o n e

Heartbreak.

It's a strange thing. Feeling like the whole world is closing in on you and that you can't do anything to stop it. You become the smallest, most vulnerable thing in the entire universe even if you try to rise above the pain and tell yourself that your fine. It's not the kind of pain you feel when you get a cut or when you break a bone. It's a completely different kind of pain that no one can imagine unless you've felt it before. It's the kind of pain that makes you weak until your about to shatter yet it refuses to let you shatter because it wants to keep hurting you over and over again.

Your heart doesn't physically break, if it did then you would die, although the feeling that consumes you makes you wish you were dead instead of having to cope with the pain. People that haven't yet experienced heartbreak say it's all in your head, that if you believe your fine then you will be. They're wrong. It's not just physical or mental pain, it's both. Some try to convert the mental pain they experience into physical pain by deliberately hurting themselves in hopes that it will make them feel better. The majority of times when this happens, it isn't successful and the mental pain is still there, often even more powerful than previously which just makes it more difficult to cope with.

The morning that I finally decided to drive back home was a dull, grey morning with clouds covering the sky like a thick duvet, hiding all the blue and replacing it with a depressing colour. Rain was coming and going as I gathered my things from around my grandma's house. I'd stayed there for nearly two and a half months not doing much most of the time. My grandma had comforted me and let me stay as long as I had wanted.

On the drive back to my house I wondered what my dad would say when I got back. My grandma had told him that I had his car and that I didn't know how long I'd be away. He'd gotten angry but really he didn't mind because he just wanted me to be happy.

I'd called him a few days after I arrived at my grandma's to ask him if he would mind walking Evie everyday. He had complained for a little bit but eventually said "Of course I will". I had missed Evie terribly during my time away from her and it was one of the main reasons why I was going back home.

I parked my dad's car on the drive and climbed out at around 3 in the after noon. I carried my back pack and empty, paper coffee cup that I'd gotten from costa at a service station on the drive home up to the door and rang the doorbell. My backpack was stuffed full with things my grandma had given me in a desperate attempt to make me feel better and it made my shoulder hurt.

"Coming!" Carol's voice shouted from inside the house. I heard Evie bark as Carol opened the door, holding her so she didn't attack me. Evie wriggled in Carol's arms trying to get to me. I slipped my backpack off my shoulder and took Evie away from Carol.

"Hello my baby, I've missed you," I said cuddling her. She licked my face which made me laugh.

Carol bent down and picked my backpack up for me while I said hello to Evie. "Come on in, it's cold out there," she said and I followed her into the living room where my dad and Tyler where yelling angrily at the TV.

"BULLSHIT. THAT WAS NOT A FOUL. CHELSEA ARE GONNA WIN NOW!" my dad yelled and slammed his beer down on coffee the table hard. He leant back on the sofa with an annoyed look on his face but it disappeared as soon as he saw me stood in the doorway.

"Oh my god when did you get back. I've been so worried about you. You know that right?" he said and walked over to me. He hugged me a little to tight and I made a coughing sound to signal to him that I was about to pass out if he didn't let me go. He stepped back from me.

"I know, sorry. I just needed some time," I told him. I felt as if I was about to cry again but I refused to let myself in front of my dad and Carol and Tyler. My dad just gave me a sympathetic smile. He'd been through a heartbreak worser than me and we both knew it but he still had mountains of sympathy for me.

When my mum died he cut himself off from the whole world except for me. We stayed inside for weeks, just me and him. I had missed school because he had refused to drive me and I couldn't walk there because it was to far so we'd sit on the sofa all day, cuddled up in blankets, eating junk food and watching shitty films, most of which were old ones we'd found in an old box in the attic. When he cried I would comfort him and when I cried he would comfort me.

"Hey Lily?" Tyler said from the sofa. I turned to him and he stood up. I stood still as he walked towards me slowly, darting looks at Carol every now and then.

"What?" I said when he stopped in front of me. I wasn't in the mood to argue with him or even to have him call me something insulting.

For the first time since we'd met, Tyler hugged me. It was awkward and we were both stiff but quickly we relaxed and hugged like any other brother and sister. I smiled a little because I'd never hugged him before and he was strangely cold and warm at the same time. He pulled away after about 20 seconds.

"I'm sorry. The guys a dick for whatever he did. Your a pretty decent person most of the time," he said and punched my arm lightly.

So they don't actually know what happened.

I hit his head as he walked away back to the sofa and I smiled when he flipped me off even though Carol yelled at him. I turned back to my dad and Carol who were now stood close together.

"I think I'm gonna take my bag up to my room and then take Evie for a walk if that's ok," I didn't know why I was checking with them about what I was going to do but for some reason I felt like it was necessary.

"Whatever you want. We aren't going anywhere so we'll be here for the rest of the day," my dad said. I nodded and picked my bag up from by Carol's feet.

Evie walked by my feet as I heaved myself up the stairs and walked into my room. I threw myself on my bed that I hadn't slept in for so long and sighed loudly. I shut my eyes but opened them again almost immediately as I felt Evie's tongue wipe across my forehead.

"Sorry baby. Shall we go for a walkie?" I asked her. She barked when I said walkie and I laughed.

I quickly grabbed my over sized fleece jacket from my chair and pulled it on. Evie ran ahead as I made my way downstairs and began scratching at the door. I laughed again and quickly picked up her ball from the floor before opening the door and exposing myself to the harsh wind from outside.

---------

"Evie!" I shouted. I'd walked her to the park that was close to my house so I could throw her ball for her but she had run off somewhere. She'd never ran off before and I was getting worried.

"Evie!" I shouted again. The park was empty because it was raining a bit. I was getting very wet and wanted to go home and have a hot shower but I couldn't find Evie anywhere.

I carried on calling her name and finally I saw her running towards me coming from a group of trees.

"There you are you silly dog. Don't scare mummy like that again," I said to her while attaching her lead to her collar so she wouldn't run away again, "Let's go home yeah?"

She began barking at something behind me and I looked around to see what it was. The blonde haired 21 year old with ocean blue eyes who I'd tried so hard to forget about walked towards me through the rain, his eyes never leaving my face. A shiver ran down my spin and I couldn't breathe as I watched him getting closer and closer. The amount of times I had cried over the previous months due to the man was to many to even try and count.

"Hey Lily," he said and stopped right in front of me.

What is he doing here? How is he here?

I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and clenched my jaw to stop myself from yelling at him. I wanted to scream at him about how he was a horrible person until I lost my voice.

"Why didn't you call me back?" he asked, his voice laced with sadness. I was lying to myself if I said I didn't know what he was talking about. He'd called me many times while I was away at my grandma's. I always picked up because it just said it was an unknown number but as soon as I had heard Niall's voice at the end of the phone I had hung up and not even given him a chance to say more than 3 words. In the end I stopped answering all phone calls from unknown numbers altogether.

I didn't answer his question though because I wouldn't be able to hold in my tears if I spoke.

"I went to your house as soon as you left mine that night. I went all around the party looking for Tyler. He told me you had gone somewhere but he didn't know where. My heart broke when-" I cut him off because I couldn't stand listening to him anymore.

"Your heart broke?!" I said angrily, "You, the one who did the cheating, your heart broke. How do you think I felt?!" I yelled and tears broke out of my eyes. Thankfully the rain washed them away. It had turned into a movie scene; raining heavily in a park with 2 people who were crazy in love with each other fighting.

"You have no idea how sorry I am Lily."

"I think I do actually Niall. I think you aren't sorry because if you really cared you wouldn't have gone and kiss that red haired bitch after I had told you about my last boyfriend. You know I was terrified those 2 weeks we didn't speak that you had been cheating on me and you promised you would never cheat but you did!" I shouted. The pain in my voice was clear and it gave me an advantage because I knew Niall hated when I was sad.

"I am sorry. I'm so so so sorry. What can I do to make you believe me?" he asked desperately.

"You can leave me the fuck alone!" I snapped and marched off quickly pulling Evie along with me. Niall didn't follow me like I thought he would. So I walked home in the rain letting the tears fall from my eyes, crying once again over Niall Horan.