41

Saedii finally got her wish.

After the cafeteria incident, Hunter finally agreed that Saedii needed some space. With Wrecker's help, he moved Saedii's bunk into her old dorm that she used to share with Omega – a room that was now empty.

A thin layer of dust had coated the spare bedframe. Faint smells of mildew and rust stung Saedii's nose as she sat on the floor beside her bed, following patterns in the dust with her eyes. Eyes that were very quickly losing their battle with sleep.

She felt tired. So very tired.

Across the room, nearly as still as the mountain around them, Hunter was propped on the bare spare mattress. She didn't look at him, but she could still hear his soft breaths. Could still sense his eyes when they flicked over to her, and the emotion that stained out into the Force each time he did.

He was worried. Afraid.

So was she.

In the hours since she'd returned to this room, Saedii had gone over every moment since she'd been taken on Wayland. Trying to sort through every memory and determine what was real and what wasn't. Hunter had promised she'd heal, but she couldn't do that without facing what she'd done.

It was harder than she'd thought. Each time she tried to remember the dungeons on Nur, the same memories of blood and death swamped over her. The same visions of her friends, dead and bleeding at her feet, that had sent her cowering from her real flesh-and-blood family, too afraid to face them.

Her memory was drenched in blood. Stained in it. She gave a little shiver.

There was a faint squeak as Hunter adjusted his weight. Saedii felt his eyes on her again, hearing her inaudible intake of breath. She waited for the inevitable Are you alright?

Thankfully, it didn't come. After a moment, she felt as his eyes landed somewhere else.

Saedii clutched tight to the necklace in her hand as she tried to sort through her tangled memories once again.

Real: I was captured on Nur.

Not real: Omega was shot down.

In fact, it was thanks to Omega's escape that Saedii had been rescued. Her young friend had led the Rebellion right to her. Had helped plan the escape that had saved Saedii's life.

Real: some of my memories were altered.

That was a tough one to accept. Despite the time alone, she was still no closer to remembering which memories Krell had tampered with.

Not real: I hurt my family.

Nervously, Saedii glanced at Hunter's outline in the dim light. Her heart beat faster at this revelation, and she found it did not make her feel any better. Even if she had not physically hurt them, she'd hurt a version of them in her mind.

She would never lose that knowledge. Never lose the guilt that a part of her psyche had chosen their deaths for her own comfort. It was a painful truth that would stay with her until the day she died.

Her eyes burned. She shut them.

Real: I met Master Cere Junda, who helped me resist.

The breath felt painful in her lungs as she forced herself to relive the last day in her cell. Blaster fire echoed in her ears. Phantom brushes of cold stone played under her palms.

Not real: Master Junda is dead.

Cere was alive. Saedii had seen her. And she waited beside another – a person whose last memories were so painful that Saedii's fingernails dug into her palm as she forced herself to remember their last time together.

Blood on a steel floor. Shadows moving in dim red light. Cool earthy air filtering in closeby...

And a still body laying at her feet.

Real: Kalth is alive.

This truth was the hardest to accept. Her last memory of her friend seemed too impossible to disprove. Even if she'd already seen him for herself.

The stone pressed harder against her skin as her fingers tightened around it. As she forced herself to think the last admonition.

Not real: I'm still a prisoner.

The rock in her hand proved this, even if her gut churned at the thought. Even if her mind rebelled that she was truly, finally safe.

It spun over and over in her mind: real and not real. A visage of pictures and feelings – of blood and anger and fear and stone. Over and over and over again until the words felt more like a prayer than a reminder.

When she opened her eyes back up, she was confused to find herself comfortable in the bed, no longer sitting on the floor. She sat up, looking around the darkened room, hand flying to her throat.

"Want me to turn the light on?" a voice asked.

In the dark, Saedii could just make out the outline of someone sitting on the floor beside her. A smooth head, gaunt jaw, silver bolts that crested the crown of his forehead.

A moment later, light flooded Echo's face as he switched on a lantern.

She flinched at the light, but thankfully it wasn't too bright. Dim enough that she could see without squinting but not enough to hurt her eyes.

Echo observed her with his light brown eyes, taking in every emotion that rushed over her face. Thankfully, he didn't ask her if she was alright. Just explained, "Hunter needed to sleep. I made him switch with me."

"What time is it?"

"Just past midnight."

"How long have I been asleep?"

His lips thinned. "Not long."

There was an unspoken request there. He wanted her to keep sleeping. To get more rest.

Slowly, she lowered herself back down onto the mattress. It still felt too soft. Too comfortable. Too warm. She pulled her blanket up towards her shoulder, trying to relax.

A faint knock pealed against the door. Another presence filled the Force – a soft golden light as warm as the sun on Pabu.

Frowning, Echo went to answer it.

"What are you doing up?" he asked.

"I couldn't sleep," Omega's muted voice answered.

"Hunter doesn't want you out without –"

"I want to talk to Saedii."

Saedii grimaced. As happy as she was to have Omega here, Saedii didn't want to talk to her one-on-one. There were too many questions that Omega could ask that Saedii didn't want to answer.

Echo seemed hesitant as well. "It's pretty late, kid."

At least he was being practical with Omega's safety. Saedii was dangerous right now. Unpredictable. It was stupid for any of them to risk being around her, especially Omega.

"Please," Omega said quietly.

Echo looked back over his shoulder, meeting Saedii's eye. With a soft sigh, she nodded to let him know it was alright. She could never refuse Omega if she was begging.

Saedii sat up as Omega stepped inside, looking a little out of place. Her dark eyes flitted around the room, taking in the sparse furniture and the layers of dust. It wasn't exactly welcoming.

"Hi, Megs." Saedii's voice was calmer than she felt. "Everything ok?"

Omega's eyes were unfathomable as they took her in. In the dim light, they were nearly black – two chips of obsidian that glittered in the lamplight.

Those eyes took in Saedii's face, lingering on the bruises that still peppered her skin. On the tired bags that stretched under her eyes and the paleness of her cheeks. Then, they zeroed in on the rock necklace that hung from Saedii's neck, clutched tightly in Saedii's fist like a life line.

"I brought cards." Omega held up a deck. Plain silver and white. "Want to play torek?"

Saedii noticed that Omega had avoided her question. And suddenly, she was sure that Omega wasn't just here to ask questions. After all, she, too had been held captive. Forced to bear witness to unspeakable atrocities. It wasn't just Saedii that was suffering the consequences.

Behind her, Echo's eyes tightened. As if he noticed the same thing.

Saedii slid from her bed and onto the floor, patting the space beside her.

Omega hesitated, glancing at Echo.

At that look, Echo suddenly announced, "I'll go get you two something to drink. I'll be back in a bit."

When the door had closed behind him, the stiffness to Omega's shoulders melted and she took the seat beside Saedii. Sitting this close, the anxiety and tension pooling off of her was like a punch to Saedii's gut.

"Do you want to deal?" Omega held out the cards.

Saedii shook her head. "You do it."

With sure hands, Omega began to shuffle the cards. Silver flashed as the cards moved quickly between her deft fingers, and the faint rustling sound filled the otherwise still room.

Methodically, Omega laid out the cards between the two of them. Saedii hardly glanced at the cards in her hand. Her attention was only on Omega.

"I had a nightmare," Omega finally admitted in a very small voice.

The sound nearly made Saedii's mouth drop. Omega sounded so young all of a sudden. As young and innocent as she had the first time Saedii had met her.

Something cold and bitter sat at the back of Saedii's throat. "Is that why you couldn't sleep?"

"Yes. There were...things I didn't want to see."

A twelve ghii stared up at Saedii as Omega played her first card. Saedii glanced down at her own and selected a two lyr, placing it face up on top of Omega's card.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Saedii asked when the silence stretched.

"Yes." Omega bit her lip. "But also, no. I don't know what I want."

"I know how you feel."

"I thought about you. Every day," Omega said suddenly. "Nala Se tried to find you for me, even when I wasn't sure you were even alive, but our intel wasn't good. The Inquisitors keep their secrets carefully guarded."

Saedii knew that better than anyone. "I looked for you, too."

"And you found me," Omega pointed out.

She had – too late. And that error had cost Saedii her sanity.

Omega placed a new card down – a nine syrth. "The Fifth Sister used to taunt me about your death. She'd tell me how horrible it had been. How they'd tortured you before."

Phantom pain wound down Saedii's back. Echoes of Krell's fists played along her shoulders, whispers of his fingers wound around her arms. She took in a shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry," Omega said at once, sounding guilty. "I shouldn't have –"

"It's ok. The Fifth Sister lied. I'm still here," Saedii pointed out.

Omega's gaze slid to the floor. "I know that we're not in danger anymore, but I can't stop feeling scared. I keep remembering all the things that I saw while I was in Mount Tantiss – all the Clones that were tortured and experimented on. And I keep remembering how much I missed you."

It felt like a blade had burrowed deep into Saedii's heart. Absently, a hand reached up to rub at her chest, as if that could make it better.

"I keep dreaming that I wake up back in the mountain. That I still think you're dead," Omega admitted softly.

"I'm so sorry, Omega." Saedii reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair from Omega's face, caressing her cheek. "I'm so sorry that you had to live through that. I wish I could have saved you from that."

"You already did enough for me."

Her hand froze on Omega's cheek.

Omega's attention turned to the cards in her hands. "I saw the footage from your helmet. From your time with the Inquisitors. What they made you do."

Saedii stiffened. "Tech shouldn't have shown you that."

"He didn't. I hacked his holopad."

Despite herself, a bleak chuckle escaped from Saedii's lips. Breaking into Tech's things was such an Omega thing to do.

Anxiety blackened the Force around them. Omega's voice grew rough as she admitted, "Everything that happened to you is my fault. You were hurt because of me. You hurt others just to keep me safe."

"Omega –"

"It's my fault that you're like this now. That you're so quiet. That you don't smile."

It felt like her chest was cleaving in two. Saedii had never wanted Omega to know what she'd been forced to do to save her. "It's not your fault. Krell gave me a choice – them or you. I was the one who chose."

"You only did it to protect me. That Jedi...the boy..."

Saedii's hand fell away. She gritted her teeth as she reached for the rock at her throat.

"You should have let them kill me."

The cards slipped from Saedii's hand. Her mouth dropped open and a wounded sound escaped before she could help it. Anger blazed behind her eyes.

A flash of panic filled Omega's dark eyes as she caught the expression on Saedii's face, but stubbornness quickly took its place.

"Don't ever say that," Saedii hissed.

Did Omega even understand what she'd said? Did she not know there was no chance that Saedii could ever let her be harmed? That there was nothing Saedii wouldn't do to keep her safe?

"It's true," Omega argued. "I'm not worth it. You never would have been hurt –"

"The hell you aren't." Saedii was livid now. Her hand shook as she pointed a finger at Omega's face and snarled, "Everything that I went through, everything that I did, all the people I hurt – I'd do it a thousand times over if it meant keeping you alive. And you don't get to hate yourself for that decision. If you want to hate anyone, then hate me."

Tears glistened in Omega's eyes. "I don't want to hate you."

The anger that had flared at Omega's admission simmered into a tight knot in Saedii's chest. She watched the play of emotion along Omega's face – fear and guilt and anger and sadness. All the emotions Saedii felt, Omega was feeling too.

A low sigh filtered from Saedii's mouth. Slowly, she scooted closer to Omega and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You've been through enough. You're allowed to be upset, too."

"Our experiences weren't the same." Hesitantly, Omega reached out and touched the scar on Saedii's cheek. The one from Krell's lightsaber.

Saedii leaned away from her touch.

Omega dropped her hand. "The Fifth Sister never hurt me. None of the Inquisitors did."

"What?" Saedii's head felt light again. "But Krell said –"

"He lied. No one ever touched me, Saedii."

An intense rush of relief filled her, even as it was threaded in anger. Of course Krell had lied. She should have known better. Shouldn't have trusted him.

If she'd been strong enough to see through his lies, then maybe Zatt would still be alive.

Warm fingers reached out and pried Saedii's hand from the pinching fist it had curled into. Omega smoothed out Saedii's fingers until she could hold her one hand with the both of hers.

"I don't want you to hate yourself for what you think happened to me," Omega urged. "Hate Krell for deceiving you, but don't hate yourself. You saved my life, like any Jedi would have."

A humorless laugh bubbled out before Saedii could help it. "You don't get it, Omega. By me choosing you over the others, I broke my vows as a Jedi. My attachment made me easy to manipulate."

"You shouldn't blame –"

"A true Jedi wouldn't have made the choices I did."

Omega's hands tightened around hers. "Anakin would have for Padme and the twins. Obi-Wan would have. So would Ahsoka."

But Saedii shook her head. Omega wasn't a Jedi, so she couldn't understand. Not really.

"Please don't hate yourself, Saedii. I want you to forgive all the things Krell made you do. To go back to how things were before," Omega continued, insistent and determined as ever. Even if she looked different, at her core, she was still the same girl that Saedii had met on Ord Mantell nearly three years ago.

Saedii squeezed her hand back. "I'll try."

"I want you to get help from AZI, too."

The expression on Saedii's face soured. She didn't want to talk to anyone about what she'd been through. In fact, all she wanted was to forget it and move on. Find a way to cope with the guilt and the fear.

"Please," Omega begged.

"I don't know." With her metal hand, she reached up to touch the necklace. Just to reassure herself that she was still awake. That it was still real. "I...don't think I'm ready."

"When you are ready, do you promise me that you'll get help?"

Saedii nodded, even if she knew it was a lie.

Omega smiled.

"What about you?" Saedii pressed. "When are you going to get help?"

Stubbornness filled Omega's eyes. "I don't need –"

"We're playing torek on my bedroom floor at one in the morning. Does that sound normal to you?"

The fight evaporated from Omega's expression. She let out a slow breath. "I guess I could probably talk to AZI, too."

"You should. He can help you."

"He can help you, too."

She brushed back more hair from Omega's face and said nothing. She wasn't sure she could lie to her anymore tonight.

The door opened then. Piled onto a tray, a carafe of hot water and several mugs sat beside a bowl of what appeared to be loose tea leaves. It balanced precariously in Echo's hands as he stepped inside.

"I thought it might be too late for caff," he explained as he laid the tray on the floor beside them.

A faint smile played on Omega's face. "Thank you, Echo."

"Here, let me pour you some."

Soon, the warm scent of brewing tea replaced the must and mildew. A hot mug was pressed into Saedii's hands, warming her chilled fingers. Beside her, Omega inhaled the silvery steam that coiled over her own mug, closing her eyes at the scent.

Once everyone had a mug, Echo took a seat across from them. "Who's dealing?"

"Are you playing?" Omega asked, equal parts surprised and excited.

Saedii rose a brow. "I thought you didn't like this game."

"I never said that." He was bemused as he held his good hand out for some cards. "As a matter of fact, I held the record in the 501st. I was the best torek player in our battalion."

Challenge immediately burned in Omega's eyes. She collected the cards into her hands, shuffling them once again. "We'll see about that."