Day 54- Miserable

So today's the last day huh...I don't know how to feel about this. I'm happy but I'm also sad to leave such a beautiful place. Just one more day and we will be gone like the wind. Like lovely autumn leaves.

I don't think I can ever forget Hakone since there are so many memories already etched in my mind of it. And also memories I'm not sure if I want to keep them or not...

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

I sat up straight from my messy futon and called out, "Who is it?"

"It's me...Gray."

Gray? What brings him here so early in the morning?

"Come in..." I pushed back my scruffy hair and waited for him to enter. The door slid open, gradually revealing his face. He cracked a soft smile at me before entering the room and closing the door back again. I adjusted myself a little and straightened out the futon for him to sit.

"Sorry to disturb you so early...I just figured you would be awake and lucky me, you are," He chuckled timidly, "I couldn't sleep last night..."

"Why?" I asked as he placed himself across me. Legs crossed and hands clamped together.

"Because I was thinking about you."

"About...me?"

"Yes, I don't think that's something you need to be shocked about," He laughed again, this time embarrassingly.

"Hm, to be honest, I am not," I said. I tightened my crossed legs as I felt a slight knot in my stomach. Seeing Gray sit in front of me made me feel...tricky. I don't know what I was feeling but it was somewhere on the line of discomfort and slight happiness.

"It's funny...how we know each other's feelings yet we are not revealing them completely."

"I don't think it's funny. I think it's only natural," I was trying to stay calm and I think I was doing a pretty good job at that.

"Of course, it's only natural," He repeated and nodded.

"Is...is there something you want to talk to me about?" I finally asked. It would be rather easy for the both of us to get to the point instead of beating around the bush in this sort of situation.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do," He sighed and ruffled the back of his hair, "But, I don't know if my actions will give me joy or sadness..."

"It does depend on your action," I raised an eyebrow and he scoffed, "Yeah...I'm having second thoughts now."

"Why don't you just spill it and we'll see where your actions take you?" I suggested and shrugged.

"There's a ninety-nine point nine percent chance my actions will take me to a dead end," He laughed again, this time nervously.

I sighed, "You will never know until you really say it."

"True..."

"So?"

"I—can you close your eyes...?"

"Close my eyes...why?"

"Just do—no, wait...don't close your eyes."

"Huh?"

"I am a manly man...not a cowardly man. I can do this while facing you...I have to do this while looking into your eyes," Gray stared into my eyes like I was the only thing in this room he could see. Like I was the ink dot on a blank paper or a speck of dust on a shiny vase.

"Erza...I know your feelings, I know them too well to doubt my own...but as far as I know much about myself, I'm not the type to give up so easily."

What is he saying...? Somehow, I'm afraid of where this conversation might end up at...

"I am well aware that you have these uncontrollable feelings for Jellal and that you want to spend your entire life with him—but, what I'm trying to say is...Get out of this blindness and look at the light...I'm standing right here because I am certain that I love you more than him—"

"Stop Gray," I said as impassively as I could. His words...they pierced right through me like an arrow. Just because he loves me he can't say that Jellal doesn't love me more than him. I know that Jellal loves me more than he loves himself. He just doesn't reveal everything too fast, "Where are you going with this conversation?"

"I think you know where I'm going with this conversation," He said. His eyes slowly calming into a raging wave of jealousy and angst.

"You have no right to judge Jellal."

"We are rivals in love, I think I do."

"Gray please...can you stop with all this and let me choose who I want to spend my life with?" I was breaking down. It was slow but I was and I didn't like it. I didn't like my tone of speaking to him and I didn't like how my body was shaking from all this weird sensation I was feeling, most probably, anger.

"I think it's already decided who you're going to spend your life with," He looked at my ring for a second before looking straight back at me.

I looked at the ring too. It was shining under the sunrays and it looked so wonderful...I felt a pinch in my chest when I had two options in my mind. A) Remove the ring and give it back to Gray and B) Keep the ring and just accept that it's life.

I wasn't sure with either because on one side there's Jellal and on the other there's my mom and dad's promise!

"Erza, I think you should think over your decisions...it's only best for the three of us..." Gray got up with a heavy sigh and walked towards the door, "I'm sorry if I ever offended you but why can't you hear my voice and why are you so blinded by his love that you can't see what's in front of you? I'm screaming my heart out for you to love me yet you run to the person who turns a blind eye to you...say, did he say, 'I love you' to you even once...? Did he?" And I could feel my eyes opening the water works any time now. Gray left the room without hearing out my answer and left me in my room like an abandoned toy.

This feeling I was feeling was the type of feeling when someone rejects your confession... It was as if I was the one rejected. As if I didn't deserve the love of any of them right now and in fact, I don't think I do because all I'm doing is keeping myself in the dark. Why did Gray's words hurt so much when he means nothing to me? Why does it hurt when I'm with Jellal and not with Gray...?

I ran my sweaty hands through my hair but suddenly noticed something in front of me. There sat a small, white folded paper blankly. But in some way, I could feel it calling out to me. It was screaming with its hands raised high in the air, "Erza! Look at me! Open me!"

I couldn't help but chuckle on my own weird imagination and eventually, grabbed the paper and unfolded it out of absolute curiosity.

There were words written in Italic that made my calm heart beat once again as if it was going to jump right out and run away.

"Erza, if you truly have feelings for me, come to Hakone Museum before dusk. If you don't then I shall take that as an answer and disappear from your sight...forever."

I could see my fingers tightening around the tips of the paper, my lips pursing itself deeper into my lower lip and my chest crunching a million times.

In a matter of seconds, I jumped up from my seat and headed out of my room. Looking at either sides, I only saw an empty hallway and an open bedroom of Jellal and Gray.

I rushed over to the room and peeked inside. There was no one.

Quickly I turned around guessing Gray would be outside when right then I bumped into someone. Reflexively bowing fairly to apologize I tried to run away for some reason—maybe to find Gray—but that someone unexpectedly held my wrist.

I shot my gaze at the individual and realized that it wasn't just an individual. It was the love of my life. He was wearing a robe and his hair was all wet and drippy and his hand was warm which concludes that he just came back from the hot spring. Does he have to look handsome every single time? I can't help but fangirl at his sexiness...What the hell am I thinking! I need to find—

"Oi, peeking into a guy's room? What do you think you're doing?" He asked.

"I'm sorry, Fernandes," I bowed my head.

"Why are you here though?"

"I, uh..." Well, If I tell him the truth (That I wanted to actually meet Gray) It would probably annoy the hell out of him so I should play safe! "Came to see what you were doing..." I smiled hesitantly.

"Hm? Why?"

"Because—to ask you where we were going today--"

"We're not going anywhere," He lazily let go of my wrist and walked inside his room, "I just found out that today there's going to be a riot of some kind near the hill top. It's a nuisance plus all the stores will be closed for a few days but fortunately, we will be leaving tomorrow morning so today is nothing but a lazy day," He stopped near his closet and looked at me, "Are you going somewhere?"

"A riot huh...ah, nah, I'm not going anywhere..." I lied. Why did I lie to him? I shouldn't have lied to him, right?

"Hm...you should stay in your room then, it's not safe to be out," He said still staring at me.

"Got it!" I nodded cutely.

"Are you going to stay there until I change now?"

"Oh! S-sorry! I will leave now!" I closed the door, turned around and breathed heavily. Touching my cheeks to cool it down, I finally decided to search for Gray before the clock ticks six.

I didn't know why I was looking for him. Why I was getting so nervous and tensed and scared when he said he would...disappear forever. There were so many questions in my head that needed answering but no one that could actually answer them. One moment I feel like crying and the next, I just want to be cuddled in Jellal's arms.

What am I doing wrong? Everything seems so bitter...

Running my way to Hakone museum breathlessly, my mind was only on one direction. To meet Gray. I don't know what I would do after I meet him but I don't want him to disappear...not yet!

The sun was setting and Hakone looked so different than yesterday. The shops, the cheers, the loud noises, everything went silent as though it had been abandoned for quite a while. As if I was living in a night mare...as if this was all an illusion...But no, I don't want to think such scary thoughts right now because I have other things I need to take care of. Though, I surely don't feel safe when no one is around except the sun and the stars.

Slowly, my pace slowed down as I got near the museum. There was no one outside and possibly, there would be no one inside since there was a huge chain outside the gates to prevent any intruders. I looked around a lot, well, a lot in specific is the entire museum perimeter but all I could see were strange statues...no Gray.

I sat on the nearest bench to finally catch my breath but still looked around.

Did Gray...disappear already? No...he couldn't have because he didn't hear me out yet. He said he will disappear once he listens to my answer—

My eyes were suddenly darkened by a layer of warm skin and bones. They weren't slender like his but they were sharp and muscular. I let out a sigh of relief and maybe, my lips curved up a bit. Touching his hand, I got up and just as he removed his hand from my eyes, I turned around.

He was standing there with a 'I knew you would come' smile. All cool and mighty.

"I knew you would come," He laughed and I could sense a pinch of proudness in his vibrations.

I rolled my eyes and pouted, "You...scared me."

"I'm sorry if I did but I was being honest in that note. Tell me your answer and my actions will depend," He moved towards me and lethargically sat. He gently grabbed my finger tips and tugged it a little to signal me to sit down as well. Anyway, I sat beside him and just stared in front of me. What a dead evening it was. There were no people around us. Just trees and creepy statues and a fountain that had a pretty serene sound to the atmosphere.

"So?" Gray spoke, "What's your answer?"

I didn't look at him, more like I couldn't. Just hearing his voice makes my heart thud, "Listen Gray..." I began but then he scoffed, "So you're starting with 'listen Gray' huh...I think I expected this."

"Hear me out, will you?"

"Of course I will."

"I don't want you to disappear forever just because I don't choose you over him."

"Then should I assume this is a rejection rather than a confession?"

"Just...stop talking for a minute and listen to what I have to say..."

Gray slightly slumped his shoulders and nodded.

"Thank you. The thing is...like you said, I love Jellal more than you and I'm completely blinded by his love and damn, I'm sure as hell that I won't be getting out of his love any time soon but I don't want you to disappear just because I don't want to marry you. You're a good guy, you got the looks, the charm and if I hadn't been in love with Jellal perhaps...We would have already been married. What I'm trying to say is...I don't want to break your heart but marrying you will only hurt us both. I don't want to live my life thinking of someone else while I'm with you. I don't want to have any regrets in my life because regret is the last thing that makes a person miserable...I don't want us to become miserable. I want us to be happy and this is the only way. Not you disappearing nor me kicking you out of my house, but we should break up with a mutual understanding so that neither of us gets hurt...I don't know how I can say these things calmly but I love you too Gray...not just as much as I love Jellal..."

Finally, I turned my head towards him and noticed that he was looking at me the entire time I was blabbering. I think I was holding my tears back because Gray was pretty unfocused in my eyes. I took a deep breath and held his hand, "I'm sorry...I really am..."

He didn't speak anything or maybe he was just thinking of what to retort but he looked so sad, so unhappy just because of my words...

And then he softly patted the back of my palms and cracked a tiny, hopeless smile, "You don't need to apologize, Erza."

"Gray..."

"I get you. I really do and being honest, knowing that your love is greater than mine makes me want to take Jellal's place...I don't want to say this but maybe...you both should be together now. I might as well retreat and it's disappointing but do I have a choice...? What you said is true, living our life in regret would be wretched."

He understands...I didn't know he would be so thoughtful...I just broke his heart, didn't I?

"But anyway—" He got up and looked back at me, "I'm glad I got to spend some time with you. Fun times."

I looked down at my ring and all I could see was a white blotch of nothingness. The ring suddenly meant nothing to me, like it was not an engagement ring but just a beautiful diamond ring.

Surprisingly, I noticed Gray's hand on top of mine, covering the ring as if he didn't want me to look at it anymore. He had knelt before me with a smile that assured me that he was out of the scene for good, "Take it off, Erza," I don't know if it was just me but his voice...cracked, "It's okay...just remove it and end all of this."

But I didn't want to remove the ring. I didn't want to shatter his heart and I didn't want him to disappear...

"Don't make this hard for you and me both," He said sternly and I couldn't help but nod. After all, it was my decision anyway.

And promptly, as I slid off the ring from my finger I felt like a part of my heart or my soul was being pulled out from inside of me. As if the grim reaper was here to take me away and as though my life was ending.

"But this is not the end..." He said, "It's only the beginning. You have a whole life ahead of you, don't waste it on me..." He chuckled but fakely.

I held the ring between my index and thumb and stared at it like it was a piece of spectacular art. However, Gray gently snatched it from me and sighed. He placed the ring in his pocket, out from my sight, out from our sight and gazed into my eyes.

"Erza...Can you do me one last favor before we part ways?"

Without thinking I nodded.

"Then...let me kiss you for the first and last time."

And I should have refused it but I didn't. It was not right but I didn't say anything and just nodded again like a robot who was obliging to its master's demands.

Gray intertwined his hands with mine tightly. Tightly as in 'I don't want to let you go but I have to...'. He then pushed me back as tenderly as he could and leaned in forward. And as he got closer to me, I closed my eyes and I knew he didn't because I could feel him staring at me melancholically.

I just hoped that this painful ache in my chest would end sooner...

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