80-How to disappear

Six Years Ago

His hands were always calloused, no matter how much lotion he put on. His hands were just always slightly rough. They probably have been rough since the 1940's. I learned to love the feeling of his hands. Of course I did. He is my husband. I love every little thing about him. Every little damn thing.

Steve's rough finger carefully traced the long scar that stretched across my abdomen as I slowly woke up, his wedding band slightly cold against my skin. My eyes fluttered open and I squinted slightly, trying to get used to the bright light. The early morning sunlight steamed in through the gauzy white curtains, illuminating the both of us. Outside, Rome was slowly coming to life, waking with the rising sun. Steve's hand flattened against my stomach as he pressed his lips against my bare shoulder, his beard scratching at my skin. The sweetness of his actions made me smile. A light giggle escaped from my mouth.

"Good morning, Mrs Rogers." He murmurs against my skin, his voice rough from sleep. My smile got a little wider as I moved my hand to rest on top of his. Our fingers intertwined. My ring was sitting on the bedside table on my side of the bed, the dog tags resting beside them. I was so terrified of somehow accidentally getting my rings caught on something and getting my finger ripped off. I know it was stupid and Steve teased the hell out of me for it.

"Good morning, Captain Rogers." I softly respond as I move onto my other side, looking lovingly up at him. His eyes aren't fully open yet, but he's still looking at me. I can't help but smile at him. This man just fills me with serotonin. How could I not realize sooner that he was the one for me? I have wasted so much time in my life on other people that just were not worth it. God, and this perfect man has just been waiting for me. Ugh, he looks so cute right now.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Good morning, baby Rogers." Steve says with a smile on his face, his rough and calloused hand moving to rest on my stomach. God, I love you-

Neddy's cries yanked me out of the dream/memory before I really had a moment with Steve. I jolted up in bed and quickly got up, picking him up before walking to the nursery. I nudge the door open and switch the light on. I laid him down on the changing table, unbuttoning his onesie. There is a cartoon version of myself on the front of his onesie. Of course, I am on merchandise. What? Something has to pay for my two children's college education and the Avengers. That shit is definitely not cheap. Your mind is just everywhere, huh?

"I don't think I've had a good dream about your daddy in a long time." I tell my son softly as I try to blink the sweep away from my eyes. Neddy looks up with me with his blue-green eyes as I change my diaper, making little noises. I smile at him, tossing the dirty diaper in the trash can in his room before buttoning up his onesie. I picked up my son and we walked down stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible. Steve's letter and everything else had reopened that wound that I thought I had healed. And it's making this whole thing a lot harder that I want it to be.

"I love you so much, baby boy, but I don't exactly love you waking me up at two in the morning." I say softly as I walk into the kitchen. I open the fridge and grab a bottle of milk, warming it in my hand. I walk us into my workroom, sitting down on the rocking chair I had asked Sam to put in here. We sit down and I hold my son close as I hold the bottle to his mouth. Neddy happily drank it, his little hand moving to hold my pinky. Damn, you are so cute baby boy.

"Oh your daddy would've loved you, you know. So would've your Uncle Tony and your Auntie Tasha." I say with a smile as we rock in the rocking chair, kissing his forehead. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that beautiful sword hidden amongst all of my suits. It started singing to me, trying to beckon me to use it. I shook my head, trying to shake myself of its grip. I looked back down to my son, trying to silence the sword.

"Oh, I am in trouble, aren't I? Mommy's in deep shit." I joke awkwardly, studying my son's face as he drinks from the bottle. He just blinks at me, not retaining the information in the slightest. I sigh and look away, my eyes landing on a framed picture of Steve, Tony, and I. Tony and I were making funny faces behind Steve, like the immature children we were. Besides that picture frame is a picture of Natasha from when we were on the run. She's flipping off the camera, arm wrapped around my shoulders as I flip off the camera too. Big, stupid smiles on our faces.

"I could really use you three right about now, you know. Let's be honest here, I really really need you guys. I can't do this shit by myself." I confess as I rock Neddy and I back and forth. The emotion I've been trying to bury down deep seeps through every little crack, making tears brim in my eyes.

"All three of you guys left me alone. Not one of you assholes stayed here with me. How-How the fuck am I to do any of this fucking bullshit they want me to? Half of the world thinks I'm going to fill Tony's shoes and the other half says I'm surely going to fill Steve's. I-I am doing everything you three were supposed to do and I can't do it anymore. And I'm-I'm supposed to be dealing with my own fucking crisis right now, okay? I can't be dealing with all of this shit." I rant, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't wipe them away, I just let them fall. There's been a darkness inside of me for a long time. The last time I let it take over completely, my brother and Steve found me in a bathtub. Steve had pushed that darkness back into its box. Sure, it came out slightly when I lost my baby with Steve, but I had been holding it at bay. Since Natasha died, it had been creeping out of its little box. I hadn't fully let it win, but everything that's been happening-all this death, my sister wanting to kill me-it's all too much. It doesn't help that the whispers-both from my mind and the sword-keep making me do horrible things. You've never been innocent.

"You didn't give your kingdom to Peter, guys. I'm not good, not at all. I've hurt too many people, killed too many-I-I put Barnes to shame, Stevie. I'm fucking tainted. I hate it. And I'm fucking stuck here because you guys all left me. I need someone here, damn it. I just need someone." I sob, holding my baby close as that damn darkness inches closer and closer.

-

Bucky opens his eyes and sees two people standing in front of them. One of them, he's seen before-the other man that was on the bridge with Steve. The other one is a woman. She's wearing a gray shirt, blue jeans, and black boots that go up to her knees. She looks pissed, arms crossed over her chest, but she definitely looks pretty. God, they make dames differently these days. He didn't know it then, but now he knows that the woman was Peyton Stark, soon to be Peyton Stark-Rogers.

"You've seen her before, haven't you Sergeant Barnes?" An unfamiliar woman's voice purrs to him. The two people in front of him can't hear the voice, they just keep their eyes on him. Bucky blinks his eyes and suddenly he is in a different location. He's sitting across from the woman in a loud, packed club as another woman-an agent-handles her a plastic baggie of white powder. She's barely wearing any clothes, just a tight and revealing bright red dress.

"It's the best shit out there." The agent says cheerfully, leaning forward as Bucky sits there. The blonde woman grins and slides over a couple of hundred dollar bills before getting up. She cheers as another woman embraces her, both of them swaying away.

"She was supposed to be in that car with her parents. You were supposed to kill her then, but then her brother came home from college. You couldn't get her then and HYDRA waited around for a while until they learned she was rising through the ranks of SHIELD. That's when you and this other lovely Nazi gave her laced cocaine. You were supposed to kill her." That haunting voice tells him as the room shifts again. He's standing in the bathroom with the other agent, standing over that blonde as she seizes on the ground. She's covered in her own vomit and there's white powder under her nose. Peyton's overdosing, it was extremely clear.

"She was supposed to die, but she didn't-sadly. HYDRA decided to let either her job or her own vices kill her. Oh, but you've buried those memories, huh? With what? This?" The voice taunt as once again the room shifts. Peyton's looking at him as sits on her bed, a baby pink robe barely covering her body. She smirks at him and the woman laughs. Peyton lifts her hand and suddenly slits her neck. Bright red blood spurts out of her neck and Bucky shouts, moving forward. Peyton just keeps her eyes on him. Bucky grabs her before she falls forward, her blood covering his hands and clothes.

"She's gonna die, so you better get used to it." The woman says with a sing song voice, her laughing ringing out like a bell-

Bucky sits up in bed, breathing hard. Sweat clings to his skin as he looks around the plain room. It takes him a few minutes to realize where he is. You're okay, you're in your bed. Bucky runs a hand through his long hair, trying to push all of the images of Peyton Annemarie Stark-Rogers our of his mind. Peyton then, Peyton now. Check up on her, make sure she's okay. You know you want to. Bucky shook the thoughts from his mind as he got off the bed. He knew he wasn't going to able to go back to sleep tonight.

So he pulled on a pair of pants and walked out of his room, going down the stairs. Bucky probably shouldn't be around Peyton right now, especially if what he had seen in his dream was true. You're nothing but a monster. Bucky pushes the thoughts away as he walked into the kitchen to get something to eat. Bucky suddenly stopped as he noticed that Neddy was fast asleep in his play pen. It was at that moment, he also noticed that the doors leading to the backyard were wide open. Bucky's eyes widen and he quickly made his way towards the doors, stepping outside. He hoped that nothing was wrong, but he didn't have to worry too much.

"I left the doors open, so I could hear him cry." Peyton tells him in the smallest voice. Her back is to him as she sits on one of lawn chairs, knees pulled up into her chest. Her blonde hair was messy and down, flowing slightly in the breeze.

"You okay? It's really late, Pey." He responds gently as he tentatively takes another step forward. She's in distress. Help her.

"Steve and I took shifts with Ben. So one of us would sleep while the other was awake." Her voice sounds faraway and it makes Bucky think that something is wrong. No shit.

"Maybe you should go inside, get some sleep. I can stay up with Neddy." Bucky recommends as he steps forward once more so he's a little closer.

"Do you remember the first person you killed? I do. The first one I killed on purpose, I mean. I killed my mom, but I didn't mean to do it. I was just a baby." She rambles, her fingers pulling on a bit of string hanging down from the shirt she was wearing. Bucky swallows hard and sits down on the chair that was adjacent to hers.

"Yeah, I remember the first one I killed. It was during the war, when I was still in control of myself." Bucky responds and she nods. The heiress's fingers were covered in flames.

"They made me wait until I was eighteen to go on my first mission. This guy-He had made a child prostitution ring-He was a complete piece of shit. I burned him alive. I couldn't get the smell out of my nose for days." Peyton tells him and the soldier winces. She chuckles drily, looking up at the night sky. The blonde takes a shaky breath before speaking again, "Can I confess something to you?"

"I'm not exactly a priest, Pey." Bucky tries to tease, trying to lighten the mood. It falls flat, but Peyton turns her head to look at him. There's tears rolling down her cheeks and God, it makes his heart ache. Something is really wrong.

"When I found out Steve was cheating on me, I-I was in a bad place. I dropped off Benny with my brother and I snuck into her apartment, his mistress. I sat there in the dark for an hour, dressed in the best fucking outfit money could buy. Sharon walks in, and she's shocked to see me. She fumbles over her words, trying to act like she has no idea why I might be there. And I just look at her, trying not to cry in front of her, and I ask "Do I look like a fucking idiot?". She continues to play dumb saying that she doesn't know what's going on." Pey starts, her tone wavering with emotion. Bucky just waits for her to continue, his eyes widening as he realizes that Steve had an affair with Sharon Carter, Peggy's niece.

"So, I say "You've been fucking my husband. Do you think I wasn't going to realize that?". And her eyes get all huge and she starts apologizing. I wanted to kill her, Bucky, I really did, but I didn't. I felt so fucking shitty because I knew that Steve wanted her and not me so I-I told her that if she didn't leave the city and drop off the face of the earth, I would burn her alive. I was taking my anger on her instead of Steve and-fuck." Her voice cracks and she starts crying hard. Peyton covers her mouth and Bucky can't do anything but watch her. She turns her head away, not wanting to let Bucky see her cry, even though he's seen her cry multiple times.

"I-I threatened her and did all of this bullshit and he still left me, even though he says he loves me. I-Everything is falling apart around me and I don't know what to do. I haven't had a fucking break and God, I need one." Peyton's voice is hoarse and Bucky gets up, mentally cursing himself as he sits down next to the Avenger. He doesn't want to touch her, knowing what he knows about himself. About what he did to her.

"I'm not exactly an expert on these things, but you have been through a lot. I think it's understandable for you to be this...emotional. And I think it's okay for you to be mad at Sharon and Steve. You still love him and that's still understandable." Bucky tries to explain, and Peyton turns to look at him. The twinkling lights that strung over the backyard illuminating Peyton slightly. Her eyes are red, eyelids all puffy. She suddenly gets up, looking around. The blonde wipes at her face, the flames making the tears sizzle on her skin.

"I-I need to go. I'm going to be gone for a few days. Okay? I'm okay-I just need to go, okay? Okay." Peyton tells Bucky, who is obviously confused. She gives him a small smile before suddenly flying off, a trail of fire following her. Bucky's heart was racing in his chest as his eyes followed the fire until it was gone from his sight.

-

I stumble into the woods outside of the mansion upstate, my feet bare. Rocks and sticks dig into skin as I walk further into the forest. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I picked up my pace, running towards the clearing. I fell to my knees as soon as I reached it, chest heaving. I slam my hand down on the ground, lightning cracking across the sky and thunder booming. A circle of flames surround me and I let my eyes flutter shut. The scent of roses and sulfur fill my nose as a breeze rolls through the trees. I open my eyes and there she is, standing before me. Elda tilts her head, a Cheshire Cat smile appearing on her face.

"Wow, you're finally broken, aren't you?" She purrs, the fire making her look more haunting. I sniffle, lowering my eyes as I just continue to cry, feeling even more hollow. I can't say anything.

"You needed to be broken down, daughter, it's good. This just means the next few steps you must complete will be easier." My birth mother says as she walks around the clearing, her long silk dress trailing against the ground. There's a lump in my throat.

"Our Dark Lord says that you have to only commit two of the seven sins required. He says that you have already committed so much of the others." Elda tells me, her voice filled with excitement.

"That seems way too easy, don't you think?" I ask, raising my eyes to meet hers. Elda runs a hand through her shining blonde hair, sighing.

"I'm just telling you what our Dark Lord told me, daughter. You were an alcoholic, so gluttony is covered. Sloth is taken care of because so many different things too numerous to list. You are still so prideful of your life and all of things you've done. Greed is also fulfilled since you've been living in the life of luxury." She informs me as her eyes land on me, "Envy is covered. He knows how much you wished to be like Sharon Carter or her aunt in order to hold onto your wandering husband."

"By that reasoning, wrath and adultery should also be covered. I have done plenty of both." I retort and my mother chuckles darkly. She continues to walk towards me, her hand moving to cup my cheek. I look up at her, a little confused. Elda pulled out a golden knife, seemingly out of thin air.

"No, darling. Those two are the Dark Lord's favorites. You still have to do those two. He doesn't want to be disappointed." Elda tells me, a grin on her face. I sigh and shut my eyes for s moment. Her nails dig into my face, forcing me to open my eyes and look at her. Elda continues, "Don't disappoint him, daughter. Now, you know what you need to do. You read it in the Book."

"I know." I respond, eyes downcast as I take the knife from her hand. I tug Steve's shirt over my head, tossing it to the ground. I hold the knife in one hand before digging into the plan of my other hand. I wince as I squeeze my hand, letting the blood flow into a small golden bowl that had also appeared.

My mother helps me paint symbols all over my body. She was pushing me into doing another Burning. Elda and the Book both told me that these marks would enhance my powers, make them stronger. Only the chosen daughters could have these symbols on their bodies, she reminded me, the others can't handle it. Her thumb carefully wiped the blood on my forehead.

I wasn't in the place to really say no to any of these things. I just needed to do what I needed to do in order to be able to take down Lilith.

When the flames crawled up my body, they made me scream out. Lightning struck the ground once more, thunder booming in my ears. Every time one of the flames licked itself at one of the marking, the pain only intensified. Fuck, it hurt so much as I floated up into the air, moving to rest on my back. That darkness filled me as the flames climbed higher and higher. Elda was long gone by the time the flames dove down my throat and took control.