Ch.8

Dear Harry,

Today you called me. It was very overwhelming to hear your voice. I was thrilled to talk to you and have some form of communication, but it also saddened me, reminding me how far away you really are. The static telephone line did not do your beautifully husky voice any justice. I gave you an update about me, but all I wanted was to know what was going on with you. You didn't tell me much about the army and what has been happening where you were, and frankly, I didn't mind. You and I both knew that I would worry way more than I needed to if I knew what was going on. 

I giggled as you told me about how vulgar the food is, "Nothing compared to my Ella Wella's cooking," you said.

The duration of the call was ten minutes and fifty three seconds, and a lot of that time was consumed by awkward breaks in my voice from the awful tightening of my throat, my tears threatening to spill. 

Finally, the dreaded time came when you had to get off the line. 

"I'm so sorry El, I gotta go, there is a line of people waiting to use the pay phone," you said, the guilt evident in your voice.

"It's okay," I whispered, sorrow filling the bottom of my gut.

"I'll be back before you know it, just hang in there. I love you so much."

"I love you too," I mumbled, choking on my tears.

"Don't forget to eat," was the last thing you said before hanging up.

A huge knot grew in my stomach, realizing that once again, I was alone in a world without my other half. My best friend, the only boy in the entire universe that I have loved. The person that cared about me the most, constantly reminding me to eat, even though The Incident was years ago.

Well, I guess it's that time... the moment I have been anticipating to write about since you gave me this journal- to retell The Incident, and relive all of the emotions I went through. It has got to be one of the worst times of my life, and yet a tiny sliver of me cherishes it, knowing that we wouldn't be where we are today if it never happened.

It was around the same time as when I noticed all of your changes- the voice, the face, the chest. Your newfound love of girls that were everything I wasn't. The girls you began to surround yourself with were like human barbies- long, bleached hair, skinny, tan legs, boatloads of makeup, and uncovered, enormous chests. It was the first time you started to really use your popularity with girls to your advantage, while I was left in the dust. These girls would follow you around- disrupting our time together- and you didn't mind at all. You loved it, actually.

More and more, I would think about how I would never be good enough for you. I was only Ella. I didn't have blond hair, and I never wore an ounce of makeup. I didn't have obnoxiously large breasts and I didn't wear extremely revealing clothing. Before, I was okay with who I was, and I accepted myself. I was comfortable in my own skin, until I saw the kind of things you were attracted to. I began looking at myself with such hate, loathing the fact that I couldn't be like them. I would stare at my reflection in the mirror, seeing nothing but a fat, ugly girl.

That's when it really started. I had enough of being the person I saw in the mirror; I wanted to change. I put myself on a strict diet, limiting myself to a daily intake of nothing but water and a piece of bread. Of course my family became suspicious after a while, but I just came up with better excuses. At that point in my life, I would have done anything to be liked by you. 

Whenever I was about to give into my hunger, reaching for the delicious dessert my mother would offer, I just thought of you, imagining what it would be like to hear those seven heavenly words slip out of your mouth. "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" I would envision you asking me.

Months and months went by, and I soon became sickly skinny, although I would still look down at myself, feeling like an atrocious pig. 

One night, when we were in eleventh grade, I had the pleasure of having the house to myself, as my parents were going out to dinner for their anniversary. After I threw out the prepared meal that my mother left me, I stalked up to my room, readying myself for my daily ritual. I took off my clothes, leaving nothing but my undergarments. I stood in front of the full-length mirror in the corner of my room, studying the girl that stared back at me.

I angrily pulled at all the fat that I thought I saw on my body, wishing it would just disappear. Furious screams left my mouth as I used my nails to scratch at my stomach, hoping that I would melt it all away. I was so frustrated at myself, so enraged that I couldn't look like the rest of the girls. The only thing I hated more than who I was, was the fact that I couldn't change who I was. I didn't realize how horrifying my actions were, I didn't realize how unhealthy I was, I didn't realize that starving myself was not the key to your heart. I can now come to the conclusion that not only was I physically ill, but I was also mentally ill.

My hate-fest went on, it was almost as if I got a sense of pride for tearing down my body. In my mind, I was a monster and I needed to destroy it. I found myself looking at my reflection, disgusted by my own being. I could not contain my resentment, I felt a need to give my reflection the same pain it gave me. I began hurling insults at that THING staring back at me. It gave me such satisfaction to watch the hideous creature fall apart, making sure that it fully understood how garbage-like it was.

"Ella?" I heard just as I was in the middle of telling myself how repulsive I was.

I quickly turned around, surprised to see you standing in the middle of my room, your mouth in the shape of a circle. Neither of us spoke, not knowing what to say. We just watched each other. The cloud of confusion in your eyes was quickly extinguished as you put together the puzzle pieces.

"Ella?" You asked again, not sure if it was really me that you were looking at. "What's going on?"

That moment, I finally broke down, not being to hold it together any longer. I unleashed my pain, not being able to hold my tears back. I couldn't see you, my vision distorted by my weeping. I suddenly felt my body being incased in your arms. The rivers of emotion continued to stream down my face as you carried me to my bed, setting us both down on the soft comforter. Despite the agony that I was in, I was well aware that I was being cradled in your arms- the one thing I dreamed about for years.

After a while, my sobbing turned into sniffling. I laid against you, trying to take in the feeling of your arms wrapped around my body. I knew that I had ruined any chance of being with you, I might have even ruined our friendship. You now thought I was some crazy lunatic. I was too embarrassed to move a muscle, so I laid there for a while, waiting for you to make a run for it.

"Ella?" you said for the third time.

I gulped and slowly shifted my body so I could look into your eyes. "Yeah, Harry?"

My eyes studied your face as I waited for you too speak. 

"Please don't change. You are perfect the way you are."

I scoffed at your statement, my gaze shifting downwards to my body.

Your fingers tilted up my chin so my eyes met yours. "Where is my Ella Wella? Where is my best friend? Where is the girl that knows she's beautiful?"

I looked down at my fingers, not being brave enough to look into your green irises any longer. "Except I'm not," I mumbled to myself.

You finally had enough. You got off of my bed and looked at me, frustration evident in your features. "Don't you get it? You are gorgeous! I can't believe you would do this to yourself, El, and I can't believe I didn't notice. I just... Why would you do this?" 

I sat up on my bed, already missing being snuggled into your chest. I decided that I had to tell you, it had been too long. After building up an extreme amount of courage, I squeezed my eyes shut and let it out. "I just want to be good enough for you."

"You already are."

My eyes opened when I processed what you had just said. It was so unbelievable, I studied your expression, trying to see if I heard correctly.

We watched each other for a few anxious seconds until you slowly bent down, placing a soft, charming kiss on the tip of my lips. 

The moment your touch left me, I yearned for more. My eyes gazed at you for a little while longer until you reached out your hand with a gentle smile. "C'mon, I'm gonna make you some dinner."

Once again, you saved me. Instead of caring about yourself, you helped me cope with my needs, my emotions, and all of my baggage. You were always there for me, not complaining when I'd call you in the middle of the night, or when I would look in the mirror and cringe. You made me happy, and that is what I needed the most.

Thank you so much, Harry. I don't know what I'd do without you. You are truly my savior.

I can't wait to start writing about the next step in our life; the beginning of Harry and Ella- the complete package. You have made me the happiest girl in the world.

With so much love,

Ella Wella

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