Anti-Hero

My eyes followed the ping pong ball that bounced back and forth between Nick and Jolly as they batted it with their paddles using extreme concentration. My head made minimal movements to follow the path of the ball as it moved across the table. I sat on the back of the worn leather sofa in the middle of the green room with my legs dangling down, hitting the back of the couch with dull thuds from the heavy soled boots that were laced tightly to my feet. Black leggings under one of Noah's t-shirts completed my low effort outfit. I hadn't been feeling great the last couple of days, lack of quality sleep was catching up to me on week three of tour. Noah was beginning to watch me with his overbearing stare the longer I went on feeling like this. It's my fault, I make it too obvious when I don't feel well; low effort clothes, no makeup, hair un-styled. These past few days have had their bright side though; I've spent so much time in my own misery I've had no time to have anymore anxiety attacks. After the first one in the restaurant I had three more over the next several days, over varying topics. To my misfortune they always happened in public places, there was never one that went without witnesses.

Minutes passed as I continued to watch the ping pong match before I felt my throat begin to tighten with a rising feeling. I swallowed harshly but to no avail the rising continued. It was then, when my mouth watered that I panicked. I know this feeling all too well. I slid off the back of the couch and hurried past the boys to the bathroom. If the boys noticed my quick exit I don't know, I was far too focused on getting to safety. Once in the bathroom I shut and locked the door before sinking to the ground in front of the toilet, where moments later I lost my lunch. Relief washed over me once the moment passed. It was over, thank God. I stood slowly on my shaky legs and stepped to the sink that I used to support my weight as I focused on catching my breath. I reached for the faucet and turned on the cold water before bending down and shoving my mouth in the stream of water to rinse away the sour taste in my mouth.

"Alex" knocking sounded on the door behind me. "You okay in there?" It's Noah, Of course. "Alex" he sounded more urgent now.

"I'm okay." I straightened my posture, still relying on the sink to keep me upright. "I'll be out in a minute" I said though I wasn't sure if it was loud enough to be heard through the door. I heard the impatient shuffling of feet that was sure to be Noah incapable of stepping back from the door. I took a chance and pushed off the sink and turned to face the door. I unlocked it and began pulling it open, I saw Noah whip around to face me as I stepped back into the green room.

"You okay? What happened?"  His eyes scanned over me like he was going to find a physical fault on my person.

"I'm fine, I just got sick" I tried to brush it off even though I know there's no way to brush off random vomiting, especially not with Noah around.

"That's not fine, Alex." He countered giving me a stern look. "Are you sure you're alright? Do you have a headache? Are you feeling dizzy?  Did lunch not settle well?" He started speaking faster as he rattled off questions.

"Noah," I stopped him with my hands on his biceps. "I'm fine, I promise" I squeezed his arms that had recently grown in diameter. "If anything else happens I'll let you know." I stared into his worried eyes hoping to ease his troubled thoughts.

"Please, let me know if anything else out of the ordinary happens" he asked while I watched his slight panic fade.

"You'll be the first to know. Promise" my hand slinked around his body to rest against his back as he pulled me in for a tight, breath stealing hug.

"I just worry about you."

My legs burned from the speed I was walking at as I sped through Walgreens. All it took was one comment made by my dumbass brother and here I am with my mind spiraling out of control in the middle of a Walgreens. Fuck, why are pregnancy tests so expensive? It's not something I necessarily want to skimp on either. Twenty dollars for two isn't bad I guess. I grabbed the box from the shelf and proceeded to take my walk of shame to the front on the store. The cashier paid no mind to my purchase, though that didn't stop my anxiety from spiking through the whole transaction. As I left the store I wrapped the bag around itself and held it tightly to my side. The venue was only a few blocks away but I have to be quick seeing as I left without telling anyone what I was up to. As the venue came into venue I was faced with the decision of where to go with my secret purchase. Although the quiet sanctuary that is the bus sounds lovely, it's to obvious that something's up if I'm there for an extended period of time. So I put on a brave face and continued on straight into the venue clutching the bag in my hand ever tighter.

I decided my best option would be to walk the backstage halls till I was almost lost and find a quiet, out of the way bathroom. It only took a few minutes and a few turns in alternating directions to be far enough from the buzz of activity to feel safe doing what I need to do. I felt stupid as my hands shook while locking myself in the bathroom. It's not that serious. Yes it is that serious. I've been here to many times before all with terrible outcomes. I took a deep breath and carefully opened the box before pulling out the instructions and shoving them into the plastic bag. I've done this enough times, I don't need instructions. The tests slipped out into my hand and I proceeded to rip the wrappers off each one. My hand held the tests together in a vice grip as I shimmied my leggings down and got to work.

Standing up I capped the tests and set them on top of the plastic bag that now rested in the sink before correcting my clothes. These tests always take a few minutes and I hate watching them load, it freaks me out. I dropped my head back and stared at the ceiling above me while I tried to control my breathing. Fuck it, let's look. Snapping my head up I stepped up to the sink dipping my hand into pull the tests up for inspection. Negative. Thank God. Wait, why is that line there? I took one test in each hand to compare. One test a single solid line against the white background. The other test a solid line next to a faint, blurry almost line? I felt the contents of my stomach crawl up my throat the longer I looked at the tests.

The tests hit the floor as I dropped them to lunge for the toilet. The problem is, I already lost my lunch. There's nothing left to throw up now. I dry heaved from what felt like hours. In reality I know it was only minutes but right now reality is askew and don't ask me what color the sky is I'll probably get it wrong. It did look particularly green on the walk here? My head felt like it was spinning as I moved to stand up, as I stepped back to the sink my feet hit the tests that lie on the floor, kicking them across the small room where they stopped against the door. Another wave of unease washed over me as I bent down to pick them up, I shoved the tests in the waist band of my leggings as I stood before collecting the trash I left in the sink and crumpling it into a small wad before exiting the bathroom. Slowly I took the hallways back to reality where the band and crew were getting ready for the show that was growing closer.

There was probably two hours left till the boys took the stage and as I wondered through the crowded hallways I began to notice the absence of Noah. Had he not been looking for me? I passed by Nicholas and Jolly in the hallway on my way to the green room. They acknowledged me as I passed but said nothing to alert me of anything to be concerned over. As I approached the green room door I paused, before turning back to the boys. "Is everything alright?" I asked with a quirked brow.

"Yeah, are you alright?" Nicholas asked mimicking my expression.

"Yeah.." I stood still in the door way for a second before reaching for the handle.

"Oh, you can't go in there." Jolly stopped me, raising a hand to halt my movements.

"Why not?" I twisted the handle.

"Noah's in an interview" Nicholas cut in.

"Nick is with him," Jolly added. No wonder why I wasn't being sought after. My bodyguards are busy. I breathed out a sigh of relief. Nothings wrong. Well something's wrong, very wrong actually. I dropped my hand from the handle before taking a step back.

"That buys me time" I breathed out.

"Time for what" Jolly said without looking up from his phone he was engulfed in.

"Nothing; if they look for me tell them I'm on the bus." I said quickly as I breezed past them and towards the doors at the back of the building.

Once again my legs burned as I hauled ass to the bus and quickly mounted the stairs. I pulled the tests from my waist band and shoved them down into the bottom of my suitcase. I flipped the lid of the suitcase closed before reaching for the zipper. My thoughts stopped me. Fuck. I can't run from this. Slowly, I pulled the suitcase back open and shoved my hand back in the tunnel it just made to place the tests. Pulling them out I inspected them again. Yep, one negative test, one not so negative test. What does this mean? I put the tests back in my waistband before closing my suitcase and standing up. I have to face this. I exited the bus quickly and headed back for the venue. Maybe this won't be so bad? Wait, how is Noah going to react to being told I'm maybe pregnant? I can't throw this on him right before he goes on stage. Shit, I have to keep this to myself now. How am I going to look at him and not tell him? Maybe I should hide?

My thoughts were halted when I swung the heavy door open to come face to chest with Noah. "Alex! there you are, I was just-" he started before pausing once his eyes had fully scanned my face. "Are you alright? you're really pale." he stated as he held me still by my arms.

"I'm fine, just a little tired." I squeaked out to the best of my ability.

"I don't know Alex, you look worse than before. Are you sure you're okay." he asked again, concern peaking in his voice now.

No, No I am not okay.  "No." I felt my bottom lip quiver and tears burning at the back of my eyes waiting on their chance to shine.

"What's wrong? what's going on?" the worry washing over his face all but killed me.

"I -I" I couldn't speak.

"Alex, Babe what ever the problem is we'll fix it. You'll feel better soon I'm sure." Noah tried to soothe me as he watched me panic.

"I'm the problem." I gasped through the tears that now ran freely down my face. Well that's one way to put it.