50 "proxy"

For weeks I would sit beside my father. I would sit and wait for him to wake up or at least For him to show some kind of life. About a month ago he began to breathe on his own again. The doc said that was a great sign. But it didn't mean he was out of the woods. Last week the doctors asked me to be his health care proxy. I was extremely hesitant to sign it. I was the only one to visit him so often. They figured I was his only family. I didn't think he would want me to be his proxy..based off of him never having  trust in me one bit. The nurses did say that if or when he wakes up he can change the proxy.  Truth be told they needed somone to make decisions for him immediately, and I just so happened to be the only one around.  Jamie hasn't seen my father once, he is much too worried about his career and reputation, Casey of course is devoted to his family, and Beth has been in the burn unit for five weeks from being attacked at her job. Somone sent a bomb to her office moments after my father was nearly killed. Leaving me. I was the only available family. Im scared though.. I'm just waiting for my sister to find out that a had been the caregiver for my father. Casey knows. I spoke to him about it. He said he would've chose me over any of my other siblings. He told me to be aware of her. It's for the best, .

For hours of the day I sat with my dad. I held his hand, read him the paper, updated him on some things. A lot left unsaid. Such as the ranch being ambushed, Beth being blown up .. then jimmy too. Jimmy the same night fell off his horse again.. snapping his back in half. Jimmy was bed bound again... I thought about going to see him but I know it would just causes so much drama I wasn't ready for. But I haven't stopped thinking about him.

Gently I rocked in a rocking chair as I read the paper out loud to daddy. His skin pale and his eyes crusted with tear stains. He looked so cold and still. It wasn't like him. I felt like a little girl again, sitting and waiting, making sure her drunken father doesn't choke on his own vomit.. now and then I would dab his eyes with a tissue. I would also add chapstick along his lips after they took out his ventilator. I knew he would've hated to have me help.. but who else would've done it. Gently I folded the paper then tucked it under his water cup that has sat full for three months. My fingers ran along my father's pale wrist as I glanced up form his lifeless self to see a figure in the door way. "Good god. When will you realize he doesn't like you?" my evil sister said. I bowed my head to keep my eyes focused on daddy's brushing. . "Youre seriously just trying to squeeze your way into the will ain't ya?" She spoke again as she sat on the end of my father's bed. I didn't respond I leaned back away from John to move farther from her. "Hey..." the nurse said as she knocked on the door. I perked up with a soft smile. "I was wondering if we could give John another round of IV antibiotics?" She asked with a sweet smile. I stood up to move away from the dropper stand. "Of course" Beth said. The nurse glanced at my sister. The nurses  brows were frowning with confusion as she had never seen Beth before.  "I was speaking to the proxy. I'm sorry miss" she nodded to me as she began to attach m his IV bag to his picc line. Beth squinted her eyes. "Proxy?" She questioned. The nurse wasn't sure what to say at Beth's surprise. "You?" She stared at me. I began to sweat. "You? A killer?" She scoffed. I stood up as I had a deep feeling it was my que to leave. "Good night daddy" I kissed John's head Before grabbing my bag and coat to leave the room. As I walked down the bleach smelling hallways I could hear the echos of Beth's feet following behind me. "Why are you walking away!? I asked you a question!" She shouted. "There was no question asked" I said as I clicked the elevator button. "Who the fuck said YOU! could be his proxy!?" She said louder. I looked around us with embarrassment. "keep it down. Patients are trying to sleep" I stepped into the elevator. She of course followed. Her hands quickly smacked the out of order button on the wall. I scoffed as I stared up at the ceiling. "Jesus christ" I mumbled. "He hates you! Don't you get that!? He hates you! He would've never wanted you to be the fucking proxy!!" She shouted in my face. I stared away at her as she threw her tantrum. "You're gonna fucking kill him! You're gonna kill him just like you did her!! Matter of fact you're the fucking reason he's in this fucking mess!! This is your fucking fault" she shoved my shoulders. I clenched my jaw as I didn't fight back. "Sign over your fucking rights!" She pointed into my chest. I ignored her. "LOOK at me when I'm talking to you!" She pointed harder into my chest with every word "SIGN. OVER. YOUR. RIGHTS!" Angrily I grabbed her finger bending back. She shouted with pain. "No!" Beth came back with a punch to my face. I yelled in pain before tossing one back to her, her head slammed against the metal elevator door as I could feel her skin splitting against my knuckle. I could see anger swelling in her eyes. He hands lunches for my throat. I was quick to wack my bag against my head " enough beth!! I didn't ask to be a god damn proxy! I know more about the medical world than you. It's not personal!"

"You are a fuckin killer! If he dies I'm killing you!! I will torture you! I will make sure you feel so much pain you wish you were dead!" She threatened. I simply stared at her bloody nose drip down her chin. I clicked the button to release us. I didn't replied to her. I simply held my sleeve on my lip. "He's going to die because of you. This is your fault! You killed him!" She  yelled. Again, I didn't respond. I stepped off the elevator leaving her to bleed on her own

After a long drive home I walked through the bunkhouse. The bunks were quiet and mourning. They played cards quietly as the others oiled up their boots or loaded their shot guns. For months we would be on a some sort of lock down. Every man took a turn keeping watch of the property. It had been weeks and we are still on our toes "Hey miss Nelson. How's the old man?" Lloyd asked with a sorrowed look on his muzzle. "He's hanging in there" I say. I havnt spoken much about my father Or of what happened that night. Lately  I've had a hard time falling asleep without seeing that little boys bloody body.. I keep waking up in a sweat, to the point where walker began to take notice. I of course did my best to brush it off. I walked straight to my bunk to lay down, I was being stopped by a hand being held out from the bunk. The hand rubbed my waist lovingly before pulling me in. "Where you been baby?" Walker asked sweetly as he looked up at me from hugging around my waist. His big sad eyes stared at me with love. "With my daddy" I sighed tiredly. "Hey.. hey.. where did you get a fat lip?" He asked as he reached up to touch it. I turned my head to shield my face with my very long blonde hair. "Leave it alone walk" I looked down at the ground as I took off my boots. "What happned?" He asked. "Beth" I mumbled. Walker sighed. "Again?" He groaned. "Yep..Again" I agreed. I tiredly plopped down on the bed beside him. I laid back to stare at the ceiling. Walker leaned on his side to watch me. His hand propped up his head as he laid. Walkers free hand gently tickled my tummy that peeked out from the bottom of my T-shirt. "Is it about the medical decisions?" He asked very soft and gentle like. "Mhm. Threatened to kill me. Go figure. I hit her back. I'm sure rip will be here soon to chat about it" I kept my eyes on the ceiling with my hand gently rubbing the top of his hand. "Atta girl. I think you might need to kick her ass" he joked. I turned my head to look my loving man in the eyes. "I couldn't beat anyone up if I tried. Look at me" I huffed. Walker chuckled as he took my hand to press against his lips. "Looks like you clocked her good at least once" he smooched the bruises that appeared on my knuckles. "Looks like I couldn't get away with murder if I tried" I smiled slightly. Walker snickered "not when you bruise like a peach blondie. You're screwed" he leaned down to kiss me deeply. I smiled slightly Against his skin. "Hey. How is he?" The room asked Mia as her and Laramie enter the bunkhouse. I sat up to watch them. Wondering what on earth they are doing here still with jimmy gone. "He's up and walking. Doc said he was near death. He ain't out of the woods yet" MiaSaid. I hated to hear that jimmy was in pain. It broke me to pieces. The girls sat at their bunks as they got ready for the night. Is this a motel 6 now that they must stay here? "Did you shower?" I asked walker as I was ready to go to bed for the night after a warm shower. Walker didn't answer me. I leaned over to catch his attention. That's when I saw His eyes watching the blonde woman across the room. I frowned. "Walk.." I nudged him. Walker looked to me once again "what'd you say blondie?" His hand held my jaw sweetly as he kissed my forehead. "I wondered if you wanted to shower?" I asked again. "Yeah honey. Come on now" walker grabbed his towel and belongings to join me in a shower. A quick one. "Looks like you got a type huh?"  I spoke up after being quiet in the shower. I squeezed my hair with a towel. "Whatcha mean?" His arms wrapped around my naked waist like a belt. His lips smooched my neck in a sexy way. "Nothin" I tilted my head. He frowned a bit. "..what's goin on with you pretty girl. Huh? Still shaken up from your daddy?" He asked. I looked down at the sink as I thought for a moment. "... what if he dies walk.. it would be my fault"

"Oh baby.." he kissed along my wet shoulder "don't think like that. It sounds like he's pulling through better than you thought. Worst case  and he does die... you bought him so much time by saving him.... I think you have your sister talking in your ear. You gotta ignore her"

"If daddy dies.. she will take my life" I looked up at him with a serious face. He frowned. "That won't happen. I promise you that" He can't promise me anything. He hasn't been around long enough to even know what my family is capable of. They don't have a clue. That's why I'm alone in this. Not just in this situation but alone in the world..