Chapter 26

He opened his eyes and blinked several times to adjust his sight. The drapes of his glass window were closed. It was dark inside his room and he don't have any idea what time it is or what day it is.

He cried nonstop before he fell asleep and now wakes up with bloodshot eyes and heavy eyelids. He half hoped to see Forth lying beside him or sitting on the couch reading something.

He thought of all the things that happened before he fell asleep and now tears were threatening to roll down his cheeks again. He wished it was just a horrible nightmare but the empty side of the bed and dark room proves the fact that everything is real. And it's like slapping him in the face again and again.

Then he took his phone from the side table to check what time it is.

The phone display says its eleven minutes passed eight in the morning. He hasn't eaten anything since they arrived two hours passed lunch but he wasn't feeling hungry or even thirsty. In fact, he wasn't feeling anything aside from hurt and regret.

Too awake to get back to sleep and too tired to get out of the bed, he didn't know what to do. It seems like even breathing makes him tired.

He wondered where Forth was. He missed him already. He got used to his presence and now he's gone, he's lost again.

Why did he have to pick a fight?

Why did he have yell at him?

Why did he have to hurt him?

Beam and his foul mouth.

Forth had been so patient with him and hurting him is not how he should be repaid.

Beam lied down on the bed again. Maybe he was too depressed to stay awake.

*

She was still pissed about how Forth left her standing there and ran after Beam upstairs. She is confident Forth was only in a relationship with Beam because of curiosity.

Lin aspires to make Forth like her back. Beam was good looking and rich and he could have anyone he wants.

But she wasn't interested in pretty men.

She liked the rugged type.

The one who smokes.

The one whose stare could make you melt into a puddle.

The one named Forth.

She saw Forth in a facebook page when she was in her last year of high school and instantly had a crush on him. He represented their faculty for a pageant that time when he was a freshman. She liked Phana Kongthanin but her heart beats for this engineering moon. So she did everything to be accepted to this prestigious university's engineering faculty. Fortunately enough, she was also chosen to be the star to represent the same faculty.

During practice, she came to like her partner Mingkwan, but everytime Forth would show up, her likings to this freshman moon would disappear into thin air. She came to know that Forth was not in a relationship at that time. This was her chance to make Forth notice her but every time she would try, his attention would gravitate towards this other person.

When Phana Kongthanin would show up in during their practice, his two best friends would always be around. It wasn't necessary for them to be there even in late hours of practice but they always are.

Lin would always notice Forth being more lively and talkative whenever this trio is around. Especially when this soft skinned, petite bodied long lashed guy who lived on the same building and on the same floor as hers was around. She brushed off suspicions of Forth liking Beam since both guys looked straight. They were just friends, she thought.

Time came when she got contented of just admiring Forth from afar since she was sure Forth wasn't to be the one who took relationships seriously. The next hazers were also famous for having a different girlfriend every week. The basic tell me who your friends are and i'll tell you who you are, belief seemed to work on her. She got okay with greeting him whenever they would cross paths. It was enough for her.

Then one night he saw Forth at the lobby of her dorm building. It was past midnight and she wondered why he was there at such an unholy hour. She was sure Forth didn't live there. Then he asked where Beam's room was.

She had the idea that maybe Forth and Beam were dating at that time but then again if they were, Forth wouldn't ask her where Beam lived.

She saw the way Forth held a drunk Beam to get him upstairs. And the way Forth looked at Beam.

Lin really liked Forth.

Maybe he wasn't the same as his friends?  She wished Beam was her. She wanted it to be her.

"Lin!" Calls a girl who lived in the same building as hers. She was having a snack at a food stall just nearby her dorm building.

"What is it?" She asks looking up as the girl approached.

She was holding a phone that looked familiar.

"You know P'Forth right? I found his phone near the stairs yesterday, i was hoping to see him last night but it seemed he hasn't come back. Could you do me a favor of giving this back to him? You don't mind right?"

Feeling a lightbulb lit up her head, Lin smiled at her and took the phone.

"Of course. P'Forth and i are friends. I will give this back to him."

The girl smiled at her then left.

The phone wasn't dead. The home screen displayed Beam's face and her smile was rubbed off her face. Her day got more ruined when the phones owner info says 'Forth'sBeam'. She wanted to change it to her face but unfortunately for her, the phone was secured with a password.

After several minutes of staring at the phone wondering of how she would crack the password, it rang.

Beam was calling.

Lin was taught not to give up so easily. So she won't. She swiped and then answered.

*

He opens his eyes and sees this familiar ceiling. It has been a long time since he had slept in this room.

He shut his eyes again and breathed hard realizing that he is not in the room he wants to be in. Not waking up next to the person he likes to see when he opens his eyes every morning.

Lam must have brought him to this room since he had no memory of how he ended up here.

He don't miss this room.

He misses Beam's room. And he miss Beam more than anything else.

He searched for his phone to call Beam. If Beam wouldn't answer, he would call Pha or Kit to check up on Beam for him.

"Shit." was the first word he muttered for the day. Realizing he lost his phone, there was no other way to check on Beam without him leaving his room.

He headed for the shower.

Forth knows Beam probably meant what he said when Beam told him to leave him alone but he was too hungover to care.

They have come a pretty long way in this journey and it ending like this is not what he wants.

Forth wants to see Beam. So he will.

*

[10:15am]

Beam had opened his eyes again. This time, he didn't need to look around to see if Forth was inside.

He then checked his phone for possible messages from Forth.

There was none.

Who was he kidding? Forth would never return. He had asked Forth to let him be and Forth always did what he asked.

Beam took out his phone again and decided to call Forth but then his thumb just hovered through his name on the screen.

He was letting his guard down because he missed him and wants him back. Why did this dumbass didn't return last night? This phonecall better be worth it.

"Uhm. He - hello?" He awkwardly greets as the call went answered. He was still pissed but he wanted to know where he is first.

"Hello, P'Beam?"

The fuck? Why is this girl answering his phone?

"Who is this?" He knew who it was but still wanted to hear for himself.

"It's Lin, P"

Beam rolls his eyes. He's had enough crying, really.

"Where is Forth?"

"Uhh.. He's not here P"

"Why do you have his phone?"

"Well...."

"Nevermind." Beam ended the call before she could say more. He is not really in the mood to be heartbroken than he already is. And he was sure Forth had a reasonable explanation why his phone is in the hands of Lin. He is not going to let this affect him even more.

He was wrong.

He was wrong about himself.

He convinced himself that he wouldn't let this day get any worse but guess what. Not five minutes later and he already hate the fact that he was affected about the phone call.

He hadn't move an inch since he woke up. He hated the fact that he was affected to hear her voice when he dialled Forth's number.

He covered his face using his hands almost wanting to crumple his face in frustration.

When he removed his hands, his vision almost blurry, then there was someone standing in front of him.

The person came into focus and it became clear.

Forth.

First the nightmares. Now he's starting to see things even when he is awake. Great.

*

Forth had found Beam sitting on the bed leaning his back on the bed rest with his knees folded up to his chest, quite like how he found him the very first time he went for a visit.

Their eyes met when Beam looked at him and they both held gaze.

"I'm not even asleep and yet i see things. Wow." Beam says dryly like seeing things that aren't really there was a common thing for him.

"I'm not your imagination Beam."

"That's what they all say." Beam says as he looked away.

Forth sighs and walked towards him and places a warm hand on his shoulder as he sat on the edge of the bed facing Beam.

Beam looked up and looked at Forth and for a moment there Beam thought he was dreaming. Big amount of tears were ready to roll down from his eyes and he just stared at Forth expecting him to fade like how his other imaginations would be.

"I'm sorry." Forth says with worry evident in his voice.

Beam jerks and hugs him as his tears came rushing down his cheeks. Forth fell backwards and now they are in a pretty awkward position where he was lying on his back and Beam's knees were on either side of his waist but that's not what matters right now.

What matters right now is that Beam is sobbing uncontrollably while hugging him and for the first time in a long while, he felt more heartbroken than all his heartbreaking moments combined.

"I'm sorry." Beam says in between sobs while burying his face on Forth's shoulder.

"I'm really sorry." He adds again. Forth doesn't move from his earlier position.

"I'm not mad Beam. Please stop crying. I'm really sorry too."

Beam lets go of his bear hug and still covered his face like he didn't want Forth to see him crying. This is the first time he had cried in front of anyone not including the time when he was drunk back at the beach trip, he wasn't sober back then.

He got up but remained seated on top of Forth was lying on his back.

Forth's head still throbbed from his headache and he would feel dizzy if sits up. He grabbed Beam who was still sobbing and made him lie down beside him as he wrapped his limbs on Beam.

He kissed Beam's forehead and tries to make him stop crying.

"I'm really, really sorry for leaving." His warm and gentle voice resonated in the quiet room and then he kisses Beam's forehead again.

The room went quiet and only the sound of the air conditioning and Beam's quiet sobs was filling the room.

"I *sniff* i thought i didn't like you back then." Beam says quietly enough for it to be whisper after his sobs has died down.

Forth opened his mouth to say something but closed it as soon as he realized that Beam was not finished talking.

"I tried not to like you.." He continues. "..because i know i shouldn't but you were always there. Everywhere i look i see you and i knew i was screwed.

I told myself i wouldn't..shouldn't fall inlove because...because..well can you see how fucked up i am? Stupid thoughts like...you aren't going to stay for long or i didn't deserve you because i don't deserve anyone and you, look at you! You deserve the best kind of people. And then I tried staying away from you but i couldn't... I couldn't breath.

And then there's Lin. Lin came and i thought you guys would look better for each other. She can give you the kind of life that i can't."

Beam raised his head to meet Forth's eyes and looked at him intently, his own eyes rimmed with tears.

"Why do you even stay with me? Why do trouble yourself by staying with me? I mean look at her!

And every time i push you away i just hope that you agree and never show yourself again and so i act stupidly around you sometimes hoping that maybe you'd get tired of me and leave so i can be the way i am like before and i hate you so much for making me feel like i deserve all the happiness in the world because what if i start to believe you and at the same time you decide to fuck everything and leave?"

Tears were starting to roll out his eyes again and his voice cracked but he continued to talk and Forth continued to listen.

"Every day was a constant battle between admitting to myself that i am so inlove with you and trying to refrain myself from saying i love you too. I wanted to push you away but every time i look at you all i ever want to do is kiss you senseless and for that i wanted to rip myself apart. I want the ground to open up and swallow me so I'd never have to face you again because god you are so perfect and i hate the fact that for once i ever thought of keeping you forever. I'm sorry. For being such a brat and a drama queen and I'm so sorry for being so shattered that i can't even say i love you too. But i do..

..i really do.

It's just..I'm afraid that one day or eventually..you will see me the way i see myself.

I'm sorry."

That was a lot to take in but he was glad Beam opened up to him.

It took a moment for him to take it all before he finally spoke.

"You were always there, you know.." Forth says as he was staring up at the ceiling, his right hand lazily toying Beam's hair.

"I liked hanging out with you guys even after the competition was over because you were..in a way..your presence was a big deal to me. I didn't know why nor have i given much thought of it, but maybe you were just so.."

Forth thought of the right word to use until he ended up with the perfect one to describe him.

"..bright. You shined. Even in a sea of a thousand people you are the first person i see.

I saw you instantly during the competition back in freshmen year whenever we would walk across the stage. Even when all those floodlights directed at us i still I see you beaming while you and Kit would cheer for Ai'Pha.

You're the first person i see whenever i came late on our drinking sessions even after the competition was over and even when the pub was packed with people.

I see you instantly even when you are surrounded by hundreds of other Med students inside the auditorium or even when you are a mile away from us in a crowd."

Forth's lips curled up forming a smile.

"It's weird now that i realize all of it. So weird. But I'm not complaining."

"That sounds weird but what does that mean?" Beam's small voice asked, sniffing.

He turned sideways to face Beam and bopped his nose with his forefinger.

"That means i liked you before i even knew."

Beam's grip on Forth's shirt had tightened. Forth was confessing all over again.

"So..the day i decided to be with you..it meant that i decided to stick with you no matter how hard it is, no matter how hard life makes it.

I chose to stand with you. So i stand with you. And i will keep choosing to be with you.....even when you don't want me to."

He lightly placed a soft kiss to Beam's lips who was fighting back tears.

"And about Lin. I realized you don't like her and i will try to not be involved with anything connected to her. I will never like her more than just for a junior. I'm sorry if i made you feel that way, even if i did unknowingly. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. There's nothing to be sorry about." Beam's small voice says from the warm crook of his neck. "I was never mad at you. I was mad at myself."

"Don't ever think that i will leave you just because i found your imperfections. I don't know a single person who claims to be perfect in every single aspect of life but there are a whole lot of flawed people out there and still, they are worth loving. Stop punishing yourself. Nothing is wrong with you."

Beam sniffs again. A tear ran down his temple and landed on Forth's collarbone.

"And Beam?.."

"Hmm?" *sniffs*

"You were worth it. You are always worth it."

Beam's heart pounds hardly in his chest after hearing Forth's confession.

How beautiful is it that someone can make your heart beat so fast when you almost didn't want it to beat at all?

And besides, Forth had never asked himself if being with Beam was worth all the trouble, because yes, it was obviously worth it. He was worth it. Because he wasn't easy. Because being with him wasn't a decision Forth had made in the dark even if the dark was where he saw who Beam really was.

And even if anyone asked, his answer will always be yes.

***************

A/N: There you go. Sorry for the really late update.

I find the flow of conversations lacking. Sorry for that. I might try to extend the conversation in the next chapter because they have so much to talk about.

I had to update today so you guys would know that I'm still alive. ✌

Thank you for reading. 😊Keep the votes and comments flowing.See you on the next chapter.