Chapter 36

A/N: Hi. Yes, this doesn't make sense but i just wanted to say thank you i love you. :)

Readers: I thought you said this was the last chapter?Me: I panicked.

Epilogue to follow. (I really mean it this time.)

***************

(Third Person's P.O.V)

There were a lot of things about Beam that Forth had been accustomed to, they've been together for nearly a year and in that amount of time he learned that sometimes, Beam was like a gloomy weather, dull and grey. And then other times he was the complete opposite - a blinding sunshine. Would talk about things that doesn't make any sense. Sometimes, he eats anything and everything all at once and then there were times that he wouldn't eat a single bite, not unless Forth shows how worried he is. There were times that Beam would sleep for hours and then he wouldn't and just stare at a wall or at the ceiling. Beam wasn't even aware that Forth knows he looks at him at night sometimes. These inhibitions, these thoughts that one day, he would wake up and then there's no Forth beside him, no Forth anywhere.

Just when you think everything was getting better, life comes and slaps you in the face and makes you realize that it doesn't get better in a single snap. That just because you've forgiven some people doesn't mean you've forgiven yourself entirely and just because you've forgotten some things about your past fears doesn't mean they're not there anymore. Somehow they find a way to resurface back into you to make you remember how bad it feels.

'You know sometimes i think you're a figment of my imagination. I always convinced myself that when i wake up, you'll be gone.' He stared at the ceiling and kept his eyes there, unable to make eye contact with Forth. His hands fiddling with the two ends of the shoelace that dangled from the hoodie he was wearing. He had been wanting to tell him about these fears. He needed the constant reasurrance before he opens up completely.

'Why would you think that? I don't look real enough?' Forth gave a small chuckle after he shifted to lay on his tummy and his elbows propped on the bed, but otherwise didn't say anything more and waited for him to talk again.

'No.' he looked at Forth for a mere second before finally looking at his fingers. He couldn't tell him how scared he was of..of the possibility of losing him. 'Just..you know..you're too...perfect.'

'No one is perfect.' Forth drawled in a bored tone that made Beam look away in embarrassment, like he was telling Beam something he should already know by now. Just, the way he said it implied that there is a possibility that he would still leave Beam when time comes. If not soon, then maybe a little later. Because no one is perfect and people could still make the decision to leave no matter how many times they promised to stay.

'I know.' Beam said, feeling a little defensive. His hands having the slightest tremble this time, usually a sign of an oncoming anxiety attack. 'But..but you know how when you love someone everything about them is perfect? That's..that's just how i feel.' he added in almost a whisper and couldn't help feeling stupid at his reasoning.

It felt like he was defending himself which he didn't realize that he was doing it until now. Beam didn't know when this 'defending himself' to Forth began. It just did. Maybe he changed or maybe Forth did. It happens a lot when one is no longer 'attached' emotionally. (At least that's what Beam knows).

Forth pursed his lips, and rolled out of the bed but remained seated on the edge, his back to Beam. 'You love me? How come you've never said that before?'

Beam felt those pinpricks under his eyelids when he closed his eyes and then took a very deep breath. He won't cry. He's way past that point. Finally, he managed to say; 'Because it's scary.'

'Scary?' Beam couldn't see his face but he knew Forth was scowling. 'Scary how?'

'I...i look at you and..' he closed his eyes and again took a deep breath. He is not going to cry. '..i just...i just love you so much and that terrifies the shit out of me.'

Forth hung his head and breathed a very bored sigh and finally he stood up, took a hoodie laying from the couch and grabbed his phone out of a table by the wall. 'This is getting so over dramatic i can no longer deal with this all the time.' He stopped midway to pull on the hoodie over his head and proceeded to walk over to the door without so much as a glance at him. 'I'm heading over to the pub with Lam. Get some sleep. Maybe a little rest is what you need.' And with that, he was gone after switching off the light. Leaving Beam in complete darkness, leaving him to wonder if opening up to Forth was too late because now, he no longer seemed interested. After all, a year is a pretty long time to wait for someone who hides behind his walls when you know you can get anyone you want out there.

How did everything end up to this? How did they ever came down to this point? Forth used to be very careful of what he says and was never rude or insensitive. He used to tell Beam how much he loved him (even though Beam wouldn't say it back) and now it just feels like he stays due to obligations and promises...he just..should Beam let him go instead? Maybe Forth finally realized that he could do better with other people? Those who didn't have issues. Maybe he did, maybe Forth finally grew tired of him..before he even..before he even told him how much he loved Forth.

But, to be fair, Forth stayed longer than he expected. He stayed for more than a year and to Beam, (including the time in which they weren't boyfriends yet) and that was fine. That was okay. It had to be. He always knew Forth would realize how overly sensitive he was and he would soon grew tired.

And lo and behold, that day has come.

But, he just told him how much he loves him - even though not directly but still he said it! - and that's not fair! He opened his heart and now he thinks that Forth wants to leave. It just wasn't fair. He bit his lip, hard, so he didn't sob but the tears were already flowing out like waterfalls so he bit his lip harder but it was no use. His hands came to his side, hugging himself as he was sobbing. He was covered in his thick blanket but it was still too cold, far too cold that he wouldn't be so shocked if an icicle formed at the ceiling.

He lay on his side, sobbing, hugging himself. He didn't know where exactly but somewhere in his body, it felt like something hard hit him, or maybe it was small like ant bites? but maybe several million ants bit him all at once and on the same spot. It was stinging but he didn't care much to find out where it hurt. All in all it just felt like his whole body hurt and it was too cold to move to find out where exactly the physical pain was coming from.

But his body was moving...or was it shaking? Not on his own though. A voice was calling his name and it was hard to understand at first, it was muffled, like the voice was talking from under the water..or was he the one under the water?

Someone was shaking him again and it felt like he got sucked out of that reality and now he was in a different one. The voice was clearer now, it was calling his name and his sobbing were much more louder, much more real. And the pain somewhere in his legs hurt much more now too.

'Beam! Beam..baby please wake up.' came the now comprehensible words. 'It's fine..i got you..everything's fine..please wake up..' and he awoke with a start and then started sobbing all over again.

'Shhh...i got you..I'm here..you're okay..' The soothing voice kept repeating as Forth was half seated on the bed, his back pressing against the headboard and was holding Beam up to his chest, right hand wrapped around the distraught guy, the other hand carding through the messy black hair in a calming manner. Forth wasn't in the most comfortable position but who was he to complain. 'I got you..everything's fine..I'm right here..I'm right here..'

Forth woke up when a sob and whimpering came from the other side of the bed. And he saw Beam in that curled up position and he was sobbing and Forth had to pry away his hands from gripping or clutching or pinching the part of his left thigh, the part near the underside of the knee, which already had bruises before as this is not the first time Beam pinched himself and punctured his legs using his nails when he has nightmares.

The nightmares had stopped visiting for a long while that Forth almost forgot they ever existed.

Minutes passed and the sobbing had died down. It was mostly hiccups now but Beam still refused to show his face which rested on Forth's chest. 'I'm sor-.'

Forth's eyes landed on the part of the blanket where Beam's legs were under and remembered the purple and yellowish bruises on the inside of Beam's left thigh which he caught a glimpse of when Beam came out of the shower a little while ago before they went to bed (Beam never let him see the bruises when he has it,) and he knew what Beam was sorry for. 'Shhh...it's....i know..' he whispered before putting a kiss on top of Beam's head and continued; 'I'm right here. I'm always here.'

'I promised i wouldn't do it again..I'm sorry..' he says quietly, dissapointed at himself for breaking the promise he made to Forth when they had talked about the fading bruises to what seemed like a really long time ago.

'I know that too..' Forth whispered against his lover's hair. Hands still caressing the backside of Beam's head. '..you can tell me after you rest..hmm? Things will be a lot better in the morning..i promise.'

Beam bit his lip again and had just realized that it hurt a lot more now, the biting in his dreams were real and now his lips were swollen and tasted faintly like blood. The hurting on his thigh was also due to the fact that he was gripping his skin and his nails were digging onto them when he was dreaming and wondering why something hurt.

Forth glanced at the clock on the right hand wall. It was almost three in the morning. The sound of sniffling against his chest tells him that Beam was still awake. 'You want something warm to help you sleep again? I can go get something from the st-

But Beam shook his head before he even finished the sentence. 'I want you to stay..' Beam whispered and he tightened the hug around Forth's waist. 'Just stay..'

'Okay..i'll stay.'

Somehow, it pains him to not know what Beam was going through to make him resort to self harm. Nothing was wrong for almost two weeks and nothing much happened in those days that would explain this situation but he realized that Beam was still on recovery. He saw the bruises long before they were even a couple and but it stopped for a long while and then he saw the bruises again the night before but they looked old, as he knew how new bruises looked like from experience (fist fights). But he knew Beam would tell him soon. When he's ready.

'I love you, you know that right?'

Beam nodded against his chest. 'Me too.'

***************

Beam groaned. Sometimes he hates that voice. But only in mornings when he didn't want to get up.

'Babe, wake up. We're gonna be late.'

'Five minutes.' he grumbled.

'You said that five minutes ago. You can just sleep in the car later. Get up please. Kit is bombing your phone with calls.'

Beam groaned again but he got up this time and lazily went to the bathroom with Forth smiling fondly at his retreating back.

**

'What's up with these two?' Jan gestured to Art and Lam who were dead asleep on the couch.

They were at the lobby of Wayo and Phana's dorm, which was always the meeting place because of the large parking space in the front and it was closest to the gates.

'Both was up till morning but for entirely different reasons, one was playing a mind numbing game and another one is obviously hungover.' Mark kissed her temple before walking towards Phana who was on his phone, leaving her to deal with them.

On another couch beside Lam and Art, Wayo and Ming were head to head on a mobile game which, coincidentally, was the same mobile game that sucked the life out of Art and made him look a zombie.

Phana and Mark were near the massive car, checking for possible mechanical errors. Kit was on the phone, bombing Beam's phone with missed calls and messages telling them to hurry up.

Back at the couch, Lam jolted awake. 'Are we there yet?'

'No.' Art grumbled, eyes half open and wanting to be included in Wayo and Ming's game but not having the proper wits to get his phone from his pocket because of his comfortable position.

'How about now? Are we there yet?' Lam asked again, eyes still closed.

'For fuck's sake Lam, we're not even in the car yet.'

'Oh.'

'How come P'Lam is always hung over when we need to go somewhere?' Wayo mused.

'Because he's lazy and doesn't like to drive for too long that's why..' Jan who managed to squeeze herself beside Wayo told him without looking at him. 'Where's the royal couple?'

'P'Beam doesn't like mornings.' Wayo sighed and stiffled a yawn and Jan just nodded.

'Finally!' Kit sighed loudly when Forth and Beam arrived in Forth's motorbike. Beam only grinned at him while hugging a plastic bag full of chips and chocolates and whatnot and trotted towards the couch and managed to squeeze himself between Art and Lam who payed him no attention. Forth looked fed up when he saw his two friends.

Phana somehow caught a glimpse of Beam's leg when he was going down from the motorbike and gave Forth a curious look. Forth gave a brief nod to him, an unspoken agreement that they will talk about it later.

**

'Wait! Hold on! I need to pee!'

Mark stepped on the brakes and sighed loudly. Beside him on the shotgun seat, Jan facepalmed and sighed. 'You should've said that earlier!'

They were on a massive car thay resembles a van but bigger but also looks like a mini bus. The vehicle could fit at least eight to ten people.

Mark was the designated driver for the first half of the trip, his girlfriend was beside him. On the back of them were Forth and Beam and the snacks that he was carrying earlier, beside them was Phana and Wayo. Then Kit and Ming in the middle (it was the part of the car where the sliding door was so only two seats was placed) and at the very back were Art and Lam. The only two people who weren't a couple. Each of them occupied two seats as they needed sleep.

'I didn't need to pee earlier!'

'Damn it we're almost at the gates Lam.'

'It's not like I'm going to take forever..quit whining.'

'I'm not turning this car around, you just have to hold it in.' Mark stepped on the gas again and didn't pay attention to Lam's complaining.

Forth, Beam and Ming were giggling at their seats because Mark was pretending Lam didn't exist. Phana and Kit had that amused smirk on their faces but doesn't make it known. Art and Jan simply didn't care. And Wayo was fast asleep to even pity him.

'P, I'm hungry.' Ming said after a little while.

'That's because you had your phone for breakfast.' Kit shrugged and Ming made a face when Art snorted.

Beam passed the plastic bag he was carrying a while ago which had a small juice box and a two sandwiches.

**

'Finally!!' Lam almost jumped in excitement when they made their first stop at a gas station. He was the first one to bolt away from the car and ran towards the comfort rooms.

Wayo, Ming and Beam immediately went into the store as they volunteered to be the ones to get food.

'Why did you guys give them so much money they buy food like unsupervised nine year olds!' Kit stormed out of the car in pursuit of the three hungry boys to 'supervise' after he complained at Pha and Forth who both shrugged after his outburst.

While Mark, Jan, Pha and Forth did little stretching just outside the car, Art didn't bother moving from his seat, or even bothered to open his eyes. Art sleeps like a bear in hibernation once he's in the mood. His friends rarely worried about him.

Forth was the next designated driver. They only had to do one stop because the place wasn't that far and Mark drove really fast earlier.

The trip wasn't as chaotic as the last trip they had, thank the gods to that, Forth thought. Beam was occasionally feeding him chips and he would roll his eyes after, Forth knew it was his way to hide his smile. Beam was still a little shy at showing affection, (if he did weird things when the confidence strikes him, he was weird like that.) Mark and Jan who took their previous seats were asleep on each others shoulders, as well as Ming and Kit. Lam and Art were so quiet that Forth almost forgot they existed. Pha and Wayo were the only other couple who were awake. Aside from the occasional noise coming from the bag of chips Beam was eating and the crunching sounds, the only other noise was Wayo's grumpy whining when his P'Pha would poke his cheeks after stuffing it with the chocolate coated marshmallow and wouldn't quit no matter how hard Wayo glares at him.

**

Their accommodation this time, was a villa. It had a big parking space, enough for another car as big as the one they had. The whole house was painted in off white color with a hint of gray and metal designs here and there. A clear glass sliding door leads to the pool that was enough for more or less eight people. The ground floor had two rooms with two beds on each room and a personal bath. Two other rooms were located at the second floor, one bed each. It wasn't that big but also not small enough to be uncomfortable for ten people.

Half of the house faced a mini garden, (the same half where the pool was located) and from there you could see roofs of the neighboring villas. The mini garden also served as a pathway to the next villa. The other half, was an open balcony that faced the ocean. There was a circular arrangement of love seats and a couple of bean bags enclosed in a soft waterproof casing and at the middle was a very shallow drum enclosed in big rocks, perfect for a bonfire. And from there, you could actually see that the villa stood on the edge of the cliff, but on a distance from the very edge that was considered safe, even though the cliff was only as high as a two leveled house.

'I need to take a bath!' Lam announced as he stormed off in one of the rooms once the keys were handed to them by the two employees who welcomed them at the gate when they arrived.

'Me too! Wait up!' Art went after him as he shut the door of the van and walked past Jan and Mark and the two people who were employees of the resort, like an alcoholic ghost. The boy employee left them to talk to Phana, Ming and Kit to show them the gardens and the stairs beside the house that leads to the beach.

Mark and Jan were left to talk to her about the arrangements in the villa and all the other amenities as they were the ones (it was mostly Jan, actually) who booked and settled the entire trip. But Jan noticed the girl employee raised a brow and a judging look when Lam announced he needed to take a shower and Art asked to wait up.

'Are you the only girl on this trip, Miss?' the girl employee finally asked, the patch on her shirt says her name is Ana. And Jan didn't like how she looked at her with all her friends. 'With all those boys?' she raised her brow, her tone somewhat accusing.

Mark made a sound in his throat that roughly translates to 'You have no idea.' but Jan didn't mind him. Instead she nodded. 'Mm-hmm, problem?'

'That's a lot of boys.'

'I know, they're our sons.' Jan smiled at her, but not in a friendly way. It made her shut up nonetheless. Mark almost choked. Sometimes his girlfriend proves she's got a mouth on her and is not to be messed with.

The two employees finally left them after explaining everything to Mark and Jan. Then they settled on their room.

'Can we go down on the beach?' Beam asked excitedly, looking out the window. He and Forth got the room on the second floor. Wayo and Phana had the other. Ming and Kit were rooming with Art, Jan and Mark had Lam.

'Of course, there's stairs going down near the balcony, but we'll go tomorrow, it's near dark already.'

'Ok.' Beam whispered and then he fell silent again. He didn't realize he was staring out for too long until Forth took hold of his hands, and snapped out of his thoughts.

'What's wrong?'

He stared into his eyes, then shook his head. 'Nothing.' But the excuses died when Forth squeezed his hand and looked expectantly.

Beam smiled sweetly to distract him. He'll deal with the growing anxiety maybe a little later. 'Dad knows about you.'

Forth's worried expression grew into that of a scowl. 'What? Wait! You said you didn't tell him?!' Beam saw the slightest panic in his face and it was amusing, really 'You visited him three weeks ago and you told me just now?'

'Calm down!' He said dismissively which only made the scowl grew. 'I didn't tell him about you. He found out.'

Forth closed his mouth and dumped the clothes he was searching through for after he took a shower and followed him near the door. 'What did he say?'

Beam shrugged, he was easily distracted by the smell wafting from somewhere in the house. 'He said he's okay with you. But he'll kill you if you hurt me.'

'That's easy.' He shrugged with so much confidence that made Beam snort. 'What else did he say?'

Beam shrugged, 'He wants to meet you someday..'

'Really? So he approved then?' There was a twinkle in his eyes as a stupid smirk made it's way to his face.

'Maybe.' Beam turned the doorknob in a hurry when he smelled barbeque from downstairs.

'So when's our honeymoon?'

Beam stopped midway, door opened halfway and blinked at Forth like he was crazy, 'What honeymoon are you talking about we're not even married yet!' then proceeded to shut the door to Forth's grinning face.

'Who the hell cares about what comes first?!' Forth complained loud enough for Beam to hear as he snatched a towel and went for the shower, of course, with a very wide grin that almost reached his ears.

Beam hated the confidence now, he should have told him much much later. Now his boyfriend is never going to shut up about it. He sighed and rolled his eyes instead. He was focused on the barbeque.

Mark and Art were busy doing the barbeque near the pool when Beam came down. Wayo was already eating some of the cooked ones. Lam was sprawled on couch in the living room, busy scrolling through his phone, probably searching for nearby pubs he and Art could crash into once the romance in the house becomes too unbearable. Phana and Ming were carrying a cooler full of beer and ice which they brought and stored at the back of the car. Kit and Jan were checking the garden on the other side of the pool and were chatting animatedly.

Forth came down several moments later and opened a beer and plopped down beside Beam and Wayo on a bean bag that the two pulled from inside the living room.

Almost all of them had noticed that the villa next to them, was almost as noisy as they were, especially when the garden/path way was the only thing seperating the two villas.

'Is someone being slaughtered in there?' Ming drawled in a bored tone. Kit was playing mindlessly with his hair which made him sleepy while everyone else except Forth, Beam and Lam was lounging around the house or taking a shower.

'I've heard that voice before.' Forth and Lam turned to Beam who seemed to be thinking hard and still looking unsure.

'Who do you think that is? Doesn't sound familiar to me..'

Forth and Lam had shared a knowing glance when there was more yelling from the next villa. The yelling wasn't that of a creepy vacation-turned-into-massacre yelling but it was somewhere near that part. They already had an idea of who stays at the next villa but Forth didn't dwell on the thought that much.

And in the next morning, he and Beam and everyone else woke up before the sun even came up. They all went to bed earlier than they should the night before because no one was up for more beers, too much dinner had made them all sleepy, and that's aside from the fact that the place has a calming ambiance.

All of them agreed to come down to the beach and watch the sunrise from there, they could have agreed to just watch it from the balcony but some of them wanted to take a dip in the clear waters after a little sightseeing around the area. Beam didn't like the 'waking up before the sun came up' part but because of the idea of romantic view of the sunrise with his boyfriend and it's rare occurrence in their lives, he compromised.

The stairs that leads to the beach was on the right side of the house, near the garage. And they all had flashlights from their phones to light their way as they walked in a single file down the stairs and had scattered a bit into different directions once they were on the open area of the shore, finding their own little spot to sit down to.

Truly, the sunrise was one of those moments that makes you momentarily forget to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide, but in the very best way. As the first rays of sunshine crept through the backdrop of a clear sky, Beam understood how such moments like these were precious, it was calming, you wouldn't be able to get your eyes off it. He always thought that the so called paradise was a non existent place, just like how he made himself believe that home will never be the same again and therefore he had stopped believing altogether. That no matter how hard he tried to live life in its fullest, he wouldn't get there. He would never know what it looks like, or how it feels. And he would never feel what it's like to be home again.

But now he does, he knew what paradise was when Forth mindlessly took hold of his hand and squeezed gently, the the guy smiled at him with that smile that makes Beam's heart overflow with emotions, the smile that tells him everything will be alright, and then motioned his head to the others and Beam scanned the others and grinned to his boyfriend. Indeed, the aura that sorrounding them was romantic. It was one of those times when Kit would let Ming place a kiss on his temple even when everyone else is around and can probably see them. Jan had her head resting on her boyfriend's shoulder, her hand looped on his. Even Lam who kept complaining earlier was amazed by the scene and the feeling. He knew they all felt the same as the sun made slowly made it's way up the sky. It was breathtaking, really.

And he learned that the so called paradise isn't always a place. Sometimes it's a feeling. And that home isn't always four walls and a roof, sometimes, it's two arms and a heartbeat.

The sun had now risen and no other part of it was hidden behind the far away mountain that it had risen from mere minutes ago, and the romantic aura was replaced by the excitement of splashing in the salty water early in the morning. Lam and Ming came running towards the water, they were always the overexcited ones. Jan was testing the water by dipping her feet on the shallow waves when Mark decided that the best way to test the water was dive in it, hence lifting his girlfriend and dumping her onto the waist deep water and then proceeded to run away as fast as he could. Not a minute passed and the same fate happened to Wayo, but this time, Phana didn't run from him and instead offered himself for instant revenge. Then Ming came running/padding back towards the shore to go get his P'Kit, who by then sensed his plan and glared, but the death glares didn't seem to faze Ming in the slightest. Now Beam had to be sure his boyfriend wasn't thinking the same thing, so he backed away in little steps, slowly at first so Forth didn't notice, but then their eyes met and Forth had that knowing smirk while Beam had that don't-you-even-dare..

but then something behind Forth caught his eye.. Neon orange.

A ridiculous amount of neon orange glints behind Forth, he squinted more..and realized he was squinting at a familiar face.

The man was twirling around, obviously with a phone in hand and must be recording himself. Then before he could be sure, another man came into view, this time he was wearing white top and shorts, the typical look of a someone in a vacation, he was doing weird poses every time the neon orange thing would focus him on the camera.

'BRIGHT! TOOTA!'

***************A/N: I don't have words to explain myself.