five

"Hey, Phil, what about your dad's car?" Alan asks as you all walk out of the building, Phil and Alan holding the white boxes filled with the weird merchandise.

"I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back," he says.

"Then you vote you torch the cop car and all this shit with it," Stu says as Phil opens the trunk.

"Torch it? Who are you?" Phil asks after he had placed the box in the trunk.

"I don't know, Phil. Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked. These mugs," he yells, grabbing one of the mugs from the box Alan is still holding and shattering it on the ground.

"Stu, settle down," you sigh.

"This hat!" he yells, ripping the hat off of Alan's head and tossing it on the ground.

"Hey!" Alan whines.

"This car! It's all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we're torching all of it!" Stu says.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a schoolteacher, I've got a life. I'm all for secrecy but I'm not gonna torch a fucking cop car," Phil says.

"No, you agree with Phil. You thought what you were doing before was illegal? This will for sure get us caught. Torching it will really gain us attention," you say.

"Fine, I'll do it," Stu eases up, placing his hands on his hips.

"Can you help?" Alan asks. You sigh, rolling your eyes.

"Yeah, thanks," Stu says as someone's phone starts ringing.

"Shoot, is it Doug's?" Phil asks as you all start checking your pockets.

"It's Doug's, it's Doug's," Phil says, pointing to Stu as he pulls Doug's phone out of his pocket.

"Uh, it's Melissa," he sighs.

"Don't answer it," Phil sighs, shutting the trunk after Alan had finally stuck the box in.

"I have to, she's called twice already!" he says.

"How do you not see how weird and clingy she is! You ignore her calls so she calls your friend's phone instead," you say.

"Can you ride shotgun?" Alan asks, touching Phil's arm.

"Don't touch me," he says, quickly pulling his arm away as he pushes past Alan.

"No, fuck off," you say, walking to the front seat and getting in as you hear Stu answering the phone from afar. Phil hangs his head, fed up with Stu as he stands in front of the open driver's door, waiting for Stu to get in the car. You can faintly hear him feeding Melissa some bullshit lie from outside.

"Learning all kinds of vino factoids," Stu says as he gets in the back seat, Phil getting in the front as they both shut their doors.

"It would be so cool if you could breastfeed, y'know?" Alan asks Phil from the back seat, Phil furrowing his eyebrows and shaking his head at the weird comment, even though it shouldn't be a surprise coming from his mouth.

"Well, we're about to go for a tractor ride, you should probably get going," Stu says as an orange car speeds into the parking lot, quickly parking behind you.

"What the fuck?" Phil asks, glancing in the rearview mirror. You look behind you, seeing two men get out of the car, both of them holding a wooden baseball bat.

"Get out of the car!" one of them yell, coming over to your side and hitting your door at the same time the other guy walks over to Phil's side.

"They just started up the tractor. You think it backfired," Stu chuckles.

"Where the hell is he?" the man on Phil's side yells, looking closely at Phil by hanging over the windshield.

"Hey, easy, easy. You think we're looking for the same guy, okay?" Phil asks, holding his hands up in surrender. The guy on your side doesn't hesitate to lift the bat, banging it off the middle of the windshield and breaking the glass.

"Hey! What the hell, man?!" Phil asks as the baby starts crying from the back seat.

"Why would there be a baby? We're at a winery, that's a... goat," Stu says into the phone.

"Where is he?" The man on your side yells again.

"I don't know! What are you talking about?" Phil asks.

"Sir, can you please start the tractor so you can get out of here?" Stu asks Phil, leaning closer towards him.

"I'm trying to but we're fucking blocked!" he yells, turning to face Stu. The man on Phil's side hits the window, shattering a part of his side of the glass, too.

"Hey! There's a baby on board!" Alan yells.

"We don't have who you're looking for!" you yell.

"Get out of the car!" the man on Phil's side yells, Phil starting the car quickly.

"It's a baby goat!" Stu says.

"Why are you making trouble outside of your business, man? Go away from here, now!" Eddie yells, stepping outside of the building.

"Get out of the fucking car," The man on your side says, pulling out a gun and aiming at your head.

"Fuck," you mumble.

"Phil, he's got a gun," Alan says worriedly.

"No shit he's got a gun!" Phil yells back.

"I gotta call you back," Stu says, finally hanging up in the mess of it all.

"C'mon," Phil says, quickly driving forward until he hits the white van in front of you. You all look over to see Eddie groaning and holding his bloody shot shoulder.

"He shot me!" Eddie yells.

"Fuck! Shit!" Phil yells, quickly putting the car in reverse.

"They shot Eddie!" Stu yells.

"Fuck this shit!" Phil says, backing directly out of the parking lot and onto the road, hitting the orange car and shattering a glass bus stop shelter on the way.

"Fuck! Fuck!" Phil yells, putting the car back in drive.

"Go! Go! Go!" Stu yells, Phil quickly driving down the road. You let out a relieved sigh, looking back to see no one behind you, thankfully.

"That really just fucking happened. Holy shit," you say, rubbing your face.

"Oh, okay! That was some sick shit!" Phil smirks, glancing over at you.

"Who were those guys?" Alan asks.

"We're going to be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, alright? Shh," Stu says calmly to the baby.

"What the fuck is going on?!" he screams afterwards.

"I have no idea," Phil pants. Doug's phone starts ringing again, Stu sliding it up and looking at it.

"How about you let that one go to voicemail?" Phil asks.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Stu fake-laughs. "That's a fake laugh, by the way!"

-

You all walk up the stairs of the outside of the very small apartment building, Stu and Alan leading as you and Phil follow behind them.

"It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor-"

"Shut up, Alan!" Stu says.

"Seriously, dude. No one cares," you say.

"She's right," Phil says.

"What room was it again?" Stu asks, glancing back at you two.

"It's 825," Phil says as a woman on the phone walks out of her room ahead of you, gasping when she sees you guys and hanging up the phone. The same lady from the photos she and Stu took together, Jade.

"Thank God, he's with his father! I was freaking out, I missed you sweetie," she smiles, picking the baby up from Alan's pouch. You snort, trying to hide behind Stu as Phil smirks down at you.

"And you miss you," she says, leaning forward to Stu and starts literally making out with him. Phil looks down between you and them, obviously confused about the situation.

"This is weird," you whisper, Phil nodding in agreement as he stares at them.

"What the hell happened to you guys?" she smiles, pulling away.

"Actually, we were hoping you could tell us," Phil says.

"What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get you guys all coffee, and I came back and you were gone," she says, all of you silently staring at her as you still have no clue how you even know her.

"Why are you being so quiet?" she smiles, looking at Stu.

"I'm not being quiet," he chuckles nervously, Jade laughing.

"Ha, ha, you're so cute!" she smiles.

"Here, I gotta feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys," she says, pushing open the hotel door and pulling Stu behind her as she holds onto his hand.

"Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler," Alan says to you and Phil, stopping before he enters the room.

"Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos, too, bud," Phil says, rubbing his back as he pushes him inside.

-

You all awkwardly sit on the couches in the small apartment as Jade pours a glass of iced tea at the kitchen counter, Alan sitting on the armchair as you sit in-between Phil and Stu on the sofa. You lean back, watching her with your arms crossed over your chest.

"Okay, what's up? You guys are acting weird. What is it, do your nipples hurt?" she jokes, Phil glancing down at you with a large smirk on his face.

"Look, it's Jade, right?" he asks, looking back up to Jade.

"Very funny Phil," she smiles, walking over and handing the glass of iced tea to Stu.

"Right, Jade, uh, " he pauses, clearing his throat, "you remember our friend, Doug?"

"Are you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding. And his sister was the bridesmaid, so cute," she smiles, standing in front of you as she bounces Tyler in her arms.

"Exactly. Well, we can't find him and we're getting a little worried," Phil says as Stu slowly takes a sip from his drink.

"Oh my god, that is so Doug!" she laughs, Stu spitting this drink all over the baby.

"Oh," she says, backing up as he starts sobbing, all of you confusedly looking at Stu.

"Oh sweetie, I'm- I'm gonna go clean him off. It's alright, daddy didn't mean it," she says, walking off with him to the bathroom.

"Oh my god," Stu says.

"What the fuck, man? You gotta hold it together," Phil says.

"Holy shit," Stu says.

"She is super hot, you should be proud of yourself," he says.

"Phil's right, she's way hotter than Melissa. Oh- and she actually kisses you!" you chuckle.

"She is wearing my grandmother's ring!" Stu says.

"What?" Phil asks.

"The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa. You remember? My grandma's Holocaust ring?" he asks.

"Damn," you mumble.

"She's wearing it!" Stu finishes.

"Fuck, okay," Phil says, looking down at his hands in his lap.

"I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust," Alan chuckles.

"You need to learn when to not open your mouth," you say.

"He's okay," Jade smiles, walking back into the room.

"Oh, good," Phil says.

"He was just hungry, he's fine," she laughs, sitting not in the other armchair across from you.

"Oh, good. Um, about last night, uh, do you remember the last time you saw Doug?" Phil asks.

"Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding," she says.

"The wedding, okay, great," Phil says, leaning back to grab the napkin and pen from his pocket.

"And you can't re- what time was that at?" he asks, putting the napkin on the table in front of him.

"Well, it was, um," she says, taking her entire boob out and putting it in the baby's mouth. Phil loudly clears his throat, uncomfortably shifting in his spot.

"I guess it was around one, because I had to go back to work and finish my shift. And then when I got out you headed to the hotel with Tyler," she says. You glance over at Alan, shaking your head as you watch him watch the baby eating in amazement, his jaw dropped and eyes wide.

"And, was Doug there then?" Phil asks, ready to write on the napkin.

"I didn't see Doug because you guys passed out. The room was a wreck, so I just curled up next to Stu," she smiles.

"Uh-huh," Phil says.

"Rowr," she meows like a cat to Stu, you scrunching up your face in disgust.

"Oh," Phil chuckles, glancing at Stu as he puts the napkin back in his pocket.

"I got a question," Stu says awkwardly, raising his hand.

"Um, you said when your shift ended. Does that mean you're a nurse? Or a blackjack dealer?" Stu asks hopefully.

"You know this, I'm a stripper," she laughs, Stu quickly humming in agreement as he squints his eyes shut. You and Phil both glance at each other, chuckling quietly.

"Well, technically I'm an escort, but stripping's a great way to meet the clients," she smiles.

"Smart," Phil nods, smirking still as he glances over at Stu again.

"Savvy," Stu agrees.

"But that's all in the past now that I married a doctor," she smiles.

"I'm just a dentist," he smiles. You quickly tap Phil's legs, both of you silently getting excited at the fact that he finally didn't refer to himself as a doctor for once. But, the back door of the apartment suddenly swings open, two cops bursting in and holding their guns up at you.

"Las Vegas Police, freeze!" the guy yells, all of you quickly jumping back and holding up your hands.

"Shut that baby up!" he yells to Jade, trying to calm her screaming child.

"Oh God!" Stu yells.

"Okay! Okay! Okay!" Phil yells, trying to ease the cops down a bit. Great, just what you needed right now.

-

Phil puts the quarters into the payphone as he stands in front of it, your handcuffed hands hanging in the air as you sit on the chairs along with the other guys. Your left hand is handcuffed to Alan's left hand, and Alan's right hand handcuffed to Stu's right hand, also making it so much more uncomfortable and awkward since his arms are crossed over.

"And after we take the mugshots, we bring them on down here where they wait to be interviewed by the arresting officers," a police officer says, bringing a large group of kids down and using you four as examples for the dumb little field trip.

"Trust me kids, you do not wanna be sitting on these benches. This is what we call; Loserville," the officer says, leading the laughing group of kids away from you. One kid stays back, walking forwards to Alan and opening his flip phone, snapping a picture of him. Alan quickly lifts his foot up, kicking the phone out of the kids hand as Phil finishes dialling the number, holding the ringing phone to his ear.

"Hey! Tracy, it's Phil," Phil smiles. Oh great, here you go.

"We are at the spa, at the hotel," Phil says, shifting uncomfortably.

"Of course he's around. Why wouldn't he be around?" he asks.

"Um.. we made a deal, no talking to girlfriends or wives. So, we're all just calling each other's," he chuckles, glancing over at you, shaking his head at his own answer.

"Uhh, yeah, you can talk to (y/n)," he says, holding the phone to your ear.

"Hey! Trace," you chuckle nervously.

"Hey, is everything alright? Are the guys staying out of trouble?" she asks.

"Yeah! You wanted me to keep them out of trouble, so, they're out of trouble," you laugh, all of them awkwardly staring at you.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Yeah- I'm fine. Here's Phil," you say quickly, Phil putting the phone back on his ear.

"Uh, you are not gonna believe this. We got comped an extra night at the hotel," Phil says, faking excitement in his voice.

"Yeah. The suite is- it's ridiculous. It's out of control. There's, like, room service and a butler. I mean, just the works. So, we're thinking of spending the night and then we're just gonna come back totally relaxed in the morning," he says.

"Yeah, that's why we're gonna get up early, and we'll be back in plenty of time," he says rather calmly.

"Wenneck, Billings, Price, Garner, Room 3," A cop calls out from behind you, reading off a piece of paper.

"Okay, Trace, I gotta go. We'll talk to you later," Phil says, quickly hanging up the phone. You all stand up, sighing awkwardly at the way you, Stu and Alan are all tangled up.

"Alright, alright, chop-chop," the cop says.

"Okay, spin around," Phil and Stu tell Alan. Alan Spins, but then it leaves your hands all in the middle.

"Goddamn," you mumble.

"Wait a second," Phil says.

"I'll go over. I'll go over," Stu says.

"Stop pulling," you say to Alan, bending down on your knee so Stu can step over the cuffs. Phil stands over you, watching your situation since he's not actually connected to it, instead on the end of the chain and connected to just your right hand.

"Can you just- hold on?" Alan whines, bending down as well.

"They got it, Alan. Just relax. And then just- there you go," Phil says as Stu gets over, the three of you normal while Alan stands backwards behind you.

"Good," Phil says, you all starting to walk as Alan awkwardly drags along behind you.

"You only live once, is it?" Stu asks you as you walk towards the room.

"Shut up."

-

You all rub your wrists after being freed from the cuffs, the male officer finally walking into the room with a file in his hand.

"Lady and gentlemen," he says, slowly walking over towards the empty chair next to the female officer.

"We've got some good news and some bad news," he says, stopping in front of the chair and reading from a paper inside the open file in his hand.

"The good news is, we found your Mercedes," he says.

"That's great news," Stu says, Phil chuckling as you let out a breath of relief, smiling slightly. Now, Tracy and Alan's dad hopefully won't kill Doug for fucking losing his car in Vegas.

"That's great, see?" Phil smiles, tapping Alan's shoulder.

"Yeah, it's over at the impound right now. We picked it up at five am this morning. Parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard," he says.

"Huh. In the middle, that's weird," Phil says, leaning his elbow on the arm rest as he anxiously rubs the bottom half of his face.

"Yeah, that is weird. There was also a note. It says, uh, 'couldn't find a meter but here's four bucks,'" he says, holding up the note on a napkin after pulling it from the file. You tightly press your lips together, trying hard not to smile as he tosses it on the table for you guys to see. Stu pulls it forwards, and you immediately notice Phil's handwriting.

"The bad news is, we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning," he says. Stu leans forwards, leaning his elbows on the table as he holds his head up while you let out a sigh, covering your face with your hands. This is officially the shittiest day of your life.

"Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible. No, we need to be in L.A. tomorrow for a wedding," Phil says.

"You stole a police car," the girl says loudly.

"We didn't steal anything. Um, we found it," Stu says.

"That is true, we did find it," you agree.

"Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward or something, like a trophy," Alan says.

"I see assholes like you every day," the guy says.

"Every fucking day," she repeats.

"'Let's go to Vegas! We'll all get drunk and laid!'" the guy mocks, turning to the girl.

"Yeah! Whoo! Whoo-whoo!" They both start cheering, moving their hands robot-like.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" you mutter quietly.

"'Let's steal a cop car because I think it'll be really fucking funny!'" the guy yells.

"Yeah, think you're gonna get away with it? Not up in here!" she yells.

"Not up in here!" he repeats, even louder.

"Oh- uh--" Phil trails off, glancing down at his hands.

"Sir, if I may, um, I'm assuming that that squad car belongs to one of you," Phil says.

"Yeah," the guy agrees.

"Yeah. Look, I'm not a cop. I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher. But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip, that would really look back at me," Phil says. You smirk, knowing what he's hinting.

"What are you getting at?" the guy asks.

"Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?" Stu repeats.

"No one wants to look bad. We gotta get to a wedding, and you guys don't need people talking about how some obnoxious tourists borrowed your squad car last night. But look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal- discreetly, of course, ma'am," Phil says. Both of the cops sit there, glancing at each other.

"What do you say?" Phil asks as the woman closes the portfolio, sliding over the clipboard towards the guy. The guy laughs, looking back up at it.

"Uh, let me ask you a question. Do, uh, any of you have a heart condition or anything like that?" he asks.

"Uh, no," Phil says, the rest of you shaking your heads.