42

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Torek lasted for an hour, until Omega finally felt tired enough that she returned to the other bunk room. In her absence, Echo poured Saedii another cup of tea and sat with her in a comfortable silence, neither speaking. Just enjoying the stillness.

At some point, Saedii must have drifted to sleep, for she woke with a shuddering breath and tears still glistening on her cheeks.

Her heart thundered in her chest so violently that the room seemed to spin around her. For a moment, she looked around the darkened room and thought she was back in the dungeon. Her hand flew to her throat.

Hard rock met her fingers. She relaxed.

There was a faint glow from across the room. Tech's profile was lit up by his holopad as he watched her, expression wary. The last she remembered, it had been Echo sitting there. She hadn't even heard Tech come in.

"You were crying in your sleep," he reported over the top of his holopad. "I was hesitant to wake you. Sleep psychosis can often be worse when someone is awakened."

Saedii dropped the rock, putting her hand to her heart instead. Trying to slow her breathing. Her other hand wiped quickly at her cheeks.

Tech observed her. "My research shows that talking through a difficult nightmare can be therapeutic for patients suffering from –"

"No."

His lips pinched together, as though he'd expected as much. "Echo said you have only been asleep for a few hours. Would you like to keep sleeping?"

Why was everyone so concerned about her sleep schedule?

"I don't think so."

"Very well. It is still early. Breakfast will not be ready for another hour," he reported.

That was shame. Saedii was so hungry now that her stomach actually hurt. She could have gone for some food.

Tech's vigilant eyes noted Saedii's hand as it drifted to her stomach, and he asked, "Would you like a ration bar in the mean time? It should be sufficient to hold you over –"

"No," she said too quickly. After eating only ration bars for the past year, Saedii would be glad to never see one again. Just the thought of the dry, crumbling bar on her tongue made her mouth feel dry.

"Perhaps some caff, then. There is always a fresh pot in the cafeteria."

"I don't want to go to the cafeteria."

His lips tightened, perhaps remembering what had happened yesterday. "Is there somewhere else you would like to go?"

Nervously, Saedii tugged on a strand of her hair. What she really wanted was to go visit Cere and Kalth again. At this early hour, no one would be up there. She'd be alone. But another part of her was afraid to leave the room. Afraid of what kind of damage she could inflict this time if she stepped outside of these four walls.

Reluctantly, she admitted, "I want to visit the medical bay."

Tech was quiet for a moment. Saedii was sure he would say no. That he would cite the late hour or her lack of sleep or want her to eat first. But he surprised her by saying, "I suppose that would not be detrimental to your healing."

Saedii climbed from bed, shivering in the cool air. When Tech switched the lights on, she squinted against the sudden glare.

"Hunter left this for you." He held out a fresh pull-over. A soft grey fleecy quarter-zip made from thick, sturdy wool. It was clean but still held the faint earthy scent of Hunter's hair.

She shrugged out of the old one and pulled on the new. It looked funny over the billowy white shirt and pants, like a child in some oversized pajamas. But she found that she really didn't care.

Tech led the way. Blissfully, he was quiet this morning, content to stay close to her side. His hand even hovered in the same place where Hunter's usually rested between her shoulder blades, though he didn't touch her.

The sight of the medical bay door was a welcome reprieve. This time, Saedii didn't even knock. Just opened it and walked inside.

Cool air and antiseptic washed her face. The lights, surprisingly, were not dimmed but on in full-force, a stark difference to the night-dimmed halls she'd just left behind.

A loud piercing squeal filled the air as they stepped inside. Two tiny heads – one covered in bright blonde hair, the other dark curls – raced among the empty beds, closely pursued by three droids – AZI, an astromech and a golden translator droid that begged, "Luke! Leia! It is not safe to run in a medical facility!"

Standing around Cere's bed watching were Anakin, Obi-Wan, Rex, Wolffe, and Cody. Each with varying expressions of amusement.

They had changed, too. In the past year, Anakin had begun to grow his hair out. It was so long now that he'd pulled part of it out of his face, securing it in a bun at the back of his head in much the same manner that Obi-Wan had. Obi-Wan's brilliant auburn hair now had fine threads of silver winding out from the temples.

Behind them, Cere was sitting up in bed. She looked more alert than she had yesterday but not quite ready to leave her bed. Those soft dark eyes of hers were warm as she watched the erratic figures of the twins wreaking havoc on AZI's facility.

Saedii paused at the sight of them. Tech, at her side, also came to a stop.

Anakin was the first to spot them. A welcoming smile stretched across his face and he crooned, "Well, look who it is. Your Aunt Saedii is here."

"Hello, little one." Obi-Wan's voice was gentle. Like he was trying not to spook her. "Would you like to join us?"

Saedii didn't answer. The last time she'd seen Obi-Wan, she'd threatened him. Taunted him.

In the silence that followed Obi-Wan's question, the twins flashed past the door, far faster than two-year-olds had any right to be. C-3PO and R2 were having trouble keeping up.

"Saedii?" Tech asked quietly. Reminding her of Obi-Wan's question.

But she didn't know how to answer that. Did she want to join them? She wasn't even sure if she could look Obi-Wan and Anakin in the face after what she'd done. Much less Wolffe, who still didn't know about Plo's fate.

But Anakin grabbed a massive carafe from the table beside him and poured a new mug of caff. "Have a cup of caff. The twins can impress you with their uncanny abilities to outsmart three droids."

R2 beeped in indignation.

Hesitantly, Saedii walked over and joined them.

In the bed beside Cere, Kalth still slept. There was more color in his face today. The heartrate monitor above him beeped steadily.

"Masters Skywalker and Kenobi are heading out soon. They were kind enough to stop by to visit with me one last time before they left. And to bring the twins," Cere explained, gesturing to the room at large.

Cody made a face at that, as though he wouldn't describe that as a kindness, and Anakin laughed. "The twins are early risers. I figured I'd let Padme get some rest before I head out for a few days and she's stuck with the two of them."

A very tense air settled over the room. Or maybe it was just her, who felt like she was ready to bolt at a moment's notice. Beside her, Anakin held the cup out to her as casually as ever.

Not looking at any of them, Saedii took a sip from her mug. The caff was bitter with a hint of sweetness. After a year without it, it tasted like the best thing she'd ever drank.

"You hungry?" Cody asked, offering a plate of sitari cakes. They looked stale.

Her stomach was roiling, but she accepted one anyways, setting it on the small plate that Rex handed her. The caff burned in her empty stomach.

"How are you feeling?" Wolffe asked gruffly, unable to help himself.

"Fine." Saedii kept her gaze down on her mug.

"Really?" Wolffe's heated gaze went to Tech, who was hovering protectively behind her. "She looks like she hasn't slept in weeks."

"Wolffe," Rex warned.

Tech merely answered, in that agreeable way of his, "I cannot corroborate that claim. I do not know her sleeping habits from the past few weeks."

Obi-Wan held up a hand before Wolffe could fire back. "We can save the interrogation for another time. I'm sure Saedii would like to enjoy her breakfast in peace."

Actually, Saedii just wanted to retreat back to her room. She was starting to regret her decision to come up here.

"Daddy!" a little voice shouted a moment before a tiny figure launched itself into Anakin's side.

He laughed and lifted Leia up into his arms, where she began to munch on the sitari cake that he held out for her. She'd gotten so big in the past year – her and Luke both. The two of them were more toddlers than babies.

"I get, too!" Luke cried, tugging at the hem of Anakin's robes.

With a good-natured smile, Anakin lifted Luke, too, and sat with the both of them in the empty bed nearest to Saedii. Luke held grubby hands out for the sitari cake that Anakin offered him.

"The twins missed you," Anakin said mildly. He smoothed back Leia's curls. "They asked after their Aunt Saedii a lot."

Saedii doubted that. At their age, they likely didn't remember her. It was just a poor attempt to cheer her up.

In his lap, Leia munched happily on her cake, attention on Saedii beside her. One grubby hand rose between them, pointing at the curtains of hair that fell around Saedii's shoulders.

"Pupa!"

"Very good, Leia. Aunt Saedii's hair is purple," Anakin agreed.

In her bed, Cere watched with tender amusement.

Leia's hands suddenly reached out once again and Anakin quickly pulled her back, smiling ruefully. "You've got to watch the hands these days. They're in a hair pulling stage."

It was strange how much Leia was growing into Padme's features. Her face held the same nose and lips, the same dark eyes. Luke, on the other hand, could have been Anakin's much younger twin.

They'd grown so much in a year. It made the passing of time suddenly real to Saedii. She looked down.

"You know what, I bet Uncle Rex and Uncle Cody want to take the twins outside for some fresh air," Anakin said at once, turning expectantly towards the Clones in question. "Don't you boys?"

By the look on Cody's face, there was nothing he wanted to do less. Even Rex looked suddenly afraid. "Uh," he said lamely, glancing immediately to Wolffe for help.

But before Wolffe could say anything, Anakin added, "Uncle Wolffe and Uncle Tech can come, too. Luke can show you the little trash droid that he's been tinkering with."

Wolffe didn't move. He was watching Saedii intently, waiting for something.

Pointedly, Tech explained, "Tinkering is unlikely at his developmental stage. Luke does not yet have the fine motor skills needed to program –"

Obi-Wan cleared his throat.

"Right," Rex said reluctantly. "Come on, boys."

Together, with the help from the two droids, the Clones filed out of the room, ushering the twins among them. Cody released a long-suffering sigh as Leia reached up and grabbed his hand.

Once they were gone, AZI gave a very aggrieved huff. Saedii didn't dare pull her eyes up from her mug to watch as he disappeared into the back.

The Force was deceptively calm. Saedii had a feeling that the Jedi masters were masking their emotions from her. Shielding her from whatever it was they felt as they looked at her. More than one pair of eyes traced the scar on her cheek, the bruises that purpled around her eyes and jaw.

"How are you?" Anakin asked into the sudden quiet.

Saedii thought of lying, but they would see through it. "Not well."

His jaw tensed. Some emotion flashed in his blue eyes.

"We are so sorry, little one," Obi-Wan started, but Cere rose a hand.

"Pity will get us nowhere, Obi-Wan. We have no want or need for it. Do we Saedii?" Cere said, looking at her.

She gave a faint nod.

"Still," Obi-Wan insisted softly, "you cannot imagine how sorry we are for all that you have gone through. If I could have traded places with you –"

"Hindsight is a weed. Do not let it consume you."

Silence settled between them. Saedii wasn't sure what to say to them. Apologies seemed too feeble, too empty compared to the brutality of the threats she'd leveled them with.

"Snips said to tell you she's happy you're alright," Anakin continued, as if there wasn't an awkward tension between the four of them. "She's off on a run for Rex, but she's sent a holo every day to check on you."

It was a very normal thing to say. Far more normal than she deserved.

Why hadn't they mentioned Zatt? Or any of the other atrocities she'd committed? She'd broken their most sacred rules. Surely, they weren't just going to pretend otherwise.

"Padme is glad to have you back, too. She said when you're feeling better, you have an open invitation to the tower," he tried again.

Obi-Wan gave a smirk. "I do believe Anakin is trying to bait you into babysitting for him once again."

"Only if it's working."

When Saedii didn't raise to their banter, Obi-Wan turned a significant look to Anakin. "I believe you have something for her."

"Oh, right. These are for you." Anakin reached for his belt, unclipping two lightsabers. As he held them out, the familiar short handles with their worn grips made Saedii's chest tighten.

They were her lightsabers.

Gently, she reached a hand out, running her fingers over the cold metal. Power hummed within it, the sleeping kyber crystals dormant but calling to her. Welcoming her back.

"Ahsoka and I kept them in good order for you," Anakin boasted. "They should be ready to use."

At the feel of the familiar grips, a rightness clicked within her chest. Another missing piece returning to its place. She hadn't been whole without her lightsabers.

And yet...

The sight of them in Anakin's gloved hands brought another reminder: silver hilts painted with crimson blood. The blood of her friends.

These weapons were dangerous. No more so than in her hands.

She pulled her hand back. "I don't want them."

"Saedii," Anakin tried, but she cut him off.

"I'm withdrawing from the Order."

Obi-Wan's brow pinched, but Cere's expression remained the same. Her gaze was heavy on Saedii's face. Too heavy. Saedii couldn't meet it.

"We will not accept your resignation," Obi-Wan said softly.

She looked up and met his gaze. It was killing her to talk around the massive ghost that hung like a cruiser in the room, but it needed to be addressed. "I killed Zatt."

His expression didn't change. "Krell killed Zatt. The wound to his stomach was fatal."

"But I struck the final blow."

"A mercy. Those kinds of wounds are not kind."

She turned to Anakin. "I killed Jek Dekkara in the Fortress. He was unarmed."

"He was trying to kill you," Anakin pointed out.

"I killed Amp, too. With the Dark Side."

"We have all been tempted by the darkness at some point. I know that better than most."

Excuses. Just like Hunter and the Batch had for her. Why couldn't anyone here see how terrible her crimes were? Wasn't there any sane person here who hated her as much as she hated herself?

"I sold you out to Krell," Saedii admitted. "Darth Vader knows that you're alive."

"He would have found out sooner rather than later," Obi-Wan agreed civilly.

Her brow furrowed. "I did things. I hurt people – people I cared about."

"An illusion."

"Not to me."

Anakin let out a low breath. "We can sense the turmoil in you, little one. Your guilt. Your hatred. You want to blame yourself for what you've done, but you're placing the blame at the wrong feet."

"I don't deserve forgiveness," Saedii said at once.

Obi-Wan's expression was gentle. "You do – from yourself most of all."

"No," she insisted. They had to understand. "I broke my vows."

"So did I," Anakin said, bemused.

But it wasn't amusing to her. "I have no hope at redemption. I took innocent lives."

Krell's words – the same he'd spat at her as he burned her with his lightsaber. They'd burrowed deep holes into her heart and now fought their way to the surface, breaking free with all the vitriol he had used to put them there.

She continued, "I have nothing. I am nothing –"

"You are not nothing," Cere said fiercely, speaking at last. When Saedii finally turned and met her gaze, it was blazing with determination.

Anakin nodded in agreement. "You are far braver than any one of us. You are a powerful Jedi."

"I'm not a Jedi anymore."

Anakin opened his mouth to speak, but Obi-Wan held up a hand.

Saedii gently pushed her lightsabers back towards him, even if all she wanted was to grab them. To hold them one last time. "Take my lightsabers. I don't want them."

"If that is what you wish," Obi-Wan said, cutting off whatever it was Anakin tried to argue. The look in his eye told Anakin to be quiet. "Then we will respect it. But I will not accept your resignation now. I want you to take time to recover and think through your decision."

She turned a miserable look on him. "I had a whole year to think it through. There's no way I can continue to serve after everything I did."

"You have done nothing that needs atoning," Obi-Wan reminded her.

But she knew better. She kriffing knew.

Obi-Wan carefully pulled the lightsabers from Anakin's grasp before placing them into Saedii's hands, curling her fingers around them. "If you still think yourself unworthy in a few weeks, then I will gladly take these back if you no longer want them."

Anakin looked at him sharply, but Obi-Wan wouldn't return it.

The familiar feel of them in her palm felt like a weight being removed from her shoulders. Unconsciously, her hands tightened around them, settling into the familiar grip. Feeling the familiar weight.

"If you feel up to it, Cere can help you train while we're gone," Anakin said, gesturing to the lightsaber sitting on the side of Cere's bed. It was an older style. At least fifty years old.

A faint smile drew on Obi-Wan's lips. "This lightsaber used to belong to my master, Qui-Gon Jinn. I felt it would do more good in Master Junda's possession than rusting at the bottom of my trunk."

"Again, I am honored by the sentiment, Obi-Wan," Cere said cordially. "But I don't think –"

"I am not accepting your resignation either, Cere. Not now anyway."

Annoyance flashed across Cere's face, but it was tempered by a faint smile. "Your persistence was not exaggerated, I see."

"Nor is his stubbornness," Anakin added.

Indignation flared in Obi-Wan's eyes. "My stubbornness?"

"It's alright, Master. Perhaps one day you will be as agreeable as me."

"We can only hope," Obi-Wan said drily.

A wail suddenly cut through the heavy atmosphere. Saedii jumped at the sound, spinning on instinct to face whatever threat was waiting for her.

But it was no threat. Just the screaming figure of Luke in Rex's anxious arms at the doorway. A small scrape along the ridge of his knee gave evidence to the injustice he'd faced.

"Uh," Rex said uncomfortably, holding Luke up like he was a piece of evidence. "I think he wants you, Sir."

"What happened?" Anakin demanded.

"Leia pushed him."

Anakin muttered something under his breath before he pushed to his feet and held his arms out for the screaming toddler.

Obi-Wan looked at Saedii once more and the faint smile died on his face. Somberly, he said, "Before we go, Cere told us of Plo's fate."

Saedii's eyes burned. She looked down again.

"I am so sorry, little one. Truly."

"Don't tell Wolffe. Please," she begged. "I need to be the one..."

Concern clouded his eyes. "Are you sure you want to carry that burden?"

It had to be her. It couldn't come from anyone else. "Yes."

"Then you have our word."

There was a brief moment of chaos as Anakin and Obi-Wan, with two grumpy toddlers and two even grumpier Clones, tried to get out the door. There were more tears, a few muttered curses, and one very sharp order from Anakin before the four of them filed out the door.

For one long, blissful moment, everything was quiet.

And then, a voice intoned, "I don't remember a time where I was ever ruled so thoroughly by my prefrontal cortex."

Saedii glanced up as Tech took the empty seat that Anakin had left. His hair was messy and there was a streak of mud across one cheek. If she didn't know any better, she'd have thought he lost a fight to a toddler.

Cere tried not to smile. "Children are a blessing. We have many things to learn from the way they view the galaxy. And we are very lucky to have two Jedi younglings. They will be our future."

"That is debatable. The twins have certainly inherited Anakin's ungovernable personality," he remarked in indignation. Then added, as if he couldn't help it, "And Luke is a far way off from creating any functional pieces of craftsmanship. His so-called trash droid was nothing more than a pile of bolts."

The sound of Cere's soft laugh filled the otherwise quiet medical bay.