Chapter 41

Chapter 41

A/N – only a few more chapters to go guys until the end :)Harry's POVMy gaze falls on him, on Louis, I watch every step he takes down the corridor, drawing nearer to us. His posture is tense, his shoulders held up towards his ears and his hands held in tight fists by his side. His feet slam loudly on the floor with every step he takes, echoing through the empty corridor. I know I'm about to face the argument of my life, I'm about to face the consequences for my actions. I'm not ready for this, not today. I'd say after Zayn; Louis is the next member of One Direction I always argued the most with. We've clashed a lot over recent years, something we didn't do in the beginning. The problem is he's opinionated, overly opinionated and he always had a habit of pushing me too far. He used to piss me off, pushing me, until eventually I always snapped. I snapped quite a few times at him, more than I wish I had. There were occasions when I got so angry with him that we'd often get in each other's faces. In most recent years that's happened more times than I care to even remember and I know that's down to me. That's down to me not being able to hold me tongue or my temper. I can't seem to hold my temper in with anyone these days, but I know I was worse in One Direction. I know I was a nightmare to work with and a nightmare to be around. This man has been my best friend, since we where teenagers and we joined the band. We've been closer than two people could ever be, but years passed and we changed. We grew up, grew apart and then we've drifted between friends and enemies. We've hated each other, I've hated him with every bit of hate I've had inside myself. That hate did die at times, but it's never fully left for him, not since I walked away from One Direction. He's never really forgiven me for ending my link to him and the band. He's always been fiercely loyal and committed to the band, committed to the other three guys and to the fans, but my loyalty died. I was loyal in the beginning, but this industry burns you out and that's what it did to me. It burnt me out, took everything I had and I stopped caring in the end. I stopped caring about it all, even the music. The different between us was he still wanted it, he'll always want it, even long after it ends and the guys go their separate ways. He is One Direction, he's everything the band represents, he's the heart of it. Even when the band ends, in years to come everyone will remember him, he'll be the one they remember. I still wish at times I'd stayed on that journey with them, finished it with them, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't finish the journey with them, my happiness was more important and that's something Louis will never understand. He doesn't want to understand and I haven't got the time to make him see it from my perspective. His long strides quickly pay off and in no time he stands before me, ready to fight. He wastes no time in gripping my t-shirt in his small hands and he slams my back against the nearest wall. I don't flinch, I feel nothing because we've been here a hundred times before. I don't want to make a scene here, it's the last place I want trouble to start. What else am I meant to do though? He's turned up here wanting a fight and it'll take every bit of self-control I have not to give him one. His dark eyes study me, his stare burning into me. His jaw is tense and his teeth are clenched together, like an angry guard dog, spotting an intruder in his territory. He's going to attack, any second now he'll attack me. I stare back at him, coolly and not matching his angry stare. I haven't got the strength to be angry, not anymore. My energy is all being taken up by Sienna and my concern for her wellbeing.

Suddenly, Eleanor is beside us and she's trying to pull Louis away from me, but her weak pathetic frame isn't going to make any difference. She couldn't lift a shopping bag, let alone part two grown men. I lean my head back on the wall, ignoring Eleanor's protests and I let Louis think he's the bigger man. I let him think that he's got the better of me, even though he hasn't. I could end him if I wanted too, but I don't care enough to end him.

"Why the fuck did I ever consider you my friend?" he asks aggressively.

I don't say anything, his words resonating in my head. We use to be friends, but times changed. We changed and in reality I stopped being his friend years ago, maybe deep down we never really were friends. I've got no loyalty to him, not to anyone especially when alcohol and sex are involved. Eleanor was just more proof of that, more proof that I'm disjointed from everyone and that I'm selfish. I'm just a simple man, who doesn't ever consider anyone else's feelings. I'm a cunt, I know I am and I always will be. I don't think I have the capability of being anything else. "Stop!" Eleanor snaps "This isn't the time or place." She tries to lower her voice, tries to keep it down, so we don't draw any attention from the nurses or security. The moment we're suspected of making a scene we'll be kicked out of the hospital. They'll stop any of us from coming back in and I know I can't risk that. I can't risk not being able to be near Sienna. "You don't get to tell me what to do anymore!" Louis stares firmly at Eleanor "So, shut the fuck up!"

He's still gripping my t-shirt, but his eyes are focused on her. Her eyes are open wide and she looks shocked at the way he's speaking to her. She should be use to that by now, his tone isn't anything new. He's never had any respect for her, but then again who does have respect for her. She doesn't respect herself, she never has, so no bloke will ever respect her either. I don't have any respect for her, not anymore. "Louis, please calm down" she says gingerly "Don't do this here." "Where do you want to do it then?" he questions "Is there really an appropriate place to discuss you two fucking each other behind my back?" Her cheeks flush pink, her eyes move to the ground. His words forcing her to feel some embarrassment and shame, which I didn't think she was capable of feeling. Perhaps, she does have a conscience after all, at least one of us has.

"Let's talk about it at home" she offers. She's wasting her breath, we aren't talking about this anywhere other than here and she knows it. He'll happily make a scene in front of everyone, like he's done many times before in the past. "No, you don't have a home. You don't live with me anymore! You can fuck off back to your mum and dads. Explain to them what a fucking hussy you are!" I stay against the wall, his hands still on me and I watch almost amused as they argue. I'd laugh out loud if all my happiness hadn't been drained away from me. I could even add my thoughts in, possibly cause more trouble, but there's no point. These two are already way beyond repair and they have been for as long as I can remember. "You can't kick me out I'm pregnant!" she protests "That house is half mine too, I own half of it!" The longer their fight drags out the more I inwardly cringe, hearing them. I shouldn't be involved in their stupid domestic, I've got enough shit of my own to worry about. How did I manage to get dragged into this? I don't care what Louis says these two where fucked up long before I came along and dabbled with her, so they can't blame me for destroying them. He wasn't happy with her, he hadn't been happy for ages and that's why they broke up last time. Why did they even get back together? What were they thinking?

I remember when I use to envy them, envy their relationship. I wanted to have a relationship just like theirs back then because on the surface it seemed so perfect. I always wanted me and Sienna to have what they had. I use to compare everything we had to them and find faults in our relationship. How stupid was I? I can see now that we had way more passion, more love in our relationship, then these two ever did. We were happier and more in love than these two ever have been or ever could be. I can finally see it, I can finally see how perfectly matched me and Sienna are. I just wish I'd realised it sooner, rather than later.

"When I divorce you I'll be leaving you with fuck all, so get use to it!" "Listen" I start to speak. Louis' head snaps back round, focusing on me again. His eyes are raging, carving his hate into me slice by slice. I regret speaking immediately, knowing I should keep my mouth shut. "Don't try and fucking preach your shit to me, you twat!" he curses. His direct words startle me slightly, seeing his rage isn't going to diminish any time soon. He's getting angrier if anything, which tells me this is leading to trouble. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen" I protest. It's true, I really didn't want this to happen. I didn't think for a single second when I fucked Eleanor that it would lead to this now. I thought it'd be a quick shag and that'd be it. I thought everything would just carry on as normal and we'd carry on like nothing ever even happened between us. I didn't think she'd get so invested, I didn't think she'd get pregnant and be having my baby. If I'd known any of this would've happened, I'd never have let it happen in the first place. I'd never have got pissed that night, I wouldn't have let her influence me to be weak. I'd never have touched a single vodka and I'd have stuck with Sienna, I'd have left the restaurant when she did. Fuck! I wish I knew all of this back then, I wouldn't be here now and neither would they. Well, I'd still be at the hospital, but I'd be with my family. I'd be in that waiting room with them, and we'd be helping each other get through this. I wouldn't feel completely alone, watching these two fall further apart. "You never mean for anything to happen! You never mean to do any of the bad shit that you do, yet you keep doing it. You still keep doing this endless horrible shit! You keep hurting everyone, you never learn your lesson. You're poison Harry, fucking poison!" Louis lays into me. I should be affected by his words, hurt perhaps, but I'm not. How can words hurt when you're numb inside? There's a part of me that wants him to kick the shit out of me, so then I might be able to feel something. It'd help distract me from the emptiness I feel inside. "You ruin everything around you, everyone that comes into contact with you. First Daisy, then Freddy and now Sienna." His words hit me right in the gut and he arises feelings of anger inside me. The rage starts to build in my stomach as I think about the people I've cared about and lost. Firstly, Daisy, poor fucking Daisy. I know she wasn't innocent, but her ending was down to being involved with me. If I hadn't let her keep putting needles into my arms, if I hadn't relied so heavily on her and the drugs, then she might still be here today. I know she was feeding her own addiction, but by feeding mine too, it made hers worse. I destroyed her, took everything she had to offer and then she died. She died beside me and I still have nightmares, where I see her deadly white face. I can still see her lifeless body when I close my eyes. That image of her will never go away and that's how I remember her now. I don't see her as the beautiful funny woman she was, I see her with nothing behind her eyes. Then there's Freddy. My angel. My everything. I loved him, I loved him with every ounce of me. I didn't even know I had that much love left in me to give. He was my world and I never told him that. I didn't hold him enough, I didn't tell him I loved him every day that he was here. I didn't carve memories in my head about the size of his hands, the colour of his lips or the way his skin smelt. I didn't cherish every second I had with him, I took him for granted. I took having him in my life for granted and then he was taken away from me. He left me and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to him. I was too selfish, too fucked up to be there in his last hours. I pushed him away, like I always push everyone I know away. I did love him, not like Sienna did though and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I'll regret not being a better father until I take my own last breaths. Lastly, there's Sienna, my sweet darling Sienna. She's all I have left, I've got nothing without her. She's still the blood running through my damaged veins, she's the hope that still burns inside me. I can easily admit to myself that she's the only thing keeping me together, but I never told her that. The only thing that's getting me through is thinking about the memories we created together in the years we've been together. She's the only reason I'm still living now because without her I'm nothing. I mean nobody else even knows me, not like she does. She knows every dark edge of my heart and she still loves me. She still loves me through all my flaw and every shit thing I've ever done to her. I see it, I see the love she has for me, when she looks into my eyes. She'll always love me and I her. It doesn't matter how much I've taken from her, no amount of pain I've caused will ever make her not love me. I thinks it's impossible for her to stop loving me and I've always known that. I've always taken advantage of that, I took advantage of her love over and over again. I didn't care that I was hurting her because I did it all the time and it still didn't stop me. Every time I cheated or betrayed her I never gave her a second thought, not until it was too late because I'm selfish. I've been a dick time and time again, but this time I swear I'll make it right. If she can get through this, then I swear I'll never hurt her again. I'll love her this time how I always should've done, I'll appreciate every moment like I should've done before. I'll make sure she knows I love her, every single day. I just need one more chance, one more last chance.

"Are you listening to me?" Louis rages. He's expecting a violent response from me, but I'm past fighting. I'm past letting Sienna down, so my fists remain by my side. I don't want to fight with him over Eleanor and the baby. I don't want to fight over that part of my life because it isn't worth it. "No, I'm not listening" I admit "I'm not going to fight with you. I don't give a shit about her, I don't give a shit about being in the baby's life. I'll support them both financially, but I can't be a dad, not again." Louis stares at me, eyes opening wide in shock as I finish my sentence. He lets go of me, shoving me away and he turns to face Eleanor. He steps away from me, holding his hands to his head in despair. He moves one hand to his stomach, crouching over slightly, like he's just been punched in his stomach. I watch him in confusion, not knowing what's going on. I look at Eleanor, she's crying and her thin face is filled with torment. What's she fucking done now?

"Oh god, I'm going to be sick!" he claims. He doesn't though and I keep watching him and then her. She's sobbing and then he's breaking down too. The pair of them crying in the middle of the corridor, like they've just received life damaging news. He finally speaks to her, his words infuriating me. "How could you fucking lie? How could you tell me the baby's mine when it's his?" The anger rises quickly, pulsing through me and I'm about to release my fury. The lying deceitful bitch! Her face is consumed with guilt, her mouth remaining closed. If she wasn't a woman I'd smash my fist down her throat, until I'd knocked all of her teeth out. The fucking filthy lying bitch! She's told us both we're the dad! So, how am I meant to believe a word she says now? There must be a chance Louis is the father, maybe then I can get out of this. It'd be best for everyone if he was the father, then I could just walk away and leave them to get on with their lives. I wouldn't even need to tell Sienna what's happened. She'd never need to know Eleanor and I betrayed her. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. I mean I don't know who the father is." My heart sinks, realising it could be either of us who's the father. There's a fifty percent chance that the baby is mine and knowing my luck it'll be mine. It'll be my baby inside her, which is going to ruin my life. It'll ruin everything I have with Sienna.

"Fuck" Louis cries. He was furious earlier when he thought we'd just slept together, so now he must be beyond furious knowing the baby could be mine. Eleanor keeps crying and I can't help doubting her tears, doubting if she's being genuine because everything she does seems fake to me. I know in her head she wants me to be the father, so she can get her claws into me. She wants to have a hold over me, so I can't leave her behind, in the past where she belongs.

My thoughts are dragged to earlier though, when she arrived here and she said Louis had found out about us by the text messages we'd sent one another. If he'd read the messages, then he'd already know that she told me I'm the father. Is she telling me more lies? I'm starting to think she's a bigger liar than me and that takes some beating.

Louis quickly turns to me and without warning his fist connects with my cheek, knocking me side ways. My face aches, feeling blood fill my mouth and I can taste that horrible metallic taste of blood. I know I deserve that, I deserve that punch and many more. I don't hit him back because I deserve the repercussions of what I've done. "That's for fucking my wife!" he states. If I was going head to head with him, then I'd destroy him. I'd fucking break him. I've had a lot more experience in fighting and getting into trouble, a lot more than he has. If this was any other time, any other situation then he'd be laying in a pool of his own blood. He swipes in once again and I let his fist connect with my face again. He hits me in the same place, harder this time and causing me more pain. I swallow the blood forming in my mouth, disgusting me and almost making me vomit. I'd normally spit the blood out on the floor, but I can't do that here.

"That's for pretending to be my best friend for all those years!" He lifts his fist again, ready to hit me for a third time, but this time I grip his arm. I stop him swinging for me and I squeeze his arm tightly, squeezing his bones. He tries to use his other arm, trying to punch me with that one, but I grip that too. I stop him from reining another blow down on me. I know I deserve a punch, maybe a couple, but I'm not fucking stupid to keep letting him hit me. "I gave you those two shots for free because I deserve them. But I'm not stupid enough to let you keep hitting me" I warn him. He drags himself from my tightening grip, moving away from me, but he never breaks eye contact with me. "I hope when Sienna wakes up that she finally realises what a waste of space you are and she finally leaves you!"

A lump forms in my throat, my thoughts moving back to Sienna and it takes every bit of strength I have not to cry. He doesn't realise that she may never wake up. He doesn't realise how serious this is and how ill she is. "The doctor said she may never wake up."

His eyes still have tears in them from the baby revelation, but my words make his forehead wrinkle in confusion, taking in what I'm saying. "What?" he asks confused. "The doctor told us earlier that she may never regain consciousness. He said if she does wake up that she may never be the same, again." His face falls, my words breaking him further and hurting him even more. His hand swipes through his hair, moving it out of his eyes, so it isn't falling in his face. "No! No! This can't happen!" It is happening though and as much as none of us want it to happen we can't stop it. It's too late, the damage is already done. "She can't die" he whimpers. She could die though and that kills me to even think it. I can't handle thinking of my life without her. I don't know who I am without her, I'm nothing without all the Harry and Sienna drama. I don't know how to be without her, not properly. Every time we split up in the past I always knew we'd get back together; in the end we'd be together. We've always meant to be together. I've already lost Freddy; I can't cope losing her too.

"She can, she could" I tell him. He stares at me, ready to lose it. His body looks ready to crumble and it pisses me off. He doesn't have a right to care so deeply for her. He's nothing to her, he's never been anything to her. He doesn't know how painful this really is because he doesn't feel half of what I feel for her. His feelings and pain are nothing compared to mine. His eyes narrow, his tears stop falling and his sharp facial features pinch together. He starts to point his finger at me, jabbing it back and forth as he speaks. "You fucking ruined her! You ruined her life! You've fucking broke her, no wonder she's here now!" He's right, I know he's right and anyone else who knows us would agree. I did endless shit to her, but it isn't his place to say it. He should know he added to her grief too, causing her hate too. She wanted nothing to do with him, she ended up hating him. He just can't cope with the fact that she wanted me, she always wanted me, no matter what I did. He hates that he never stood a chance with her, not with me around.

"You didn't even know her, not in the end. You've got no idea what we became, you've no idea who we are together, not now!" I might be a worthless piece of shit on my own, but I was always better when I was with her. I was always something more than Harry when we were united and anyone who knows me could see that. He's back in my face within seconds and his fist is once again connecting with my face. This time I'm not going to stand back and let him hit me. He's got no right to hit me, not when I'm speaking the truth about what I have with Sienna. There's no fucking chance I'm going to let anyone put me and Sienna down, not even him. "STOP!" Eleanor cries loudly. We don't listen to her though. Her voice barely even audible to us. The punches are flying between us, connecting over and over again, hitting each other anywhere we can. I throw my fist back, ready to end him with one mighty punch, but as I throw my fist towards him I'm dragged back. My fist falls short and I miss him, seeing him quickly held back by Niall. I'm being held by my mum and sister, forcing me to regain control and to become calm again. Louis on the other hand is still raging and he thrashes against Niall, trying to get back to me to finish what we started. At one time it'd take several men to hold me back, but I haven't got the same fight in me anymore, not like I once had. I suppose that could be because everything I had to fight for has disappeared. There's nothing left to fight for anymore.

"Stop this!" my mum demands. Louis stares at my mum and I see him calming down in almost an instance. He respects my mum and he wouldn't want to disrespect her by swearing and fighting me in front of her. I know I'd be the same if his mum was holding me back and telling us to stop. I'd respect what she was saying and I'd stop. "This isn't the time for fighting, leave your disagreements for another time. It's best if you both go" my mum advises looking from Louis to Eleanor. Eleanor nods, seeming to be uncomfortable with my mum's judging stare. She stares at me, wanting me to say something, but I've got nothing to say to her. I don't even want to look at her. "This can be sorted out at a later date" my mum claims calmly. Louis nods, staring at my mum with sorry eyes and he apologises with a 'Sorry Anne'. He makes no attempt to apologise to me, not that I'd be willing to accept it anyway. Niall releases his hold on Louis and my mum and Gemma do the same with me. He doesn't come back at me, which I knew he wouldn't.

"Can you please keep me updated on how she is? She means a lot to me, she always has" Louis says sadly. I almost say something, but I don't. I want to tell him he meant nothing to her, but I keep my thoughts to myself. "I will" Niall tells him. Louis thanks Niall and without another word he turns away, heading back up the corridor he came charging down, not long ago. Eleanor stays where she is, lurking and I can sense my mum tittering on the edge. She's getting tense and any second now she's going to hit the roof, attacking Eleanor verbally when she does. "You should go" I tell her, wanting rid of her. "Okay, call me" she says. I've no intentions of calling her, no intentions of speaking to her ever again. Although, I know I'll have to face her sooner rather than later. I don't say anything as she turns away and she walks up the corridor, which Louis just walked up. She quickly disappears and I feel better instantly, knowing I don't have to deal with her for a while. "You just keep on disappointing me" my mum states. I turn to her and she shakes her head at me disappointedly, before walking away and going back into the waiting room. She's quickly joined by Gemma and Niall, leaving me alone. I don't say anything because I know all I've ever done is disappoint her. I'm a disappointment, always have been and I always will be. ***

Time drifts by, hours merging into each other, until I lose all track of time. I keep drifting in and out of sleep, which I'm not sure how I manage on this uncomfortable chairs. My mum and Gemma have gone to get changed at their hotel and to get something to eat, so only Niall and I remain. We haven't spoken since they left, we've got nothing to say to each other. I've been waiting for the doctor to update us on Sienna's progress and after what feels like a lifetime the waiting room door opens. The familiar doctor walks in and all I can think about is holding my girl and telling her that I love her. I want to stare into her bright blue eyes, I want to kiss her full lips. I want to take in the scent of her coconut shampoo, which will still linger in her hair. I just want to be near her and I'm not sure how much longer my body can cope without being close to hers. The doctor walks towards us and I'm up on my feet, Niall standing beside me. The doctor's hair is still held neatly in place and his face is serious, but caring at the same time. He seems so kept together, even though he deals with tragedy every day. I can tell just by looking at him that he loves his job. He loves saving people and all I want to know is if he's saved my girl. I wish she realised how many people cared about her and how loved she is. That the girl who never knew her real family is part of one now, my family. "How is she? Can I see her?" I burst in straight away with my questions. "Yes, you should be able to see her shortly" he advises.

My heart lifts, my spirit rising as I acknowledge his words, which tell me she's okay. She's made it through, she's stable. The darkness seems to be swept away instantly and I can see colour coming back into my black and white world.

"Is she okay?" Niall asks. "Take a seat" he advises.

My legs start to shake as Niall and I both slowly sit back down in our seats and we stare at the doctor. He seems so serious now, which terrifies me. He kneels down, so that we're staring down at him. He's so calm, everything I'm not. "Sienna's breathing with the help of a ventilator, she isn't able to breathe on her own at the moment and we're not sure she'll ever be able too. We've rushed through the CT scan, we've got the results back, and the news isn't what we were hoping for. I'm sorry to tell you that Sienna's suffered significant brain damage." A lump forms in my throat, tears filling my eyes and my hand instantly moves to the seat beside me. I search for Niall's hand, needing his support to get through this. He takes my hand and we hold hands tightly, waiting for news that'll break us both. "She suffered numerous blood clots to her brain, which has led to permanent damage. The damage to her brain is so severe that it's unlikely she'll ever wake up and if she does then she'll be unlikely to ever walk or talk. I'm so sorry, we did all we could." The room is filled with screams, painful screams and endless sobs. My whole world crashes down around me, smashing down and breaking apart. Those screams, those broken painful cries are coming from me. I'm sobbing, screaming out in pain as I crash to the floor and land on my knees. My whole world is in flames and there's no way of me putting the fire out. My life has been destroyed. My love, my Sienna will never be my Sienna, never again. She'll never be the person I know; the person I love. What's the point in me without her? There's no Harry, not without Sienna. My sky is empty without her, no stars left in my night sky. This is the beginning of my ending.