14. Three months

CARA

Shit. Why is she complimenting me all the time? I know I don't deserve it. She doesn't need to remind me all the time that I am nothing. I already know that I am nothing. I am just the smoking girl. She knows it.

Anyway, we were lying in the bed and was about to sleep. This was like some days after the Harry incident. I heard how Kendall shivered. The whole bed vibrated. I have noticed that Kendall is always cold when we are  sleeping, but now it was almost insane. It was like that time when she woke up with bloodshot eyes and she cried. 

I quickly threw my body on hers, and tried to calm her down. I knew she wasn't awake, otherwise she probably would've said something. I hugged her tightly, and put the comforter on us. But her body was still cold as ice. 

"Kendall," I whispered.

She was still asleep.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked myself.

"I don't know. I don't want to wake her up, but I don't want her to be this cold!"

"Shit Kendall. What is it with you?" 

Soon, her body wasn't as cold as before, but it was still unnaturally cold. 

And after that night, it became a regular thing. Every night, she was shivering like crazy. Everything is Harry's fault. Kendall didn't sleep well on any nights. I didn't tell her what I knew, even though it wasn't much that I knew. But after like a week, I had to tell her. I was so worried.

"Kendall," I said while we ate lunch.

"Mhm?" she said with food in her mouth.

"Do you know that you are cold as ice when you are sleeping?" 

"What?"

"You are shivering so the whole bed is vibrating," I explained.

"What?" she repeated.

I just nodded.

"What?"

"You. Are. Cold." I articulated.

She just stared at me. 

I noticed how her beautiful brown eyes started to get a wet surface. It was a thin surface but I could see the glimmering from it. 

"Seriously?" she asked scared. And now her whole face was telling me that she was sad.

"Yes."

"Don't lie. Is it true?" her chin was shaking.

"Yes. I swear." I said confused.

"FUCK!" she said and burst out in tears. "SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK!!"

Okay I have never heard Kendall swear except like one time, but this was freaking way worse than me. 

"Calm down Kendall!" I said and leaned over the slim kitchen island and wiped off her tears.

"NO I FUCKING WON'T!" she screamed.

Okay it was terrifying when she swore.

I quickly got back to my chair and just stared at her uncomfortable. What should I do?

"I'm going out," I said and walked really fast and left the apartment. 

I know it was harsh to just leave her alone when she was breaking down, but what can I do? I needed to smoke. Now. I can't handle this. She probably just need some space. From everyone. She needed to think alone. I would be in her way. I was never good enough to comfort her. She was lying all the time.

I walked down the street and entered the club when I was done smoking. I needed to cleanse my head. 

I drank several drinks, and I got very drunk. And soon, I got the idea to go to Harry to kick him and beat him really badly. So I just walked to his apartment and kicked open the door.

"HARRY FUCKING STYLES IS A DEAD MAN!!" I yelled and searched with my furious eyes through every little corner in the room. 

"WHAT THE-" Harry said. He was sitting in the kitchen and read a paper.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?" he yelled back and grabbed a kitchen knife.

"YOU RUINED MY KENNY'S LIFE!" I yelled and approached him.

"Wait... You know where Kendall is?" know he sounded rather desperate.

"What if I do."

Now his eyes became darker than mine.

"Tell me where she is." he said and started to approach me with the knife instead.

"Never!"

"You are fucking gonna tell me where she is!" he ordered me strictly.

"It's not nice to swear..." I said. I'm blaming on the drinks...

"TELL ME OR I'LL KILL YOU!!" 

I came back to reality for some seconds.

"She-she's at my... at my place..." I faintly said.

"YOUR PLACE!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" he went crazy.

"N-no..."

"SHE IS FREAKING CHEATING ON ME WITH A GIRL!!"

"Technically, you did it first..." I stated. We weren't even together... I have never even kissed her.

"SHUT UP!!!" he yelled. I thought I was gonna get deaf.

I was silent.

"Listen to me very very carefully, or you're Kenny is gonna get hurt," he whispered clear in my ear. "You will leave New York City. You will leave Kendall. You will never ever see Kendall again. Don't call her. Don't text her. Don't write to her. Don't ever even think about her. If you do something of that, I will hurt her. Get. It?" 

My body was frozen.

"And most importantly, don't tell her what I just said. Get it!?" 

I nodded by panic. I can't imagine a life without Kendall anymore. I shouldn't have left her. I am always so stupid. I guess he was right... I am useless and I can't do anything about it.

"Good. Now go home and tell your little Kenny that you have to leave. Don't tell her where, or I'll hurt her. You have two weeks to leave. Now, go." he said and pushed me to the door.

I walked out and ran home.

Kendall was watching TV, and she looked normal. She was smiling to me.

"Hey. Cara listen, I'm sorry for befor-."

"Shut up." I snapped. If I had to leave her, I might as well get her to hate me. It will get easier then.

"What?"

"I said shut up. Go to hell." I said and went to the bedroom.

I locked the door and leaned against it and cried. Why did I have to leave her!? All I wanted was her, and now I have to make her hate me. 

"Cara," Kendall pleaded from the other side of the door. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Please!"

"Leave me alone!" I yelled. I guess she'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. But how is that gonna work? She will die of coldness. Ugh. I can't take care of her if I am supposed to get her to hate me. 

"Cara please talk to me! I am so sorry! I can't lose you too!"

I cried so much. I never wanted to leave her, but otherwise, Harry would hurt her. I couldn't let that happen to her.

"Stop trying." I sobbed. "Don't try to make me a better human. I just... Go."

"I won't leave you Cara. Please tell me what happened. This isn't you." she said concerned.

"You're right, this is too much the old Cara, isn't it?" I said cocky. "You just wanted to change me. You just wanted to prove me wrong. You never cared. Get out!" 

"I cared! I still care! Please Cara!"

"OUT!" I yelled.

I heard her steps fading away, and the door to the apartment was slammed.

I didn't sleep that day. And nor the other nights without her. She had left me. If I slept, it was because I couldn't resist.

Kendall called me every single day, but I never answered.

From: Kendall

'Cara I love you! Please don't leave me :_('

She didn't love me. She never did. She couldn't even say it straight to my face. Liar. She just hurt me. She doesn't mean it that way. She just wants a friend. She is saying it as a friend. Nothing more, I swear.

It was hard, but I had to convince myself that I hated her as much as I wanted her to hate me. And soon, I almost thought I hated her for real. But I knew that I could never hate her.

Two weeks has gone, and I left my apartment to drive to the airport. I didn't sell my apartment, because if everything goes as planned, I could go back to it later. My plan was to go to my family in London for three months, then Kendall probably would've forgotten me. Then I would move back to the apartment and act like nothing had happened. I would be invisible again. But at least I could hang out with Mike. 

I was arriving to London with tears. My family greeted me and asked what was wrong. I just said that I was so happy to see them, and they bought it. 

So there I was. Alone. Without Kendall. Three fucking months without her. Three months without the only one that cared for me. The only one I wanted to be with. She probably hated me by now. I never deserved her anyway. I can't believe I am in love with her. But who doesn't fall for a girl like her? 

Wait...

Did I just admit that I was in love with her?

I guess so. But who cares? I can't do anything about it. I can do NOTHING about it. Everything was hopeless. And I would never see her again in my entire lifetime. I just don't want to hurt her.

But who is gonna comfort her now? Who is gonna hug her when she is cold? Will her sister take care of her? Will her sister also hate me? How many will hate me as much as I hate myself?

Three months. Soon, I am back in NYC. I hope.

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