Final, Part 2

A/N: there will be one more part to this fic after this. Enjoy!

For a better half of my life I truly did believe that I didn’t need anyone. I’ve always been fine on my own. I guess I liked not having any one nagging me or dragging me down. It was great. Really great.

Now it’s been a week without talking to her and I don’t know what to do with myself. It bothers me how much I miss her. I never thought I would feel this way, so empty, so lost without her.

I close my eyes and all I see is the look on her face when she left me in New York. I literally can’t shake her out of my mind - her smile, her laugh, those gorgeous hazel eyes.

I didn’t think it would be this hard not seeing her. I really thought I would be okay without her just like I was okay when my mom left and after my brother passed on.

It kills me knowing how much I hurt her. I really did think I would be okay without her just like I was okay when my mom left when I was 13 and after all the important people I’ve lost. I was okay without them, at least okay as I could be.

I kept my promise to Adrienne and myself that I would stay away from her. I did run into her once, in the hallway. I acted like I didn’t even see her as she walked passed me. That was probably the worst possible thing I could to do her, pretend like I don’t even know her anymore. It probably tore her up inside more than any over the other crap I did.

I know it tore her up. She tried to put on a brave face when we crossed paths. It wasn’t until I heard her door slam shut that I knew she was crying so I ran to her. I stood on the other side of the door, listening to her sobbing over me, wanting so badly to just knock down the door and pull her in my arms, to comfort her, apologize for everything I’ve ever done to her since the moment we met.

But I can’t. It has to be this way. At least until I straighten everything out. I care about this girl more than I have cared for anyone and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she got hurt because of me.

It’s pathetic the amount of times I wished I would hear her knocking on my door, to see that smiling face just one more time.

——————————————————-

The warm liquid burns as it slowly goes down my throat. I welcome the pain. It’s no worse than anything I’ve been feeling lately anyway.

I want to erase the memory of her. The only way I can think to do that is through this bottle. But the more I drink, the more I realize I’m never going to forget about her. She’s always on my mind.

I look at my bed and see her hair fanned out across my pillow as she smiles at me. I hear her laughing when there is complete silence. I smell her perfume even though she hasn’t been here for days. No matter what I do I know I’ll never be able to shake this one.

The common room door shuts with a loud bang as I lift the bottle of whiskey to my lips once more, taking a long chug, feeling the burn once more.

I hear Adrienne sigh dramatically as she plops down on the couch. “I don’t know what to do” she says to Michael, her voice whiney yet concerned.

“About?” he questions and I know he hasn’t taken his eyes of his Call of Duty game.

“Shane” she huffs. Her name peaks my interest even more and I move closer to Calum’s side of the room so I can listen in on their conversation. It’s wrong, sure, but I need to know what’s going on with her.

“Michael” she demands his attention.

“Okay” he groans, putting remote down on the coffee table.

“I’m really worried about her. She’s been going out every night.”

Michael chuckles, probably rolling his eyes at his girlfriend. “And how is that any different than before?”

I hear Adrienne slap his arm. “But not with me. She doesn’t even ask for me to go with her anymore. She’s been hanging out with this girl Alyssa. I don’t know who she is but I don’t like her” Adrienne rambles on.

I wonder who Alyssa is. I’ve never heard Shane mention her before, granted for the first part of our relationship, if that’s what you want to call it, I barely listened to anything she said.

Michael sighs loudly. “I know you’re upset but Shane just needs some time” he assures her.

“It’s never been like this” I can hear the sadness in her voice. “I’ve seen Shane go through break ups before but not like this. It’s like she’s not even the same person anymore. I feel like I lost my best friend” she sniffles.

“I know baby” I poke my head out to see Michael comforting Adrienne, rocking her in his arms as she cries.

It has never bothered me before when a girl cried, not even when I’m the one who caused her to. But now it doesn’t sit well with me knowing how many people I’ve hurt with all my lies and deception. How many relationships I have affected by my actions.

I step into the common room and clear my throat to get their attention. Both of them snap their heads my way.

“Adrienne” I pause. My hands are clammy at my side, the bottle of whiskey nearly slipping from my fingers. I don’t know what I could possibly say to make this situation better, to make her feel better. “I- I’m so sorry” is all I can think of and I know it’s not nearly enough.

She stands up, placing her hands on her hips. She’s obviously not happy with my pathetic apology. Adrienne’s usually a pleasant person but I know that’s not a side of her I’m going to see at the moment.

“Save it Ashton” she scoffs. “I’m getting really sick and tired of hearing your apologies. You are not sorry so don’t say that you are.”

I take a deep breath, silently reminding myself that this all my fault. “I am. I screwed up. I know that.”

“Do you?” she fires back at me, such anger behind those kind eyes.

“Yes” I shout, feeling the vein in my neck nearly pop.

“So you make it all better by getting drunk at two in the afternoon on a Saturday?” she laughs sarcastically.

I slam the whiskey bottle down on the coffee table. “I fucked up!” I poke my finger into my chest. “Is that what you want to hear?” I start lashing out but I have to hold myself back. Adrienne doesn’t deserve to be yelled at like that, especially not by me. Just like Shane didn’t deserve anything I’ve done to her.

She flinches, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink. I didn’t mean to scare her. “Yes” she says quietly, her eyes darting to the floor.

“I fuck up everything. I’m very much aware of that!” I try to keep my voice down but it’s hard. I have so much built up aggression but it shouldn’t be directed at her. “I feel so fucking guilty.”

“For what?” she almost laughs, switching right back to fight mode in a flip of a switch. “Please tell me why you feel guilty? For leading her on? For lying to her? For breaking her heart?”

I throw my head back, blowing air passed my lips. Adrienne is Shane’s best friend and she’s going to call me out for everything. It’s not at all surprising and honestly I deserve everyone attacking me lately.

“For all of it I guess” I shrug. “You’ll never believe me but I care about her. A lot.”

“Then why?” she furrows her eyebrows, folding her arms across her chest. “Couldn’t you have found someone else to mess with? Why her?”

I rub my hand on the back of my neck, not quite sure how to answer her question. “You really think I meant for all this to happen?” I raise my eyebrows, trying to keep the anger inside me to the absolute minimum.

“Yes” she answers abruptly. “I really do think you enjoy fucking with people’s lives.”

“Adrienne” Michael says in a warning tone, knowing how easy it is for me to explode.

“No Michael” she shakes her head, not taking her eyes off me. “He needs to understand what he’s done. How much he hurt her. How she has spent every moment crying over this asshole while it doesn’t phase him at all.”

“Excuse me?” I snap. “You think I’m fine with all of this?”

“Yes” she nods.

“Well I’m not okay” I shake my head. “It’s literally killing me inside.” I slump down on couch, covering my face with my hand, annoyed by how much emotion I’m allowing myself to show. “I miss her. I miss her every day. So fucking much.”

“Then why not fix it man?” Michael places his hand on my shoulder, trying his best to comfort me.

“Or maybe he should’ve never ruined it in the first place” Adrienne adds in.

“You know what” I stand up, my face burning red. “I’d rather the both of us be miserable and alone than to have her dead. Don’t you get it?” my eyes dart between the two of them. “It’s not safe for her to be with me. This is how it has to be.”

“Exactly” Adrienne agrees with me, not even questioning confession. “I don’t want him around her anymore.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “What are you going on about Ashton?”

“I’m a horrible person and horrible things follow me everywhere I go. I don’t ever want Shane to go through what Vanessa did. I care about her too much.”

“Ashton” Michael sighs. “It’s not the same.”

“No” I put my hand up, telling him to stay away. “This is how it has to be.”

“Oh boo” Calum steps out of Luke and Michael’s room, remote still in hand. “I was rooting for you to get back together. I liked you more when you were with her” he laughs, lighting pushing my arm.

I almost crack a smile too. I’ll admit I liked me more too when I was with her. I think everyone did. I was a completely different person.

“Let’s take a vote” Calum announces, trying to break the awkward tension in the room.

I look around at everyone, shaking my head. “You lose Cal. It’s four to one. It’s over.”

———————————It wasn’t until Sunday night when I finally turned my phone back on and crawled into bed and listened to her voicemail.

I haven’t been sleeping much lately, not since I pushed Shane out of my life. And I was getting used to our routine too. I’ll admit I even liked it. Getting to see her every day was something I never would have wanted with anyone else. And I knew every night that she would eventually make her way to my room to spend the night.

Now it’s been over a week of my sleeping by myself. No, not sleeping. More like lying in bed awake all night, staring at the ceiling, constantly thinking about how much I messed up with her. How much I messed her up.

I kept my promise to Adrienne. I stayed away from Shane. And let me tell you, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

It took everything in me not to walk past her room just to see if she was there, to see how she was really doing. I avoided going places I knew she would be – the quad, the cafeteria. I even took the staircase on the opposite side of the building so I wouldn’t bump into her.

Finally I settle into bed and yank the blankets over my head, pressing play on the voicemail. My stomach drops the second I hear her voice. ‘I miss you’ she cries into the receiver, sounding broken and alone.

Before I can stop myself, I throw the blankets off me. I don’t know what I’m doing. My feet have a complete mind of their own.  All I know is that I need to see her. I just have to. I can’t carry on like this anymore.

I pull open the common room door when I hear Luke. “Where are you going?” he raises his eyebrows with a dumb smirk on his face.

Why is he always getting my way?

“No where. I just need fresh air” I lie but he doesn’t buy it.

“You’re going to see her, aren’t you?”

“Okay… fine. Butt out of it.”

“I can’t let you go down there” he sighs, shaking his head.

My hands tighten into fists at my side. “I swear to God Luke if you don’t get out of my way-”

“You’ll what?” he steps to me, acting all macho.

“I’m not scared of you Ashton.”

“Really?” I cock my head to the side wearing the same stupid smirk he was just seconds ago.

He’s silent, his eyes falling to the floor. “That’s exactly what I thought” I practically laugh in his face. “Now fuck off” I growl, pushing right past him.

I calm myself down on the walk down the hall, repeating in my head what I want to say to her. But the truth is I have no idea what I’m going to say. All I know is that she misses me and that’s enough.

I tap my knuckles lightly on the door, rocking back and forth on the heels of my feet, patiently waiting for her to answer. Unfortunately for me I’m greeted by Adrienne who is wearing that same scowl on her face.

She tries to slam the door shut but I grab it before it closes in my face. “Adrienne, wait” I plead.

“I can’t let you see her Ashton” she says spitefully, blocking the doorway, using her body as a barricade.

I narrow my eyes in on her. She can’t be serious right now but she seems more pissed than she was last night. “Please” I breathe out.

“You promised Ashton” she reminds me.

“I know” I sigh heavily. “But she needs me.”

She shakes her head, her eyes locking with mine. “She doesn’t.”

“Adrienne” I give her a look of desperation. “What do you want me to do? Get on my knees and beg?”

She cracks a smile. “Well…” she giggles lightly. “Fine” she huffs. “You have two minutes then I’m kicking out of here.”

“Thank you” I smile and wrap my arms around her tightly.

“Yeah, yeah” she pushes me back. “Two minutes” she points her finger at me.

I nod and practically skip towards Shane’s room. Before I can even get to her I hit yet another obstacle. Any even harder one… Amy. I see nothing but murder behind her eyes.

“You” she storms towards me.

I throw my hands up in defense. “Amy … I just…” Before I can finish my sentence the palm of her hand slaps me so hard across the face that there is sure to be a mark.

“Asshole” she mutters.

“I deserved that” I nod, rubbing my cheek where she hit me as she brushes past me to give Shane and I some privacy.

Hesitantly, I walk to Shane’s side of the room. She is curled up in her bed, hugging her teddy bear tight to her chest. Her eyes are still puffy from crying. And I hate myself for being the one who caused all those tears.

“What do you want?” she asks venomously, shooting me an icy cold stare.

“Can we please talk?” I ask, pointing to an open space on her bed and she nods.

She sits up, pulling her knees to her chest, tucking a lose piece of hair behind her ear. I want nothing more than to grab her and kiss her, to have things go back to how they were. But I can’t.

“You came all the way down here just to stare at me?” she says harshly. “Talk.”

“I miss you Shane” I blurt out. “More than I’ve ever missed anyone. And I know you miss me too.”

“Well” she exhales loudly, her eyes darting back and forth between mine. “I miss what we had” she admits. “I can never forgive you for cheating on me” she says quietly, resting her cheek on her knees.

“I know” I nod. “I didn’t sleep with her. I thought you should know that” I offer. “I kissed her and I brought her up to our room with every intention of having sex with her but I couldn’t.”

“Because I ruined the moment?” she scoffs, disgusted, and rolls her eyes.

“No” I shake my head, reaching for her hand but she quickly retracts it. “Because I realized that hurting you is the worst thing I could possibly do. I’m an awful person Shane. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Things you can’t possibly imagine. But nothing I did in my past will ever be worse than what I did to you.”

She squints her eyes, tilting her head as she glances up at me. “Why?”

I take a deep breath, making a game-time decision to just be completely honest with her, ready to break down and tell her the truth, the whole truth. Well… I’ll leave out a few details.

“There was this girl I was seeing a few years ago. I met her at Michael’s house. We hit off right away.”

“You really think I want to hear about you and another girl?”

“No but I need you to know everything. Her name’s Vanessa. For a while I was happy with what we had but my past came to bite me in the ass, like it always does” I close my eyes, get angry just thinking about it. “His name is Jared.”

“I’ve heard that name before. Luke mentioned him. He’s the guy from the lake? The one who followed me? Stalked me?” I can almost see her heart beating out of her chest. She’s scared and I can’t do anything comfort her.

“Yes” I say barely above a whisper. “He’s the one who murdered my brother. He wants to make my fate much worse after I screwed him over. He took Vanessa from me, made her do all these horrific things like he made me do such terrible things. But she liked it, loved it even.”

“And you’re afraid he’ll come for me and I’ll do the same as her?” she raises her eyebrows in question. 

Shane would never do the same. She is nothing like Vanessa.

“No. Worse” I mutter. “I’m afraid he’ll really hurt you because he knows I truly care about you Shane. I have nothing else to live for in this world besides you.”

I slide closer to her, pulling her hands into mine, lacing them together. “I’m so sorry Shane. I can never apologize enough for this. I’m going to take care of it. I promise.”

“How?”

I take my hand from hers and run it through my hair. “Let me worry about that.”

“Okay” she sighs, not fighting for more information.

“Okay” I smile, trying to wrap my head around how easy this was. The only thing left to do is take care of Jared.

I brush my hand along her cheek, slowly going in for a kiss when she pushes me back. “No. This doesn’t change anything Ashton. I can’t be with you anymore. Not after all you put me through” she wipes away a tear that escaped.

“Please” I beg her. “I need you. You know I never meant for any of this to happen. I care about you so much baby.”

“Yeah. Care” she grins. “But you don’t love me. Not like I love you, right?”

“Shane” I sigh deeply.

She pushes herself off the bed, walking to her desk to pick up her phone. She types quickly on the screen then skims through her closet.

“You can go now” she flickers her eyes towards the door. “I’m meeting up with a friend.”

“Yeah” I stand up, stepping towards her, grabbing her upper arm. “Who is this Alyssa girl anyway?” I question.

She glares down at my hand on her. “That is none of your business” she spits, shrugging me off her, as she changes into a tight black dress right in front of me.

“Like hell it isn’t” I fire back. “Christ, Shane” I breathe out, rubbing both hands roughly on the back of my neck. “It’s not safe for you yet you keep putting yourself in all these dangerous situations.”

“Situations I would never be put in if it weren’t for you” she says ruthlessly. “Now excuse me. I have to go. Alyssa’s waiting for me.” She grabs her phone and purse and walks out the door.

Defeated, I sit back on her bed, burying my head in my hands. There’s a dip next to me and soft arms wrap around me as I let one single tear slip.

“You’ll be okay too” Adrienne whispers in a soothing tone.

“I know I will. But Shane” I turn my head, catching a glimpse out the window. I stand up, staring out in the courtyard behind our building. “Shane!” I scream, slamming my hand on the window, hoping that she could hear me.

“What is it Ashton?” Adrienne comes rushing to my side.

“That’s not Alyssa” I shake my head, the anger boiling inside me. “That’s Vanessa.”

“Oh my god Ashton” she cries, grabbing tightly onto my arm as we watch, unable to anything at the moment.

“Fucking damn it!” I scream, slamming my hand on the windowsill. “Stay here” I demand, turning to Adrienne and then quickly run out of the room.

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