Hoax

Long tattooed arms wrapped around me as Noah stepped into me, forcing me backwards out the door I just entered through. He let the door fall shut behind us once we were outside.

"Alex" Noah tried to catch my attention away from my fit of tears. "What is going on?" he asked as his hands found my face and held me still while his eyes bored into mine.

"I- I think I'm pregnant" I gasped through my tears before burying my face in his chest. "I know I shouldn't be telling you this right before a show but I can't hide things from you; I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry." I rushed out though it came out muffled from Noah's shirt in my face. I took a deep breath in before going on "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Alex," Noah pulled me back from his chest. "Alex, stop, you need to calm down" he pleaded. "I'm not mad," he stated. "If you're pregnant, you're pregnant. It was going to happen eventually." His voice was soothing and his calmness admirable. "I love you Alex. I wouldn't want this with anyone else."

"I love you too" a fresh wave of tears hit me as I spoke before burying my face in his chest again.

"The test we do in office is no more accurate than one you buy at the pharmacy. So let's start with an ultrasound," Dr. Tracey explained the course of action we're taking before having her nurse escort me to the ultrasound techs office. Noah was busy with press and prep for the show tonight but I assured him I would be fine doing this on my own. It felt strange, being in a state I'd never been to before, going to a women's clinic I'll never go to again just to verify something I already know, but Noah thought it was important I do this, so here I am. Lying on a table, undressed from the waist down, about to receive an internal ultrasound because it was most likely too early to find anything with a regular ultrasound.

I didn't even look at the screen while the tech search inside of me. It was sure to make me have more questions and I already know the tech isn't allowed to say anything, that's for the doctor to disclose. After my ultrasound the doctor was quick to round back to my room.

"So," she started as she took a seat on the rolling stool, chart in hand. "You're not pregnant, you may have been though. It's hard to tell with things like this. But your IUD is out of place and it would be best to remove it." I felt her words knock the air out of me.

"I may have been pregnant?" the voice that spoke though I know it to be my own, sounded foreign.

"IUDs can cause serious complications with pregnancy. Yours is not in the correct position so it's possible that you may have become pregnant but all forms of birth control make an inhospitable environment. But we don't know for sure if you were pregnant. The only evidence leaning towards you having been pregnant is your at home tests."

"Well, I guess let's take it out then" I said, my voice stayed level though on the inside I felt like screaming. I felt like screaming and crying and throwing a tantrum like a child, a child I am seemingly not able to have.

The following days were quiet, everyone was concerned for me but didn't dare speak of it and did their best to treat me like nothing happened. Nothing did happen after all. I may have never been pregnant, we just don't know. Although I like to tell myself I wasn't pregnant and there wasn't another loss, there's part of me that knows deep down there was a loss. I lost another priceless gift without even knowing it. What is it people say? You don't know what you have till it's gone?  That's it, that's the one.

The tour was progressing at a steady pace, now a quarter way through I am becoming home sick. I miss my bed and the comfort of lying in it with Noah. Sure we share a bunk on the bus and every hotel room; but the sheets aren't the same and Noah lays there with tension throughout his muscles. I've tried to relax him but nothing seems to work, he says he used to it but it still bothers me to see him this way. I just want to be home where the arm holding me to Noah's chest isn't ridged to keep me in place while the bus rides down the interstate. I missing sharing long showers with Noah and the sex that so often follows. Since my most recent doctors visit Noah hadn't touched me, it's been two weeks and I can't tell if it's because he thinks I'm too fragile, if he doesn't like our new birth control, or if he just doesn't want me anymore. All of the possibilities were beginning to weigh on me heavily.

The many times Noah has treated me like a china doll I always make a point to remind him that I'm not, in hopes of him finally believing me, in hopes of him touching me again. The doctor suggested no birth control for a while for my hormones to balance out naturally. She said the IUD being out of place may have caused my hormones to spike and cause a false positive test result. That being said, birth control was now Noah's responsibility and he's never been in charge of that as long as we've been together. He said he was fine with it and agreed just pulling out wasn't safe enough; yet he still hasn't touched me. The more my evil thoughts swirl in my mind the more I'm able to convince myself of the possibility that he truly doesn't want to touch me. He did say he didn't want a baby with anyone else, but if I can't give that to him what use am I? The doctor said my fertility shouldn't be affected by the IUD misplacement but who really knows for certain? 

The bus was running late, we loaded in late last night and thus the bands bus was behind schedule. The sun beamed though the windows as the bus trudged along down the interstate mid morning on the day of the next show. When we arrive it's all hand on deck to make up for lost time. The boys go straight into sound check and keep going from there. Once the bus parks I probably wont get another moment alone with Noah till after the show. At the moment we sat on opposite sides on the long sofa in the back of the bus each of us deeply immersed in our own tasks. Noah was writing with his laptop and I was staring at my phone waiting for him to acknowledge me. No I was not deeply immersed as he was. In fact I felt like nothing more than a toy, lying in wait to be played with. I watched him over my phone but not once did he notice the set of eyes on him. At any moment words of some kind were sure to jump forth from my lips and cause him to snap his head in my direction. What the words would be I have no idea. The topic? not sure either. It was now a waiting game, would he look at me? or would I speak first? I tried to force myself to speak sooner but I was at a loss for words and felt as though I wouldn't quite know the correct words till they were flying out of my mouth.

"Are you bored of me?"  the words came out quickly. the confusion and shock on Noah face was a combination I hadn't seen yet and almost wish I could have taken a picture of it.

"What?"

"Are you. Bored of me?" I slowed my speech for better clarity.

"What on earth makes you think that Alex?" Noah moved his laptop off his lap and to the small table nearby.

"You haven't touched me in almost three weeks." my voice was flat as I held unwavering eye contact with the man across from me.

"Alex," he sighed. "No, Alex, It isn't like that, You just. You've been through a lot. I didn't want to push. I want you to be ready and you know you just maybe had a miscarriage. I wanted to give you space and all the time you need baby," he paused. "Please don't take that for me not wanting you, I love you Alex,"

I felt stupid now. "I should have know better than to doubt you" I stated trying to hold tears at bay in my eyes. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't apologize" he reached his arms out for me, "Come here" I pushed forward from my seat and all but fell into his arms. Arms I hope will never let me go.