Quality over quantity

Daisy Clark-Battle scars, Declan J Donovan-Numb

*It's our turn now.' I reach for her hands and bring them together. 'You'll have the life you deserve.' I turn at her for a second and catch her crying. I can tell off of her expression that she has second thoughts. 'I swear to God, no one is going to hurt you!' She keeps looking out the window and I can just see her blank face full of tears fading more and more with each passing second. 'That, I promise you.' She zones out and looks at me. Her eyes light up as if nothing happened and her face looks more beautiful than ever, even with her bruises that make my heartache and those swollen up eyes, she is still the picture of perfection.

'Thank you.' My chest feels a slight tingle as it starts to warm up. Her state made me a firm believer and her smile made me realize that this is it, we are finally free! We can feel safe, we are going to be safe and as of now I don't have this massive pressure among me that's been holding me captive, stumbling in constant fear. This time I just know that everything will be alright!

'EL!!' Her scream makes me jump out of my bubble before those lights shine right at us. Before I could do anything, the tires start squeaking as the smell of burnt tires spreads over the highway. Every single window shatters down as the car starts shifting. Our bodies move to the left but the belts hold us in place. Every action, every sound or voice is slowed down. Even if it's only probably been 10 seconds, it feels like 10 minutes of torture! My stomach doesn't feel nauseous as it does other times when I'm scared. This time the fear spreads across my chest, starting at my heart and spreading all over. I close my eyes and start saying to myself; just stop! I want this to stop! Stop spinning, just end this! Soon enough the car stops and I manage to open my eyes. I look to the side and find her laying on her seat, covered in blood and glass. I automatically reach for her but before I could, I feel dizzy as everything around me moves in circles becoming one big black hole that just succked me in for good.*

My eyes widen as, all of a sudden, breathing became too much to handle. Fuck! I brush through my hair with my hand as I try to rub this nightmare away! My hands are still shaking making me annoyed with the state I'm at. Pictures from that night start flashing back even if I open my eyes. I find myself stumbling across the room, covering my eyes, trying to make it go away. I can hear the glass shuttering loudly as the whole room appears darker. I can feel my heart stopping as fear runs through my chest, killing everything inside of me.

'God, look at me!' After remembering every single detail from that night, I felt a pair of warm soft hands holding my arms together, making me stop shaking. The vision becomes clearer as the sounds in my head fade away. I look up and find a pair of blue eyes narrowed down, filled with worry looking at me. Why did you have to do that? Fuck! As I get back my senses, I can feel the cold floor we are on.

I can feel my face tighten from the dried-up tears that must have been there ever since I started the dream. I go down to my knees and sit down. He is out of breath, looking at me still holding my arms. My hand finds its place on his cheek as I look up to those beautiful eyes that my nightmare made darker, scared. I don't want him this way and I know damn well why the nightmare happened tonight.

'I have to go see her.' I look into his eyes. They look at me with such kindness, giving me comfort. He doesn't judge a single thing I say. He lets go of my arm, bringing his soft palms to my cheek, stroking it gently. I find myself closing my eyes, just concentrating on my breathing. His touch can calm any kind of storm inside of my body but at the same time, he can set one-off in an instant! I can still hear how hard we laughed yesterday, even when what both of us wanted to do was to run away. I know that I came here to run away from Jenny, but Niall has been running away too, aware of it or not, he is.

As he puts the front pieces of my hair behind my ear, my eyes open, staring directly into his.

'It will be okay.' He leans forward, pressing his soft plump lips on my forehead, placing a gentle kiss. I find myself smiling, trying to hold back the emotions his touch causes but I can't.

He stands up, holding his hand out, waiting for me to reach for it. He knew what to say, and what to do to make me feel okay. Yesterday I felt free, I felt happy and safe even when I'm at my worst. I can feel the goosebumps on my arms as the feeling from that car crash comes back to life.

Some say that in those type of situations, people see their whole life flash right in front of their eyes, but for me that night opened my eyes differently. I remember the way fear was sitting quietly in my stomach, waiting for the car to stop spinning. My head felt empty, as if all of my memories, emotions got erased. Sometimes I think of my body as a self-defence system. Whenever I should be the saddest, happiest, I protect myself by removing everything from my mind.

It would be unfair to say that nothing occupied my mind that night, the real reason why it made me scared so much is because of the only feeling that I could sense at that moment. I remember seeing her sit beside me, her head pressed to the seat, hair filled with tiny bits of glass, blood dripping down her cheeks. The thought of someone that I care so much in my life dying because of me, was the only thing I could feel at that time. If I could choose the fear of dying over the fear of losing someone, I would choose to die rather than to see her disappear right in front of my eyes.

*Niall's POV.*

I start the car as she pulls the seatbelt over her body. Seeing her weak like that makes me worried. I want to help her, let her solve whatever causes such pain at night! I never thought that a girl like her would feel like this, would have to face stuff that makes her shake from fear, cry her eyes out whenever it gets too much. Whenever she's around her friends, or even at work, she is so dominant, decisive, looking stronger than anyone I've ever seen but seeing her fragile like in these past few days makes me scared.

I'm scared that one day, she could crash down to the floor, drenched in tears because of me.

'Thank you.' I shake my head, trying to get back my senses as I push away the thoughts that keep replaying in my head. I look at her for a second and realize that she's still looking out of her window, but talking to me.

I want to say, don't thank me! I want her to know that I would be near her every time, picking her up from that cold ground, wiping the tears off her cheeks, holding her tightly in my arms trying to calm her down! I want to be that guy! I want to, but I don't know if I'm ready to hold such responsibility for someone, to be sure that one day I won't be causing such pain.

I find my grip tightening around the wheel as no words come out. I can't stand this doubt! What the fuck does need to happen for me to be sure once and for all? I feel frustrated with myself but then again she breaks the silence in the car and the noises in my head.

'Jenny came to London just a year ago.' What? I know that, what is she talking about?

'She knows who I am, and her parents. Well, she recalls the majority of her childhood.' I find myself looking at her, eyes wide open, trying to hold back any questions as this topic seems too difficult for her anyway.

'The dream that I had, was about that accident.' She plays with her fingers, trying to stop herself from shaking. She seems uncomfortable, scared.

'Another car crashed into us, we were transferred to a hospital nearby. Well, I don't recall any of it, I just remember waking up there.' She takes a second to breathe before she continues.

'I was fine, but Jenny had severe injuries.' Her hands pressed on her legs, holding onto them tightly, as she tries to control her emotions.

'Her memory was lost, the last thing that she remembers is being in the first year of high school, but the last year of freedom.' She closes her eyes in frustration as tears start building up in those hazel eyes. 'When she woke up, she thought that her parents were still on good terms, that nothing ever happened. Along with her family problems, she forgot the accident as well.' I can see the tear falling down her pale cheek. I can hear her stutter as she holds back everything that's been inside for so long.

'I was so stupid! The thought of someone dying because of me occupied my mind so much!' She is frustrated with herself.  'I was so stupid, blind! I should have told her everything the minute she got better.' Again, I want to say something, but the only thing I do is sit and listen.

'Jennys father, Adam.' Her voice lowers down as she speaks of him. I can feel the frustration growing as he becomes the topic.

'He came up with a deal.' The tears seem to have faded but her anger grew along with her disappointment in herself.

'He suggested to never speak of that night, to make me guilt-free.' She presses her hand onto her head, letting me know that she regrets that decision even after so much time.

'She loves you more than I've seen anyone love their best friend.' She can't keep on feeling guilty, Jenny is alive and well. Why should she feel guilty now?

She looks at me, my words might have pissed her off or gave her comfort, I really can't tell by her expression. She just turns her head back, focusing on the road.

'If a person loves another that much, they can't blame you for-' My phone starts ringing, interrupting me, but at the same time scaring El as if she got back to reality really quickly.

'Mom, what happened?' El turns to me, her eyes narrowed down, showing me worry. This girl! How can she worry about everyone else when she's having so much on her mind?

*Eleanor's POV.*

Niall pulls up, leaving the car right at the entrance. What on Earth? I get out of the car, carefully examining everything around me. Why are we here?

'I'll be just a minute, wait here!' I nod, but he storms in within a second without even giving me a chance to agree. Does his mom work here? I didn't know she was a doctor!

I close the doors and just stay out for a minute, breathing deeply, trying to calm my mind. I need to get my shit together and tell Jenny everything. I don't know how, or where to start but I'm done running away from it.

People look at me as if they've seen a ghost, what the hell? I look down and realize once again how absurd I look! I'm still in my dress, which reveals too much for the daylight. I haven't even realized my skin getting irritated by the wind as it got cold all of a sudden. Oh right! I open the doors and take out the denim jacket from the backseat. I look at it and somehow, it looks familiar? I don't even remember how I got it, or even less who gave it to me. Is it a woman's? I look at it and the sizing is off, it must be from the men's department. I should stop occupying my mind with stupid thoughts, I just pull it over my shoulders as it sits on my body perfectly, covering the whole dress.

*Niall's POV.*

'You scared me!' I punch her slightly on the shoulder in a playfully way. She is always like this, making me worried for her safety when in reality she just needs some minor things.

'Sorry love!' She pats me on the back making me roll my eyes in annoyance. She just needed me to visit a patient that is a fan of mine. I love doing those things but she scares me every fucking time! As if her life depends on it!

'Is that Eleanor?' She points to the doors, leading my eyes in her direction, trying to see what she's on about.

Eleanor pulls the jacket from the backseat and hesitates for a second, I guess it got too cold for that dress, or she felt uncomfortable.

'Oh, yes. We are on our way back to London.' She takes a few steps forward as she examines her properly. How can she even see anything through these doors?

'Her back, did she have a back surgery?' What? I walk to her quickly, looking at El, trying to understand the confusing question but just as I looked at her, the jacket hugs her body completely, covering her whole back. What was that about?

'I... I don't think so.' How am I supposed to know? She would have told me before if she had back problems, I mean I would have realized if it brought her pain on a daily!

'I just, she looked familiar. I mean I had a patient back in America once, she looked just like her, but don't worry I don't think it could be her.' She turns around already looking at the nurse that is about to call her back in. She just nods at her, letting her know that she'll be there soon enough.

'Why?' Her answered bothered me.

'What do you mean why?' She raises her brows in confusion.

'Why could that not be her?' I know that it wasn't her but the tone of her voice, full of sympathy made me feel sorry for whoever she was talking about.

'The truth behind that scar would make her too vulnerable to show it off like that.' She walks away but I follow her step, what?

'People walk with their scars proudly because they make them stronger, reminding them what they can get through but for her... it could remind her how much loving someone could cost.' Why do I feel such sympathy? Why do I even care, I don't know that person, God!

'I guess.' I just stand awkwardly, not sure of why I've been acting this way. She smiles at me, taking my hand into hers.

'You care so much, even when you don't know people. I love that about you son.' Her hand is now on my cheek, holding me dearly, melting my heart. I can't help but smile at her face and how she acts around me as if I'm still a kid! I somehow like it though!

*Eleanor's POV.*

'Ready?' What on-!? I turn around, my hand pressed to my chest as I try to stop my heart from jumping out!

'You!' I point my finger at him as he walks over to his side. His smile adorable but his face somehow disturbed.

'Is everything okay?' I fasten my seatbelt and turn to him, trying to make sure that he isn't lying.

'I love visiting patients, but it is hard on me. Knowing their condition... it makes me sad and even angry knowing that I can't help them.' I can't contain my smile, knowing how much of a good person he is.

'They don't need you to save them, they need you to make their day. Living every day like it's their last, so just now, you made hers special. They say one good day beats a hundred bad ones, but for them, they learned to grab onto every good thing, turning it into something special. You know why?' He shakes his head, leading me to continue.

'They prefer quality over quantity! Who would want to live their last day guided by the bad? Even if their lives aren't long, they are filled with good days which make their lives a thousand times richer than ours, making them happier, making them smarter.' His eyes seem deep, sensitive. His cheeks seem relaxed, as a slight smile appears on his face. Even if it's the smallest kind someone could give, it's the most honest one I've seen on him.

'Easy as that.' I say and look away, trying to stop the talk there, without bringing back the topic from earlier.

*Four hours later*

'Are you sure?' I step out of the car and turn to him.

'No, but I'll manage.' I sigh as the thought of facing Jenny makes my stomach ace. I can already feel the tension building up inside of me as it makes me sick. Whenever I'm stressed or scared, throwing up is unavoidable.

'I'll be at the studio but I'm always just a call away.' I nod and close the doors before he drives off. Even if he might be just a call away, I still can't reach for him when it gets hard.

I turn around, now facing the huge building in front of me. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes, trying to clear my mind. I can do it. The thought of bumping into Chuck makes my stomach worse, but how will I confront Jenny when I can't even get into my hotel?

I move past those thoughts and push open the doors. I've drained this long enough, I have to clean after my mess!

I greet the man behind the desk, trying to move past it as quickly as possible. I changed back into Niall's sweatpants and his sweatshirt as we went to the airport, so the looks that everyone is giving me is well understood.

I manage to get into the elevator without meeting Chuck or his beloved wife! I lean myself on the mirror and just wait for the doors to close so that I could escape for real. I breathe out as a sign of relief as the doors close, leaving me safe. My body aches in every possible way, I feel as if I'll lose any feeling in my legs right now as if they won't be able to cooperate and bring me to my room. 

A loud sound brings me right back to reality as the doors start dividing. Even if I can't feel them, my legs start moving making me grateful for their consideration!

'Oh, my!' I try to balance myself as a tall figure appears in front of me, catching me off guard. I've been in my bubble this whole time, unable to see anything in front of me. As I stepped back, even the smallest amount of balance that I had left in my body, just gave up. Betraying me!  I feel the tingle at the back of my neck, blurring my vision, making my head dizzy.

I get back my senses and all of a sudden, I can feel pressure on my arms. What? I open my eyes, trying to figure if my legs still work or if I collapsed for good. 

A pair of strong hands, hold me tightly by my arms, preventing me from hitting the floor. I put my arms on his and manage to find balance again. I slowly look up, giving myself enough time to calm the dizziness in my head.

His eyes are serious and his face tense. His eyes are strange, I can't figure out the colour or what he's thinking! He remembers me of Chuck but at the same time, they seem so different. His hair is blond but it doesn't seem to be his natural colour. 

'I apologize.' I manage to say, as his grip loosens. I take a step back, not sure how to feel. He seems angry, or just annoyed!

'Get some rest.' He walks past me, right into the elevator. What the fuck?

I quickly turn around, staring at him. Rest? I can't get a single fucking thing from his expression. It's nothing! The doors close but my face is still dazed, looking at the elevator. Do I know him?

I guess I'm just too tired to understand anything anyhow! I open the doors to my room and just try to find any kind of medicine that could help me immediately. I found some tablets for immunity, I guess it could boost me for some time. I drink up and before I do anything else, I dial Eleans number. If I'm about to do this today, I have to start from the bottom.

*Chuck's POV.*

'Why would someone who bailed on her when she needed someone the most appear after such a long time?' I unbutton my jacket and smile at the floor before meet with his furious eyes.

'My actions are non of your business anymore.' He takes a step forward, his hand pointing at me, judging. 'I've been your friend even when you didn't deserve any. I stod by your side, you know I did!' He is getting frustrated now, but all that I can think to myself is how much he always held back. Maybe I wish he didn't.

'Friend? Hyun-woo, you quit out of nowhere, right when I needed you the most. I needed you to take care of her!' I can feel the tension building up in the room. I feel the veins on my neck tightening, making me angry, making me tense.

'I wasn't the one she needed!' What? I take a moment to get this straight. What on earth is he talking about? I feel called out, accused. 'I left so that you would have to go! To be there, that's what she needed!' His voice got even higher, harsher.

'Trust me I wasn't what she needed.' I start feeling guilty. I know that he is right but as well as that is true, I know that I would only cause her more pain than I could prevent her from feeling.

'Who are you to know what she doesn't need?!' He is yelling now. 'You don't know how it's like!' He walks from side to side, making me standstill, following his every step with my eyes. 

'Even if she had every right to break down, to give up, to shatter into million pieces, she never did. I could see the pain in her, when she sat still, without saying a word, without walking! I saw every single thing that happened to her and yet she was the one to take it all, to carry all the weight on her own! I'm sorry but after watching out for her I couldn't let you destroy her anymore so I tried to make you come to your senses but I didn't know that you would keep your head up, doing as you wish once again.'

'Why would you quit if you still took care of her?'

'Because I would rather protect her on my own than let her depend on you ever again! I quit working for you, but I never stopped being your friend. I think that you can't state the same thing! You don't know what's it like, hear her screams even now in my head, finding them both in that fucking car after what Jenny's parent did!' His voice seems lower, sadder, but still loud. 'Don't let her fool herself over again. I said to you that I will protect her from anything even if that something is you. '

I want to punch him, to kill him right now at this spot, but knowing that he's saying the truth, makes me do that to myself. I want to defend myself, to tell him that I couldn't be there, that I couldn't watch her suffer but I know that anything that I say could make me seem right.

'She almost collapsed today when I ran into her right now! They came back half an hour ago, I'm not sure if she knows that Jenny's mother's back. Don't dare to come near her, let her be! Stop fucking showing up, making her believe and then bringing her down back all over again!' He walks to me, meaning every word he said. I know he despites me, I do too. He walks past me, slamming the doors and just walking the fuck away. 

I can't manage to do anything but grab the first thing near my hand and smashing it against the floor. How much pain do we have to get through to finally see clearer, to be free from any shit in life? How much can one take? Fuck!

I apologize for taking so long to post but I'm back baby!

Close up your mind and get into the world I created for you. I hope it lets you get away for at least 5 minutes. 

Remember, life is all about quality so make the best of it!

Love you all! xx