Chapter 27

I remember the streetlights, the quiet humming. They were dim. Cars raced by me, horns honking loudly, drowning out my angry thoughts. People rushed around me, aggravated that I was in the way.

It was like my shoes were glued to the ground. I couldn’t move but I forced my feet to shuffle down the street. And as I walked the only thing I could see was his face as I left him.

I’m foolish. Foolish for falling for a man that doesn’t have the capability to love anyone in return. Foolish for believing that he cared about me enough to never intentionally hurt me.

I’m fragile. Fragile as a snowflake as it touches the pavement. Fragile enough to let him break me, shatter me to pieces. I am nothing but broken glass lying in the palms of his hands.

I long for things I can never have. I prayed every night for my parents to work out their problems and stay together. My prayers worked for a while but deep down I knew my wishes would never come true.

I’ve longed for this wonderful relationship, not perfect because that would be boring. Fighting is inevitable. All I ever wanted was to be in a loving committed relationships where at the end of the day nothing else would matter as long as we had each other.

I saw that potential in Ashton. I really did. He obviously had a lot to work on and still does. He’s an angry person who has never had to answer to anybody.

I see the way he treats other people. He’s been rude and degrading towards me also but something changed in him when he was around me. I wasn’t just imagining that. He was kinder, sweeter, a side I’m sure many people never got to see.

He was playful with me, laughing until our stomachs hurt. It didn’t take long for me to fall in love with that part of Ashton. But that’s’ the thing - you can’t just love parts of someone. You have to love them as whole. And I did. I loved everything about Ashton, even the darkest parts of him.

He’s hurt me in the worst way possible. He’s lost my trust. He’s lost my respect. He lost me. I hope it was worth it to him.

The sad part is I still love him. That will take a long time to go away, the love I have for him. Even worse, I still want him so much it hurts. Just to have him run after me, apologize, fight for me would be enough. He cheated on me and I would still be willing to take him back. That’s how much I love him and don’t want to lose him but I need to fight that feeling.

Ashton doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t deserve a good relationship. He doesn’t deserve to be happy. He’s like a tornado, destroying everything and anything in its path.

—————-

Port Authority is pretty empty, except for a people wandering around, janitors mopping the floor, and some police officers stationed around the bus terminal.

“Next.” The lady at the counter sounds like she would rather be anywhere else than here. I don’t blame her. It’s nearing nine at night on a Sunday. I want to be home too, cuddled in my bed too.

“One way to Baltimore please” I say, trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

I shouldn’t be here, taking a bus back to school alone. I should be in a gorgeous hotel room with my boyfriend enjoying our last night in New York City.

“The next bus leaves in fifteen minutes” she informs me as I hand her my credit card. “Just down the stairs and to the left. You should just make it.”

“Thank you” I smile, hoping that will make her smile too.

I run down the stairs, luggage in tow and locate the sign that reads ‘Baltimore.’ I have this much figured out. The bus should get in just after midnight. I have to find someone who will be willing to pick me up.

In the meantime I need someone to talk to. If I call Adrienne, it’s going to be a lot of I told you so and lecturing. I’ve been down this path before with a cheating boyfriend. She only wants what’s best for me but right now I could do without her life lessons.

So I turn on my phone and try Luke. He answers on the third ring. His voice is groggy as if I just woke him up from a nap. “Shane?” he yawns.

“Hi” I say, my voice weak and quiet. “I’m sorry if I woke you. I just didn’t know who else to call.”

I hear the bed creak in the background. I definitely woke him up. I feel terrible about it but already hearing his voice is making me feel better. “Is everything okay?”

“No” I shake my head even though he can’t see me. I don’t want to cry again. I’m sure I have no more tears left to shed. “I’m getting on a bus now… back to Maryland.”

Luke clears his throat. “Where’s Ashton?”

“Don’t know. Would you mind picking me up?”

“Of course.”

“The bus should be there at 12. Thank you Luke.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”I do. I really do. “I don’t think a bus full of people want to hear about my horrible love life and my cheating ex-boyfriend. Maybe when I get home” I offer.

“I’ll be waiting.”

I hang up and hand the bus driver my ticket. The bus is almost filled but I manage to find an empty seat in the back. Maybe I can just stretch out across the two seats and get some sleep. I could really use it.

“Is this seat taken?” a girl, around my age, asks. She’s strikingly beautiful. Her hair is black with purple streaks, her make-up is heavy but it suits her and brings out her green eyes. Her voice is soft and sweet.

“No” I scoot over for her to have the empty seat next to me. She seems sweet so I don’t mind giving up the extra space for her.

“I’m Alyssa by the way” she introduces herself with a wide smile.

“Shane” I say, not being able to match her happy exterior.

“You all right? I can tell you’ve been crying.”

Well… she’s upfront. I guess anyone could tell. My cheeks are blotchy and under my eyes are puffy. But not many strangers would mention it.

“I just broke up with my boyfriend” I tell her, a complete stranger. Maybe it is best to tell someone who doesn’t know me.

“Sorry to hear that. I’m sure he’s kicking himself in the ass for letting you get away” she smiles, trying to make me feel better.

“I’m sure he’s not” I sigh.

Alyssa reaches down her backpack, pulling something from the front pocket. She places a small bottle of vodka in my hands. “You could use this more than me.”

I nod, removing the top and taking a long sip from the bottle. “Thank you. I did need that.”

“We’ve got three hours to kill. I’ll share that bottle with you and you can bash your ex the whole ride back. It helps.”

I agree with her and take another long sip before passing back to her. “He’s such an asshole” I don’t hold back. I don’t need to defend Ashton to a stranger he’s never met or will ever meet like I do with my own friends. “I told him I loved him. Do you know what he did?”

“Nothing good I assume” she giggles, bringing the bottle to her lips.

“He found some slut and brought her back to our hotel room.”

“That’s a dick move” she passes the bottle back to me.

“The dickiest” I laugh, the vodka hitting me fast.

The rest of the ride we spend bashing our exes. She brings up this guy she dated a couple of years ago. He sounded an awfully lot like Ashton. The way he treated her, the things he said to her – they reminded me of Ashton.

———————

The bus pulls into the station a little after midnight as predicted. I see Luke’s car waiting in the parking lot. This is the second time he’s come to rescue me after I’ve run away from Ashton. That should really be telling me something.

“Do you need a ride anywhere?” I ask Alyssa. I’m not sure if Luke’s comfortable with that but she’s nice and I wouldn’t want her walking around this city at night by herself.

“I’m good. Maybe we could grab a drink sometime. I’ll be around for a week or so.”

“Sounds good.” She hands me her phone to put my number in. I do hope to see her around. She was there for me when I needed someone. You don’t find that in people you met on a random bus.

“Hey Alyssa” I call after her.

“Yeah?”

“How did you deal with it when you found you ex cheated on you?”

“I trashed his house” she smiles devilishly. “It’s good therapy.”

I jog over to Luke’s car, ready to get out of the cold. He turns up the heat when I close the door and pulls me to him, hugging me tightly.

“I’m sorry Shane” he sighs, placing a kiss on the top of my head.

“I’m fine” I slur, still feeling buzzed after drinking on the bus.

“You sure smell like you’re fine” he smiles, shaking his head. “Let’s get you home.”

“Thank you” I lean over, kissing his cheek, close to the corner of his mouth.

Once I’m alone in my room, drunk, with my own thoughts everything seems to crumbling down. I’m hurt and I’m angry and I want Ashton to feel just as bad as I do. I want to hurt him.

I can’t wipe the image of that girl leaving our room out of my head. The thought of what they were doing while I was trying to give him some space to process. It kills me. I’m so livid with him and I don’t know how to deal with that anger.

I find courage in a bottle of whiskey at the back of my closet. A few shots of that and I’m ready to do God knows what. I call him but no answer.

In my pathetic breakdown, I leave him a voicemail. “Fuck you Ashton. Fuck youuuu! I hate you. I really fucking hate you. You win Ashton. You win. You’ve destroyed me.”

I hang up the phone, throwing it across the room, not caring if it shatters when my door flies open. I’m greeted by very angry quadmates, Amy included.

“What the hell Shane?” Dani snaps.

“So sorry” I say sarcastically.

“If you’re going to act like this you need to leave. Some people are trying to get work done around here” Amy says, hands on her hips.

“You really need to get laid” I throw back at her. She is such a frigid bitch all the time. She needs to pull that giant stick out of her ass.

“Excuse me?” she coughs, almost embarrassed. “What happened? You get in a fight with that wonderful boyfriend of yours again?” she rolls her eyes.

“Go to hell” I spit. Amy might be blood but she knows nothing about me. She thinks she’s so above me because she has a higher grade point average. She is such a snob. She doesn’t know what it’s like to go through something like this because she’d rather waste her life away studying than having a life and finding someone to cares for you.

“You have two seconds to shut your mouth before I call the R.A.”

I’m not going to win a fight with her nor do I want to waste my time fighting with any of them. “Fine” I huff, leaving the room and slamming the door as hard as I can.

I’m drunk and have thousands of raging thoughts running through my head.  I find myself walking towards Ashton’s room. I know he’s not there but that doesn’t mean I can’t destroy everything he owns. Like Alyssa said, it will be good therapy.

With my bottle of whiskey still in hand, I enter their room uninvited. No one is the common room so there is no one to stop me.

I rip down every album off his wall that he holds dearly, chucking them around the room as I scream. Next is his desk. I swipe my arm across the surface, everything scattering around the floor.

“Shane!” Calum shouts, trying to get my attention.

I turned to him with tear-filled eyes. “What?” I bite, my breath ragged.

“Uh, nothing” he steps back. “Carry on.”

“I hate him!” I yell. “His stupid fucking hair” I throw his hairbrush at the TV. “And his fucking clothes” I start tossing everything out of his closet. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing as I slowly lose my mind but it’s helping.

“Uh, Michael, Luke, you might want to get in here” Calum calls for his roommates.

I take a long chug from the bottle and chuck his X-box on the ground. I know how much he adores that thing. Way more than he ever adored me.

“Shane,” Luke huffs. “What are you doing?” he says softly, afraid to piss me off more.

“I hate him” I say coldly. “He fucking deserves this” I groan as I take a pen stabbing a picture of us that I had left for him one day.

“Oh my god” Adrienne steps around Michael, seeing the disaster that is Ashton’s room and myself. She cups her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide as she scans the room. “Shane” she comes towards me but I put my hand out.

“Just go away” I mumble.

“You’re bleeding” she reaches for my hand and turns it over to look at my palm. I must have cut it on piece of glass after I threw his posters and framed pictures across the room. I didn’t even notice there was blood.

“It’s fine. Go away” I repeat. I need to be alone, away from everyone.

“Shane” she frowns.

“No. Adrienne. Get away from me!” my voice is so broken and loud, completely foreign to even me. “I just need to… I need…” The tears start again, heavy this time. I can’t control my breathing as I sob into my bloody hands.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know who I am anymore. Look what he’s done to me. He’s turned me into this crazy person that can’t control herself.

Adrienne tries to wrap her arms around me but I push her away. She looks hurt. I know she is but she can’t fix this. She can’t fix me.

“I don’t need you!” I yell at her.

“Fine” she snaps. “Hurt yourself. Break his shit. I don’t care.” She storms out of the room, Michael following behind her, trying to calm her down. I know she’s just worried but she can’t help me right now. No one can.

“Oh shit” I hear Calum mutter.

Quickly after I see Ashton appear behind him, his face red, the vein of his neck nearly popping out of his skin. His eyes are hard on mine, dark and fuming. He’s furious but so am I.

His duffle bag falls to the floor with a loud thud. He chucks his keys on his now empty desk. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he steps to me, ripping his laptop out of my hand before I had the chance to smash it on the floor and stomp all over it. “Where the hell did you go?”

“Like you fucking care” I shout back at him.

“Don’t push me Shane” he threatens.

“Or what?” I fire back, not afraid of what he’ll do next. I just don’t care anymore. He can’t hurt me more than he already has.

“You don’t want to know” he warns, a spark of rage flashes behind his eyes. Could he possibly be so blinded by rage that he would threaten to put his hands on me?

“I do. You’re a fucking coward Ashton” I slam my hands against his chest, using all my strength to push him back. He doesn’t move. “That’s what you are. You’re a coward and an asshole. I hate you”

He looks down at me, frowning, his breathing as uncontrolled as mine. Hearing me say that hurt him. I know it did. I want my words to dig into him like daggers, make him feel just an ounce of the pain that he’s caused me.

“Don’t say that Shane” he sighs, sweeping his hair off his damp forehead.

“I do. I hate you Ashton Irwin. I never want to see you again.”

“Then why the hell are you in my room?” his voice thunderous, bouncing off the walls of this tiny room. That temper of his that I know all too well is in full force. “Just waiting for me to get back here. Waiting for me to apologize for doing nothing wrong.”

“Nothing?” I cough out a laugh. “Nothing?!” I raise my voice. “You fucked some whore in our hotel room.”

I hear Adrienne gasp in the common room. “Jesus” she groans.

“Believe what you want Shane. I don’t care” he throws up his hands in defeat and hops onto Calum’s bed.

“I know what I saw Ashton. I told you I loved you and you ran away like the coward you are. Just be a man and admit what you did.”

“Fine. I fucked her. Is that what you want to here?” his eyes dark and burning through me. “And you know what? It was good” he smirks. “So fucking good Shane. She pleased me in ways you never could.”

“Fuck you” I grab his alarm clock, one of the few things not strewn out on the floor and throw it as hard as I can at his head. Blood immediately starts pouring from his temple. “Fuck you! You disgust me.”

“Get her out of here” he tells his roommates, standing up, hovering over me as he wipes away the blood on the back of his hand. “Now!” he demands.

My eyes dart to his. There is no emotion behind them anymore. “How can you feel nothing?” He looks away from me. “Answer me!” I shout, stepping towards him, slamming my hands on his chest over and over, crying so hard my lung hurts.

Michael pulls me back and I try to fight my way out of his grip. “No! No!” I cry out, going absolutely mental. I kick my feet as Michael lifts me off the ground. “How can you not care?”

“Michael, please” his eyes are now locked on his roommate who is trying his best to drag me away from him.

“What do you want me to do Ashton? Apologize for loving you? Then I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ever cared about you. I’m sorry loving you more than you ever deserved. I’m sorry for smothering you” my voice is so weak at this point I can barely hear myself. “I hate you!” I manage to yell out over and over as Michael removes me from the room, carrying me down the hall as I cry into his chest.

I see Adrienne in the hall, wiping away her own tears after watching her best friend being carted away like a mental patient who needs to be restrained. I’ve never seen her this worried.

“I got you” Michael says soothingly. “You’ll be okay.”