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Chapter fifty four: Terrified

TW: graphic detailing of mental health, suicidal thoughts and self harm

My legs were crossed on the couch as my fingers peeled over a page from a wedding magazine; the whole idea seemed so complex which hurt my brain. Marrying Evan was a dream come true but to be the one in white walking down an isle with eyes glued into your back made me undeniably uncomfortable and nervous.

It's true; I had commitment issues and that was down to my own self destructive brain that would attack any form of happiness I would be presented with. Evan broke down those walls, made me feel like I deserved more than what I had been given and that is when I knew he would be my soul mate and the one I would be marrying; no matter my distant, unnerving feelings surrounding it.

Dylan and Ember became very close over summer in which she was attached to him by the hip, he proved to be an amazing uncle which melted my heart into tiny pieces. My family being a real, true and loving family. That's all I've ever wanted. Dylan would frequently take her to the park round the block which was nearby, he would take photos and show me once they were home and Ember always wore a toothy grin with wind swept hair. Dylan left to go back home two weeks ago and as much as he could irritate the life out of me I loved him ever so dearly. I remember cradling Ember as she sobbed into my chest, her tears dampening my t shirt.

My thoughts had turned ugly as of recent but I kept a fake facade, the miscarriage with Henry's baby had taken a piece of my soul and with that resurfaced hard to swallow memories full of trauma and pain. How my father would kick me to the ground like a useless piece of baggage that nobody wanted around, the hoarder with the cluttered items people would scold about; that was me. Truthfully these built up memories were never dealt with and I instead put my whole heart into Evan and Ember- never really focusing on myself which was no fault of anyone but my own.

Though I was happy to have a life growing inside of me again I couldn't shake the feeling of being undeserving of this, how can my body nurture and protect one baby but not the other?. This only fuelled the feeling of despair and anxiety, would this baby be yet another test in my life and not flourish inside of me? Evan was still in the dark about the pregnancy in which I found out three weeks ago now and that was purely because I didn't want to make him happy just to rip it off his face just how Henry had experienced with our child.

Wiping my tear stricken face I strolled to the bathroom, my hair messy and bags under my eyes. Every night at around four in the morning I would wake up in a violent panic; sweat coaxing my body and drowning me out. The feeling of a pressure in my windpipe that threatened to suffocate me- it was becoming harder and harder to find my life beautiful and this scared me as feelings of suicide lingered heavily on my shoulders. If it wasn't for the baby I believe I would of grabbed a bottle of pills and my favourite wine for one last savour, after all I didn't feel worthy of anyone. Not even being Ember's mother.

Gingerly I turned the shower on and let the water wash down my back, I made it an eye watering temperature that scorned my skin; my complexion now red and hot. My whole body slumped downwards with my legs cradled to my chest as I held onto myself in an almost maternal way. The familiar glint of silver catching my eye from the corner of the shower which made me swallow thickly.

"I'm not going to do this" I reassured myself with my eyes squeezed shut tightly. If I were to resort into old habits it would only make me feel more dirty; especially with this child growing inside of me. But the temptation was strong and sent me into a mental turmoil, my hands shook beside me and an unfathomable amount of tears rocketed down my cheeks.

Shakily I grabbed the razor, my fingers grasping it between my hands and remembering how it felt to have the crimson bleeds flood my skin. The way my heart settled seeing the physical release pour from me and onto the floor. My father knew about this and beat me more for it, informing me how I should just kill myself. Maybe I should of listened to him. Evan deserved someone better than me, someone who wanted to live.

I popped open the razor and held the small, sharp object in-between my fingertips, my reflection peeping through the surface. Could I really do this again? Is my mind that powerful I would give into my darkest, most sickening desires. Maybe.

Sucking in a breath of air I held it just above my wrist and watched at how I was in control again of my own emotions; the feeling engulfed me in a twisted bliss that I felt was the only option left.

"Maeve are you okay?" Evan asked outside the bathroom door as the sound of him knocking caught me off guard; the razor blade now slipping from my hands and falling to the shower floor with a clank. "Y-yes I am fine" I shot back with a shaky tone.

"It is very unlike you to be showering at four in the morning. Can I come in?" He asked intently with concern lathering his words which only added to my guilt.

"I.. want to be left alone right now" I admitted soberly which only added to Evan's concern as the door rattled.

"Let me in Maeve. You haven't been yourself in weeks and I'm getting worried" he stated in a panic, the door still rattling from his attempted entrance.

I felt tears brimming the surface once more as I rested my head back and allowed the water to engulf me completely, I gasped for air as my lungs struggled to breathe as it splashed on my face chaotically.

"Fuck it" Evan mumbled as I heard a loud bang; the door now hanging off its hinges with Evan's hands in his hair.

He crouched down on the floor where he sat on the other side of the shower door; his own legs to his chest. Due to the steam he couldn't see me and I couldn't see him. "Maeve I'm so scared of losing you, is it me? Are you leaving me?" He croaked desperately.

I began to sob inaudibly from my hands clasped around my mouth as I shook my head hastily. "Baby just talk to me" he pleaded, his finger tips grazing the shower door that was thick in steam leaving marks.

Evan drew a love heart which made a lump form in my throat "remember what I told you? It's us against the world Maeve. I am here for you no matter what"

Hesitantly I placed my quivering hand on the love heart he drew in which he placed his hand the other side. "I am so lost" I breathed "I don't think I want to be here anymore and it terrifies me" I hiccuped through heart wrenching cries.

Evan stood up and swung open the shower, fully clothed he immersed himself in the boiling hot water without a care and huddled my body into his chest, his hand cradling my head and stroking my hair. "It's going to be okay I promise you"

I continued to cry; the sort of cry that you let out from complete and utter grief. The sort of cry that makes your stomach clench and every ounce of air caught in your throat. "I love you so much. Let me into your mind" he begged with his voice cracking.

Evan cupped my cheeks so I looked at him. Now I had a better look at his appearance I could see how pinked his skin was from the heat of the water and how his eyes were watering due to the panic riddling inside of him. Reality suddenly took over me as I realised what I was doing, my self inflicted trance was now disappearing and all I could see was him, my Evan.

"Get out the water" I instructed with wide eyes "you're going to hurt yourself"

Evan shook his head and licked his lips from the scolding beads falling on his upper lip and down his chin. "I don't care. I only care about you"

Like a child he scooped me up in his arms and carried me into the bedroom, the temperature difference making me shudder and shake accompanied with my emotional response. "Let's get you dressed okay and then we can talk. Make a plan" Evan told me with reassuring eyes.

I nodded as numbness surrounded me. Evan began to dress me, and as humiliating as that felt it also gave me a sense of comfort, he truly did care for me.

Once dressed he began to comb my hair and towel dry it. In between this he would plant a tender kids on my cheek that was full of adoration. "When you fall I'll pick you up and when you cry I'll wipe away your tears. When you don't want to be here I will reassure you how much you need and deserve to be here" he whispered in my ear that made me clasp a hand over my mouth.

I turned to face him as he squeezed my hands "baby tell me what is going on so I can help you?"

I licked my chapped lips and lowered my gaze. Feeling utterly and eradicably guilty and foolish. Why was I acting like this ? After everything that has happened and everything I have accomplished I was so close destroying it all and falling down again.

"I-I didn't deal with my dad Evan. He haunts my dreams, he haunts my life. His words still take hold of me and smother me with self doubt and despair. He keeps telling me that I deserved the miscarriage and h-he keeps telling me this baby will die too" I choked on saliva with haggled breaths.

Evan's eyes were teary as he stroked my cheek "we will get you some help so you can battle this demon once and for all. I can promise you that with every inch of me. Do you trust me?"

I nodded without any words escaping my lips, just lapping up his words and trying to seek reassurance from them.

Evan's hands moved down to my belly and his eyes flickered between my eyes and to where his hands now resided. "L-lose this baby?" He asked softly with a perplexed expression.

I smiled "I'm pregnant"

Evan gasped with a massive grin spread across his cheeks; his deep dimples showing in all their glory. "We are having another baby?" He asked again, not sure on whether to believe it.

I nodded "and this.. is why I'm so fucking terrified. What if my dad is right and this baby dies too?"

Evan shook his head and kissed my hands "you cannot think like that. No matter what happens I will look after all three of you"

Wetness trickled down my cheeks as I lurched forwards into Evan's embrace. His arms cuddling me close and securing me; fuelling me with security.

"I don't know what I would do without you" I admitted through sobs in which Evan replied lovingly in my ear

"You don't even have to think about what you would do without me Maeve because you're stuck with me whether you like it or not and that is my promise to you all"

His lips pressed against mine tenderly whilst I wrapped my arms around his neck, my legs straddling him. "Help me forget the pain"