CHAPTER 30: Process of Realization

A/N: Hello all! Sorry for the delayed updates, guys... there are some issues going on here, but whatever happens happens for the good! (I guess...)(￣▽￣;)Anyway! Consider this a Valentine special! (Though it's actually very much related to the story)🧡💙🧡💙No, there is no smut. However, I thought that the content of this chapter suited the Valentines theme.Enjoy~

*TIME SKIP* ON THE SAME EVENING~

People were dancing in flashy dresses to the lively music that was bustling in the place, and on one of the random tables just a few steps away from the dance floor was seated a dashing blond, Naruto, in a tan brown knitted sweater and jeans.

Except, Naruto, who was the very embodiment of the sun, wasn't looking as bright as he was supposed to be.

His cerulean orbs had now turned pastel, as if his tears had washed away the color in them, with dark circles under his eyes. His skin was now as pale as the parchment papers of historical archives. Anybody could tell that he had been doing a fairly bad job at taking care of himself.

Naruto was sitting and sipping on the second glass of his beer while waiting for his smartest best friend, Shikamaru, to arrive.

In the past few days, Naruto had taken his time to consider and reconsider his choice. He had realized that maybe letting Sasuke go was not really the idealistic option to go for. However, his conscience and guilt towards his dead lover, Sai, were always in conflict with such thoughts.

Naruto had concluded that he needed help in deciding what he should do next because thinking about this situation all alone was costing him his mental peace, sleep, and appetite.

The past few days had been extremely disturbing for Naruto, and these disturbances included nightmares, panic attacks, and sleep and appetite loss.

That's precisely why Naruto was here; to have a chat with the best person he could have asked for help, Shikamaru.

-×-×-×-

"Shika!"

Naruto saw Shikamaru entering the bar and waved his hand high enough for his friend to spot him among the crowd.

Shikamaru easily spotted Naruto as soon as the blond had called out his name and walked over to him. He took a seat beside his whiskered friend after ordering a cocktail.

"What's up, man? You look like shit, honestly."

Naruto kept quiet about this and just looked away, staring at something he found more interesting than this question at the moment.

However, Shikamaru could see Naruto's condition very well. The blond wasn't smiling anymore, nor was he his usual talkative self. He was quiet. He had changed... for the worse.

'Did he and Sasuke fight?'

Shikamaru kind of had an idea as to what was up with him; however, he did not want to assume anything.

"Naruto?"

Shikamaru called out to his blond friend again, snapping him back to reality.

"Y- Yeah? Oh... sorry..."

Naruto said and chuckled sheepishly.

"It's okay, but what's wrong? You said you wanted to talk to me about something."

"..."

Naruto dared not answer his question at the moment.

"Is it about Sasuke?"

Shikamaru finally spoke his mind aloud, causing the blond's eyes to widen. This small gesture was enough for him to know that he was thinking in the right direction.

'What a drag... tsk.'

This was the first time that the brunette was feeling a little pressured by the situation. He knew that one piece of advice from him could either make or break Naruto's relationship with Sasuke entirely. He did not want to shoulder this responsibility, but he knew that Naruto needed his help at the moment.

"Tell me, what happened with the two of you?"

Shikamaru asked and decided to have a smoke to calm his stress.

"So... Sasuke confessed to me..."

Naruto began, causing Shikamaru to almost spit the cigarette out from between his lips.

"Really?! What did he say?"

"Yeah... he said he liked me, dattebayo. He also said that he knew about Sai... did you guys tell him that?"

Naruto asked in a disappointed tone, which was mixed with slight dejection, causing a pang of guilt to course through Shikamaru.

"Yeah, Kiba and I told him everything we knew. We're sorry, but honestly... he deserved to know all that, especially after what happened with him."

The last line managed to bring Naruto out of his melancholic mood. He looked up at Shikamaru with a curious frown.

"What do you mean 'what happened with him'?"

Shikamaru realized that maybe he had spoken too much. Sasuke had clearly told him not to let Naruto in on whatever occurred that night, so he tried diverting the focus of the topic.

"Nothing much. I'll tell you after you tell me what's going on with you."

Naruto sighed defeatedly and successfully deviated from the topic. He himself was unaware of what was happening to him.

'If I need his help, I'll have to be honest with him.'

Naruto finally decided to come clean with his friend. He inhaled deeply to prepare himself to expose the hidden details.

"I guess... I guess I'm facing the consequences of making a wrong choice, dattebayo..."

Naruto's words earned him a curious expression from his friend, whose one eyebrow was now raised in question.

"Well, I... I rejected him."

Naruto confessed, and this time, it was Shikamaru's turn to widen his eyes again.

"You rejected him? Why?"

Naruto flinched inwardly at the accusatory tone of his pineapple-headed friend.

"Yeah, I mean, I don't want him to have false hopes! Y- You see, I already have someone I love, dattebayo... So I-"

"You're extremely troublesome, you know that?"

Shikamaru interrupted Naruto's explanation after letting out a puff of smoke.

"What do you mean I'm troublesome?"

"It's exactly what you think I mean. You're literally troublesome."

Naruto frowned at those words. He didn't like how the conversation was flowing. He had called Shikamaru here to help him and not to accuse him or let him down.

"Mind explaining it to me?"

Naruto asked in a slightly annoyed manner. Shikamaru sighed as he understood that Naruto was getting upset by his behavior, but he needed Naruto to face the truth.

"Naruto. Tell me exactly why you've called me here."

"I need your help, dattebayo!"

"For what do you need my help?"

"With whatever is going on! Seriously, Shika, if you're going to kee-"

"And what is going on with you?"

So many questions at a time had now frustrated Naruto to the next level, which was exactly what Shikamaru wanted. He knew that when agitated, the blond always revealed the entire truth... and that's what happened.

"I don't know! I don't know what's wrong with me, ok? Ever since I rejected Sasuke, I've not slept peacefully for a single night, dattebayo! My nightmares always had Sai in them, but now they have Sasuke, too! My panic attacks were always triggered because of Sai, but now, just one thought about Sasuke makes it hard for me to even breathe! I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING AND I NEEDED YOUR HELP! HAPPY?"

Naruto's breathing was ragged as he had finally exhausted all the air in his lungs while explaining almost everything to Shikamaru, who was now having a small smile on his face.

"Why do you think this is happening, Naruto?"

Shikamaru asked in a calm voice. He could've directly told Naruto, but he needed the blond to admit it by himself.

Naruto calmed himself down and thought for a while before hesitantly giving an answer.

"I don't kn-"

"You know it, Naruto. You're just avoiding it."

Naruto took several sips of his beer due to his anxiety. Even the loud background music began fading as his heart beat faster while he pondered more and more about what could be the cause of all this. Shikamaru was right; Naruto was just avoiding it.

'What if I'm just feeling... guilty? Yeah... that's probably it, dattebayo.'

Naruto decided on this answer and turned to Shikamaru.

"I- I'm just feeling guilty towards him..."

Shikamaru could facepalm himself, but he managed to control his urge to do so. How the blond could be so clueless at times was really out of his understanding.

"Why guilty?"

"Because I rejected him...?"

Naruto was greeted by a deadpan from Shikamaru as soon as he had blurted out the last sentence. However, the blond himself realized that guilt did not exactly fit the description of what he was feeling. He went back to thinking about the topic when another chord struck him.

'Is it... is it because I miss him? Is that why he appears in my dreams...?'

Naruto's eyes widened before he turned to Shikamaru once again.

"Is it... is it because I somehow miss him?"

Shikamaru smirked slightly at his answer. Naruto was finally on the right track. Shikamaru had to push him just a little more.

"Why do you miss him?"

"Because he's been avoiding me...?"

"Even then, why do you miss him? Naruto, you rejected Sasuke, so it's only natural that he would want to stay away from you for a while. You should know this better than anyone."

"Still... I mean... he's been avoiding me because he's probably hurt... I don't know... I don't like seeing him like this, dattebayo. When I told him to go, he looked so... sad and tired... I hated seeing him like that. I never wanted him to be like this because of me, dattebayo... I wanted to grab his hand and make him stay when he turned around to-"

Naruto froze as soon as he realized what he had said.

'I... I wanted to make him stay...?'

Naruto's mind went into a frenzy as soon as the thought settled with him. That was indeed something he had wanted to do. He had wanted the raven to stay with him.

'But why...?'

Naruto was finally getting enlightened. He was finally facing the things he had been keeping hidden in his heart for so long. He kept his brain working when a sudden realization hit him like lightning.

'I wanted him to stay because... because... I didn't want to... lose him...'

A single tear managed to escape his eye as soon as he admitted the truth to himself. Shikamaru's smirk only grew as he observed the constant changes in the blond's expression this entire while.

"So, do you know why?"

"Yeah... I don't want to lose him... I'm scared to lose him, Shika..."

Naruto spoke as another set of tears began their journey down his whiskered cheeks.

"Now, why do you think you're this afraid to lose him? Is it really because he's just your friend? Do you really think you're this affected by a guy whom you've known for just over a month because you're friends?"

Shikamaru's questions were piercing Naruto like arrows. They were on point, and Naruto had no choice but to face them. The blond was still hesitating even thinking about that forbidden possibility when Shikamaru spoke again.

"You don't have to think much about it. Just imagine any other man hugging and kissing Sasuke."

Shikamaru said bluntly, this time finally getting through the brain of his blockhead friend.

'Sasuke... with another man...?'

The more Naruto imagined the intimacy that another man could share with Sasuke, the more his blood started boiling. He never knew that he was actually capable of hating a scenario this passionately. Just the thought of Sasuke being embraced or even touched by someone else was causing Naruto to slowly lose his mind.

"How do you feel about it?"

Shikamaru interrupted Naruto's thoughts with his question again, which brought him back to the present.

"I... I don't want that to happen. I don't like it."

Naruto said with a restrained voice, which had possessiveness hidden deep within it. The Uzumaki was just one step away from speaking the truth. Confessing that he hated the thought of Sasuke being with someone else was enough proof to let both his friend and him know that Sasuke was indeed more than just a friend to Naruto.

Shikamaru was now aware that the bomb was soon going to explode, so he gave Naruto a final trigger.

"Why would you hate it? He has every right to move on from you. You have someone you love, so why do you hate it?"

"That's because! Because... Shikamaru..."

*THUMP*

"I- "

*THUMP*

"I like him..."

Several tears were now falling from Naruto's eyes. He had just admitted to himself that he liked Sasuke. He was able to admit his true feelings after all those days of suffering, and he did not even notice that this time, thoughts of Sai hadn't interrupted this process of realization he had just undergone.

"You finally said it. See? That's why I called you troublesome. *sigh* What a drag..."

Shikamaru spoke in his calm tone again while lighting a third cigarette. He smiled at his friend and took a deep puff of his smoke.

However, he had one last thing that he wanted the blond to know. He was taking a gamble at this, but what he was about to say was worth a try.

"Naruto, just think about it. What if you've moved on from Sai, but not his death...?"

Shikamaru spoke cautiously, but his words hit Naruto with quite the force. He was now starting to question the love he had claimed he held for Sai all these years after his death.

'Is Shikamaru right...?'

Naruto wondered while trying to remember all those days when he had panic attacks. Was it really always the guilt and not the love? Maybe it was both at that time, but what about now?

Naruto's mind was teeming with endless possibilities about the entire situation. He chugged the mug of beer down in one go and slammed the mug on the table. He ran his tan fingers through his blond hair as he was unable to take in all this at once.

"I... I don't know... but more importantly, what do I do now? I've rejected Sasuke already. What if he has moved on?"

Shikamaru could clearly see Naruto's panic rising once again, and the fact that they were currently at a bar clearly wasn't helping.

"Naruto!"

Shikamaru said sternly, causing Naruto to freeze. Shikamaru knew what he was doing very well. Naruto should know exactly how much Sasuke has seen him.

"Do you know why I said Sasuke deserved to know about your past?"

Naruto shook his head slightly in a no when the reality of the question hit him. He really didn't know how much of him Sasuke had seen.

"Tell me... why did you tell him about my past?"

"*sigh* Naruto, do you remember when you had a panic attack on your birthday?"

"Yeah, so, what about that?"

Shikamaru hesitated a little before finally asking,

"Do you remember anything about hugging Sai?"

Naruto's eyes immediately lit up, and his lips contorted into a smile at the mention of the hug. He remembered it all too well.

"Yes! I remember it, dattebayo! That hug... it was warm, and it felt real... I can't put it into words, but I remember how relaxed I was feeling at that time... how can I forget something like that. But, what about it?"

Shikamaru now knew precisely how much love Sasuke had poured into that one hug for Naruto to remember it like this. It was unfair to the raven if Naruto never knew about this simple reality.

"Naruto, I don't want you to feel guilty over this... but the hug you got from Sai that day... it wasn't actually Sai. It was Sasuke."

This made Naruto's smile transform into a shocked expression.

"It was Sasuke? H- How? W- Why?"

Naruto's voice was shaking as he internally prayed for it all to be a lie.

"It might not sound like that much of a big deal, but you... mistook Sasuke for Sai when you were panicking."

Shikamaru explained the events of Naruto's birthday after the blond had descended into a state of panic. Naruto couldn't help but feel extremely guilty for his actions and behavior towards Sasuke.

His heart clenched when he thought about how broken the raven must've felt when he called him Sai. Sasuke loved Naruto and was called by someone else's name who just so happened to be Naruto's dead lover, who also, coincidentally, looked extremely similar to him.

"This... is so messed up, dattebayo..."

Naruto was contemplating about how he should face the Uchiha after this when his thoughts began drifting.

'I mistook Sasuke for Sai? I slept in his arms...? And... he didn't even mention that, dattebayo...'

A faint blush started creeping on Naruto's cheeks as his thoughts drifted from guilt to something else that was making his heart beat faster every minute.

He began remembering all those moments he had spent with Sasuke.

He had smiled, he had laughed, he had felt loved... After years of torment that he had undergone due to his trauma, this was the first time that Naruto had felt genuinely happy. The raven had never complained about Naruto in any way... he just...

'He... accepted me for who I am...'

Naruto was starting to realize how much that fact actually meant to him. How much Sasuke meant to him.

He remembered how the raven's body felt against him and how Sasuke would blush at even the smallest compliment. Sasuke reacted only to Naruto, all because of Naruto's words and actions. Which only meant that...

'I... deserve to be loved... and he loves me...'

The youngest Uchiha had practically destroyed Naruto's self-degrading notions about himself.

'He... is protecting me... from myself...'

He realized how Sasuke had prioritized Naruto's feelings every time. That's why he did not retaliate when he chose Sai over him. All along, Sasuke just wanted Naruto to be happy. That's it.

'I want to be with him... I really am a dobe, huh... *scoffs*'

Naruto wiped his tears away, and somehow, the lingering sadness in his eyes had faded to give way to a new, determined look. He looked at Shikamaru in the eye with an expression that said,'bring it on!'

"Shika, I've wasted a lot of time, but I want to make it right. I know I probably need more time with Sai's matter... but I don't want to lose Sasuke in the process, dattebayo."

Shikamaru now had a genuine smile on his face as he nodded.

"That's the Naruto I know. You still have a chance. Go and talk to him when you can."

Naruto finally had his flashy grin back on his face. He had always listened to his heart, and this one time, he had made the mistake of listening to his mind. Now, it was time to follow his heart again.

Naruto's determination knew no bounds when he set his mind on something. This time, he has set his mind on getting Sasuke back to him, which means that this time, there's no stopping him. Not even Sai.

'I'll set it all right... Sasuke, this time I will come to you... just you wait and watch, dattebayo!'

A/N: Ok, this was a long chapter, but Naruto is finally gaining some sense of self! <(_ _)>A big thanks to all of you who made it this far in the story! 🙆🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️I really hope this chapter was not a disappointment! 🥹 Please let me know!I'll be sure to post another chapter for all of you asap!So, see you all in the next chapter!Author sound out~ ✌🏻

P. S. - You all will get a chance to ask questions to the stars of this story towards the end, so I hope you all will be ready with your questions by then! (^o^)/