♠︎ twenty nine

author's note:

sorry for the delay in posting, i was passed out for the last twenty four hours because of the NEW CALVIN KLEIN PHOTOS.

I am actually unable to put up with jungkook any more. the last few months have felt like one big punishment for changing my bias from him to joonie - every time i think i'm safe he drops something else. this man is trying to kill me. 

speaking of which... enjoy this chapter. it's... interesting. 😉

~ mama bagels

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

⁃⁃⁃⁃♠︎⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃⁃♠︎⁃⁃⁃⁃

♠︎ YOU

The sun was beginning to sink into the horizon by the time you saw Jungkook that day.

Being at the beach all day had been fun, especially with Nia, who seemed to insist on the pair of you taking a shot for no apparent reason every hour. By the time sunset rolled around, you were lightly buzzed, and actively looking for trouble.

You found it on the way back from the bathroom.

Walking back down to the beach from the house to rejoin the others, who had started a campfire to gather around in the sand, you spotted Jungkook alone behind a bluff of rocks, talking to someone on the phone. He was deep in conversation, and you noted through the haze of alcohol that in the violet-tinted light of dusk, his lithe muscular figure looked almost like a watercolour painting.

Heavy, languid want twinged in your stomach. You needed him again, and soon.

Jungkook sensed you staring and you blushed, moving away; but as he saw you he hung up, waving you over. You were only too happy to obey, noting as you did that the rocks he was sat behind cut you off from the rest of the group.

"Hey handsome," you grinned when you reached him, falling down into his lap with a giggle.

"Hi," he greeted, a huge bunny smile on his face. You weren't sure why he was grinning so wide, suspecting some kind of trap - until you realised he was just happy to have you in his arms. Your legs had gone to straddle both of his hips, and your arms wound around his neck.

"Who were you talking to?" you let your fingers brush gently over his shoulders, lingering on his tattoos.

"My parents," he replied, hands finding your hips. "Eomma rings me at the same time every Sunday night."

"That's adorable," you laughed a little. "Such a cute little bunny rabbit."

Jungkook regarded you with some withheld emotion in his eyes, but you didn't think it was annoyance this time at the nickname. You couldn't work out what it was - and the fact that he didn't speak only made it more difficult to decipher.

Something strange stirred in your stomach. Maybe it was the alcohol, or how gorgeous he looked in the sunset light, but you had never wanted him more than you did in this moment.

"Your hair is getting long," you mused now, letting his soft raven waves fall through your fingers. When you brushed them against his scalp, you heard the hum of satisfaction that lodged in his throat. "I like it."

"Woah, okay," Jungkook beamed up at you at the rare compliment, amused. "Someone's had a drink or two."

"I'm not drunk," you huffed, prodding his chest. "I'm just tipsy."

Jungkook just laughed at this, and you narrowed your eyes. "What?"

He shrugged, hands squeezing your waist. "Nothing. I just like it when you do this."

"Do what?"

A tentative smile crossed his face. "Act all huffy and in charge, when you're literally trying to fuck my thigh again without me noticing," he smirked. He was looking down at where your legs straddled his. 

As if trying to betray you, your hips seemed to move of their own volition, shifting ever so slightly against his groin. You both let out a short exhale at that. 

Stupid horny hips giving me away, you internally grumbled.

Jungkook was still smiling victoriously when he looked up at you. "Sometimes I think you're like one of those hard candy lollipops. Crack you open, and you're all soft inside. Just a needy little sub who wants daddy to get her off."

Any other time, you would have a sharp comeback for him at this - not right now. All you seemed to be able to think about was how good he'd made you feel yesterday, and how quickly you could have a repeat of it tonight. The desire pulsed low and heavy in your core.

But something was weighing on your mind before you could act on it.

"What's wrong?" Jungkook pushed when you didn't reply to his teasing. "You shy now? You weren't shy with that guy you were running your hands all over earlier."

Victoriously noting the way he spat out that word, you bit your lip innocently. "Kookie, you should know by now I'm just doing that to rile you up. You really think I was ever going anywhere except your bed this evening?"

The slight annoyance in his expression disappeared when you said this. It was perhaps a little more honest than you would usually be with him - but you were numerous shots of rum down, and you could just blame it on that when you were reviewing this in the morning.

Jungkook was leaning into you now, eyes hooding. "My bed this evening, hm? I'm holding you to that," he murmured, chin tilting to capture your lips smoothly.

"Wait," you placed a finger at his mouth to stop him just before he did. "There's one thing I want to do before we get there."

"Oh?" he raised an eyebrow, expecting some kind of trick. "What's that?"

"I think I want to talk to Taehyung," you admitted quickly before you could stop yourself, cheeks colouring.

You'd been thinking about it all day, ever since your talk with Jungkook over breakfast. Despite his unorthodox methods of convincing you, he made a good point. It had been long enough now, and you didn't want this frosty silence between you to continue. 

Besides, you were convinced that talking about Taehyung with Jungkook wasn't healthy. It meant more entwining of your personal and sexual lives, something you were fighting to keep separate to ensure no hurt feelings at the end of this holiday. If you spoke to Taehyung and cleared the air, you and Jungkook could go back to just having sex, without you feeling vulnerable or in need of his help.

A smile rose over Jungkook's face now, and that was another reason in itself. You knew Jungkook would be proud of you for doing it.

"Okay," he nodded. "In that case, I'll make you a deal."

As he said this he leaned in to you a little, his mouth finding your ear as his hands gripped your hips over his, molding against his groin with delicious friction.

"You go and talk to Taehyung," he issued in a low, firm voice, doe eyes trained on you. He sounded so sure of himself that it was almost as if he'd grown up in the last week alone. "And when you come back, daddy will take you to bed and make you come."

Deal, you could practically hear your ovaries screaming. Where do I sign?

The words sent a thrill of desire through you. This was a different game to the ones you'd played before; now, it was about reward, not punishment. A small voice reminded you that you were doing all of this to help Jungkook, and this would be good practice for him of something you hadn't done before - but really, right now, all you could think about was how good this would be for you.

If you could be brave and have this conversation with Taehyung, Jungkook would make it worth your while. He might even call you a good girl.

And you wanted that, very, very badly. So badly, you didn't think you could wait til you got back to the house.

"Does it have to be a bed you take me to?" you mouthed against his ear now, letting your kisses trail down below it. "I can be done with that conversation very quickly, you know. We could do this here."

"Little one," he warned, though a rumble of satisfaction echoed when your lips met his neck. "I really don't think you want me to do that."

"I really think I do," your hands began to creep down his abdomen, which was still gloriously bare. Beneath you, your pesky hips were rolling against his; only slightly, but it was enough to work you both up. You were being needier than usual tonight, you knew that, and the brat inside you would have been unimpressed - but she'd been put to sleep by too much rum, and you were glad, because you wanted him right here on this beach where anyone might discover you.

But Jungkook didn't budge on this one, grabbing your hands and holding them still just above his bellybutton as he narrowed his doe eyes at you. "You really want to do this here? With all this sand? It's not exactly the height of comfort."

You huffed. Jungkook was infuriatingly right. 

"I hate it when you make a good point," you informed him, the rum making you more honest than usual.

Jungkook grinned, his hands going to your hips now. "How about, if you go talk to Tae, I'll make you come later with just..."

His tongue swiped out over your ear lobe ever so lightly, sending sparks to your core.

"...my mouth," he finished, the lobe caught gently between his teeth.

Fuck.

The memory of Jungkook lapping a melted ice cube from between your folds returned in vivid colour, and your clit throbbed. It was a decision that didn't really require any consideration.

"You've got yourself a deal, junior," you managed, pulling back from him and reaching out a hand to shake his formally. Jungkook laughed, obliging to your strange gesture.

His amusement faded a little when you hiccuped. "Hang on... should you really be talking to Taehyung if you're drunk?"

"Tipsy."

"Fine, tipsy," he corrected with a roll of his eyes. "You sure that's a good idea?"

"To be honest, Kookie, I think I need at least a few drinks in me for that conversation," you sighed, staring into the distance. "So now would be a great time, actually."

Jungkook squeezed your hips in his hands, his doe eyes shining with dusky light. "Okay, so what are you waiting for? Go."

He smacked your butt lightly for good measure as you rose, and you grinned down at him.

The smile stayed on your face long after you crawled out of Jungkook's lap, walking away from him with a laugh as you rounded the sheltering rocks the pair of you had been sitting behind. But it didn't take long before the smile was fading, replaced by a bitten, anxious lip. The nerves had sunk back in, dulled only a little by the rum in your veins.

And yet you couldn't stop now that you were striding over to where he was sat. Not when you had talked this through, and you could see that it was the right decision. Not when Jungkook was so proud of you for doing this.

Besides, the alcohol was making you braver. So you kept walking, until you reached him.

When you tapped his shoulder, he glanced up from his conversation with Yoongi. Seeing who it was, his amber eyes filled with bewilderment and hope.

"Hi," Taehyung said, searching your face for any clue of why you were there.

"Hi," you replied quietly, gazing down at him. "Can we talk?"

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"I'm sorry I didn't do this earlier," you said, turning to eye Taehyung.

The moment you apologised, you sort of hated that you'd done it. You knew you'd been harsh to blank him for the first three weeks of this trip, but the ugly feelings of rejection and shame that had risen inside you at the sight of him had been nearly unbearable. And still, you couldn't help saying sorry to him for needing space.

Something about Taehyung always made you act a little strange. A little less like yourself. He had the ability to make you bend over backwards for him without even asking you to - something you did for few people, especially men.

Taehyung glanced down at you now where you were walking side by side, grinning sadly. "It's okay. I get it," he replied softly. "I'm the one who should be apologising anyway."

"I know you tried to apologise the other day, but what are you apologising for?" you pressed him, and Taehyung turned to you in your peripheral, though you didn't gaze back. It was a good thing you were walking together, because you didn't know if you could make eye contact with him while you did this. "I need to know what you think you did wrong."

He nodded, and you braced yourself for what might be one of the most difficult conversations of your life.

"I handled everything in such a shitty way," he began. His voice was deep and sorrowful, and it made your stomach ache. 

You had missed his voice so much.

"I was feeling so many different things back then," he continued, wringing his hands with nerves. "And it made me do something awful. And then to text you like that afterwards... I should have come and told you myself, made sure you were okay. I definitely shouldn't have done that over the phone."

Already, the emotion was beginning to choke you at his words, and you pushed down the tears that pricked at your eyes.

"Tae, I don't care so much about you not wanting to be with me," you told him with a thicker voice than before. You were glad that the sunset was fading into night, so it might hide your reactions. "It hurt at the time, but I could have gotten over that. I care because you lied to me."

"I never lied to you," he said insistently, turning to look at you.

"Yes you did," your voice was calm, but stiff, as if any emotion might burst the dam of the rest of them. "You told me you felt the same way. You made me stay with you that night. And then the next morning... you were gone."

There was silence for a moment, and you knew you had to continue. To let it all off your chest.

"That's why it stung so much. Why I couldn't talk to you before," you began, remembering his apology on the mountain. "I know you're sorry. I think I've known for a long time. But it was so hard to accept that you had just fucked me and then left me there, with no explanation except a shitty text a week later. I was so fucking humiliated."

Taehyung's face crumpled a little at this, and the blood pounded in your ears as he seemed to realise exactly what he had done wrong. It felt good to finally be getting this out in the open, but your hands still trembled, and the tears felt like they still might fall.

"Shit, I really did fuck this up," he groaned into his hand, before he removed it and came to a stop completely.

You had no choice but to do the same, though you kept your eyes cast down low. 

"I didn't lie," he insisted again when you didn't speak. "I did feel the same way, and I hate that you'd think I was just saying that to... to make you stay with me for one more night."

"If you felt the same way," you mumbled back, "I don't understand why you left."

"Because I've seen it before," he replied urgently. He was gazing down at you and it took everything in you not to meet his eye. "I've watched so many of the hyungs have flings that go south because they just can't commit to the time and care that should go into a healthy or loving relationship. By the time we met, I had basically given up on finding anything serious in my lifetime. And then you came along, and it changed. I wanted it so badly - but I felt so undeserving of you. I felt like... it was better to let you go. Better that you move on, and find someone who could give you everything I never could."

As he spoke, you remembered the words he had spoken on that awful night. The ones that had nearly broken your heart.

I can never commit to you. Not the way you want me to. 

Back then, you'd thought he meant he had someone else. Then, you figured it was because he didn't feel the same way. But all this time, it was because he didn't want to subject you to a life of never seeing him. Of secrecy, and NDAs, and perpetually waiting for him to come to town only to steal a few hours with him in a hotel room, and nothing more. 

There was a tiny part of you that could see he was right. That could understand why he had done it. 

It didn't mean you could forgive him. But the rum was blurring all of your lines right now, making you more sympathetic than you had been before.

"I understand," you said eventually, in a very small voice. You managed to raise your gaze to his mouth, but still couldn't meet his eye. "I'm not saying I forgive you, but I understand why you did it."

"It doesn't make what I did okay," he clarified, though your words seemed to have granted him a little relief. "I still fucked up in the way I handled it, and I will be trying to fix it for a very long time. But I want you to know the truth, and the truth is not that I didn't feel the same way. Because I did. I really did."

Finally, you looked up to meet his eye.

His amber orbs were alight. They had an earnest, almost vibrating quality to them, as if he were trying to convince you with just this reflection of his soul that he was telling the truth.

Something uneasy stirred inside you.

"Back then, I didn't want to face the truth," he continued, his voice taking on a firmer quality as he took a step closer. "I wanted to run from it. But I'm done with running."

His lower lip trembled ever so slightly, as if he was nervous about what he was about to say. You had an awful feeling you knew what it was.

Stomach churning, you tried to tell him no, were opening your mouth to say it, but he beat you to it.

"The thing is, I loved you," he admitted, amber eyes almost alight with fervour. "I didn't know it then, or else I never would have gone. But looking back, I know I did. I loved you."

You nearly crumpled under the weight of this revelation. 

Stop him! a voice inside you screamed. It seemed to know that there was more to come. But the words wouldn't form to stop him, perhaps impeded by the rum flowing in your bloodstream, or the face that his amber eyes burned so brightly against the moonlit sky.

Different words came instead. Words you definitely shouldn't be saying - because you weren't sure you were able to cope with the answer. 

"Do you still?" you asked, eyes not leaving his. "Feel... like that?"

Taehyung delivered his final blow with an unhesitating nod.

"Yes," he murmured. "Of course I do."

The aftermath of him dropping this bomb was still resounding when he dropped the next one, cupping your cheek in his palm, pressing his mouth onto yours.

He's so different from Jungkook. That was the only thing that came to your mind as everything else was wiped blissfully blank with the feel of his lips on yours once more. The kisses were slower and more measured, as if he were deliberating it all before he did it; yet still you sensed the urgency and passion in his movements. 

It was all so familiar.

The years were unwinding with every slant of his lips. Suddenly it was like you were back with him in the throes of your short-lived entanglement; the kisses in the sheets, the late night conversations, the honey-skinned limbs wrapped around yours.

But winding back the years also meant reliving that night. And not even Taehyung's mesmerising kisses or heartfelt words could make you forget that so quickly.

"Tae," you drew back after a few seconds. Your hands came up to rest on his chest between you, holding him at a safe distance from your lips. "I... don't think..."

But even as you were saying it, staring into his gorgeous amber eyes, your resolve was waning. 

Isn't this what you had wanted, two years ago? So what if it was two years too late? Did that really matter, if he came around eventually?

Yes, came a voice from inside your head. Of course it matters. He betrayed your trust. He let you down. He-

He was sorry.

He loved you.

And didn't Jungkook himself say that Taehyung was a good guy, who deserved a chance?

The thought of Jungkook was what made you jolt out of your reverie. Thinking of him now was like being lost in a hazy dream, and having the first inkling that it wasn't reality at all, right before waking. You wondered if he was watching and glanced over Taehyung's shoulder, but noticed that you couldn't see the group at all in the darkness except for the dimmed campfire. 

It also meant that they couldn't see you, which was more relieving than it should have been.

The confusion ebbed and flowed in your brain. Is this what Jungkook had meant when he'd urged you to come and speak to Tae? Did he want you to do this? Or would he feel betrayed? 

And why were you so worried that this would hurt Jungkook? After all, in three weeks' time, Jungkook would be in Seoul, with the woman he was pining for, and you would return to Daegu alone. 

You don't have to go back alone, came a small voice in your head. 

Taehyung could sense your mental resolve disappearing as he gazed at you. He captured your wrist in his hand, raising it from his chest to his lips, and pressed a featherlight kiss to your fingertips.

You nearly melted in his grip at the gesture.

"I missed you, love," he murmured, letting your hand drop from his mouth. "So much."

The words were almost a direct echo of that last night you had spent together. You'd longed for more of him that night. More of him the next morning. More of him forever.

And here he was. Giving it to you.

He was leaning back in to kiss you again, palm sliding along your cheek once more, and at first you thought you wouldn't be able to stop him, until the words rose in your throat uncontrollably and-

"I slept with Jungkook," you blurted out.

Taehyung's hand dropped from your face, his expression stunned.

"Sleeping with," you corrected, before you could stop yourself. "I... I'm sleeping with Jungkook."

The silence was loud and tense. You could hear your heartbeat in your ears.

"Oh," Taehyung replied. He had stiffened a little. "I mean... to be honest, I sort of guessed."

You raised an eyebrow. "You did?"

Taehyung nodded, letting out an exhale. "Yeah. You guys are all over each other."

Your cheeks burned a little in embarrassment, but you couldn't say you were too surprised about this; especially given Jungkook's little show at breakfast this morning.

"Is it serious?" Taehyung asked. By your sides, his fingertips were brushing yours.

"No," you replied instantly, stomach twisting. Despite the headfuck of the last few days, this was still a temporary agreement, after all. "It's... sort of hard to explain."

Taehyung gave you a small grin. "Funny. He said exactly the same thing."

Your gaze was incredulous. "You spoke to him about me?"

"Yeah," Taehyung nodded. "I was jealous, I guess, even though I had no right to be. You spend so much time together, and you wouldn't speak to me, and... anyway, I couldn't help myself and I asked him. He was pretty cryptic about it, but he did say it was casual."

Perhaps it was the rum, but the thought of Jungkook telling Taehyung that what you were doing was just casual made your stomach ache.

You tried not to read too much into it. This had, after all, been a highly confusing conversation.

"I want to make this right," Taehyung said now, his eyes earnest and determined. "I want to try and make this up to you. But I don't want to get tangled in something that's going to hurt you or Jungkook."

For a moment you were impressed by his care and consideration of his friends - until you realised his true meaning. 

Taehyung wanted another chance.

And he didn't want Jungkook in the way when he got it.

Nausea rose inside you. You didn't want to be the woman who pitted two friends against each other. It wasn't your thing. Probably, Jungkook wouldn't care - after all, his relationship with you was purely sexual - but it still felt wrong.

And besides, the thought of telling Jungkook the agreement you had was off? That was terrifying.

"I... Tae, what me and Jungkook are doing... I don't want to stop that," you said firmly. "I know it seems strange considering it's nothing serious, but... it's..."

"Hard to explain?" Taehyung offered with a teasing smile.

"Well, yes," you replied, but realised it was far bigger than that. "As far as Jungkook goes, yes. But Tae, also, I honestly don't know if I even want to try this again with you. Or if I do... I don't know if I'm ready for it right now."

A pained expression came across Taehyung's face, but he nodded in resignation. "Oh. Yeah. I mean... I understand."

"I mean, that was really fucked up," you continued, unable to stop now that you'd let on about Jungkook. The words just flowed out of you. "I deserve so much better and you treated me like shit. That's not the way you treat someone you supposedly love. It's would be hard for me to trust anyone again who had done that."

At this, you thought you saw Taehyung flinch, sorrow in his amber eyes, and felt a little bad for having been so harsh.

"I'm not trying to hurt you," you murmured, a little quieter this time. "Or say that you're lying about how you feel. I just... hate leaving things unsaid, and I'd rather say this to you now so you know exactly where we are."

Taehyung nodded, a slight glint of amusement crossing his features. "Yeah, I know. I always liked that about you. You tell it straight."

It took everything in you not to point out that the only reason you were in this mess, was because Taehyung didn't tell it straight in the first place. But you would have to put that aside now if you were going to move on.

Could you do it? Forgive it all, and grant him a second chance?

You weren't sure. Your head was spinning, scattering your thoughts far and wide.

And in the back of every one of them there seemed to burn an image of Jungkook.

"It's not a no," you clarified, needing to get away from Taehyung to clear your head. "It's just a no for now, okay? And maybe it will become a yes someday, or maybe it won't, but I don't want you to wait around for me, or-"

"Don't worry," Taehyung cut you off, his smile understanding as he squeezed your hand. "I get it. But if I'm being honest too, I don't think I want anyone else right now."

You nodded, blushing a little. If he didn't want to see other people, it was his decision. You'd made your own situation clear enough.

"Can we be friends, for now?" he offered with a small smile. "We never really got to be friends before. Only if you're cool with it, though."

"Is that a good idea?" you wondered aloud, shifting a little uneasily. "I mean... to be clear, I don't intend on stopping what Jungkook and I are doing, or hiding it from you. Are you gonna be okay with that?"

It struck you as you said this, how ironic it was. That Taehyung had hurt you so badly all those years ago, and yet here you were, making sure he didn't feel bad about something you had every right to do. 

He still had so much power over you, and he didn't even realise it.

"If that's what you want," Taehyung nodded slowly, though a steely look had formed in his eyes. "Then yes. I'm not gonna be like some jealous ex, love. I promise."

You didn't know whether to be annoyed at him making another promise after to failing to keep his last one, or to forgive him entirely because he had called you love.

"Okay," you nodded, swallowing hard, knowing you needed to get away from him now and clear your head. "Okay. Friends it is."

Taehyung grinned at you, and this time, it was the huge boxy grin - the one you hadn't seen in years. 

You hated the way your heart squeezed when you saw it. 

"Thank you," he said now. "For doing this tonight."

Waving him off, you began to walk back towards the campfire. "It was well overdue," you grimaced, trying to act as normal as possible with a thousand things flying through your mind. "Now come on - I think we're missing a party back there."

He was still grinning as he fell into step with you again.

This time, the silence as you walked was more comfortable, but a war was raging in your head. No thought seemed to be able to sit still, and it infuriated you that you couldn't properly think the situation through. 

You knew it was probably the alcohol. That, and the fact that Taehyung was still beside you; you needed to get away from him to properly think about it. The sensible decision would be to get back to the campfire, find Nia, and explain everything. She always knew what to do. And then, once you'd spoken to Nia and felt better, you could go back to Jungkook's room tonight as promised, emotions and feelings safely compartmentalised.

If only things were truly that easy. 

After all, you were tipsy and emotional. You were always going to end up making the wrong decision. 

Because in that moment, there was only one thing in the world that was going to make you feel better - and it was rum.

Lots of it.

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