Chapter 24

What the hell did I just do?

I have no right to be mad at Shane. I know that. I have a habit of taking all my anger and frustration out on the wrong people. I blame everyone but myself. Shane doesn’t deserve that and maybe that’s the reason I told her she should just be with Luke.

I still think that. Do I want that? Absolutely not. I’d kill him first. But that doesn’t change the fact that she still deserves someone like Luke. Someone who will take care of her and treat her like a princess. If only I was capable of that.

For once, I take Michael’s advice. Instead of lashing out more at Shane or someone else, I go for a run. It’s freezing outside but the painful cold is just another reminder of how badly I messed up.

I was scared. Not of those guys or what they would do to me. I was horrified thinking of what they could and would do to Shane if they had the chance.

I should listen to Michael more often. He might be an idiot sometimes but he does give pretty good advice about life and relationships. I can only dream of having a relationship like him and Adrienne have. It just comes so easy to them.

It is easy with Shane don’t get me wrong. I like hearing her laugh and I like knowing that I’m the one that put that adorable smile on her face. And if I give myself the chance, I know I could fall for her and maybe that scares me most of all. It gives her the chance to hurt me. And I’ve spent most of my life not letting people get close enough to hurt me.

But Shane isn’t the problem. I am. I know I’m not good enough for her. I see it. Luke sees it. Her dad definitely sees it. Everyone sees it. Except for maybe Shane because no matter how hard I try to push her away she keeps coming back to me.

If she knew what really went on tonight she’d understand why I need to let her. That’s what I need her to do. Just let go.

She loves me. She’s never said it out loud but I can tell. It’s the way she looks at me and kisses me. And the way she curls up so close to me at night as if she’s afraid I will just leave.

She loves me. Why else would she be holding on so desperately?

 What the hell did I do?

I couldn’t hate myself for more than practically pushing her into Luke’s arms. I’m sure she is done crying over what happened between us by now.

He probably held her in his arms, being the hero he always is. She’ll realize that I’m right. She should be with Luke. Then she’ll look into those sympathetic eyes of his and it will be all hearts and rainbows from there for those two. And I pushed her right to him.

I can’t be selfish though. It’s the best thing for her. If I truly care about her, and I do, I can’t be selfish with her. She can’t be with a mess like me. But how can I live without her? She’s the only thing that matters in this world. The only thing that is worth living for.

After my third lap around campus, I think I’m calm enough to head back inside. Michael is standing outside our room. He must have been waiting for a while.

He huffs and takes a few long strides towards me. “Let’s go for a walk” he says to me.

“I’m fine” I brush past him. “I need a shower.”

“Ashton” he stares me down. I know he won’t give up so I agree to take a walk with him. He’ll just have to put up with the smell from my sweat.

We’re not even halfway down the hall when Michael punches my arm. “What the hell?” I snap, trying hard to control myself from hitting him back.

“You are a fucking idiot” he shakes his head.

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Why?” He stops walking and leans against the wall. “Tell me why you’re doing this to her?”

I close my eyes and rest my head against the wall behind me. “You wouldn’t understand” I sigh.

I haven’t been serious with anyone but Shane. The guys have never seen me try and be in a relationship until she came along and forced herself into my life. So they’ve never witnessed me lashing out at a girl before. It’s usually directed towards them.

“Try me” Michael tests.

“I fucked up. It’s over. What does it matter?” I say, ignoring his need to know everything about me and my past.

“Only if you want it to be” he says to comfort me. He’s right. It’s over because I don’t want to keep going on like this. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to her because of me.

“It has to be” I argue and hope that he just drops it.

“No it doesn’t.”

“Yes it does” I say back, more irritated than before. I exhale sharply and decide to give him the least amount of information I can so he’ll back off. “Jared’s in town and he made it pretty clear he’s not going anywhere.”

Michael, Calum and Luke don’t know much about Jared other than he’s a dangerous guy from my past.

“Shit” he curses under his breath. “You really think pushing Shane away is the best thing for her?”

“Yes” I answer honestly.

“Really think about it” he tells me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Is Jared going to stop whatever he has plans just because you’re not with Shane anymore?”

“I don’t know” I shrug. Michael could be right. Maybe I don’t know what’s best anymore.

“You want to know what I think?” I roll my eyes but nod my head because I do want to know what he thinks. “Jared will pull whatever stunt he has planned regardless if you are with her or not. He has to know you care for her. She’s better off with you than without you.”

“She’s not” I argue. I blow a piece of hair that fell on my forehead. “It’s the best thing for her.”

“It’s not. And you know it” he says aggravated. “She loves you. You need to be honest with her or you’re going to really lose her.”

“I can’t” I shake my head.

It might break her heart at first but she’ll get over me. She’ll move on with her life and live it to the fullest. She’ll never have to know or feel the fear that I’ve felt.

“Fine” he scuffs. “Be a miserable fuck” he says through his teeth and walks away, slamming our door behind him.

I take a few deep breaths and a couple of punches to the wall. I didn’t break the surface but there is a nice dent from my fist.

I play over and over in my head what Michael said. Would it be better if I stayed with her? If she took me back of course. I would never let her leave my side. I wouldn’t let her breathe really.

Shane would get sick of me. She likes her space just as much as she likes being with me. She’s independent and knowing that I have put a target on my back I can never let her out of my sight. Isn’t it just better to end it now than have her hate me so much that she can’t stand to look at me anymore?

I gently knock on Luke’s door, hoping that he would open it.

It opens only a little and Luke peaks his head in the slit. “What Ashton?” he glares at me.

“Can I come in?” I nod my head in his direction. “Please?” I plead.

“I don’t think that’s such a good-”

“It’s fine” Shane says barely above a whisper, her voice hoarse.

 Shane is on the floor when I enter the room. Luke steps into the common room, shutting the door behind him to give us some privacy.

She is completely broken and I’m the only one to blame for that. I hate myself for it. Her hair is a mess on top of her head. Black mascara runs down her cheeks just below her puffy eyes.

I drop down to her level. I have shattered her.

What the hell did I do?

“I’m sorry” I whisper. It’s the only thing I can think to say right now.

 “That’s it?” she says through her teeth. “You’re sorry?” Her eyes nearly bulge out of her head.

“If you just let me explain.”

“No” she shakes her head. “I want to go back to my room and forget this night ever happened.”

“Forget me” I sigh, defeated.

“Did I say that?” she stands up and folds her arms across her chest. “Jesus Christ Ashton. I’m pissed and I don’t know if I could ever forgive you for how you treated me tonight.”

“I don’t expect you to” I say honestly. “But you don’t understand why.”

“I do” she sighs. “You want to push me away Ashton. I’m not stupid.”

I never thought she was. “Shane” I take her hand in mine and to my surprise she doesn’t pull away. “You need to know why. Can we go back to my room?” She doesn’t answer or move from her place. “Please?”

She gives me a questioning look but motions for me to lead the way. We walk silently passed all my roommates in the common room. I gently close the door behind me and instinctively pull her to me.

Shane lets out a heavy breath against my chest. “We can’t keep doing this Ashton. I’m serious” she pulls back to look at me.

“I know, baby, I know” I say rubbing my hands up and down her arms. “You don’t know what they would do to you.”

“Who? Those guys? I think I can handle myself” she lets out a nervous laugh.

“Maybe” I raise my eyebrows. “They will go after anyone I care about and you’re it. Besides me, you are number one on their list if I don’t do what they want.” I don’t give her a second to say something. “No, I won’t do what they want.”

Her head falls to my chest as she chokes back a sob. “Ash…”

“What is it baby?” I raise her chin so she’s looking at me. “Tell me.”

“I’m scared” she says with a tear running down her cheek.

“I know” I breathe out and wipe away that tear. “Me too. I won’t let anything happen to you” I promise her.

“You” she pokes her finger into my chest. “I’m worried about you. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you.” She wraps her arms tightly, securely, around my waist.

“Don’t worry about me. Just … be careful” I say as a warning. “I don’t want you alone at night. Not walking back from class or the bar. I don’t care if you’re with me or Michael or even Luke. Promise me that.”

“I promise” she nods her head. “I’m happy you came back” she admits.

“I can’t quit you if I tried” I smile at her. I lasted, what, an hour without her before running back. She is everything to me now. She is all I have.

“Don’t try” she grins.

I lift her up in my arms and carry her to the bed. “Please stay tonight. Just stay with me” I say in a pleading voice.

“Yes” she answers quietly and curls into my side, resting her head on my chest.

I push her back and she gives me the cutest, angry look. “I need to shower” I laugh and slip out of bed.

When I get back Shane is sleeping but she peaks one eye open. She reaches for my hand and pulls me to her. “I missed you.”

I lay beside her, cuddling her in my arms. “You and me, let’s go somewhere” I propose.

“Now?” she raises her eyebrows in question. I can see the wheels spinning in her head. She’s probably wondering what she should pack, where we are going, should she tell anyone?

“No” I chuckle. “This weekend. Just the two of us. Let’s get away.”

“Okay” she yawns.

"Good night baby. Thank you." I kiss her cheek and pull her tighter against me.

"For what?"

"Not giving up on me. Anybody else would have by now."

"Well I’m not just anybody Ashton. I lo- care about you so much."

"I know. Let’s get some sleep."

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