Chapter 22 - 잘못 (JAR-MOS)[Mistake]

A few weeks have passed since my birthday and the days felt as if they were getting longer and longer by the second. BTS ended up beating my record of eight million views in a day with their 9.4 million views with their song 'Spring Day', I know I should devastated by now, but I just couldn't hold in my happiness after hearing the news. Work started piling up even more after my goodbye stage, including promotions, collaboration invitations, and even opportunities to travel to Japan and Malaysia.

"Hey what should I do now that I need to write a new song?"I ask to Lloyd as I sat on my desk with an empty document in front of me."Jimin says I should write about something I love. But what would that be? Shall I write a song about you?"

I giggle aloud when Lloyd jumps and barks happily at my idea."If only I could know what went on in that doggy head of yours."

I've just gotten news that my uncle is slowly recovering, yet it doesn't look like he'd wake up anytime soon to be honest. My mind clouded over with worried thoughts until Lloyd barked and licked my nose, making me smile at it's antics.

"PDnim is offering to take me and Bangtan to Japan for an award ceremony. Obviously I must go, so I'll ask my manager to stay and watch over you all."

Just the thought of going to another awards ceremony made me sick to my stomach, it was so nerve racking and suspenseful that it made me feel lightheaded. There was a knock on my door, this made me raise a brow. It was around ten in the morning, maybe it was just my manager here to remind me to pack my bags for the ceremony two days from now. I got up and Lloyd ran into my room to be with her sisters, I stretched for a moment before walking to the door.

"I'm coming hold up!"I called as the knocking got louder.

I opened up the door to see Tae smiling his boxy smile just as I opened up the door."Hiya Roxi!"

"Hi Tae-oppa! What are you doing here? I thought you guys had practice this morning."I greet, moving aside so he could walk inside.

"We do, but manager said I should come back to the dorm so I could start packing for our trip. 'It would be more of a set back if you didn't come prepared than missing one rehearsal.'. He's not as spontaneous as before. Probably because last time someone forgot their passport at a hotel when we went to America. 'You do not want to forget anything this time!'."

"Oh I see. Well then, are you going to start packing?"I ask, leaning my back onto the door.

"Did you start packing?"he asked, a small smirk on his face.

I just smiled and shook my head, making him chuckle lightly and pat my head."Looks like we have the same problem."

"But I don't wanna."I pout, crossing my arms and spin on my heel to face his door."I'll pack if you pack."

"Then we'll help each other!"Tae cheers, clapping his hands together gleefully."Daebak!"

"Fine fine, I'll help you first then."I offer, bending down to get my shoes.

"No, now that I'm here I'll just help you out."smiled Tae, shaking off his shoes and placing them against the wall.

I shrugged, agreeing to his plan as I went to the closet next to the door to grab my small brown leather suitcase. I led Tae to my room after he was done fawning over my puppies, although he never let go of Jay when we moved from room to room. I packed up my clothes, neatly placing them into my luggage in rolls while Tae learned his boundaries of where he should and shouldn't look. After a while of packing toiletries Tae looked at my desk to see a photo of my whole family and I. I looked at the photo with a smile, I was such a cute baby back then, My mother was holding my brother and I while our father kissed her cheek from the side of the hospital cot. It was one of the only photos I had of my late family, so I made sure to treasure it. Between that wooden frame and cardboard back, there were so many opportunities for memories and happiness.

"Is this your sister?"Tae asked, looking at the picture and then at Jay."Is this your mother's sister Jay?"

I laughed and shook my head, Jay barked and shook his fur as if he was attempting to say 'no'."That's my mother."

Tae looked at me with wide-eyes and his mouth formed an 'O' as he looked at the photo again."She looks really young! Is that your little brother and sister in the photo?"

I shook my head again, making Tae frown at his own obliviousness."That's my little brother and I."

Tae hummed and nodded finally understanding what was going on in the photo."Do you still talk to them?"

"I guess you can say that."I smile meekly, zipping up my luggage bag."They're in America."

"Oh! I'm sorry!"Tae gasped, making Jay jump slightly in his arms."I made you sad didn't I? Sorry sorry!"

"No no don't be, I'm glad you gave me the chance to think about them."I reassure, rolling the bag against the wall."I don't get to see them often but, it's not like I should be sad about that."

"Ah, good. Remember you always have me to keep you company right?"Tae smirked, pointing at himself knowingly."I want to meet your brother one day! I can get someone besides Kookie to call me hyung!"

I sat on my desk chair and looked at the photo. Tae took a seat on the wide windowsill next to me. I didn't want to kill the mood by saying anything depressing, so I kept my mouth shut and nodded.

"That was fun! Let's go so you can help me pack!"he beams, leading me to his dorm after he placed Jay onto his doggy bed."Bye bye!"

We went to his room he shared with Jimin and Hoseok at their dorm. To be honest, the room was only the size of my living and there were two pairs of bunk beds in one corner, a small couch in the other corner, and a large closet next to the door. Their stuff was neatly arranged on a few bookshelves that occupied an open wall and the sun that was set high in the sky allowed some light into the room.

"Sorry it's a bit messy."Tae chuckles, picking up some papers from the ground next to what I presume to be his bed."I'll go get my luggage wait just a moment K."

I nod and he hurries out of the room to the storage closet next door. I urge myself to stay still and not touch anything, afraid that if I made one wrong move I would be snooping. My eyes wandered around the room while I settled into the nearby grey loveseat. It was plush and a bit out of date, but it had a sort of rustic feeling to it. I spotted a few family photos on the bookshelves as well as photos of all the members throughout the years. I looked back, smiling as I remembered old times where I would watch their lives and fawn over Jimin's bright orange hair while laughing at Jungkook's lack of pubescent features back when he was fifteen.

'I'm really having an ARMY throwback right now.'

Soon enough Tae came back with his black duffel bag and set it to the side or a dresser in front of the bunks."What would I need? How long are we staying again?"

"Just three days, four if you count all the hours on the plane."I hum, wondering if I packed too many things.

"Ah I see. I won't need to pack a lot. I'll just borrow some clothes from the wardrobe department."he decides, shoving some necessities into his bag as well as putting in some needed toiletries."Yep! Done! Daebak!"

"Cool, so are you going to head to practice now?"I ask, sitting cross-legged."I would practice but I need to make a song first."

"Good luck with that. Writing songs are hard. If you need help then you can ask Namjoon-hyung! He's really good at writing songs!"Tae admires, sitting on the couch next to me."I wish I could make songs like that!"

"I bet you can Tae-oppa."I smile, seeing him brighten at my encouraging statement.

"Thank you Roxi!"he says, pulling me into a hug."Awwww you're so cute you know that?"

I blush and hide my face him his chest, only making him coo even more."What is it they say in Japan? Kawaii? Yeah! You're kawaii!"

"Thanks I guess."I giggle, resting my head on his shoulder as he continued spewing random compliments and complaints about the trip.

Tae led me out of his bedroom and into the living room. My large black sweater that went to my mid-thigh, and my black spandex that was nearly invisible, and my knee high white socks felt more revealing against the air vent beneath me. I shivered lightly and pulled my wool sleeves over my hands while Tae closed some of the curtains. He turned around to see my situation and went over to his room before coming back with a fluffy blue blanket. He cheesily draped it over me and plopped into a seated position next to me. I snuggled into the blanket so only my face popped out as well as a few of my fingers. Tae wrapped an arm over my shoulders and pulled me closer. We stayed there for a while, hearing the soft ticking from the clock on the wall.

"You're like a big blue berry..."he observes out of nowhere.

"...What's the supposed to mean?"I ask, looking at him with a pout."I'm 'big' to you?"

"Nononono-"he gasps, waving his hand back and forth in defense.

"I know."I smirk, resting my head on his right shoulder again."You're so random Tae-oppa."

"Haha, you shouldn't scare me like that. You're beautiful okay. If anyone tells you you aren't then tell Tae-oppa, I'll make sure to set them straight."Tae smiles, poking my cheeks."You like cuddling don't you?"

"Ye-..."I thought for a moment before responding."Well...I think this is hugging."

"Sure."he rolls his eyes and 'hugs' me tighter."Whatever floats your boat I guess."

I nod and throw some of the blanket over him, seeing him take my offer and roll himself into the blanket with me. Only our heads were showing through the fabric. I shifted a bit so I could share the blanket with him better. He smiled and wrapped an arm around me while resting his cheek against my hair.

"Hey, Roxi."he whispers, catching my attention with his deep voice."Do you miss them?"

"Them? You mean the guys?"I ask, blinking owlishly against the crook of his neck."No, I mean not right now. What are they going to be back later tonight?"

"No not them. I mean your family."he corrects, pulling me as close as he could."You know we've hung out before, but your family was never brought up while mine came up every other minute."

I closed my eyes and sighed, trying my best to fight against the emotion welling up inside me as he asked his question."Of course...of course I miss them."

"Do you still contact them over the phone?"he asks."I've learned that my family appreciates just hearing my voice every now and then."

"...It's not that easy for me to talk to them."I say, my vision blurring over with unwanted tears."...Shit."

I wipe my eyes with my sweater vigorously, before covering my eyes.

'I just needed to cry over them yet again.'

"Tae-oppa...you make it sound so easy. I wish I could contact them through a phone call but I can't. I visit them, but I can't hear them. I just imagine what they would do, I don't even know how they were like. So I just think of them as the perfect family, a family straight from the movies and books. I don't know what they would've looked like now."I ramble, clenching my fists underneath my sweater."...They're dead you know. From the day I was born they were dead. All three of them..."

"Now now don't say that. You're supposed to love your family right? You shouldn't hate them."Tae says, misreading the situation."Tell you what, why don't I help you call them? That way you four can get along!"

"Tae-oppa..."I mumble, rubbing my left temple as a way to show my self-pity."You've got it all wrong...They're dead. They died in a car accident a few days after I was born...My father, mother, and brother all died."

"Okay I'm done with the joke, what drama is this from?"he chuckled, patting my head as if I were a child."You're a really good actor."

I opened my mouth, my throat holding back an insult as I clenched the ends of my sweater. He doesn't understand me. I sighed my irritation away and replaced my somber look with one of meek happiness.

"Thank you Tae-oppa..."I smile, biting my lip right after in order to hide the pained sound coming from deep inside my chest."You're an amazing actor as well."

"Really? You watched Hwarang right? I love it! We should watch it together some time!"he fanboys as he started to talk more about his acting career.

Right when I got a needed call from my manager who called me over to the main building for some consulting for the new song, I said goodbye to Tae. He was disappointed and showed his feelings openly by trapping me in a tight hug, although I tickled him and escaped. It was hard, ignoring the feeling of emptiness as I walked away, I didn't clarify how I really felt.

'He'll find out sooner or later.'