Chapter 10

It was three a.m and that time of night i was still up , thinking about Lucas and Joshua and everything that was going on . I wasn't expecting love to be complicated . I wanted so much to be in love and to feel what its like to feel loved but after all this , i just wish feelings didn't exist . I was sitting by the window , looking out at the city and wondering how and why Lucas kissed me . It didn't seem to add up . Everyone thought its been Riley he's been into then he suddenly comes up to kiss me and tell me he's jealous . My theory would be that he's jealous about the relationship me and Joshua are having and he wishes it was him and Riley instead but i can't quite put it together because it just doesn't make any sense .

I heaved out an exasperating sigh and walked over to my easel . I took out my paint brush and dabbed the tip of it onto the water colours , while closing my eyes i slowly stroked the brush gently onto the canvas board . I would open my eyes every few seconds to see how it turns out then i'd go over the painting to make it look like its something . It took me a few hours to complete the painting , i wiped the sweat off my forehead and went to look at it from afar . I felt so much better . Its how i let go of my feelings , i let them end up plastered to a canvas . That easel was everything to me , it belonged to my dad once before he left to continue his life with another family . He loved art just like i did and he left his sketch books of paintings and drawings at the top corner of the living room bookshelf which i love to flip through and discover his emotions . We've never met each other , he left when i was still unborn and i guess he gave up his love for art when he gave up on my mother . I've always wanted him to come back thats why i never threw the easel out .

I was cleaning out my brushes when i heard a knock at my window . I knew it was Lucas because he had this rhythm when he knocks .

"What are you doing here ?" I asked as i opened the window .

"Can't sleep . I keep thinking of you"

"Lucas .. Look , I .."

He cut me off and got through the window , pulling me to sit at the edge of the bed with him .

"Maya listen , I love you . Every inch of you . And i can't stand seeing you be with another . I want you so badly that i can't stop to think about ways of letting you know and i guess this was the only way i could think of . I need you , Maya . I know you never felt that way towards me but tell me what to do , tell me how to get over you."

I paused for a long time , looking down at the floor . I could see Lucas scanning his eyes around the room and it landed on my canvas painting . "You painted that ?" he asked looking amazed .

I stayed silent as i watched him walked over to it . He grazed his hands slowly on the dried paint , following the motion of the abstract art and soon he realised what the painting was .

"Is that Joshua ?" He looked over at me then back at the painting .

It wasn't a portrait , it was a silhouette of a guy among a sun setting . But i didn't paint Joshua .

"That's you" I muttered .

He turned his head to me and gazed at my unsettling face .

"Maya .. " He uttered out .

"I loved you"

"What ..?"

"I loved you Lucas . I did . But i can no longer find myself to ."

"You loved me ?"

"I've loved you since the day we met . I couldn't tell you because i thought you'd never feel the same way . I thought your heart was set on Riley , so i never told you . When you kissed me , it reminded me of what i wanted but could never get , then i met Joshua and i realised i couldn't love you the same."

"I was too late"

I stared at him sternly , "It doesn't matter now , i think you should leave."

"You're just gonna give up ?" He raised his voice

"What are you talking about ?"

"Its clear that we love each other , you just kept it a secret from all of us . You should've said something at least"

"And then what ? See Riley get hurt ? Its not always about you Lucas , i had to think of others too especially my best friend" My tone a little higher this time . "You could've just showed you weren't interested in Riley if you hadn't been . I wouldn't have thought you were actually into her . This is all your fault !" I added screaming at him .

"Mine ? You could've told me instead of deciding to date "Mr Amazing" " He shouted back . His hands flew back raging and it accidentally hit the unstable bookcase which fell on top of the easel causing it to break .

I felt a sudden jolt of hurt ran through me , "LUCAS ! MY EASEL , MY PAINTING . GOD DAMN IT"

The atmosphere went dead silent . I felt tears trying to escape but i forced it back in , trying not to look like half of me just died . None of us dared to speak . We stared at each , both dead eye and hurt inside . "I'm sorry .. " he mumbled .

"Leave" I said firmly

"But Maya.."

"LEAVE" I screamed at him , pointing my finger to the window .

He hesitated no further and walked straight out . He looked back but i turned away . I told him to leave but i could hear the sound of my own voice asking him to stay .

I wanted him , but not like this .