~Chapter 1 - Christian~

Disclaimer: My cousin Izzy wrote No More Love in 2007. I thought it would fit perfectly in part of the show to show what Christian is going through.  

Check the song out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sofv9QJpZ4

The dream that Christian has actually came a gif on Twitter that I saw.

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It has been four years since their deaths. Four years since Hyde was sentenced and sent away to prison. Four years without my family. Four years of hell! Time I should have had with them. I will never see them again.

My parents tell me, I'll see them again in heaven, but I don't believe in that shit. There is no haven or a God; they would be here with me now if he were real. I know where Ana and Ted are, they are gone, buried deep in the ground to rot and wither away to nothing.

I will never forget them. Everything was a constant reminder of the past and the present. Even in my sleep I see them, dream of a life that we will never have. I always wake up in a cold sweat. I find myself at the piano playing those melancholy songs as I long for them.

When Ana fell into my office so long ago, it was instant for me, I fell in love with her but it just took me so long to feel it. I'd shut myself off from those feelings for so long, I didn't even realize what love was. It was Ana who taught me to let those feelings in. Even on that first day, she looked right into my soul, and pegged me for who I was. It unnerved me. I'd done a pretty damn good job of shutting those out from knowing who I was.

Elena always made me feel love wasn't worth it. "Love was for fools," she'd say all the time. I believed it, took it to my black heart. Slowly Ana's love for me broke down my walls, but I was still so fucking scared to let her in. I thought if she knew the real me, she'd run for the hills. She even took a beating from me to really understand me and my needs. That was the worst fucking day of my life. Worst fucking week of my life.

Days were long and the nights were even longer. I couldn't sleep nor could I eat. It was like living in hell. But this hell that I'm living in now was fucking torture knowing they were gone. I pushed everyone away. I barely went into work. If it wasn't for Ros, I'd have lost the whole fucking business. Everything. But I have nothing without them.

It was the anniversary today. I could not even handle going into work. I had to leave early. Everything lately seemed to remind me of them. It hurt to damn much to think about them. I just wanted to drawn my sorrows.

I always ended up this seedy bar. It was a dark, dank place – A perfect place for a dark soul like me. I didn't care if anyone found me. I just didn't care anymore period.

Sliding up to the stood, the bartender slid a tumbler my way, already filled with bourbon. He knows what I like.

There was music playing on the radio. I was just about to tell the bartender to turn it off, but there was something about the slow, soft melody that really hit home. What it did was cut me deep. The singer knew what it was like to lose someone.

Closing my eyes, I listened to the music, letting myself miss Ana.

"But something had changed that now. If only I could give it to you."

I wanted to give you the world Ana, now that was gone. The tears had slid down my face and I quickly wiped them with the back of my hand.

"Something had taken you down in all the time to lose you now."

Right after we found out we were pregnant, Hyde took what would have been a joyous occasion and ripped it apart.

"No more love. No more holding. No more looks across the room. No whispers of tender wanting. All the things I'll have to miss. How do I prepare for this?"

The memories of Ana and I flashed before my eyes. All that love, no more holding, the looks, our bantering, playfulness, it was things that I would be missing forever. Like the man says, how do you prepare for death? The short answer, you can't. It stayed with you.

The pain of her loss was gnawing at me, bubbling up at the surface. I had to go...

"I knew I'd find you here!"

If now was ever the right time, I think taking a breath, but I never bothered to look at who it was who had interrupted me. I just knew. I really didn't want to see her but she kept worming her way back in slowly since their deaths. And each time, I kept falling for her shit. It also gave me a chance to block out the rest of that song.

Roughly I untied the knot in my tie, the tie that was always my favorite after meeting Ana. The memory of the first time I used it to tie Ana up surfaced, but I stuffed the tie into my pocket, pushed the memory away.

"Christian, you can't drown out your sorrows this way. It serves no purpose!"

Ignoring her, I reached for the glass and down the amber liquid. It burned all the way down, warming my stomach. I didn't care. I motioned for the bartender for another. I watched as he filled the glass up.

"Wanna bet?" I drowned the glass again.

The bartender filled it up once again.

"I know what will make you feel better to take the edge off and make you forget..."

"What makes you think I want to forget?" I brought the glass up to my lips and down the liquid.

Truthfully, I wanted to remember, I just didn't want the god damn pain to go along with it.

"Let me help you get set up with another sub."

I could tell Elena really wanted this to happen. I just wasn't so sure if she wanted me for herself.

"Elena," I whirled around to face her finally. She was wearing her customary black. Her blonde hair perfectly styled and quite beautiful and knew it too. She used it and used it often to get what she wanted. "When will you get it through your head I. Don't. Want. That. Life. Again. Ever!"

"Ana would want you to be happy."

That was a low blow, Elena, and you know it. Of course Ana would want me to be happy and find love again, but she would not want me to go back into that lifestyle and close myself off to everyone, to the world, and be the man that I was when we met. That was no life for anyone.

As fucking tempting as that would be, I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't dishonor her like that. Hell, I could not do that to myself. But if I do it, I wouldn't feel. The pain would go away. I would still remember...Shut fuck up Grey! What the hell are you thinking?

"You know you're tempted. I can see you're thinking about it." Elena moved closer to me. "I could help you." She ran her hand along my arm luring, enticing me to get back in.

How does Elena know me so well, still, after all this time? Her being this close to me does not have the desired affect on either of us. I pull away from her easily.

"No!"

What I was starting to feel was the affects of the bourbon, but I didn't give a flying fuck. All that pain was starting to surface, ready to explode. As much as I disliked Elena at the moment, I sure as hell did not want to explode on her. Even she didn't deserve that. 

With the tilt of my head, I motioned the bartender over to me.

"Another."

I didn't care if I was starting to feel a little buzzed, but I knew it wouldn't be long till he would cut me off or Taylor would come in and announce we have to go. By then, I just wouldn't care. The pain would stop. The memories would be gone. The dreams would be kept a bay.

When was the last time I slept? I think it was a couple of nights ago. Days tend to blur anymore. It was the first time we'd kissed. It seemed like it was yesterday. I promised her I would not touch her, but I was fucking itching to. My control had been hanging by a thread. Seeing her biting her lip like that was my total undoing. She totally disarmed me that day.

The dream was so real. I could feel ever inch her against my body. Her lips on my lips. My hands holding hers above our head in a vice grip. Our breathing...I heard the ding of the elevator and I stepped back. I knew she was smiling. I was bewildered. I stood there trying to collect my senses.

In my dream, I glanced over at her, and she just disappeared as if she'd never existed at all. I sat up with a start. I couldn't catch my breath. I was so rattled. I looked around our bedroom hoping that she was still there, but she was not. She was gone forever. I was overcome by tears. I missed her...I missed them so much.

Oh Ana, why did you have to leave me? I felt like the tears were going to overtake again. I took a deep breath and pushed them away. I was not going to allow myself to be even more vulnerable next to a vulture like Elena.

"Here!" Elena shoved a gray file folder at me. "Here, take it."

Elena was pissed at me. Good. I could fucking careless.

"Look it over!"

Look what over? I gaped at the file that she had in her hand. Where did it come from? I sure as hell didn't see her carry it in.

"Just take it and look it over." Elena urged me once again.

I did not want any part of it. Or did I? If I became dominate Christian, I could make the pain go away.

"We can get together over dinner after you've had a few days to mull it over."

No! I'm not interested. What was to mull over.

"I said no, Elena. I'm not interested." I shoved the file back at her.

Elena pushed the file back at me. "Think it over, call me, text me, whatever. I'll come over, and we can discuss it further." She turned and walked out, her black heels clicking on the floor.

The file burned in my hand as I glared at it. Maybe it would burst into flames. Nah, I wouldn't be so lucky.

I was not going to look. I couldn't look. I wouldn't look. Ana wouldn't want me too, but the more I stared at the file, the more I had become curious. What if I could do this again? Flynn would have a field day if he knew that I was back in the game.

Damn Elena for being right. I was very curious. My erection springing to life to remind me just how interested I really was. One peek wouldn't hurt, would it?

I set the file down in front of me, still glaring at it. If I was going to look through it, I needed another drink. I stared at the tumbler for a moment or two, and picked it up, downing the bourbon. It no longer burned on the way down but it warmed me from within.

Setting the empty tumbler back down on the bar, I flipped open the file with my shaky hands, looking at the first glossy shot that stared back at me.

The girl was pretty. She was the usual that I was interested in, brown haired and brown eyed. Perky breasts.  Slim, but to slim. Porcelain skin. Her eyes were wide set apart, though she had a perfectly shaped nose. Perfectly shaped eyebrows. Mouth was to thin. She was just not my Ana.

I flipped to the next girl. Still the same. I looked at another and another, all the same. They were not Ana. I didn't want to be interested in any of them, but truthfully I had been. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head; the scenes were just coming to me as if I hadn't been gone. It had been WAY to fucking long and I had to take the edge off some how. Kicking the shit out of Clyde just wasn't doing it for me any longer.

I flipped the picture over for her bio and quickly read it over. Her name was Elizabeth Simmons, 25, lived alone, no family. Everything about her had peeked my interest. If I was going to pick a sub, Elizabeth was the one that I wanted. 

Deep down, I know I shouldn't go back, but it was suddenly overpowering me, pushing back the hurt I felt about losing my Ana, my son, all that could have been. All that should have been.

Standing up, I reached into my front pocket, grabbing some money, and tossing it on the bar. I had made my decision. I was going to do it. I was going to have a sub.

I steeled myself. Cold, hard, and in control, that was me.