Chapter Thirteen: Only Human

"You are gonna love this, girls!" the Doctor declared happily, bounding into the console room.

As she and Rose followed him in, Alex smiled fondly at him. "Tell me more."

"Kegron Pluva!" he exclaimed, obviously expecting something a little more enthusiastic than the sisters' raised eyebrows.

"Right," Rose said, nodding. "That a person, or a place?"

"Or some sort of oven cleaner?" Alex teased.

"Planet," he corrected, unperturbed. "It's got the maddest ecosystem in the universe. You've got six moons going one way, three moons going the other way, and a sun that only orbits the planet! Forty-three seasons in one year. The top life-form, it's a kind of dog-plant-fungus thing.

Rose laughed. "Top dog-plant-fungus?"

"Yeah!" the Doctor agreed. "Plus, the water's solid, and everyone eats a kind of metal plum—"

"Alright, enough spoilers," Alex told him, putting her hand on the dematerialisation lever. "Let's go and see it." He put his hand over hers, and they shared a smile.

"I'm really gonna regret pointing this out," Captain Jack Harkness said as he came in from one of the corridors, "but does that mean what I think it means?" He pointed to a small black box with a flashing red light. He fiddled with some of the controls experimentally, but the Doctor slapped his hand away playfully.

"Oi!" he reprimanded, glancing back at the man. "You're still here, then? I've gotta remember, put the parental controls on."

Alex raised an eyebrow at Jack's outfit: an old-fashioned Merchant Navy uniform, all blue and white. "Hello sailor!" She wolf-whistled.

Jack rolled his eyes. "I wondered which one of you was gonna say that first."

"Could those trousers be any tighter?" Rose asked, smirking.

"Is that a request?" Jack retorted flirtily.

"Isn't that a temporal distortion alert?" Alex intervened, in an attempt to direct the conversation away from Jack's trousers—an occurrence that happened far too frequently.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows, impressed. "Yeah. You've been doing your homework."

She beamed. "I try."

"I've linked the relay to the screen so we can trace the distortion to its point of origin," he explained, showing them the monitor, which was now covering in circular Gallifreyan text. "Should be able to narrow it down in a bit."

"Temporal distortion is a bad thing, then?" Rose guessed, sighing. "I don't suppose it's coming from Kegron Pluva?"

The Doctor pressed the enter key, and snorted at the results. "No such luck. Nobody on Kegron Pluva would be as stupid as..." He trailed off, glancing back at the girls guiltily.

Alex rolled her eyes, recognising that look. "Oh, right, so it's coming from Earth. Interesting year?"

"Let's have a look." He started tapping away again, and space-time coordinates appeared onscreen. "Yeah, pretty interesting."

Jack frowned. "Interesting, 'cause why the hell is someone using a dirty rip engine to travel to your time?"

"Rip engines?" Alex echoed. "Gross."

The Doctor, meanwhile, had been trying to narrow down the location. "To visit Bromley," he said, piloting them there.

"Ah, well." Rose shrugged. "Kegron Pluva, Bromley... Probably both about as weird." As the TARDIS landed, she and Alex went out first.

They had landed in the far corner of some well-kept public gardens, squeezed in between a notice board and a dustbin. An old man sat on a bench nearby feeding the pigeons, but neither seemed to have noticed the TARDIS' landing.

"Okay, then," Rose said as the boys followed them out. "Give me the technical stuff. Dirty rip engine?"

"Really nasty way to time travel," Alex told her. "Even worse than his." She nudged Jack.

"Hey!" he complained.

"Rip engines, they just punch a big hole in time," the Doctor explained. "It gets messy." He looked around, recognising the place. "I've been here before. Used to be a brass band over there, ever Sunday, without fail. Everybody came down after church for a stroll. Lots of copping off, in an Edwardian way." He nudged Alex. "You know, even holding hands!"

Alex raised her eyebrows, grinning. "And whose hand were you holding?"

He put on an innocent expression. "No one's."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Surprise."

"I can't remember the exact details of what happened that day," the Doctor frowned, eyeing the place where the brass band had once been. "I think nearly everyone survived."

"And we care about this engine because...?" Rose trailed, trying to bring them back to the point.

"They blow up," Jack explained. "That's usually when people say, 'Oh, so rip engines are a really primitive, nasty way to time travel, let's stop using them.'"

"If they get the time before disintegrating," Alex added with a smile.

"We've gotta find whoever's come here and stop them using it again to go back," the Doctor said, leading them towards the bustling noise of what could only be a high street. "Or it could be 'Goodbye, Bromley', 'Adios, Beckenham', 'Sayonara Swanley', 'Thank you and goodnight, Orpington'."

"So it isn't the whole universe in danger this time, just the whole of north Kent?" Rose realised. The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her, and she held her hands up. "Okay, okay, I care."

***

Jack looked around the high street curiously before turning back to Alex. "So... this is the home turf?"

She made a face. "Not really, but near enough." A group of people her own age went past, and she blinked, reminded of how different her life was now.

"And some of them are as pretty as you," he flirted, winking at the group.

The Doctor coughed meaningfully. "Can we focus?"

"Fine," Jack sighed, rolling up his sleeve to reveal his vortex manipulator. "I'm picking up traces of local distortion. No definite fix, but it happened very recently and very close."

The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver. "We can use this to narrow the trace down."

"Wouldn't somebody have noticed?" Rose frowned, eyeing the crowds.

"We're time travellers and nobody's noticed us," the Doctor pointed out.

Alex bit her lip, blushing as she caught a wink off a young woman on the other side of the street. "Speak for yourself."

"Can I have some focus?" he asked, rolling his eyes. "Even the two of you put together can't flirt simultaneously with the population of an entire town." Alex laughed as Jack got a look on his face that said, quite clearly, 'Challenge accepted'. Next to them, the Doctor buzzed the sonic at his vortex manipulator. "I'll just fine-tune the locator matric of this thing. Getting a bit of interference. A lot of people round here have got Sky+."

"This rip engine going off," Rose frowned. "Someone must have seen something."

"Doubt it," the Doctor told her. "This is your species we're talking about. You didn't notice your planet was spherical for about four million years and when people did, you stuck 'em on a bonfire."

Rose ignored him, her attention caught by the shop opposite. "Are you lot gonna be here for a bit fiddling with that?"

"Yeah," he replied absently, focusing on his scans.

"Right, back in half an hour." Rose crossed the road, heading into the nail salon. It was time to find out a bit of local gossip.

***

True to her word, she returned about 30 minutes later, to find Alex grumpily handing over a twenty pound note to Jack, who was looking smug.

"I can't believe you got that guy and his wife's numbers," Alex was saying, shaking her head.

"Still got it," Jack grinned.

The Doctor looked up as Rose joined them. "There's a trace about six or seven miles north," he told her. "Must be the rip engine operator. But that's a pretty wide spread, so it's gonna be tough finding this guy."

"There's a caveman in Southam Hospital," Rose told them, enjoying their dumbstruck expressions. "A real caveman by the sounds of it." She smiled, showing them her new pearly pink nails. "I asked over in the nail bar."

"Why didn't I think of that?" the Doctor asked himself, rolling his eyes.

"Too busy enjoying the view?" Alex suggested, raking a hand through her curls playfully. The Doctor poked his tongue out at her, and she returned the favour.

"Back to the TARDIS then," Jack said, covering his vortex manipulator with his sleeve once again.

"Hang on," the Doctor said, frowning. "Caveman?"

Rose rolled her eyes.

***

"With any luck, they'll not have noticed anything weird yet," the Doctor was saying as he piloted the TARDIS to the hospital. "But we've still gotta move on this rescue pretty quick, in case there's anything to notice and in case they notice it."

"Then find out what a caveman is doing with a rip engine," Jack added. "Those things were big in the forty-sixth century. No cavemen then."

"Yeah," the Doctor agreed. "I've got a list of questions for him as long as your arm."

Behind him, Rose walked into the console room wearing a nurse's outfit. She walked right up to Jack, daring him to start with the innuendos.

"I'm not saying anything," he said, adopting an innocent expression. "Look at me not saying anything."

Alex wolf-whistled, grinning. "I am." Rose made as if to go for her and she laughed, ducking behind the Doctor to shield herself.

"If he is some sort of caveman, a savage or whatever, perhaps he hasn't brought the engine with him," Rose suggested. "Maybe he just got beamed back in time or something. In which case, no big danger."

The Doctor threw the dematerialisation lever. "He set on someone with his bare hands," he pointed out. "Sounds like he's terrified and alone. That's a good enough reason to help someone."

"Plus, we get to see you in that," Alex added cheekily, looking over his shoulder. Rose growled.

"But the hospital," the Doctor interrupted. "They'll just think he's drunk. All we need to do is get in, get him, and get out. Should be a doddle." He strolled confidently down the ramp and out of the doors...

... To see a huge group of army vans blocking the entrance to the hospital.

"Or," Rose said, "it could be really, really difficult."

"Why all this?" Jack frowned. "Sure, he's maybe covered in fleas, but he's just another human."

"Unless he isn't," Rose pointed out.

"Slight change of plan," the Doctor decided. "We're gonna need a distraction. Got anything?"

Alex raised her eyebrows, then stood on her toes to whisper something in Jack's ear. He grinned, nodding. "Oh, yeah," she told the others. "We've got a distraction. Never fails."

"One of the biggest distractions you'll ever see," Jack added. He'd decided to amend the plan a little, to boost the fun factor.

"Great," the Doctor smiled, confident in their chaotic abilities. He and Rose headed towards the entrance. "Give us five minutes, and then go."

Jack looked around, realising Alex had already disappeared from his side. If he knew her, she was already finding the nearest bagpipe player or something. He smiled fondly, seeing a blonde flash in the crowd. It was time to prepare his part.

***

Five minutes later, Alex's role was complete. She hadn't been able to find a bagpipe player as planned, so she'd decided to go big or go home. So she'd stolen some fireworks from the TARDIS and had set them off in the street. It wasn't her proudest moment, but she'd picked the safe ones, the ones that couldn't actually hurt anyone. Besides, she'd been left unsupervised with the specific instructions to cause a distraction. And, she thought to herself as she watched the soldiers panic, she'd very much done that.

But it was also clear to her that if anyone saw her, they might recognise her and be understandably quite upset about it all. Really, the best thing to do would be to get back to the TARDIS unseen, so she ducked into the alley behind the nail bar. Right into someone.

"Oh, sorry," she said, before freezing. Because there, right in front of her, like a ghost from the past, was Jimmy Stone. The blood drained out of her face, and she flinched as he raised his hand, grabbing her wrist with a vice-like grip. And then he was dragging her back, deeper into the alleyway, where none of the cameras would touch them. Where no one would come to save her.

***

Captain Jack Harkness was in his element. No matter where he was, on any planet, in any time, there were few things he enjoyed more than seeing the looks on strangers' faces as he sprinted past them, buck-naked. He'd just finished his rounds of the hospital, seeing Rose and the Doctor escaping with the caveman on a trolley, when he heard a familiar voice. He crept into the alley to investigate.

"Don't you dare," Alex snarled, glaring up at the man holding her. "Don't you dare, you bastard."

"You can't run from me, Alexandria," he sneered, twisting her wrist. She whimpered a little, and he smirked. "You're too weak. You're pathetic."

She growled, her whole body shaking, though in fear or rage Jack couldn't tell. He was just about to intervene when she spoke up. "I have survived worse things than you, you disgusting fucking slug. I'm not a little girl anymore. And I'm not afraid of you."

He chuckled patronisingly. "Oh yeah? Come on then, little girl. Prove it."

"Okay." She kneed him in the balls. As he cried out, doubling up, she drove both elbows down into his back, slamming him to the ground. He tried to struggle to his feet, but she stood on his shoulder, holding him down. "That's what I thought. Now piss off." She released him, and he scrambled to his feet, hobbling away. She watched him go, her hands trembling.

Jack raised his eyebrows, stepping out of the shadows. "That was quite something. Remind me not to piss you off."

She swallowed, staggering back a few steps as the shock hit her. "He was going to do it again..."

"Hey, are you okay?" Jack checked, walking closer.

"Yeah..." She shook herself, shaking her head. "Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm okay." She took a deep breath, turning as she spoke. "We should get back to the—Why are you naked?!"

Jack grinned. "Distraction?" Together, they ran back to the TARDIS, closing the doors behind them. He met Rose's eyes. "Distracting enough?"

She rolled her eyes. "Please just put some clothes on!" He disappeared down one of the corridors.

***

A little while later, Rose was helping the caveman into a chair while the Doctor and Alex watched the chaos outside on the monitor.

Alex smiled, pointing to one woman who looked distinctly traumatised. "I think she must have met Jack somewhere along the line."

The Doctor snorted, but his eyes were on the angry red mark around her wrist. "Did you hurt yourself out there?" he asked, reaching for it, but she flinched back.

"It's nothing," she lied. He raised an eyebrow at her, holding a hand out patiently. After a moment, she put her hand in his, biting her lip. "I, er... I saw Jimmy Stone. In a dark alley."

His eyes widened. "Are you okay?" His fingers gently brushed over the skin at her wrist, checking for a sprain or a fracture.

She huffed a laugh, trying not to alarm Rose, who was glancing over at them curiously. "Put it this way, I think I might have prevented any children he was planning on having."

"That's my girl," the Doctor said softly, smiling fondly. "It's not even sprained. Should be alright in a bit. But what about you?"

"I'm fine," she assured him.

"Sure?"

She smiled, bringing their joined hands up so she could kiss his knuckle. "Sure."

Rose coughed behind them, making them spring apart and adopt suspiciously innocent expressions. "So, uh, shall I make him a cup of tea or something?"

The Doctor scoffed, distracting her from what they had been doing. "We don't wanna frighten him any more. You never stew the bag. Whip it in, whip it out, that's you." They walked over to the caveman, eyeing his bleary expression. "He's been sedated, but that'll wear off."

"He looks terrified," Alex realised, her brow furrowing.

"Culture shock," the Doctor told her, meeting her eyes briefly. "Stranded in a world where nothing makes sense. We've gotta get him back home as soon as possible."

"Now he's in the TARDIS, can he understand us?" Rose asked quietly. "Can he talk?"

"Of course I can talk," the caveman replied indignantly with a high and reedy voice.

Rose blinked. "Sorry. I'm Rose. What are you called?"

"Das," he answered. "This is the future, isn't it? A time to come."

"Yeah," Alex confirmed.

"How did he work that out?" Rose asked, again not quietly enough.

"You think I'm stupid," Das said, but there was no infliction in his tone. "Your lot always think we're stupid. This must be the future. And it's full of your people. So where are my people?"

The three of them shared an uncomfortable glance. The Doctor smiled reassuringly at Das. "You're going home, pal. That's all that matters."

Alex raised her eyebrows as Jack entered again, wearing tight-fitting plastic trousers with a white tee. "Are you really working your way through the Village People?"

"Ha ha," Jack rolled his eyes.

"Is that plastic?" Rose frowned. "That cannot be healthy."

He smirked. "I can take it all off again, if you like." She blushed, shooting him a look. He pressed a button on his vortex manipulator, producing a holographic image of the globe. "I've reverse-traced the distortion from the rip engine. We should end up right back where he started from."

"Which is when?" Rose asked.

"Just when you think," Jack replied. "He left Bromley on Wednesday 24th May in the year 29,185 BC. And shouldn't we be asking him how?"

Das took the hint. "I was following Reddy, one of your people. He kept coming to the forest, bringing strange made-things. Like that, kind of." He pointed to Jack's vortex manipulator. "Ka said he was from the future. He went to a strange tree. He opened it and I followed him inside to a strange cave, full of made-things. Then suddenly I was in this world."

Alex sighed. "Time travellers with a dirty rip engine at one of the most delicate points of human history."

"That's insane," Jack agreed.

Rose nudged him. "So, you mucking about in time is okay, but anyone else is irresponsible and mental?"

"I knew what I was doing," he said defensively, raising his eyebrows.

"You almost destroyed the human race by accident last month," Alex reminded him, teasing.

His eyes widened. "I didn't know!"

Rose smiled, leaving them to their banter. She wandered over to the Doctor, who was inputting the coordinates for their return to Das' time. "Chatty, isn't he?" she remarked, eyeing the caveman, who was watching Jack and Alex curiously. "He's coping pretty well."

"You and Alex coped pretty well in the year five billion," the Doctor pointed out. "Much bigger gap. And he's practically one of the family."

"I want to go back," Das announced loudly. "But I must know about the future."

"We can't answer your questions," Jack told him apologetically. "You're going back home. Just try and forget today. It was just a bad dream."

Das' eyes widened. "We're going back to the forest? You can do that?"

Alex grinned. "Easy as pie. Promise."

"Should be about ten minutes," the Doctor assured him, releasing the handbrake.

The TARDIS began to dematerialise, and Jack grabbed Das, sitting him back in the jump seat as the ship tilted and rocked. As the ride got more turbulent, they all held on, wincing. Alex met Jack's eyes with a grin, but her face fell when she saw Das starting to dissolve over his shoulder. "Oi!"

The other three whipped around, their eyes widening. The Doctor flattened himself against the console, hurrying to work the controls as quickly as he could. "No, reverse, reverse!" The TARDIS gave an almighty shudder, bucking and twisting in flight. Trying to keep a handhold was utter chaos. Eventually, after much work from the Doctor, the TARDIS landed, sending everyone to the grating.

"Ugh," Jack groaned; he had been lucky enough to be elbowed in the ribs by Alex as she fell.

"Sorry," she mumbled, rolling off him. "You okay?"

"Fine, yeah," he assured her, getting to his feet.

"I am so sorry," the Doctor was murmuring, stroking the console soothingly.

Rose nudged him playfully. "Don't I get a bit of attention?"

He grinned, stroking her arm. "You're gonna be alright."

She cringed. "Oh, no, okay. Save it for the motor."

"What happened there?" Alex asked, distracting them. Das was on the floor, unconscious, but safe.

"It's the time distortion," the Doctor explained. His expression was grave. "I used the fast return. We're back in Bromley, the library gardens."

Jack picked the caveman up, lowering him back into the chair. "The rip engine must have polluted every cell in his body. He can't time travel again, poor guy, or the vortex pressures will just tear him apart."

"What, he can't go home?" Rose asked, eyes wide. Nobody answered. "There's gotta be a way around it. Bring out some of your gadgets. Can't the sonic screwdriver do something?"

The Doctor bit his lip, not meeting her eyes. "No gadgets for this. His cellular structure's been flipped like any time traveller's, like yours or mine, but without the protection we get from the TARDIS—or anything like it."

"If we try to move him, he'll disintegrate," Alex translated, looking horrified.

"So?" Rose said, grasping at straws. "We don't need to travel in time. Let's just take him to another planet."

"Any journey in the TARDIS causes time ripples. I can't," the Doctor explained. "And just out of interest, which planet would you suggest?!"

Alex sighed, closing her eyes. "What have I promised?"

The Doctor swallowed, then headed for one of the storage lockers in the walls. "We've gotta go back, find out how he got here. It doesn't change that."

"Hang on," Rose blinked. "He's gonna have to stay here, live here? What are you going to say to him?"

"Well..." The Doctor hesitated. "I'm gonna have a lot to sort out."

She rolled her eyes. "So it's me that's gotta tell him."

"You're a closer relation," he pointed out.

"Half an hour ago, you said he was frightened and alone," she exclaimed. "Now you expect him to live in twenty-first century Bromley like it was nothing."

"Well it's only slightly less primitive," he quipped.

Rose groaned. "Thanks for the joke. Guess what? It's solved everything." She wandered back to the others, sighing.

"It isn't his fault," Jack reminded her.

"I know, but..." She shook her head. "How can he live here? He's gonna stick out just a bit. Unless he joins Oasis." She eyed his thick, bushy eyebrows.

"We've got no choice," Alex said, biting her lip.

"Whoever sent him here, Rose, it's their fault," the Doctor explained, brandishing what looked a lot like a credit card. "We've gotta get back and stop 'em doing it again, or doing something worse. They could do so much damage." He nodded. "Right, you lot, wait here." He breezed out of the TARDIS before anyone could object.

"I need a drink," Alex decided, heading for the kitchens.

Before anyone could follow, they heard a groan: Das waking up. "Rose?" he asked, his eyes landing on her first.

She hesitated, wondering how to tell him his old life was gone forever. "Listen, there's a problem. A big problem."

***

By the time Alex returned, Rose and Jack were outside with Das, trying to explain some of the twenty-first century.

"And those aren't birds," Das was saying, pointing to an aeroplane. "A flying made-thing?"

Rose nodded. "Planes."

Jack eyed him very seriously. "The planes are machines. For people to fly in. They are not beasts. They were made by people."

"Yes, I know," Das said, blinking. He glanced at Rose. "Is there something wrong with him?"

"Nah, he's just a bit slow," Alex teased.

"Hey!" he protested.

"He gets it," she told him, rolling her eyes. "I've been to the future and I can work things out, so why can't he?"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You're from a level two technology. You already have a start. You've got concepts of science."

"And eyes," Rose said pointedly.

"As does she," Alex added, winking back at a pretty young brunette.

Das nodded. "I am getting most of it, yes. But where is the quarry?"

"Sorry?" Rose blinked.

"Your food," Das clarified. "Where are the animals?" A dog sniffed around Jack's ankles, and he raised his eyebrows. "Oh, you eat dogs. That can't be very filling."

"We don't need to hunt," Rose told him. "We get our food from the shops."

"The shops?" he echoed.

She nodded. "We pay for food in the shops."

"Pay?"

"With money."

"Money?"

Jack smirked. "Warned you. You've got some big time educating to do."

The Doctor appeared round the corner. "Right, I've sorted a few things out." He clapped Das on the shoulder. "How are you?"

"I've got most of it," Das reported. "I'm not clear about food, shops, and money."

"Jack'll explain," Alex brushed it off, before glancing at the Doctor. "We can't just leave him. He might pass for a human looks-wise, but what's he gonna do when he meets a self-scanning checkout?"

"Who said anything about leaving him?" the Doctor asked, hiding a smirk. "He needs a helping hand to get settled."

Jack winced. "That's gonna take some time."

"Yeah, it could," the Doctor agreed. "So you'd better get started right away."

"Me?!"

"All in there." The Doctor handed him a large envelope. "Keys to your flat. There's the address, it's just over thataway. It's a bit poky and the furniture's disgusting, and the curtains in the front room are falling to bits, and I'd descale the showerhead right now if I were you. But it'll do. Ever such a nice estate agent. You'll fancy her, and she's very easily pleased. Oh, and you'd better have this." He handed Jack the credit card from earlier. "You've got half a million sterling on there. Your pin number is 1. Don't spend it all at once."

Jack gazed at the card in awe. "This is a psychic credit card. They were banned after the infinite recession on Baydafarn. I've been trying to get hold of one of these for years..."

"And now you've got one," the Doctor smiled. "Back in a month! Four weeks exactly."

"Actually, Doctor, I think I'll stay with Jack and Das," Rose said. "I know this era, and besides, someone has to stop Jack from being a bad influence."

"Alright," the Doctor agreed. "We just need to find out and stop whatever it is that's going on. Have fun!"

"Love you," the girls said simultaneously, hugging each other. As Alex followed the Doctor into the TARDIS, Rose winked at her.

The three time travellers stood back and watched as the TARDIS dematerialised, sending a draught across the gardens. "Right then," Rose said, clapping the boys on the back. "Let's go learn about shops."

~~~