79-From the Grave

A few days after the first day of school, a pretty large box arrived. I brought it inside and sat it down on the table. Neddy was napping and Benny was at school. I think Sam and Bucky were working out or something like that. The house would have been completely silent if it wasn't for Fleetwood Mac softly playing from the record player in the living room.

I used a knife to open the box carefully, breaking the tape's seal. I set the knife aside and looked inside, my heart skipping a beat when I say a bundle of papers tied together with a baby blue ribbon sitting on top. I carefully reached in and picked up the bundle of what I can now see are letters, seeing my name in an awfully familiar script.

To Peyton Annemarie Stark-Rogers

My heart was beating fast as I shakily undid the ribbon and opened the first letter. I was scared of what Steve had wrote. Part of me didn't want to read it, wanted me save his last words to me for some other day. But the other part of me was too curious, way too curious.

Dear Pey,

I've been the worst husband to you, dollface. I really, really have. I've made so many mistakes as your husband and I hate it. I've messed up bad and I completely understand if you hate me. It's okay, it really is. I'd hate me too with the way I've treated you. You're the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. You gave me our son, gave me a home, a family. You gave me your heart and I should've appreciated that more. I should've listened to your brother. I wish I could go back and redo everything, but life doesn't work that away. What I've done to you will always be something I regret.

I know I shouldn't be writing this to you. I should say this to you, in person. But it'll be hard and this will be easier for you, to just read it. You don't want to see me and that's okay. It's understandable. I wouldn't want to see this ugly mug either. So I'm writing all of this to you.

Right now, as I write this, I'm thinking of the first day we met. God, you looked so beautiful. You could've given me a heart attack, doll. Now I'm thinking about how I knew I was in love with you when you were driving me around. You had those big sunglasses on and you singing along to one of your Fleetwood Mac songs. I knew right then and there that I loved you so damn much. I wish I would've told you sooner, I really wish I would've. You've done so much for me, sweetheart. Hell, you risked everything to help me during the whole Accords situation. You went to jail for me. I wish I could've done more for you. I should've done more for you.

I'm sorry for the times I've betrayed your love. You don't deserve that. God, you deserve so much better than that. The first time shouldn't have happened. Both of them shouldn't have happened. You were hurting after we lost our second child and I wasn't there for you. I hate myself for that, I really do. I should've turned to you for love and I didn't. I'm an asshole and you stayed with me. You said you wanted to work it out and that you didn't want to throw away our relationship-

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I'm sent back to the moment I found out about Steve cheating on me for the first time four years ago.

-

"You-You're cheating on me, aren't you?" I ask as I shut the door to Ben's room, not bothering to even look at him, at my husband. I could practically hear his heart beating fast. It was only a few hours after Ben's baptism party and I immediately knew who the other woman was as soon as she walked in. Sharon Carter walked in, giving me a huge hug. She was wearing Daisy by Marc Jacob. Steve refrained from giving her a hug and that's how I put it together. Steve gives everyone hugs, but he didn't hug Sharon. You wouldn't hug your mistress in front of your wife.

"Pey-Peyton-" He struggles to come up with an excuse as I walk into our bedroom. I use my powers to slam the door shut behind him. I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to control my emotions. Those dark whispers urge me to take my anger out on my husband.

"Don't try to come up with an excuse. You're shitty at lying. You're lucky Tony doesn't know. He'd fucking kill you and I don't think I'd stop him." I tell him honestly, glaring at him. Steve looks worried as he sits down on the bed. There's tears in my eyes.

"I'm sorry." Steve tries, looking down at his hands. He won't even look at me as he fiddles with his wedding ring. Mine feel heavy around my finger, weighing my arm down. Did he take his ring off when he'd fuck her? Or did he leave it on as a reminder that what he was doing was wrong.

"No you aren't. If you were sorry you would've stopped. You made me stop going on missions because you told me my work made me lose the baby. So I did that because I felt bad, Steve. And while I was here, taking care of our son, you were off fucking Sharon. And don't give me that "I was hurting too" bullshit.  I felt our child die inside of me and I can't escape that, but you sure as hell can." I lay into him, running a hand though my hair. He just stays silent, because he has nothing to say. I grab some random porcelain knick knack and I throw it against the wall. Small white shards go everywhere. It makes sense. He wouldn't even cuddle with me when we laid side by side at night.

"Jesus, Pey calm down." He mutters under his breath and God, I want to kill him. I hate this feeling of betrayal, especially since I didn't expect this from Steve. America's Golden Boy having a fucking affair. People would expect of me, not him.

"Do not tell me to calm down! You invited her to our son's fucking baptism! What the fuck is wrong with you!" I shout at him, tears rolling down my cheeks. He doesn't move, doesn't do anything at all. My heart hurts and I grab a picture frame, inside a picture of Steve and I, and launch it at the wall. Glass flies everywhere.

"I don't understand how you can sit there and see I'm crying and not do anything at all." I tell him softly. He still doesn't look at me so I start grabbing my shit, shoving it some random bag. If I stayed any longer, I'd do something I regret.

"Where are you going?" Steve asks as he stands up, finally showing some God damn emotion. His eyebrows are furrowed as he looks at me. I grab my bag and throw it down the stairs before going to Benjamin's room and packing up a bag for him. Steve is following me as I throw Ben's bag over railing. I carefully pick up my sleeping son, cooing to him in order to keep him sleeping.

"Hey, hey we can talk about this! Pey, please." He begs, trying to stop me from leaving. I hold Ben close and walk down the stairs, using my powers to make the bags follow the two of us. I grab my keys and walk outside, leaving my husband standing in the doorway.

-

Should I have been angrier? Should I have forced us to go more marriage counseling? He cheated on me twice and both times it was with members of the Carter family, people I love and trusted. Before I even left the thoughts get darker, I return my attention to letter once more.

I didn't deserve a second chance. I really didn't. You would've totally justified in divorcing me and telling your brother and anyone else you wanted. It wasn't your fault. Not at all. Everything I did, every mistake I made is on me. The problem was me, not you.

Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm in the hospital. The doctors are saying it's not looking good and Buck and Sam are trying to tell me that I'm going to be okay, but I know it's time. You're mad at me and you have every damn right to be. If you don't want to see me, it's alright. I understand. I wouldn't want to see me either. I should've been there for you after Nat and Tony, I really should've.  What I did selfish and I wish I would've stayed. The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?

I think when I go, I'm going to think of how you looked when we got married. You, with that big smile across your face as you danced with Benny. The way you looked up at me, grinning, God, doll, my heart is beating so fast just by thinking about that moment. Natasha had tucked some of those little white flowers behind your ear and you were wearing that beautiful white dress. There was so many people there that day but I was only looking at you and Ben. I love you so much. I know it may not seem like it, but I love you. God, I love you.

I owe such an incredible debt to you. You have loved me so much, given me anything I wanted. You're raising our son into an amazing person and I'm sorry I won't be there to help you. I'm sorry I won't be there for his birthdays or yours. I'm sorry I won't be there for our anniversaries. I'm sorry I won't be there for his graduations or his wedding or the birth of his child (if he decided to have any or if he decided to get married). I'm sorry I'm forcing you to do all of this by yourself. I know my sorry's mean jack shit. I'm still going to say it.  I didn't think I'd get a life like this and I really didn't think I'd be doing that with you. You gave me everything I ever wanted and I should have cherished that more.

Do you remember when you took me to Disneyland? When it was just the two of us? God, I couldn't stop staring at you. You were like a kid in a candy store, doll. Your eyes were constantly lighting up every time you talked about how Tony took you there when you were little. I wish I could've took a picture of how beautiful you looked when the fireworks went off. We should've had more moments like that. You told me you wanted to relax after Thanos, that you wanted a break. I'm sorry we didn't get one.

I should have stayed and taken care of you instead of being selfish. You needed someone and I just abandoned you. You were hurting so bad and I didn't help you. I deserve what Tony, Nat, and your parents are going to do to me when I get to where they are. You know Tony's gonna really let me have it.

I love you. I will always love you. I love Benny and I love the baby we didn't get to have. I love our little family. I loved having Tony and Pepper as in-laws. I love having a niece. I love everything about you, okay? You are utterly perfect and loving and such a great mom. Everything that happened was on me. I love you, doll. I always love you and I was just too much of an idiot to see that.

Yours forever and always,

Steven Grant (Stark) Rogers

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I set down the letter, turning my attention to other things in the box. There was his boutonnière from our wedding wrapped carefully in a white handkerchief. Love letters we had written each other while he was on a two month long mission. Our pictures of Disneyland, sonograms of Ben. The Polaroid camera we used when we were on the run. Tokens from a arcade we went to on a date. A flag he wanted at the first Pride parade he ever went to. The little Christmas ornament that we tried to make of Benjamin's hand, but was smudged since Ben moved too quickly. Just so many random things that would just seem like junk but were so important to Steve and I.

Why did this have to come now? Why didn't it come earlier? God, there's so many other things going on-Ignore that, idiot. Fucking enjoy this. Cry, show fucking emotions. Your sister will still want to kill you later on-just appreciate this damn it.

He hurt you, a darker voice purrs in my ear as I pick up a Polaroid of the both of us on the way to a MET Gala. I shut my eyes and try to push that dark voice out. Let her have this, for fuck's sake. He didn't want you, he settled for you. Don't you feel that rage deep inside of you? God, I could feel it-Steve loved you.

I push both of the thoughts away as I go through what's left of our relationship, tears rolling down my cheeks as I desperately hold onto these feelings.