~𝟳𝟳~

TW: Graphic violence, blood

Skip this chapter if you are easily triggered.

The dorms were a mass of ruckus and the boys scrambling around, trying to get their bearings before the mission. I tried to help them as best I could, but I felt like I was just in the way. So I focused on getting my own precautions ready. I had decided to keep my service weapon with me at all times, strapped to my waist to ensure it was easily accessible. I also set my comms to speed dial Lee Know with the press of a button.

When I went back downstairs, the boys had seemed to calm down, all of them standing in the living room, huge bags of equipment stacked around their feet. They were all either looking at papers or doing something on their comms. When I walked down the stairs, they all looked up at me. 

The tension in the room was palpable. The worry in their eyes was like a silent flare, an ever-present reminder of what could happen. The first one to approach me was Chan. His eyes dropped to the weapon strapped to my waist, and I saw him nod slightly. Then he gently took my wrist, checking something on my comm. He gave another small nod before dropping my wrist and looking at me.

"Everything is going to be okay. You're a well-trained agent and I'm sure you'll be able to handle anything thrown your way. And we're just a button's press away. So don't hesitate to let us know if something happens."

I noticed his use of the word "if". He was trying to convince me, and I suspect himself as well, that nothing was going to happen, but I knew he was lying. And I knew he knew that as well. It was only a matter of time before something would happen.

I wrapped Chan in a hug, trying to force the bile rising in my throat down. The rest of the boys joined the hug, engulfing me in safe warmth. We stood there for a long while before the boys pulled away, and Lee Know was standing in front of me. He seemed like he had made peace with the mission they had to go on. He seemed calm. He spread his arms and I walked into his embrace, clinging to him to try and avoid the inevitable. 

That was when I noticed how stressed he really was. His entire body was trembling, and his fingers pressed into my skin with an urgency I hadn't felt in his touch ever before. He pressed a long kiss to my hairline, and I held onto him tighter.

He pulled slightly away before connecting our lips in a heated kiss. And with that simple touch of his lips on mine, my floodgates opened, tears streaming over my cheeks. But it was no longer in fear of losing my own life. It was in fear of Lee Know losing his. 

I had no idea where they were going or what they were going to do. I didn't even know who they were going to work with. For all I knew, they could be heading off into a suicide mission, and I wouldn't even know until the agents came to inform me of their deaths.

So as the tears kept streaming over my cheeks, I pulled Lee Know closer, I held onto him tighter, I kissed him longer and with more emotion that I ever had. I flooded all the emotions I was feeling into the kiss, and when we pulled away, I could see tears glinting in Lee Know's eyes as well. He gently brushed the tears off my cheeks, a sad smile spreading on his lips. He leaned down slightly to be eyelevel with me.

"Please, promise me you'll still be here when we get back. Promise me you'll still be alive."

"You know I can't promise tha-"

"I know, but just entertain me this tiny fantasy... Please."

"I... I promise. But then you have to promise me you'll come back alive and breathing, not in a body bag or hacked into pieces or-"

My voice broke, cutting off my sentence. Lee Know still managed to understand me, though, gently brushing along my cheekbone.

"I promise."

I pulled Lee Know into another tight hug before stepping away from him completely. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips, trying to make him understand that if I touched him once more, I wouldn't be able to let him go. He seemed to catch on. 

So he took a bag in each hand and turned towards the front door, the other boys doing the same. As they walked past me, they gently touched my shoulder, some giving it a squeeze before pulling away. They all headed out, but right before Lee Know stepped over the threshold, he looked back at me and mouthed the words I love you.

...

TW: Graphic violence, blood

Skip this part if you are easily triggered. (I will indicate when the trigger warning is over)

As soon as the boys were gone and silence descended around me, I knew I had to do something to keep myself busy, or else I would go mad. So I got dressed into some yoga pants and a T-shirt and headed into the training area. The gun strapped to my waist felt like it was pulling me down, but I couldn't take it off. Chan made me promise that I would only take it off once they got back. So I decided to practice some hand-to-hand combat as the strap on my waist wouldn't bother me too much.

As I punched and kicked the air, I pictured an opponent standing in front of me. But every time I pictured it in my head; Damian's face would flash in my mind before it disappeared again. The flashes came more and more frequently, until it felt like I was just plunged into ice cold water. 

My eyes shot open and I gasped. My fists were still poised in front of me. Sweat was dripping down my back. I got on my haunches, trying to catch my breath. I ran a hand through my hair. I pushed the image of Damian aside, got up and went into the kitchen.

I grabbed a glass and poured water into it, chugging it down. The cool liquid seemed to cleanse my thoughts. I started making myself a sandwich, and for once that day, I felt okay. I didn't feel like I would start trembling or would break down any moment. I finished my sandwich and took a bite out of it. As I chewed, I turned around.

Until I stopped dead, my hands going limp. I could vaguely hear the plate slip from my grasp and shatter on the ground. It was a miracle that my sandwich didn't get stuck in my throat.

"Miss me?"

I grabbed my service weapon and pointed it forward, towards the man who stood before me. I had dreamt of him for years. I had had nightmares most nights, and yet it still didn't prepare me for the moment he stood before me. My abuser. My rapist. My ex. Damian.

"Come on now darling, there's no need for that gun of yours. I just want to talk. Why don't you put it down and we can talk like two adults."

My voice was gone, and I couldn't seem to move. Everything in me screamed at me to move, to run, to just get away, but it was like I was trapped in a cage. That frozen cage being my own body.

"Darling, I'll only ask once more. Drop the gun, before you get hurt."

That sentence snapped me out of my frozen state. Adrenaline surged through my veins, igniting my body. I pulled the trigger and heard the gun go off but didn't wait around to see if it hit. As soon as I pulled the trigger, I took off, towards the stairs. I barely made it up the first few stairs when he was behind me. He grabbed my ankle, and I fell forward, landing hard on the stairs. 

The edge of the stair pressed hard into my ribs, and I swore I heard something crack, but I was quickly pulled out of my pain-stricken state. Damian was pulling me down towards himself. I wasn't going to let that happen. I had to get away, even if it was the last thing I did. So I yanked my foot loose and got back to my feet, stumbling up the stairs.

I ran, aiming to get to the end of the hall but only managing to get to the threshold of my door when Damian slammed into me, pinning me to my door frame. The force with which he rammed into me had knocked the gun from my grip, sending it skidding over the carpet to somewhere I couldn't see. 

Damian had a knife. He brought the knife down towards me, but I blocked it. He kept stabbing down at me, but I kept deflecting his blows. I got slices on my forearms because of it, but I ignored it. The pain in my ribs had gotten significantly worse, but I pushed it aside. I had to keep fighting him.

Suddenly the knife came down at an angle. The only thing I could do was grab his wrist and bring the knife down past me, which I did. But instead of the knife splintering the wood like I intended it to, I felt it slice through the skin on my shoulder, creating a deep gash as it followed through only to stop in the wood. Blood poured down my arm and pain shot through my body. It disoriented me just enough for me to let my guard down.

Big mistake. Damian took advantage of my weakened state, grabbing hold of my hair and throwing me onto my bedroom floor. I landed on my back with a thud, my head throbbing from the landing and possibly blood loss. I curled in on myself and tried wrapping my arms around my waist, but pain shot through my arm. I couldn't see how deep the wound on my shoulder was, so I had no idea of how much blood I was losing. I just knew it hurt like hell.

I suddenly gasped and convulsed as I felt a sharp pain in my side, realising that Damian had kicked me. The kick had landed perfectly on my hurt ribs, and my breath was knocked out of me from the pain. I clutched my stomach, trying to prevent another kick and to stop the unbearable waves of pain.

"You tried running from me once. Now I'll make you pay by making sure you can never run from me again."

He grabbed me by my hair, hoisting me onto my knees. I took hold of his hand, trying to pull free. But I was too weak and disoriented. He grabbed onto my throat, yanking me to my feet and swinging me around harshly, slamming me into the wall. 

I wanted to scream, but the sound was ripped from my body by the sheer force of my back hitting the wall. Pain shot through my body, making me whimper. His hand stayed firmly clamped around my throat, making it nearly impossible to breathe. He started pushing me up the wall, the rough surface digging into my skin and chafing away at it.

I grabbed his arm, clutching onto it for dear life. I dug my nails into his skin, but nothing seemed to loosen his grip. My vision started getting blurry, my throat screaming for a release from the pressure on it, my lungs burning. I was gasping like a fish on dry land. I could just barely make out his face and the streaks of red streaming down his arm, and I realized it was from my nails that he was bleeding. 

I curled my legs up towards my body, using the last strength in my body and the last air in my lungs to kick him in the gut, sending him stumbling back and myself crashing to the floor. My body contorted from the impact, my shoulder feeling like it just broke. The same shoulder with the stab wound. 

I could feel my blood pooling beneath my shoulder, making everything warm and sticky. I was tired. Unbelievably tired. And it seemed as though pain had become a part of me. But I couldn't stay there, writhing on the floor. I had to keep fighting. Otherwise, I was good as dead.

So I slowly curled myself up onto my knees. My gaze snapped up and I saw him stirring on the floor from where I had kicked him to the ground, my heart jumping in my chest. I pulled all the strength I had left together, forcing myself onto my feet. My legs wobbled underneath my body weight, but I managed to stay upright. He had just gotten up as well, our gazes connecting. I clutched my shoulder and I felt the blood oozing out from between my fingers. My body was hunched over from sheer exhaustion.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw something black on the floor. I hoped it was what I thought it was. Just as I was about to move towards the object, Damian came barrelling towards me. I took a chance and dived out of his way, grabbing the black object and turning back to him. I was backed into the corner of the room as he came for me again. 

My finger gripped onto the trigger and the gun in my hands went off, the kickback sending a white-hot rod of pain shooting through my shoulder, the gunshot temporarily deafening me. I heard a thud, but I was too scared to look. My eyes stayed staring straight out in front of me, unfocused. My hands shook and my breathing was shallow and ragged. I felt the trembles in my hands moving through my whole body in waves, so bad I had to grip the gun tighter just to ensure it wouldn't slip from my grasp. 

I felt something warm and wet on my skin and I realised it was blood. Damian's blood. It sent chills down my spine like I had never felt before. And as I sat there and ran through the fight I had just survived, it was as if my soul drained out of my body, a lifeless shell the only thing left behind of me.

End of TW

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A/N

heyy guys ;)

i know this was a very graphic, angsty chapter and it was very emotional for me to write so if i upset anyone, i apologise. i just know that when i was writing this fanfic, i felt it was necessary to add it. but if i upset or triggered any of you, please let me know so i can know for future reference. 

anyhow, this book is slowly but surely coming to a close, but i have a little surprise for you all at the very end of this book that i hope you'll like. i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and i'll see you in the next one <3