Chapter 42

Chapter 42

Harry's POV

I try to breathe, but it's too painful. Every breath I take, every attempt of normality burns, like a raging fire through my chest. I feel like a knife is being slid down my throat, slicing away at every vital organ I have, which I need to live. I feel like the piercing knife is in search of my heart, attempting to pierce it, until all life drains out of me and it stops my heart from beating. The pain is excruciating, deep and dark pain, nothing like I've ever experienced before. This is so bad that it makes me want to die. I want to die, I want to lay down beside her and never wake up. I want to die with her, I don't want to know what life will be like without her.

The pain is so intense, so strong that I don't think I can even drag myself up off the floor. I don't think my legs have the capability of holding me up, nor will they ever work properly again. How can any of my body function when the core of me is broken?

This isn't right, this can't be right! There's nothing about what is happening that even makes sense. How can everything we've been through be nearly over? How can everything we've worked towards be done? How can our poetically beautiful love story end like this? It can't end like this, it can't! I've spent years loving her, years of pain and years of happiness. I've loved her from the moment I met her. All those years some bad, some good have still all led up to this moment, this sickening painful moment. I was just a kid, a fucking stupid naïve kid when I first met her and I unknowingly fell in love with her. I knew nothing about love back then, I just knew something inside me felt different. I just knew that I wanted to be with her all the time, I never wanted to be apart from her. Fuck! I love her so fucking much! I've wasted so many months, so many fucking years of knowing her, trying to convince myself I hated her, but I didn't. I could never really hate her, nor she with me. They say don't they that there's a fine line between love and hate, which always applied to us. I wanted to hate her, but deep down I still loved her.

I know I was just a stupid child in the beginning. I was a stupid love struck teenager, lost in the excitement and awe that was Sienna Star. It took me a while, a few months of getting to know her to see that I never really cared for Sienna Star, it was just Sienna I fell in love with. Everyone else saw her as Sienna Star, but she was always more than that to me. I didn't really appreciate just Sienna back then, I appreciated the package more, but that was because she didn't show me the real her for a while. It took me a while to get to know the person behind the performer. I took her for granted, I took her love and us for granted. It's been nearly four years! Four fucking years! How the hell am I meant to forget all those years and live life without her? How am I meant to remember who I was before her? Before she left her imprint on my heart? How am I meant to live without her? Oh god someone tell me how I'm meant to do this!

Flashback

The sun peers through the gap in the curtain, falling elegantly on her perfect naked body. Her eyes are closed, lips slightly parted and her silky hair falling smoothly over the soft white pillow. The sounds of her soft breathing fills my ears, making my body tingle with amazement.

I've got to pinch myself for a moment, even though I know I'm being cheesy as fuck. I can't help it though because moments like this seem surreal. I know though that I've never seen perfection like this, nothing like her ever before. I didn't know it was possible for someone, another human being to be this beautiful. I mean there's a lot of pretty women out there, but they're all nothing compared to her. She's beautiful, special, even without makeup gracing her smooth clear skin. In all honesty, I didn't know it was possible to feel like this about another person. This feeling inside is only something I could dream of. I run my fingers smoothly through her long hair, it feels like a silky fabric running between my fingers. Is it possible to be attracted to someone physically, mentally and spiritually? It's got to be possible because this is how I feel about her. We connect on every level possible, something I didn't think I was capable of. Every part of me is linked to her and I never want to lose this feeling, I never want to lose her.

I never thought, I never even dreamt that I'd be here now. I never dared think that I could be led in bed beside the beauty that is Sienna Star. The woman whose posters graced my bedroom wall for years as a teenager. Those posters never did her justice, no picture in the world could do this woman justice. The only way you can truly appreciate her beauty is living in a moment like this, feeling her skin against yours. That means no other person will ever live this, not if I get my way. She's mine now and there's no way I'm letting her go, not without a serious fight.

I've loved this woman since I first saw her, not even in person, I mean on TV. I loved her from the first music video she released. The one when she strutted around and danced around in baggy jeans and a crop top, showing off her toned midriff. Her hair was curly, hanging over her shoulders and I remember every girl at school wanted to be her and every boy wanted to be with her. I still remember the young teenager in me wanting to fuck her, so I could tell everyone I touched THE Sienna Star. I use to day dream about her at school, imagining what would happen if I ever got to speak to her face to face. I don't think any day dream could prepare me for what has become my reality.

All of those thoughts and day dreams are in the past now. I've grown up since then, meaning the man I've become doesn't just think about fucking women anymore, the man I am now just wants to love her. I want to love every inch of her for every day for the rest of my life and right now I do. I do love her and it partly fucking terrifies me. The growing feelings I feel inside scare me to death because I swore I wouldn't fall in love again. I swore I wouldn't fall in love with anyone, especially not someone a million miles out of my league. I can't stop it though; I can't fight it. I can't fight the way I feel and I can't fight that I want to be with her forever.

I smile as I watch her sleep, thinking about the cute way her eyes crinkle up when she laughs at one of my lame jokes. I love the way she smiles, really smiles, when she thinks nobody else is looking. I love the way she lets herself go with me, when she's the real her. I just fucking love her and I'm scared she'll hurt me. I know deep down she's going to hurt me, but I can't stop this. I can't stop feeling what I'm feeling and a part of me doesn't want too. I want to risk it; I'm daring to risk the possibility of getting hurt, so I can get closer to her. Her eyes slowly start to flutter open as the sun moves outside, managing to start shining in her eyes and she slowly stares from her sleep. It takes her a moment to realise where she is and then she finally looks at me. We hold eye contact, which makes my stomach do crazy things. Her eyes shine, the intensity of them and the blueness sends a shiver through me. I feel like I'm staring into a clear blue ocean when I look into her eyes. An ocean that I'm sure I'm going to drown in, I'm going to drown in her and I don't even care that I can't swim. I can think of worse ways to leave this earth than drowning in her. I'm surprised, yet delighted as her fingers gently graze my arm and goose bumps form on my skin from her simple touch. We don't speak, we don't need any words because this is it. This is all I want, just her. I want just me and her forever. There's something inside, something deep down that tells me this is it. It tells me I've found the one and I know no matter what happens I'm not letting her go. I'll never let her go, even if she doesn't want me anymore. I'm in deep shit, I know it and so does she.

End of Flashback

The pain I'm feeling right now is like every bit of pain I've ever felt in my life all rolled together and forced upon me at once. There's nothing in this world that could be more painful than this, not even losing Freddy felt like this. I loved Freddy, he was son of course I loved him, but he wasn't with me long enough to completely change my life. Not like Sienna has. I know that's a terrible way to think, terrible thoughts to have, but it's true. I need to start being truthful, even if that just means being honest with myself at first. The love I've got for Sienna doesn't even compare to what I've felt for anyone else.

I stay on the floor, unable to get up, even though it feels like my knees are on fire. I didn't think about the pain as my body crashed to the floor, but the pain my body is feeling is nothing compared to the raging fire I feel in my chest. It burns, it burns like nothing I've ever felt before.

I feel Niall's hands on me, pressed against my back, trying to calm me down and trying to stop the ear wrenching cries that leave my gaping mouth. I can't stop though, I can't stop crying because I need answers, I need to know why this is happening to me, to her. I need to know how we can get through this, I need to know how to make everything okay. I throw my head back, focusing on the ceiling and screaming to God begging him for answers, wanting to understand his motives.

I know I've down shit things in the past, bad things, but nobody deserves this. Nobody in the world deserves to lose everything they have and everyone that matters to them. I use to have faith, but all faith has left me now. I believed in God, I used him to get me through my heroin addiction. I used God to help me get better, but now it feels like I'm being punished. I can't believe anymore; I can't believe now after everything that's happened. How can I even believe God exists at all? If God exists there's no way something like this could happen to one person. I don't care what anyone else says or think, I know deep down I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be completely destroyed and killed inside. Religion and belief is a croak of shit, complete and utter shit.

Everything I've been through in the past was nothing, nothing compared to this now. Everything that I went through with Daisy, with drugs, all of it was nothing. The pain of those things wasn't even an inch of what I feel now. My heart could be ripped out and I swear I wouldn't feel it. I don't think it's even beating at all, not anymore. Niall's arms are around me, comforting me and he crouches on the floor beside me. He's falling apart too, drowning in his own grief. She's his best friend, he loves her and what's happening to her is killing him too. I fall into him, taking comfort from him as both of us kneel on the floor and we cry into each other. The worst thing is Sienna doesn't realise how much she is loved and how much she means to us, to everyone. She doesn't know how many lives she's touched, changed and now I'll never be able to make her see that. She'll never know how much I love her, because I didn't tell her enough. I never told her I loved her, not when I had the chance. I always thought we had forever, I thought we had longer, but we didn't. The forever I thought we had never existed, meaning all the things I wanted to tell her I can't now. There's so many things I want to tell her, so many things I want her to tell me, but it's too late now. I'm always too late and it'll haunt me now forever. It'll haunt me until the day I die. That day can't come quick enough, the day I die can't come any sooner.

*** I stare into space, staring straight ahead at the white walls of the waiting room. I don't know how I got in here, I don't know how I'm even breathing anymore. Everything that's happened today feels like a blur, which I can't make any sense of. All I know is that my life is over, completely over. Niall has stayed with me, thankfully not leaving my side since we heard the heart breaking news. We're just here waiting now, waiting for more news and waiting for my mum to come back. I don't want to tell her what's happening, but she needs to know. The thought of breaking this news to her makes me feel sick. I feel dread filling me as I think about the list of people who I'll have to break the news too. I don't know if I can say the words to myself let alone anyone else. How am I meant to tell people the Sienna they love and care about has gone? That all that's left behind is a shell, one that looks like the woman they love, but doesn't enclose the same characteristics or charm she once had. The clock in the room ticks by, until eventually the door to the waiting room opens. I drag my mind away from my painful thoughts, finding my mum standing by the door. She looks relaxed and refreshed, the hours away from here doing her some good. She smiles at me, but then her smile disappears. She knows something's wrong, really wrong. I can't hide the grief and pain that appears on my face, I don't even want to hide it. I want her and everyone else to see how much this is damaging me. I want everyone to know how broken I am, how shattered I'll be without her.

"What's happened?" she asks worriedly. Her voice starts to crack as she speaks, her caring eyes filled with worry as she steps further into the room. I don't know if I can even find the words, I don't know if I'm capable of telling her what's happened or what's going to happen. I need to say it though, I need to tell her, I can't leave it up to Niall. I've got to take responsibility because she's mine. Sienna is mine and I'm finally going to step up and be the man she always needed me to be. "M...m....mum" my bottom lip shakes as I cry out her name.

She takes long strides over to me, bending down in front of me and she stares at me. She places her hands on my quivering knees, gripping me tightly. She stares into my eyes and my hands shake as they run through my long greasy hair. She quickly takes hold of one of my hands, gently running her thumb over my rough skin. She lifts my hand, gently placing her lips on my skin and kissing me gently, attempting to soothe me. I take a deep breath, pain searing through me as I attempt to pass some of my pain on, passing it unwillingly onto my mum.

"She isn't going to wake up" I manage to say. Her eyes instantly fill up with tears, her front teeth biting down on her bottom lip as she does all she can to keep her tears at bay. It's too late for me, my tears are already flowing down my face. I don't even want to stop myself from crying, not anymore. I can't be strong, there's nothing strong about me now. I want everyone to see my emotions, I want everyone to see how much I love this woman and how much she means to me.

"She's practically gone" I whimper. She uses her spare hand to cover her mouth, covering the whimpers that leave her lips. The tears fall down her cheeks as she too loses someone she loves. They had their issues, they had their problems, but my mum and Sienna grew closer once Freddy was born. My mum couldn't help falling in love with Sienna, like everyone always does. This is killing my mum watching as I lose my family, the last piece of my family and there's nothing she can do to stop it. Her motherly instinct will tell her to protect me, but she can't. In the same way that Sienna couldn't protect Freddy, some things are out of our control, like this. We've got to let fate step in and allow it to destroy everything it wants, including the woman I love. I've got to let it destroy my life and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Not a single damn thing.

***FlashbackI don't know what I was thinking, I suppose I wasn't thinking. If I was thinking straight I wouldn't be here now, I wouldn't have lied to everyone about where I was going. I wouldn't have sneaked here, keeping a low profile wherever possible. If I was thinking I wouldn't have this sick feeling inside, or nerves prickling my skin. I park my car outside the gates, staring up at the grand house as I do. It's secluded, like I knew it would be, which is a good thing. The sun beams down through my window screen, making me sweat and making me feel like I need a cold shower. It probably wasn't my wisest choice wearing a black t-shirt, especially when I knew I was coming to LA. It's always hot here, unlike home. I get out of my car, locking it behind me and I quickly make way to the house gates. I push the gates open, allowing myself inside the property's grounds. I quickly walk inside, not wanting anyone to see me. I stare around the grounds realising I don't ever think things through properly, but I suppose that's why I'm here now. I know though in this exact moment I don't regret it, but I might do depending on her actions. I may regret this if she demands I leave, refusing to hear me out. She might even be angry with me, possibly even raging. I'm willing to take the risk though; I've already risked enough being here.

I slowly walk through the grounds, heading towards the front door. I quickly reach it and when I do I take a deep breath as I press the doorbell. I wait patiently hoping she's here because I don't fancy sitting on the porch until she returns. I attempt to peer through the frosted glass of the front door, but I can't see any silhouette or movement behind it. I press the doorbell again, repeating the action a few times, hoping she might be in the shower and she hadn't heard the initial ring. I'm not going anywhere though, whether she's here or not. I'll wait as long as I need to do to see her. I didn't fly all the way to LA, nor did I lie to everyone I know for nothing. I need to see her; I need to see Sienna now. I just want to see her beautiful face; I just want to talk to her. I want to speak to someone who understands me, like she always manages to do. After a few minutes there's still no movement and no sigh of life from inside the house. I sigh, forcing myself to give up and to sit down on the steps, which lead up to the porch. I stare out into the garden, watching the sun slowly starting to go down, which starts to allow night time to fall upon us. My mind goes wild, wondering where she could possibly be at this time. Hours pass me by, yet I still don't move and night is upon me. The sun has gone down, taking my hope with it. I hear a noise behind me, making me jump as I turn around and I watch as the door opens. I hear a small gasp from behind me, which makes me quickly stand up. Then I come face to face with her, my Sienna. Her blue eyes are open wide in surprise, gracefully trailing over my body. I can't believe she's been in this whole time! I've been sat out in for hours for nothing! I can't even overthink that though because she's here now, she's here in front of me. I don't bother to question her about why she didn't open the door to me because deep down I don't even care.

She's got her designer handbag slung over her shoulder, telling me she's on her way out. She looks nice, simple black dress and black sandals, but still she looks better than any other woman I know. "Harry?" she questions "What're you doing here?" It hits me then that I'm not quite sure why I'm here. I'm not sure why I got on a plane and rushed here, rushed back to her. I can't explain it to myself, I can't explain what I'm feeling inside, let alone explain it to her.

"I came to see you." She stares at me confused, a slight atmosphere filling the air between us. I don't blame her for being off with me, not after everything I've done in the past. I haven't exactly made things easy for her. I suppose we haven't really been great friends lately either. "Why?" she asks. She isn't making this easy and I know right then that I've got my work cut out in trying to make this right. She isn't just going to just accept me back into her life with open arms, like I thought she would. I need to repair the damage I've previously caused between us. "I missed you" I admit. It isn't easy being this honest and open with her. The old Harry could do that, but the new sober me is more reserved these days. I can be quite shy, quite closed off to my feelings, but I'd choose the person I am now any day to the man I use to be. At least now I'm not the drunken arsehole I once was. I hope she can see that, see that I've changed and become a better person. "I don't want to see you" she says firmly. I stare at her wide eyed and I watch as she walks back inside the house, shutting the door behind her. She locks the door, leaving me outside alone. I stay on the step in this same position, expecting her to open the door again, but she doesn't. She doesn't come back outside, nor does she answer the door again, even when I repeatedly press the doorbell. I keep it up for several minutes, but she still ignores me. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I'm not giving up on her, or us. It'll take a lot more than a closed door for me to give up. I'll be back in the morning; I'll be back every day until she sees me. She'll give in eventually, she always does. She loves me, I love her and you can't just give up on love. It's impossible, trust me I've tried.End of Flashback

The minutes go by slowly, every second is more painful than the last. It seems to get worse, every second the pain intensifies. My mum holds my hand, quiet cries leaving her mouth and I can't even cry. I can't cry anymore because I'm all cried out. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. The door opens and the doctor walks in again, back to give us more bad news I imagine.

I can't speak, I can't greet him. I leave it to my mum, leave it to her to soak in his words. He talks and I don't listen, I just stare into space. I'm lost in my own thoughts, lost in thoughts of what else I can do. There's got to be something, there has to be some kind of miracle. There's got to be something else we can do to save her. This can't be the end; I refuse to accept this is the end for her and us. I don't care how much it costs, I'll give every last penny of my fortune to save her. I'll give my own life to save her, I'd give anything for her to be okay. "Harry" my mum says. She squeezes my hand, dragging me back to reality. I manage to look at her, removing my vision from the spot on the wall. Her eyes are filled with pain, pure pain and it makes me want to die. I just want to curl up and die. "Did you hear what the doctor said?" she asks. I didn't hear anything, so I somehow manage to shake my head. I know by the look on my mum's face that the doctor once again hasn't brought us good news. There's no good news he can bring us, nothing, not now. The tears slowly slip down my face and my heart falls further into the brinks of my stomach. How will I ever be able to breathe normally again? How will I ever be okay again? "Harry" the doctor speaks.

I can't even remember his name; I can't even remember his face. I should know him; I should know every detail of this mans face. He's the one who's got the love of my life's life hanging in his hands, but he feels like a total stranger to me now. I turn to him, staring at his caring eyes, but I find no comfort from him. What comfort can I get from a stranger? He can't help me; he can't even help her. "We've done all we can for her" he says caringly. I stop breathing then I'm sure of it, I literally can't even feel my own heart beating. I feel like my organs are shutting down, one by one. My heart was the first to go and everything else is just following. They're all giving up one by one. "I think the best option is to turn off her life support machine. She isn't able to breathe on her own, she's unlikely to ever be able to breathe on her own." My soul seems to leave me as I take in his words. How can I have a soul when my soul mate is being taken away from me? My other half, the better half of me. I can't even cry; the pain is too intense for tears to justify it. I can't say goodbye, I won't say goodbye. "No!" I manage to get out. My mum squeezes my hand, trying to calm me down, but I can't be calmed. "This can't be the end!" I claim "There's got to be more you can do! You've got to do more!" The doctor stares at me sympathetically, trying to show me he cares, but he doesn't. He doesn't care like I do, she's just another patient to him. I see that now, she's just another person. She isn't important to him, not like she is to me. He doesn't realise if she dies, so do I. "We've done all we can" he assures me. I don't believe him though, if it was his wife he was talking about would he have given up already. I doubt it. He'd keep fighting, he'd do everything in his power to save her. So, why should Sienna be any different? "I don't care how much it takes to save her, I'll pay it! I'll give you every penny I've got if you save her. Please" I beg. I'm ready to get on my knees, I'm ready to cling to this mans trouser legs until he changes his mind. He can't just dismiss me, I won't be dismissed. "The damage to her brain is too significant, Harry. There's no amount of money that could save her, I assure you if there was anything we could do I'd either be doing it or I'd be giving you the options. I'm not going to give you any false hope. There's nothing anyone can do." I shake my head, releasing my hand from my mum's and I cover my face with my hands. I sob into them, fresh tears venturing out of my eyes. What am I meant to do now? How am I meant to say goodbye? How am I meant to give the go ahead for her to be taken away from me forever?