interlude: article

INTERLUDE: ARTICLE

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Jungkook was so frantic about losing you, that he missed the notebook at first.

It was the only thing left in the room; and yet the fact that he'd never seen you use it made him think that it must have been here when you arrived. In any case, he wasn't worried about a notebook right now. He was more worried about you, and where you might have gone.

You couldn't have left. Surely you wouldn't have left, not without saying goodbye.

But Jungkook was struggling to come to any other conclusion. Your things were gone, and so you must be, too. 

It hit Jungkook that he had heard no planes over the island today, until he remembered that he'd had his headphones in for most of the day, listening to love songs to help him pluck up the courage to talk to you. It was all wasted now; and not only that, he might have missed his only opportunity to stop you from going.

Jungkook was devastated. But he also couldn't help feeling hurt by you right now. He knew you were hurting too; that you were running from something bigger than him and how much you wanted to be with him. 

But still, he had wanted so badly for you to change your mind. 

Leaving, at least, told him that you still cared. That you were in pain too. Because if you didn't care at all about him, you would have had no reason to flee back to Daegu before your holiday was over.

He could only imagine how you were feeling right now; terrified, and ashamed, and guilty that you thought you'd fucked it all up. Jungkook knew the feelings well, having felt them himself only this morning. 

He sighed. His head was buzzing with a swarm of thoughts, trying to decipher what had happened and what he should do next.

It was as he glanced around the room a second time, that he finally alighted on the notebook. 

He inched towards it, following his instincts. 

Had you left this here deliberately? he wondered. It seemed unlikely; the notebook was cast aside on the desk carelessly, as if you had meant to take it with you but forgotten it at the last minute. Still, it was worth a shot.

He flipped it open to where a pen rested at the most recently written page, and began to read. 

BANGTAN AT THE BEACH (idk about this title)

During a six-week break from their gruelling schedule, I spent some down time with BTS to find out what they're working on, and what they do to relax.

Interviews: 

Joon ✓

Yoongles (1st - terrace?) ✓

Hobi ✓

Jin ✓

Tae (forest? recorded only) ✓ 

Jimin ✓

Kookie - ? schedule for last week maybe?

He knew this was your handwriting. It was clearly your drafts for the article you were working on, filled in with cute side-notes and parentheses to yourself. The question mark beside his name felt like a wrenching fist in his chest - the interview that would never happen.

He scanned down through your rough notes and lists, heart nearly stopping when he saw his name, in fresh ink. The page was dated from today.

Draft of Jungkook section (don't call it the Jungkook section - find a cooler name):     

For the other six members of BTS, these past few weeks have been a chance to relax and unwind in the blissful island surroundings. But this is not the case for their main vocalist.

Has he had enough opportunities to relax? Certainly. In my time here I've seen Jungkook running, swimming, hiking, skydiving, performing karaoke and much more. But none of this is relaxing for Jungkook, though he may truly believe that it is.

There is a simple reason for this - Jungkook doesn't like to lose. Be it a race or a test or even just a lively conversation, he does not back down or give up until he has emerged victorious. So taking part in those things will never provide him with a sense of relaxation, until he has triumphed in it. 

He doesn't realise, but his need to win is ridiculously cute.

ARMY knows this about Jungkook, and so do his hyungs. But perhaps what they do not realise is, most of the time, Jungkook's biggest competition is himself. He is unendingly hard on himself, the standard he holds himself to almost unattainable in its level of perfection. He monitors his own performances for the slightest mistakes. He beats himself up for acting too shy or withdrawn, when this is simply what comes natural to him as an introvert. Jungkook's mind is a myriad of complicated ideas about the kind of person he should be. 

But I'm not concerned with who he should be. Let's examine the person he is. 

Jungkook is a man often defined by his body, and though this seems superficial it's actually a useful place to start. His sleeve of tattoos reveals the things he cares about, from his heritage to the words he chooses to live by, all entwined in one intricate design. His hands are constantly restless, because Jungkook suffers from an immense amount of surplus energy; if he does not occupy himself he easily becomes bored or uninterested. It's been thoroughly entertaining, trying to keep Jungkook interested for the last five weeks.

Jungkook is incredibly smart, though he does not believe that he is. Golden maknae or not, he has lived in the shadow of his elder friends for so long that he genuinely believes they are better than him in every way, including how intelligent they are. But I do not know anyone else who can explain a cinematic universe in the simplified, understable terms that he can. Jungkook has a way with words that is rare and possessed by few.

His eyes are both a dead giveaway for his emotions, and a deadly red herring. They take on a cheeky, sparkling glint when he's excited, and dull to a slate-grey when he is annoyed or tired, especially right after he's woken up or before he goes to bed. But do not be tricked by their doe-like innocence. His eyes make him look naive, when he is anything but.

Now, I say all of these things to caveat them with this; Jungkook is not perfect. Sometimes he gets it wrong; although not nearly as often as I do, admittedly. Sometimes he goes wrong precisely because he is trying so hard to get everything right, and this is heartbreaking to watch. He can be disorganised, or stubborn, or too proud about some things; things that are easily blown over and forgotten about the next day.

And sometimes he talks in his sleep. 

Not loudly, I'll admit. But still - the man has to have some imperfections.

Because if I am being honest with myself - which I am trying to do more of, since I met Jungkook - I have never met anyone quite like him.

When Jungkook arrived here on the island, he was on a mission to change something about himself. It was obvious to me within minutes of knowing him that he did not need to change a thing. He was as incredible on the inside as he was on the outside, from the very beginning, and since then it's been my private mission to make him realise this. 

I don't know if that mission has been a success. Sometimes, being with him was so incredible that I forgot about that mission altogether; sometimes, falling in love with Jungkook felt like my mission instead, and at this I have certainly succeeded. I love him so much that I can't believe I'm even considering packing my suitcase as I write this, but I have never been as courageous as him. 

I am not a brave person. I am outwardly confident, yes, and I believe in myself and my own abilities; but I do not wear my emotions like a badge of honour, in the same way that Jungkook does. Admitting to any feelings at all feels like a daily battle for me.

After all, wearing your heart on your sleeve is difficult, when it's been ripped off you in the past.

The problem with falling in love with a man like Jungkook is that you know, beyond anything else, that he deserves happiness. If 'happily ever after' exists, then Jungkook should have it. He should have someone who loves him easily, wholeheartedly; who isn't afraid to scream it in a room full of people, or jump in with their eyes closed and just see where life takes them. 

He deserves that - a reckless kind of love.

It's something I desperately want to give him. But in even trying to do so, trying to break through my own insecurities, I fear I've hurt him beyond repair. In the space of one day, I have ruined five weeks. If anything, it only proves to me that I am not the one who deserves him.

 So I have to let him go.

I know he will probably never read this - nor will anyone else, in fact - but I'm glad I wrote this down. That somewhere, buried deep in a notebook in the bottom of my bag, is a record of the kind of man Jeon Jungkook is, even if he doesn't realise it himself.

I hope that, regardless of what happens, he knows one thing: he is the best person I know, and he never needed to tame a brat to be able to capture her heart.

I'm sorry, Kookie. I love you.

"Jungkookie-"

A voice snapped Jungkook out of his reading, the moment he finished the article. Yoongi was standing in the doorway, glancing around the empty room in shock. 

"She didn't," he said in disbelief, gazing at Jungkook in sympathy.

Jungkook was too wrapped up in what he had read to reply. He knew you wouldn't be publishing this due to how personal it was; and yet still it struck a chord with him. 

You loved him, you'd told him that. But here it was on paper; proof that even if you were frightened, or hesitant, your feelings for him were real.

I'm sorry, Kookie. I love you.

The notebook shook in Jungkook's hands.

"But - wait, where did she go?" Yoongi's brow furrowed as he continued speaking, sounding distant from Jungkook as he replayed those words on a loop. "There's been no planes for two days, since Yoora and the others arrived."

A jolt went through Jungkook's heart.

"Wait - there were no planes today?" he asked with baited breath. "None at all?"

Yoongi shook his head resolutely. "Definitely. I was outside with Jimin all day, we would have heard."

"But... that means..."

The realisation hit Jungkook with rapid force. He looked at Yoongi. Yoongi looked right back. 

"She's still on the island," he and Yoongi both uttered, at exactly the same time.

Jungkook gazed at Yoongi, who gave him a small, accepting nod. 

"Go get her," Yoongi said, a tiny smile on his lips.

The words had barely dissolved into thin air, and Jungkook was running.

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