Chapter 99

Peeta

"If terror falls upon your bed, and sleep no longer comes, remember all the words I said. Be still, be still and know." -The Fray

I used to think the windows in my  room were blacked out. Now that I'm starting to feel exhaustion set in, I know they're only dark with night. I don't want to sleep at all, for fear there's news about Katniss. They haven't told me much yet, but I know she's alive, at least.

I turn on the lights in the room but keep them dimmed a bit. The stark white hospital lighting is too harsh for me right now. Everything seems too harsh for me right now. I just want to see my wife.

She's alive. She's alive. The words run through my head, over and over, just to remind me that I didn't kill her.

I feel like I did, though. When I came out of whatever I was in, Haymitch was kneeling over Katniss's body. I saw the deep purple bruises on her neck, the welt rising on her face, and the way she looked like she'd been struggling to breathe, and then I looked down at my hands and arms.

Blazing red scratches, some bleeding, were fresh on my forearms and my hands. A horrifying thought came to my mind. I did this to her...

I hurried over to Haymitch and he gave me a look, telling me to stay back. He hasn't said much to me since then, so I guess you could say I'm in the dark almost totally.

A knock at he door breaks the silence of the room. Momentarily, a woman with olive skin and dark, dark hair walks into the room.I sit the whole way up as soon as I see her.

"Where is she?" I ask the woman."Give me a moment." She requests before grabbing an instrument that she uses to shine light into my eyes, one at a time. "Perfect." She says, before sitting down.

"Tell me something. Nobody will tell me anything." I beg."That's because we couldn't tell you anything without permission and until we had your wife secure." She informs me."Permission? Who's permission?"

"Katniss's. But we spoke, well, we didn't really speak, but we communicated and she agreed. We couldn't do anything until just now because she was asleep." She says."Tell me something." I say.

"Well, her vocal chords were moderately damaged. That's why we didn't speak. There's some swelling in her neck and slight swelling in her throat, so she has a full neck brace on and isn't allowed to take it off until further notice, when we can check for more severe neck injury. Heavy, heavy bruising to her neck, though. Her face has a welt, but it's only cosmetic and it should go away in a day or two." The woman explains.

"What did I do to her?" I ask, half rhetorically."I don't think you need anyone to tell you, Mr. Mellark. I think you know what you did..." She says."Yeah." "But we do know you had no control over it." She reminds me.

"She's never going to forgive me. What if I killed the baby? What if I almost killed her?" I start."You're not going to want to hear this, but if Haymitch hadn't pulled you off of her, she would have been dead within minutes." She says."You were right about that first part..." I reply.

I almost killed her.

"I've got to go. Tomorrow we'll have someone examine the two of you, get your situation figured out, and then you might be able to see each other. But I'm not making any promises." She says as she gets up."She's not going to want to see me," I tell her. "I almost killed her."

"Oh! That reminds me..." She says, rummaging through her pocket. She pulls out a piece of paper, folded up almost perfectly. She hands it to me and starts to walk out.When she reaches the door, she turns to me and says, "Mr. Mellark, I don't think you quite understand how much she needs you."

She leaves, then, and I'm left alone with only the piece of folded up paper and the silence again.

--

After a minute, I decide I need to open the paper or I'll go insane. My fingers shake a little bit as I slowly unfold the page.

I catch a glimpse of one word and I immediately recognize the handwriting as Katniss's. It's a little shaky and uneven, but I would recognize it anywhere. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, preparing to read the note.

My Love,I'm okay. I'm doing just fine. I don't want you to worry about me or feel any more guilt about this. I know that it wasn't you, and you thought that it wasn't me. I understand. I'm not mad, nor have I stopped loving you because of this. Nothing could make me stop loving you. Tell Willow that mommy is okay and that I love and miss her. I can't wait until I can see you again, Peeta. I love you.

Katniss

Words cannot describe the type of relief I feel at this note. Tears flood my tired eyes and for a moment, I let myself feel forgiven. But after a minute or two, guilt tightens back up and I can only imagine the way she feels and looks. She probably can hardly breathe. Her vocal chords are messed up, her throat and neck swollen... And here I am, almost perfectly fine.

Not to mention that I did this all to her.

I would do anything in the world to see her, to tell her how sorry I am, to wrap her in my arms again.

--

I fell asleep soon after reading the note. When I woke, I felt the paper still clutched in my grasp. I'm not ever letting it go. I read it over and over and try to pretend I can hear her saying it. Now that her voice is gone, I miss it even more. Sure, it'll come back, but not for a little bit.

After the doctors come in to see how I'm doing, they decide they're going to put me on my old medicine again. They tell me that because it worked last time, it should have the same effect this time. "One last thing," Aurelius says. He's picked up my case too, since Katniss and I are long-time patients. "Would you like to see your wife today?"

"Is she doing alright?" I ask."She's... managing." He says."Is she well enough to see me?" I ask. There's no way I'm putting her in any more danger."We believe she is, but there's no telling how she'll react." He says.

Do I take the risk? I... I don't know.I want to see Katniss, but I don't want her to be in any danger.

"Not now. What about later tonight?" I ask. Later tonight, maybe she'll be in better shape. Maybe her swelling will have gone down.

"That should be fine. But if you're delaying it to buy her time to get better, it's not going to do any good. This isn't a one-day recovery plan. It's going to be a week or so until she can speak somewhat normally." Aurelius says.

So there goes that.

"That's fine. I don't mind." I reply back. But I do mind.

--

Katniss

I wake from my nightmare, struggling to breathe. My throat is raw, but I'm not sure how or why. I can't talk, let alone yell or scream. Maybe it's from not being able to breathe, but who could even tell anymore?

I lift my hand and find it shaking nonstop. I try to inhale and exhale as best as I can. Calming down is much easier when you can get air into your lungs. I didn't know that until now.

I try not to replay the dream in my head, but it just keeps happening.

"What's going on?" I ask the man next to me."Shut up, bitch." He says. I'm confused at first, but then I see the white of his uniform and the black Capitol seal on his chest.He's a peacekeeper. And I'm in the Capitol.He grabs my arm, making me wince a bit, and points out a window.

"Go see for yourself." He says after a moment.I walk over to the window and outside I see a crowd of hundreds, thousands, of people in the center of the Capitol."Listen to them..." The peacekeeper says.

I hear them. They're chanting something, everyone yelling."Kill her! Kill her!"

"Who are they screaming about?" I ask."They're talking about you." The peacekeeper replies coldly. Suddenly I feel the click of shackles being put on my wrists.

"What? What's going on?" I ask frantically, trying to break free of his grasp and the cuffs."It's execution day, Miss Everdeen." He says, drawing out the 'deen.'

Suddenly, he leads me out of the room and into the long, winding corridors of whatever Capitol building I'm in.

After what feels like a millennium, we reach our destination. It doesn't make sense, but there's an entire stadium-like room inside this one building. And that's where we are.

"You go into that room, there." He points out a small room off to the side. I walk slowly into the little area and I'm nearly bombarded by my old Prep Team.

Octavia looks like she's been crying and still hasn't quite stopped. Flavius fixes my hair into a signature side-braid and Venia works some magic on my face.

I can't help but find myself thinking about how this is the last time anyone will fix my hair or coat my face in makeup.I don't want them to stop. I'm not ready to die... I haven't gotten to marry Peeta yet. We never got to have children. There's so much I haven't done yet!

"Please..." I say. "This has to be a mistake. This has got to be a mistake!" "It's not a mistake, dear. They tried you and found you guilty of treason, guilty of being the Mockingjay." Flavius says.

So that's it. I'm being killed by the Capitol for being the leader of the Rebellion. I'm being executed for what I believe in. Doesn't that make me a martyr?

There are rebels still out there. There has to be. And now I need to be stronger and colder than ever. More defiant. More fiery. Even until I'm dead.

After they fix me up and make me look presentable for my death, I turn to them."I'm about to die. Today. In a couple of minutes, and you three are the last people who will have laid hands on me. I hope you live with that. I hope everyone here who came to watch can live with that." I say.

I'm trying my hardest to be cold, but when I'm surrounded by peacekeepers on every side, leading me to the center of the floor, my throat starts to close up and I feel the tears coming.

No. I will not cry for myself. I will not cry in front of the whole world.I can't let them see me waver.

I'm knocked to my knees by one of the peacekeepers and I curse them out. I'm about to die, so who cares what language I use?

I kneel and listen to the crowd cheer. Across the floor, I think I see Peeta. He's staring right at me, but I can't see any emotion on his face.

I nod my head at him, just in case he cares, to let him know I'm okay. I'm not afraid.

Except I'm terrified.

Peeta's the last thing I see. A black blindfold is tied around my head and brought down over my eyes.

Then I hear President Snow's voice boom through the entire place. So this is it. My death speech.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," he says. "We are all here, gathered in the center of the Capitol's Glory, to witness the death of the menace that came to be known as the Mockingjay, a creature never meant to exist. It was only created by accident, when Jabberjays mated with other unclean mockingbirds. The same can be said of the wicked girl kneeling in front of us all today. So, my people, today we will erase the Mockingjay from all memory! Today, we witness the extinguishing of the Girl on Fire! Today, Katniss Everdeen dies!" He booms.

The crowd goes crazy. "Today, Katniss Everdeen dies." A peacekeeper says. I hear the click of a bullet being put into a gun.

"Today, Katniss Everdeen dies," I repeat to him, despite being blindfolded and at death's doorstep. I feel the cool metal of the gun's barrel press against my temple.

"But the Revolution lives." I finish.

The safety on the gun clicks off. I feel him start to pull the trigger. There's a loud bang, and then there's silence. I don't even get to hear the crowd's cheers.

Goodnight.

Shivers run down my spine every time I think of what could have happened to me.

Thankfully, a doctor comes in before the impeccably vivid scenario begins to play again in my mind.

"How are you feeling?" The man asks me. I can't reply very well, so I don't say anything. "Well enough to see your husband?" He asks.

My eyes light up. He sees how I perk up at the idea and smiles a little. "Does tonight sound alright for that?" He asks.

I try my best to nod.

And then I try my best to calm my nerves. I don't know why I'm so nervous about seeing Peeta. He is my husband, after all. I shouldn't be scared of him, but a part of me, deep down inside, is terrified after everything that's happened.