Ambassador to Madness

Credit goes to SunnyRose

Chapter 4: Reluctant Planning and Unexpected Guests

Summary:

The wedding moves forward whether Bilbo wants it to or not, and his curiosity is peaked when Thorin's brother-in-law Vili makes an unexpected appearance.

Bilbo held his head in his hands keeping his eyes closed against Thorin's relentless pacing and muttered indecipherable curses. That did not go as planned at all, and he didn't know whether Thror was suspicious or that eager to get Thorin out of his way. Either did not bode well for his bachelor status. The door sounded like grinding stones as it opened, jerking both occupants' attention at once.

"Well?" Thorin demanded after Balin just managed to get the door closed again.

The older dwarf shook his head sadly. "Thror still has too much sway in the council. And after the 'marketplace incident' was brought up, the vote was unanimous in favor of the wedding."

Thorin roared his disapproval as his fists clenched, looking for something to do battle with. Bilbo frowned, feeling relatively off-balance.

"So, what does that mean exactly?"

"It means, Mr. Baggins, that you and our prince will be married by the equinox." Balin explained bluntly.

This should be the point where Bilbo started ranting and raving himself, before packing up his things and leaving. However, instead a feeling of numbness overtook him. He knew from the start he should have said no. He let himself be bullied into this position under the guise of notoriously long dwarven engagements, and he was trapped now! Trapped by a piece of parchment with his flourished signature.

"Where's that blasted wizard?!" Thorin growled. "This was all Tharkun's plan to begin with! Why isn't he here to deal with the consequences?"

Balin shrugged. "I have the guards, Theka and Furik, out looking for him, but who knows."

It was as Thorin threw his head back looking all the more like a faunt in a tantrum that Bilbo began to chuckle which slowly began to grow in hysterics and volume until the hobbit had nearly rolled himself off the settee. Balin's eyes were wide with concern while Thorin's were narrowed in aggravation which only set Bilbo off further. He had to clutch his belly as tears began to track down his face.

"What is so funny?" Thorin finally snapped.

It took a few minutes for Bilbo to huff out his answer as he could barely get a syllable off before he started laughing again.

"You...are!" He finally gasped.

"I'm just..." Balin trailed off as he let the door close behind his retreat.

"What?!" Thorin fumed.

Oh, Bilbo had certainly pushed Thorin Oakenshield to a whole new level of anger as the dwarf's face seemed about ready to pop a vein. Honestly, he had long passed the point of sanity as his sore jaw and aching sides seemed to remind him, but the only other possible way to process his emotions would be to cry. So, he laughed instead.

"You're standing there acting all high and mighty, blaming Gandalf. As if you weren't also complicit in coercing me into this situation."

"We are about to be forced into marriage...and all you can do is laugh?" Thorin bit out, venom in every word.

"What else would you have me do, Your Highness? Did I not sign a contract?" Bilbo panted as he came down off his hysterics.

"Yes." Thorin agreed reluctantly.

"Is the king allowed to dictate your future as he just demonstrated?"

"...Yes."

"Then it doesn't seem like there's anything else for it." Bilbo shrugged.

"And you would marry me, just like that? Do you not have doubts?"

"I have plenty of doubts!" Bilbo was quick to refute. "I have dreams of the future, needs, wants, duties and responsibilities waiting for me back home...But I've promised I would help you if I can. For better or worse, we are in this together now. Unless you would rather break our engagement before it ever got started?"

Thorin frowned, before he turned away. His eyes were impossible to read as they set on the orange flames in the nearby grate.

"I thought we would have more time. Months, years. It's a test."

"Test?" Bilbo repeated.

"Dwarrows only marry once." Thorin mumbled before finally looking back over at Bilbo.

"So, you either get married once...to me or..."

"Or he knows I lied to him."

They let that hang in the air before Bilbo sighed.

"Well, I have to say, as far as in-laws go, I think I'm getting the worse end of the deal. Of course, the Baggins family has a few nuts as well. My dreaded cousin Otho married an even more vile creature than him a few years ago, and Lobelia is a true dragon! Not just bearing the sickness of one."

Bilbo's words had the intended effect of getting the dwarf to laugh in exasperation as he shook his head at him. However, his eyes were fond, and that was enough to have Bilbo smiling in return.

"I think my nephews would like you." Thorin hummed softly. "You're annoying like them."

Bilbo rolled his eyes. "On second thought, consider your nameplate on the opposite end of the table next to the Sackville-Baggins at any dinner party we play host to. I'm sure you'll all get along splendidly."

Thorin ducked his head shyly, but his eyes kept lifting to bore into Bilbo. As if he were the most interesting thing the prince had ever seen. Bilbo didn't know how to feel about that. Any more than he felt about this marriage business. Jokes aside, it was finally beginning to sink in that this was real. It wasn't theoretical anymore, and Bilbo could find his breaths shortening at the idea of being married...in Erebor...to a prince.

Luckily, before any true hyperventilating could take place, Balin returned with a large tome that he was rapidly flipping through.

"I had Ori bring me the laws on dwarven marriage because I just thought of a loophole! It's right...ah-ha!"

Bilbo and Thorin shared a look as they slowly began to crowd around the white-haired dwarf. Balin gave Thorin a once over and raised an eyebrow before turning around to look at Bilbo assessingly. The hobbit tried not to think about what that meant. Balin merely shook his head as he fingers skimmed through a bunch of symbols Bilbo had no hope in being able to decipher. That didn't seem to be the case for Thorin though as his eyes bounced from line to line. Bilbo figured this had to be the dwarves' secret language of khuzdul.

"Here!" Balin finally stopped about two-thirds of the way down. "Once the vows are repeated by both parties, they will exchange rings to unify their houses and completely entrust themself with the other."

"My grandfather may be mad, but he'll notice if we don't exchange rings." Thorin scoffed with his arms crossed.

"Aye, but he won't notice if both the bands are plain." Balin smirked.

Thorin's arms dropped to his side as a look of wonder overcame him. His eyes scanned the page as he mumbled under his breath. However, after a beat, he straightened with a wide grin.

"You sly goat." Thorin huffed. "This could actually work."

"Wait! Sorry, what could work? Are dwarven rings...usually embellished?" Bilbo interjected.

"In a way." Balin shrugged. "The rings bind the two dwarrows together in heart and hearth. Meaning, the inside is inscribed with each other's family signet and then exchanged to 'welcome them into the family'."

"However, if we leave both bands plain, we've not accepted each other into our families." Thorin added.

"So, you wouldn't truly be Consort." Balin continued.

"And our marriage would be void before it ever begins." Thorin finished.

Bilbo let that sink in, but the longer he thought about it, the more it started to sound like an idea he could actually work with.

"So, then we would only be fake married with no one the wiser."

"Well," Balin shifted his feet. "You would still be married by the vows, but if someone were to challenge your marriage at a later date..."

Bilbo nodded slowly, trying to be enthused, but realizing that he was still going to be married to the dwarf prince and all that comes with it.

"It is the best plan we have for now." Thorin decided.

"Your Highness, a moment if you please." Bilbo braved waving Thorin over to the side.

He and Balin shared a look and a shrug before the white-haired dwarf gave a bow and left. He didn't want to seem ungrateful to Balin or that he didn't trust him, but he has learned that Thorin only lets his guard down when they are alone.

"Thorin, can you be honest with me?" Bilbo asked.

"Yes." He immediately answered.

"Do you truly believe this will work?" Bilbo sighed. "I mean, we can't go five minutes without arguing."

"We don't argue..." Thorin stopped his beratement at the hobbit's raised eyebrow.

Instead, his shoulders dropped, and he turned towards the fire.

"I don't know." He huffed instead. "I hope it will work. I...I need it to work. What I said in the throne room...I can't lose the support of the public if they think I lied."

Bilbo furrowed his brow as he didn't say what he was thinking aloud. Thorin did lie. He was currently lying. This entire scheme with the marriage and the rings was completely deceitful to all involved. Then Bilbo thought about his first impression of Thror and resisted the urge to shiver. Those were not the eyes of a loving family member. If this had even the smallest chance of helping Thorin, then Bilbo should take it.

"Very well. Then I suppose, I am still at your service." Bilbo bowed his head as he turned to leave the room. "Although Balin will need to amend my contract."

"For what purpose?" Thorin called after him.

"I'm probably going to need some training if I'm going to be the Prince Consort." He answered breezily even as his heart pounded a mile a minute in his chest.

Thorin seemed truly stunned as if that had just dawned on him. With that final thought, Bilbo retreated back to his room. He would be seeking his own company as often as he could for the next five weeks. For after that, he will always be in the company of his husband.

***

Bilbo had never really imagined himself getting married. It just never seemed like something he was going to need to worry about as courting in the Shire became more of a chore than enjoyable. So, he didn't have any expectations or input as the dwarves rushed him and Thorin every chance they could get. Bilbo did learn, however, that his husband-to-be clearly had given this a lot of thought.

"Of course, it should be Durin blue and silver. Use gold as highlights, and it definitely should be the accent color of the banquet table."

"I need Roku, son of Toru, to make my robes. He knows what I like, and I trust his judgment. He can get Bilbo's measurements later today."

"I would like a simple, private ceremony in the Hall of Kings. But the reception shall be open to the entire kingdom. The Great Feasting Hall should be large enough."

Bilbo was almost certain they were talking to the jeweler now. He's honestly lost interest in his boredom. Besides, what need did dwarves have for any jewelry other than the wedding band? The entire conversation was pretinuous.

"Just silver in my beads. Amethyst and diamond as my gems. Perhaps some gold accents in the belt, but that's it. Bilbo, ibinê (my gem) is the one who would look lovely in gold, with amber and jade gems."

Thorin forced himself to grin like a besotted fool, and Bilbo tried to present anything that wasn't a grimace in return.

"It shall be done, my prince." The dwarf stated excitedly before bowing and exiting.

They had a few minutes to themselves before their next appointment with the caterer.

"You could at least pretend to be interested. It's your wedding as well." Thorin grumbled under his breath.

Bilbo grabbed Thorin's hand and gave it a patronizing pat. "But you're doing so well, dear."

The dwarf prince scolded rather magnificently. "You're supposed to be trying."

"I am trying. Honestly, I'm trying to act like the talks for the last hour and half over rocks was something I could remotely act interested in."

"Gems hold meaning and it's important to have stones that portray what kind of partner we will be to each other."

"You know what hobbits have for such things? Flowers. Can I expect to see some since this is our wedding?"

"Oh yes, a wedding to a dwarven prince in a dwarven kingdom wouldn't be complete without them."

"And that's why I care not how you choose to plan your wedding."

Silence hung in the air between them as they each dealt with the slights given.

"And just out of curiosity, what gems are you picking for us?" Bilbo couldn't help but ask.

"Well diamond and amethyst shows stepping into your true power and the embodiment of protection. Amber and jade represent the sun and the earth. I thought they would be...symbolic."

Bilbo couldn't help the deprecating chuckle. "So, our married life is to be defined by you being the future king and me being a hobbit?"

Silence weighed on them again.

"Would you rather...?"

"No." Bilbo cut him off with a quick denial.

He didn't have to look at the prince to feel the irritation radiating off him in waves. Good. Now they can both be miserable. Bilbo couldn't decide what bothered him more: the fact that Thorin took all the decisions according to his tastes or the impersonality of his choices. Honestly, the gems truly were the perfect choice. After all, that was the most they knew about each other. Well, aside from a few small anecdotes here and there. Nothing that seemed a strong enough foundation for a marriage though.

For while Thorin was more than happy to take time out of his day for this, he couldn't be bothered to meet with Bilbo privately. Even when the hobbit pleaded for something as simple as organizing their story. There seemed to be a war inside the prince over sticking to their facade, and the underhandedness of the deed. His face when Bilbo presented his fake letters was enough to tell this much. Still, at least there was evidence for their story now. It helped him to sleep even just a little easier at night, not that he wasn't tossing and turning anyways as the impending date of their engagement loomed closer. And Gandalf's sudden departure hadn't helped in that matter. Bilbo never thought he would mourn the loss of the eccentric troublemaker, but more than ever, he felt alone now.

"Your Highness. Master Baggins. Presenting Master Bombur, Head Chef of the Prince." The posted guard announced.

Bilbo perked up in recognition as the portly dwarf meandered his way into the meeting room. He gave a bow first to Thorin, and any attempt he had at trying to bow to Bilbo was foiled as the hobbit reached out to shake the dwarf's hand. A flush to match his ginger locks spread across his face, and Bilbo felt the glare boring into the side of his head from beside him. Finally, they reached a part of the ceremony that Bilbo could participate enthusiastically with a dwarf whose company Bilbo has come to enjoy.

"Master Bombur, we are so pleased to have you. Please, sit down! I'd love to see what tasty concoctions you've imagined for us."

"T-Thank you, Master Baggins. I hope I don't disappoint."

Spreading his scroll out across the table, Bombur began to list off all the dishes he was considering which turned out to be any and all meat Bilbo could think of roasted boar, venison, duck, chicken, beef, even trout, which seemed like more of a pauper dish to him, but Thorin didn't say anything against it. Every side dish to go along with the meal were potatoes-based. A few beet and carrot dishes. Hardly any greens.

"What about mushrooms?" Bilbo asked.

"Mushrooms?" Bombur blinked.

"Yes! I know the perfect mushroom and burgundy gravy that would complement the duck! I would be happy to share the recipe."

"No mushrooms." Thorin denied.

"Come now, you haven't even tried it! How can you be so quick to..."

"No. Mushrooms." Thorin repeated with a snarl.

Bilbo immediately shut his mouth, and poor Bombur looked between the two as if fearing a brawl right before him.

"Thank you, Bombur. I think that all will do nicely."

"Yes...of course...Your Highness. M-Master Baggins."

The dwarf jumped to his feet, gave a quick bow, and all but sprinted from the room. Bilbo's gaze was glued to his hands in front of him.

"Mushrooms are poisonous." Thorin finally grunted.

Bilbo peeked over at him through his peripherals before returning his gaze to his fingers. Mapping the hairs on his knuckles was far more interesting at this point.

"My grandfather...wouldn't react well if it was presented at our wedding feast."

Well, that explained that at least. Still, if the dwarf thought he had in any way earned Bilbo's forgiveness, he was mistaken.

"Anything else you want to change to the menu though, I will allow. You told me once that food was practically a language to hobbits. I want you to be able to enjoy our own wedding feast."

Damn him for being so considerate. It was merely the fact that Bilbo was impressed Thorin remembered that convinced Bilbo to finally speak again.

"I want a cake." He demanded.

"Cake?" Thorin raised an eyebrow, an amused smirk present.

"When hobbits get married, they have a great multi-tiered wedding cake. I think a simple butter cake wouldn't be too hard for dwarves. Twelve layers with strawberry filling and lemon icing."

"Eight layers and blackberry filling. And I think that can be managed."

Bilbo squinted at him but finally was able to see the little hint of teasing which had the hobbit smiling in return. Ah, blackberries though. That explained a lot.

"Nine tiers and blueberries?"

Thorin pretended to think it over. "I can work with blueberries."

The pair sat there staring at each other as they slowly came to grips with their ceasefire when the outer guard entered once more. That was strange. Bilbo had thought they were done for the day.

"Presenting His Grace, Prince Consort Vili, son of Milim."

Thorin jumped to his feet, his face draining of color. Bilbo stood as well, uncertainly, before turning to face the doors wondering who it could be that had upset his fiancé. A blonde-haired dwarf with a rather impressive, braided mustache and twinkling eyes strut into the room, his arms outstretched to embrace Thorin.

"Nadad (brother)! So good to see you!"

Thorin accepted the hug stiffly as Bilbo watched in equal parts curiosity and wariness.

"Vili. What...are you doing here?" Thorin grit out.

"I was traveling with our merchants to the Iron Hills, and I thought I would visit while I was here. Especially when I found out my dear Nadad'dli (Marriage brother) was getting married!"

While it was said jovially, Bilbo could see the sharp edge of intelligence and concern in the dwarf's eye as his attention was turned onto him. Well, there was nothing else for it. Bilbo held out his hand.

"Bilbo Baggins, at your service."

Though unexpected, Vili was wonderful company, and the fact that he seemed to annoy Thorin to no end was just a bonus for Bilbo. It was almost sad how much better a dinner partner Vili was than Thorin as he regaled Bilbo with delightful stories about his wife, Thorin's sister, and his two sons.

"Of course, when we finally got them calm enough to go investigate, it wasn't a warg at all, but a rather fat and disgruntled badger who seemed to delight in being hung from the tree as much as the boys had in catching him. Oh, Dis wanted to box their ears, 'crying warg' like they were. Half the colony feared we were to be overrun with orcs at any moment."

The tears escaping Bilbo's eyes were honest as his laughter rang through the dining chamber. He found himself very much wanting to meet the infamous Dis who seemed to rule with an iron fist but melt under the attentions of her very charming husband.

"That sounds like the sort of mischief my cousins and I used to get up to. Having a fair bit of skill at conkers myself, I fear I may have traumatized every squirrel within a half a league."

Thorin quirked an eyebrow at this, but Vili was the one who responded.

"I'm unfamiliar with the game, but it sounds like I need to advise you from teaching it to my sons. They're already a handful enough for their mother and I."

Thorin gave a fond smile at this, hidden by his soup spoon. Still, it had Bilbo staring contemplatively, wondering when was the last time he had seen his nephews? His sister? And why did he seem so displeased by his brother-in-law's presence?

"You know, I've been bursting to ask...how exactly did you two meet?"

The smile was gone as Thorin suddenly stiffened. Bilbo felt the jovial nature of the atmosphere beforehand, slipping away in a matter of seconds as he shifted in his seat wondering who would be the first to answer the dwarf.

"W-Well, Thorin found himself lost in the Shire..."

"You made it all the way to the Shire, recently? And you didn't bother to visit? Shame, Nadad (Brother)..."

Bilbo felt frozen as Thorin shot the blonde-haired dwarf an icy look that fazed the other not a single bit. Ah, a formidable opponent indeed. That must have been why Thorin hadn't been pleased to see him. Vili, son of Milim, may play the fool, but he was far from one.

"I think it was...after he left you and your family at the Blue Mountains." Bilbo mumbled only for Thorin to wince.

"Well, now that can't be true." Vili laughed. "Because I distinctly remember Thorin and his party going no further than the Misties."

"Not here." Thorin growled.

"Unless of course he had a reason to sneak away from us, but you two wouldn't have met yet..."

"VILI!" Thorin finally snapped, surging to his feet.

Bilbo had to steady his bowl as the dwarf's hands slammed on the table as well.

"My rooms. Now. "

Not leaving the other a choice, Thorin swept out of the dining hall making sure to slam the door behind him. Vili gave a heavy sigh.

"So dramatic. Good evening, Master Baggins. It was very nice to meet you." He stated before departing as well.

Bilbo had to fight the urge to roll eyes as he went back to his soup. Another meal with Thorin where the dwarf left before they even finished the final course. He was honestly a little perturbed at not being invited to come along. He was supposed to be in the loop now. That's what they agreed to when Bilbo signed the damn contract in the first place. He sat there and played with his meal for a little longer before giving up and leaving himself. He suddenly had lost his appetite.

***

As the days before the wedding dwindled nearly into the single digits, Bilbo found himself all but dragging as he headed to his rooms. If going through the rehearsal with Balin wasn't hard enough, the visit with Thorin's tailor was insufferable. He didn't know how many different ways to say he would not wear boots at the ceremony under any circumstance regardless of how proper or improper. He may have lost the fight on keeping his waistcoats, but Yavanna wept if he even dared to cover his feet. Of course that was just today.

Thorin had been all but nonexistent with the presence of Vili, so Thorin's maid of all people ended up showing him the dwarf's chambers where Bilbo would move in after the wedding. It was certainly as grand as one would expect of a prince. The sitting room alone could have swallowed Bilbo's current suite, and the decor chosen was expensive, pretentious, and gave the air that Bilbo was in the dwarf's personal armory all at once. There was a hallway that branched to the master suite...which Bilbo had not been inclined to explore, as well as a private study and rather impressive little library. On the other side of the sitting room was a kitchenette, which Bilbo would make use of, two additional bedrooms (though he didn't quite understand their purpose), a lavatory, and a balcony that led out onto a glassed view of the inner mountain. It was rather gorgeous, but it made Bilbo's head spin to think about the fact that he would be living there. Permanently, in the worst case scenario. It was almost strange considering the amount of natural light that was actually let into the mountain each day, but the hobbit found himself missing sunlight.

Perhaps, he shouldn't have been so quick to lose his latest guard as he found himself at a crossroads, completely lost on the way back to his rooms. He was getting better about finding his way through the winding corridors, but all the stone in Erebor looked exactly the same, and their street signs were in khuzdul which Bilbo was apparently not allowed to learn. If Dwalin hadn't made such a big deal about 'his protection' and gotten him puffed up, he wouldn't have found it necessary to sneak out of sight of the poor simple dwarf in charge of him. It would be nice at least to have a guide now. Heaving a sigh as he chose the left path, Bilbo could only hope that if he had made a mistake, it would not take him hours to rectify this time.

He had been traveling down the path for nearly twenty minutes, and nothing looked familiar. In fact, this wing seemed to be some sort of storage area if the cleaning supplies and extra linens were anything to go off. However, before he could give up and turn back, he heard voices from up ahead. Bilbo perked up thinking he would be able to ask someone for directions. He moved closer only to slow his steps in confusion when he realized he'd recognize that deep voice anywhere, and he had no idea what his fiancé was doing in a place like this.

"Fine. We're here now. Talk." Thorin ordered in a low whisper.

"Have you completely lost your mind?!"

Bilbo's brows furrowed. Vili?

"Keep your voice down." Thorin ordered.

"This little scheme you've concocted with the wizard isn't going to change anything. You have a bullseye on your back, Thorin, and now you've put one on the hobbit's as well!"

Bilbo felt all the air leave his lungs as he pressed himself up against the wall. He had a feeling this wasn't a conversation he wanted to hear more of, and yet his ears twitched as they strained to pick up the royal's secret words.

"He doesn't suspect anything." Thorin scoffed.

"Right. So, the rummaging through your desk drawers...that was normal behavior."

There was a pause of silence before Vili continued.

"At least the hobbit was smart enough to cover you there. Did you even read the letters before they were stolen?"

Sweet Yavanna. Bilbo hated the fact that he had been right.

"Your concern is for nothing."

"Really? Let's not forget the eyes that have been following me since I've returned, Thorin."

"You and Dis and your sons are safe in Ered Luin."

"MY CONCERN IS FOR YOU!"

Thorin shushed the dwarf again, but Bilbo could tell that only enraged Vili further as he gave a depravacating huff.

"I would advise you to leave...but I know you by now, Nadad (Brother). You and your vices. And it has nothing to do with Erebor or her people."

Bilbo covered his mouth to gag his yelp as the sound of one of them being thrown into the wall startled him. Bilbo felt himself shaking and knew it was time to go if he could only get his feet to cooperate.

"You're getting dangerously close to making me mad, Nadad'dli (Marriage Brother). "

Vili chuckled hoarsely "So like old times then?"

Bilbo heard them shuffle away from each other, and it seemed the tension had been eased. That didn't mean a thing for Bilbo's nerves though.

"I can't watch you get married. Not like this." Vili admitted softly.

"I wouldn't ask you to."

There was something so...vulnerable in the prince's usually confident voice that Bilbo almost wanted to reveal himself. He could hear the telltale sign of heads being butted (as he learned in a gesture of familiarity in Erebor), and then heavy dwarven steps were headed his way. Bilbo took off, sprinting back down the long walkway before his mind could even catch up with his body. It wasn't until he got back to the original fork in the path that he finally slowed. Hands on his knees, he tried to catch his breath hoping he got away, no one the wiser.

His mind whirled with all that he had learned. Thror had Bilbo's letters or at least someone did that both dwarves were wary of. Bilbo was apparently as far from safe as one could be, and what was that bit about Thorin's vices?

"Everything okay, Master Baggins?"

Bilbo nearly jumped out of his skin at the hand on his shoulder and he spun around to find it leading back to Vili. How did he catch up so fast?! Did he know Bilbo had been eavesdropping?

"J-Just lost again, I'm afraid."

The golden-haired dwarf laughed before nodding down the rightmost path.

"Come on. I'll walk your back."

Bilbo nodded, trying to maintain a facade of calm when he was anything but.

"I'm afraid I have some poor news." Vili finally spoke up.

"Oh?" Bilbo questioned.

"I won't be able to stay for the wedding after all. I'm needed back home, unfortunately."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Bilbo remarked faintly, avoiding eye contact with the dwarf. "I hope everything is, okay?"

"Just...family matters I'm afraid."

Bilbo nodded before blurting out a long list of grievances he has against the Sackville-Baggins, and how he's had his share of family dramas even knowing the situations were in no way comparable. After all, Bilbo had never been threatened by a family member, and he couldn't get over the deep growl in Thorin's voice warning the other dwarf off. He shivered unconsciously. And he was going to be married to that dwarf in less than a fortnight.

"You're awfully chatty this evening." Vili remarked with a smirk.

"Am I?" Bilbo forced a laugh that sounded nervous even to his ears. "I'm sure it's just pre-wedding jitters. You know, hobbits normally just elope! Just disappear on the assumption they've taken a holiday only to come back in post-matrimony bliss. And most hobbits are really good at hiding it too. My cousin Odo is just a natural grump to everyone, but especially Tulip Bolger. So imagine everyone's surprise when..."

"Bilbo." Vili interrupted with a hand on the hobbit's shoulder.

Coming to a stop in front of Bilbo's door, the hobbit looked up and swallowed at the grave look in the normally bright, grinning face.

"I know the truth. Thorin told me." He explained softly.

"Oh?" Bilbo's hoarse voice croaked.

The dwarf shook his head in frustration. "What you're doing is admirable really, but...you have to understand. My wife's thick-headed brother is very short-sighted when it comes to games such as these. He's a brilliant warrior, but strategy is not his forte. He lacks the patience."

"I'm familiar." Bilbo answered dryly.

"I don't think he's accurately expressed just what you're getting into." Vili sighed. "If you want, I'll escort you back to the Shire. I don't even think Thorin could fault me for offering."

Bilbo's head felt like it was buzzing. An escape! Yes, a glorious way out of this mess. For a long moment, Bilbo allowed himself to imagine accepting. Getting away from the mountain before any were the wiser. Leaving Thorin to his wedding and his messy predicament.

"MY CONCERN IS FOR YOU!"

"That...is a very tempting offer, Your Grace. But if you're right, then Thorin needs me. I don't know if I would ever forgive myself if I left now."

A heavy chuckle made Bilbo lift his eyes to see tears staining the corners of Vili's eyes.

"Forgive me, I had no idea hobbits could be so brave. Regardless of the circumstances, I think Thorin made the right decision in marrying you. You're one of a kind, Bilbo Baggins."

The hobbit ducked his head under such praise which is why it shocked him when Vili softly tapped his forehead to Bilbo's.

"If you change your mind, I will wait until the seventh morning chime. Take care, my new brother."

Touched beyond words, Bilbo watched the dwarf's retreating figure for a long moment before stepping inside his rooms. He had a lot to consider. The hobbit tossed and turned as scenarios and questions plagued him into giving up on any semblance of sleep. Instead, Bilbo sat in his armchair with a cup of tea growing cold beside him, nearly depleting himself of his last bag of Longbottom Leaf as the seventh hour rang strong and true through the mountain.

"You're a fool, Bilbo Baggins." He swore quietly to himself.

It was that insatiable curiosity of his. There was a mystery here, and damn it, he was going to find out what it was. What exactly was Thorin hiding? And what did Vili mean by 'his vices'? Bilbo was determined to find out what. So, against all logic, he stayed. And before he was ready, the day came where he was pronounced Prince Consort to Thorin Oakenshield.

The actual ceremony was a blur to Bilbo. He remembered the uncomfortable heaviness of the thick dwarven cloak draped over his shoulders and tied about his waist with a tacky golden belt. He remembered being very amused as he was draped in necklaces, bracelets, anklets, and headwear with the glittering green and earthen stones that were supposed to represent his 'hobbitness' but succeeding in making him feel further from the title than ever before. Then he was walking down the aisle in front of a modest collection of dwarves, most of whom Bilbo had met, before standing before his husband-to-be.

Thorin had looked very handsome in his finery and a smile graced his face, but his eyes were haunted. Bilbo hated that. Cue the long-winded service in khuzdul that Bilbo wasn't allowed to know, but Balin had at least prepared him well for the proper cues. A small smirk of amusement pulled at his lips when the plain golden ring slid onto his finger. Another secret, but this was one he was allowed to know. A quick peck on the lips, and Bilbo was married. He couldn't get a read on the king, whose intense expression never wavered from Bilbo's person. All in all, it wasn't the worst wedding Bilbo had attended. At least the cake was sublime.

Notes:

Did you guys know fruit had meaning?? Don't know how seriously to take this, but this is how Bilbo interprets it:Strawberries- righteous loveBlackberries- negative energy surrounding the spiritBlueberries- an optimistic futureLemon- cleanser and purifier