~𝟳𝟲~

I sat on the couch, wringing my hands as I stared off into nothing. The fluttery feeling in my heart from Lee Know's confession earlier had completely dissipated, replaced by a dull pressure in my chest. It felt like someone was pressing down on my heart. I almost fell off the couch when the alarm rang out through the house, my heart jumping in my chest. I jogged up the stairs and to the operations room but got the feeling that I wouldn't be needed. 

The screen went on and Commander Della Valle's gaze met mine. I could see the confusion in his eyes as to why I was still there when I obviously wasn't supposed to be. I hung my head, silently excusing myself. All eight of the boys' stares were on me as I slowly left the room. A familiar brush of fingers swept across my hand, but I didn't stop until I was outside of the operations room, closing the door behind me. I didn't know why but I felt so small. 

So I decided to do something that made me feel powerful, heading into the training area. I was afraid that if I started punching, I wouldn't be able to stop, so I decided to just do some stretches instead. By the time the boys were done with their briefing, my muscles were burning and sweat was trickling down my neck and back. The first boy to find me was Changbin. I smiled at him as he came into the training area, approaching me slowly.

"So, I'm guessing you guys can't tell me anything?" I asked as I tied my shoelace.

"Yeah, but I don't understand why. I mean, we're a team. All of us. Even though we're going on this mission and you're not. So I don't see why we can't tell you."

He crossed his arms and scowled, making me smile at his expression. After a moment of silence, I got up to leave when he spoke again.

"You know what? I'm just going to tell you. So, we-"

I jumped towards him, pressing my hand over his mouth to stop him from spilling anything confidential. He seemed shocked and confused. I pulled away slowly.

"I'd rather you not tell me anything. I don't want Commander Della Valle finding out and getting mad or threatening you."

"Oh, okay sure. I just thought you'd want to know where your boyfriend is heading off to."

"I do want to know, but I don't think it's worth the risk. Besides, if the commander wanted me to know, I would have been allowed to be there during the briefing."

"She's got a point you know."

Changbin turned around to identify the voice behind him. Lee Know came waltzing into the training area, coming to a stop next to me. He put his hands on my waist, looking down at me with a slight smile on his lips.

"Even though I want to just tell you everything and spill all the secrets that the commander just made us promise not to tell."

I pressed a finger to Lee Know's lips, keeping him from saying anything he shouldn't. Then I turned to Changbin again, Lee Know shifting in behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. He gently rested his chin on my shoulder, and I leaned my head against his.

"You know, you two make quite the power couple. You'll make me jealous."

"Sorry, Binnie. I just can't help myself."

I smiled at him, and he pressed a gentle kiss to my cheek. I saw Changbin roll his eyes at his Hyung's actions before excusing himself. Again, Lee Know turned me to face him, hands resting on the small of my back. His confession rushed back into my mind, my cheeks tingling with a fresh flush of red.

"You said you wanted to talk. But I'm getting worried because I kind of confessed something huge this morning and now you want to talk to me alone."

He smirked at me, but I could hear the falter in his voice and see the hesitation in his eyes. I brushed along his cheek, my hand settling in his hair. He leaned into my touch, closing his eyes.

"You don't have to worry. I kind of just wanted to process it and talking to you felt like the only way how."

"Well then I'm happy to help. You can always talk to me; you know that right?"

"I know. And I appreciate it. More than you could ever know."

I slipped my hands into Lee Know's, walking over to a bench and sitting down, him taking a seat next to me. I looked at our hands, brushing over his skin with my thumb. Sometimes, it still felt like being with him was just a dream; like I would wake up any moment and it would all just vanish. But as I softly brushed over his skin, I was reminded of the fact that our relationship was very real.

"What you said this morning... I just really don't know how to feel about it. I mean, I understand how you feel, and it doesn't bother me at all. I just don't know when I'll be ready to say the same. And I... I'm just afraid that once this whole Damian thing blows over and our lives go back to normal, you'll realise that you don't actually feel that way for me and... I know it's stupid and I should trust you, but it..."

I sighed, hanging my head to avoid his gaze. I squeezed his hands in mine, afraid he would pull away if I didn't.

"I just don't want you to leave me."

I heard him sigh in front of me and my heart clenched. It was like that tiny, insignificant action from him ripped a piece of my heart off. My thoughts started running. What if he finally realised that I'm not right for him? What if he realised that I'm so insecure and damaged beyond repair that I might never be able to accept his love? What if-

My raging thoughts were cut off by a touch to my chin. His fingers gently lifted my head, making me look him in the eye. He seemed sad. No, sad wasn't a strong enough word. He seemed devastated. Behind the cheerful slant of his eyes, I could see the wounded heart hiding there. He looked down at our hands, and I saw him swallow hard before squaring his shoulders and looking at me again.

"I'm going to be completely honest with you. It hurts that you don't trust my feelings for you, but I can fully understand where it comes from. If I had to go through the things you have gone through, I would be wary too. But what bothers me the most is that you don't see just how beautiful and amazing you are to me. And I wish I could show you, but I don't know how. So, I think I'm just going to settle for telling you every day until you believe me."

He pressed his forehead to mine, and I felt a lump in my throat. He put his hands on my cheeks, gently stroking along my cheekbones.

"You are beautiful. You are kind. You are amazing. And you're an inspiration to each and every person that comes into contact with you."

He pulled away, looking at my eyes again.

"And you made me believe in love again."

At that, he pressed his lips to mine. It was just a small kiss, short and sweet. But it left me feeling lighter. And happier. And it left me wanting more. So I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his, a little harder than he had a moment ago. He seemed to get the message, pulling me closer as his hands moved up into my hair. I rested my hand on his chest and felt his heart beating beneath my fingertips.

When we pulled away, he brought me into a hug, holding my head to his chest. We sat in silence, just enjoying each other's company. But I got the feeling he wanted to say something. So I wasn't very surprised when he softly spoke.

"Are you sure you'll be okay when we leave? I really don't think this is a good idea, but I don't really know what else to do, unless you want me to stay-"

"Hey," I said, looking up at him and putting my hand on his chest to stop his rambling.

"I'll be okay. I promise. I'm sure everything will be fine. And you guys will be back here before you know it. Then we can just cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. How does that sound?"

"It sounds amazing. But first we have to get the mission behind us... I really don't want to have to leave you here. And I just don't want to go. I know the other team. They're all a bunch of idiots whose egos are so inflated you could probably make a hot air balloon out of it."

I giggled at Lee Know's explanation, imagining him just rolling his eyes at the agents.

"I'm sure you'll survive. But if you get lonely, you can just call me on the comms, and I could maybe give you some advice. Or just give you a reason to take a break."

"Okay, but you have to promise me you'll answer after the first ring, okay? If you don't, I'll take it as a sign that you're in trouble and come right over."

"You don't have to-"

"I want to. It'll make me feel better about leaving you here all alone."

"Okay, fine. Just don't take too long on the mission, okay? I might just miss you too much and get lonely."

I smirked up at Lee Know, pressing another kiss to his lips. My smirk was replaced by a smile, my heart fluttering at the tender expression in Lee Know's eyes.

"Oh, I wanted to ask you about the little nickname you have for Changbin."

"You mean when I called him Binnie? I do that sometimes, just to remind him that he's both younger and shorter than me," Lee Know said with a smile.

"I find it very cute. Maybe we should get nicknames for each other, too?"

Just before Lee Know could answer, I heard someone clear their throat behind us, making me turn around to see Chan standing in the door.

"I'm afraid that'll have to wait. Commander Della Valle just called me and said that I have to test all the members on strength, stamina and endurance before the mission tomorrow."

"Am I first on your list?" Lee Know asked.

"As always," Chan responded.

I looked over at Lee Know, who seemed quite sad to be leaving me. I tilted my head slightly, smiling at him. He smiled back, pressing a soft kiss to my cheek before getting up and heading towards Chan.

"I'm sorry to be stealing your boyfriend away so rudely," Chan said, traces of the smile on his lips weaving into his voice.

"It's okay. And besides, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder."

At that, both the boys smiled before heading off to what I assumed was the clearing outside. I got up, getting my stuff and heading out to the kitchen to get me some lunch. I found Seungmin sitting at the kitchen island, book in hand as his eyes scanned over the tiny print. I went to stand next to him, reading over his shoulder until he noticed my presence, closing the book and greeting me.

"Let me guess, Jeongin was annoying you, and so you decided to just come sit here for some peace and quiet."

"How'd you know?" he asked, seeming surprised that I figured him out so quickly.

"Let's just say I have my ways. So, how is the book going?"

"I'm actually almost done. But I don't think I'll be able to finish today. Chan said something about him having to evaluate us before tomorrow's..."

When he didn't finish his sentence, I realised just how much I had tried to forget about the mission ever since I found out about it. I had managed to suppress my fear up until that moment, so I had felt like I could handle people talking about it. But when he looked at me and seemed so worried, the fear sprang back to life in my chest, clawing its way into my heart and settling there. I put my hand on my heart, feeling it beat beneath my fingertips. I took in a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, even if just slightly.

"Sorry if I overstepped. I didn't mean-"

"No, it's okay. I just haven't really gotten used to the idea of you guys leaving me here alone."

Seungmin seemed to pale at the mention of the impossible choice they were forced to make. I put my hand on his shoulder, smiling sadly at him.

"I don't blame you guys for a second. You were stuck between a rock and a hard place. This was the choice that had the least possible bad outcomes."

"That's not true and you know it. I mean, if we leave you here, you could get kidnapped or murdered or Damian could come back or... sorry, I should probably be trying to calm you down and not upset you more, but still. We just chose this option because we were being selfish."

"Hey."

When Seungmin wouldn't look at me, I grabbed his shoulders, turning him to face me.

"I would much rather get hurt or stay here alone than have you all lose your jobs because of me. Because if you all lost your jobs, I wouldn't be able to see you guys anymore. And that'll be the end of me. So this might sound a bit harsh, but I'm actually glad you guys were a bit selfish."

He still didn't seem convinced, but I hugged him anyway, hoping it would enforce the message stronger than words could. He suddenly pulled away, though, a serious look in his eyes.

"I want you to keep your comm on at all times. And keep at least one weapon with you, preferably something with a long range. And if anything happens, alert one of us as soon as possible."

As I listened to his rant, I tried cataloguing everything he said, but my brain just kept getting filled with intrusive thoughts. What if Damian showed up? What if I couldn't get a message out quickly enough? What if the boys got back to the dorms to find my dead body on my bedroom floor?

My thoughts broke apart when I heard Seungmin stop speaking. I looked up at him and saw how anxious he seemed. I gently rested my hand on his shoulder, smiling at him encouragingly.

"I'll be okay. I'll stay safe, okay? Don't worry about me. You just worry about getting through your mission."

I tried exuding confidence as I spoke to him, but I just prayed that what I said wasn't a lie. And that the boys would come to clean dorms, and not a blood bath.

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A/N

heyy guys ;)

hope you guys are doing absolutely amazing!! thank you so much for all the support, i cannot believe we have made it to over 17 K reads!! i was scrolling through my photos the other day and i found the screenshot i took when i had just a hundred readers, thinking that was such a huge thing. now that feels so small and long ago. thank you all for this amazing opportunity you have given me and for giving me the chance to share my (kinda weird and cringey) story with you all!!

i hope you all enjoyed this chapter and i will see you all in the next one <3

P.S. the next chapter does have a trigger warning, but i do put it in at the beginning of the chapter and right before the scene where the trigger warning applies ;P