the letter

Harry Edward Styles

"You're probably wondering why I hid this letter here. The reason is simple. I imagine you moved that painting when you're moving out, and I wanted you to read this after you've moved on. Now you may ask why? You'll understand later. If you found this letter years later, I'm so sorry for the waiting.

I can't believe that I had the privilege to meet someone as beautiful and talented as you are. I love you so much. Actually, I don't think it's possible to love someone as much as I love you, in this lifetime or another. I can't find the words to describe the love I have for you. But one thing I do know for sure, that two this beautiful souls don't meet by accident.

I'm sorry for many things. I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry for things that I forgot, things that I thought didn't matter. I'm sorry for not believing you. I'm sorry for the times I got mad without a reason. I'm sorry for the times I left our home while being mad at you. I'm sorry for not letting you finish off your sentences and not giving you a break to give your opinion. I'm sorry for being in your way. I'm sorry for being controlling. I'm sorry for the times I wasn't there. Sorry for the times I couldn't find the right words to say to you. I'm sorry that I had to make you wait for me. I'm sorry for the times I lost your trust. I'm sorry that we never got our wedding. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to stay.

But I hope you're well. I hope you feel better, that you are more stable. I hope you're happy, living the life. That's all I wanted from my life, for you to be happy. I hope I succeeded at that even at some point. And I really hope you won't well on, mourning. At least for not too long. It's more than fine to take your time, but it's not the end of the world. Harry, there is so much out there for you to see and experience. Do what you love, live while you can, before it's too late. And remember to love. I hope you give and find love. Someone,,, you can love. Someone who makes you forget everything else. Someone who makes your stomach flatter and makes you blush. Someone who makes you believe in love. Someone who can go through with it, someone who is strong enough. Maybe you've already found them, maybe it takes time. But you will find someone, I promise.

Isn't it crazy how a person can feel like home? That's how I felt with you, I hope you find that person who makes you feel like that too.

You can't and you shouldn't blame yourself. I know it feels impossible, and I know how cliché it sounds but there was nothing left to do. The problem was my brain, it was sick. Everything you did, we did was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing. Even our bad times. They weren't a reason why, cause in the bad times I still had you. That's what kept me going. Waking up to the thought of you still in my life. You laying on our bed. You making breakfast in the kitchen. You sneaking in to the bathroom while I was taking a shower. You finding your new hobbies and telling me about them all excited. Everything about you is perfect. I wish I could give you one last hug and a kiss your forehead. I wish I could sleep in our bed infront of you. Our faces facing each other. For the last time.

I know how the media seems. They are cruel, and they don't know what they are talking about. Don't listen to them. Please. What we know matters the most. They can't bring you down, they can't darken your soul. Harry, they don't see you like I do. They don't understand how beautiful you are. You keep doing you, whatever that is. Keep doing music, act in movies, start dancing, start painting, (again) or give up on the fame and start living a "normal" life. Whatever you decide, I'll promise to look over you in the sky.

I hope you fall in love with being alive, cause I couldn't. I was burned out. Maybe in the next life, I will be meant to stay, stay with you. But right now, know that I feel better. The fame, the music industry wasn't for me. Never was. I just wanted to be that gay dude from Doncaster. Not worldfame ex-boy bander, who had to hide in a closet. That wasn't the life for me. We both knew I wasn't strong enough. I loved doing music, that's not the problem. I loved every second I had with you on stage, interviews, tour buses, everywhere, but I'd rather had those moments in private. Living a normal life. Management was the one destroying us, not me, not you nor your mental state. Your bipolar has nothing to do with this, never had. I already knew I wasn't going to stay, you just helped me go on longer. And it wasn't your fault that I couldn't stay. That was on me. Please, for the sake of me, don't blame yourself. Please, please, please, just believe me when I say that you did enough, more than enough for me. Through thick and thin, remember? Nothing would break us, never. Not even death, cause I know I'll be with you through your life.

But forget the reasons, remember that I love you.

I burned so long, so quiet. I wish I would've spoken more to you about my thoughts, but then again, you had your own problems. I think my thoughts would have scared you. I didn't want help, no matter how much you tried. I wouldn't had accepted your, or someone else's help, ever. I was too stubborn and too tired for that. I didn't want you to worry or to be a burden to you. You deserve so much more, more than I or this world could give you. There is nothing in this earth that can be as beautiful as your soul is. And I swear Harry, we are infinite, and we will meet again when the time is right. You are irreplaceable. No words can really express how I feel about you. There cannot be any feelings more strong than these that I have for you. You are every reason, every hope, every happiness I ever had. You will always be mine.

It has been beautiful fight.

Sincerely yours, Louis."

"I'm still alive for you, baby." Harry thought to himself, smiling and wiping his tears. He feels like a heavy weight is gone from his shoulders, like that little hole inside his heart, got filled up a bit. He got answers. Louis loved him. He really did. This wasn't Harry's fault, now Harry knows for sure. He wasn't left out in the dark. For a moment, he feels Louis' presence in the room. "I'm going to make you proud." Harry promises.