Chapter 27 - Br Ba

I followed a strict structure and routine when I was growing up.

That bible verse about having a time for everything rang true for me and my sisters.

My grandmother made sure that we followed our schedule and behaved according to societal expectations.

Sunday lunch was one of them.

There used to be three of us sharing the meal back when Nueng was still home and Song was still alive.

Kirk made appearances over the years and became a regular part of it after we got engaged.

Occasionally, he would missed it when he had to attend to meetings.

This lunch was one of them.

I waited until after grandmother and I were done with the main course.

She was in high spirits as she talked about the wedding preparations that were almost finished.

The only thing left to do was the painful walk down the very long aisle.

When we visited the church, I thought that with the distance from door to the altar, I could pull a Julia Roberts and run.

I even planned on changing to runners instead of wearing the stilettos that matched the wedding dress.

But it was all in my head.

There would be no runaway bride that day.

That would be cowardice on my part if I did it.

We occupied only a small space of the large rectangular table.

The help kept coming in and out from the kitchen to bring food, take out the empty dishes and bring more food in.

The empty spot to the right of my grandmother and to my left always gave me a sense of loneliness.

That was where my sisters used to sit.

"I cannot wait for you to tie the knot, Sam." She dabbed the side of her lips with the cloth napkin.

"There's something I have to tell you," I put the spoon back on the plate.

One of the help rushed in to take it away.

When she left the room, I continued speaking.

"Is something the matter?" Her face filled with worry.

"I'm sick."

"What do you mean you're sick?"

I told her about my treatment and how the migraine episodes have been reduced but not completely alleviated.

I didn't tell her about the bad episode I had one day where I could barely open my eyes.

The severe pain didn't give me time to run to the bathroom.

I grabbed the wastebasket close to the bed and puked.

It was the reason why I called the doctor to talk about the other option.

"I have decided to go for surgery," I took a deep breath, feeling the knots in my chest finally loosened.

On the way to her house, I turned things over in my head trying to figure out the best way to tell her the news.

There was no other way than to tell it like it is.

My grandmother leaned on the chair and contemplated on what I just said.

"Is it risky?"

"A surgery is always risky. But don't worry," I took her hand that was on the table, "I have the best medical team. They will take care of me."

"Does Kirk know about this?"

"No."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"Because from now on, I don't want him to be a part of my life."

"What are you talking about?" Her expression turned to confusion and anger.

"I am not marrying him."

"Sam, what does your surgery have to do with not marrying Kirk?"

"Nothing."

"Then what is this really about?"

"Alright," I took the napkin and wiped my lips.

"I don't love him. I never have. I never will."

There was one help in the room.

She heard most of what I said.

This will be breaking news in their quarters later.

My grandmother waved a hand and told her to close the door.

"Do you hear what you're saying?" She asked in a calm manner.

I panicked even more.

But I told myself to be strong.

This was not the moment to back out.

"Yes. I thought about this for a long time. But I never had the courage until now." My voice faltered.

I felt my resolve slipping but I swallowed the fear that was building in my chest.

"I always kept my promise especially when it comes to you, grandmother. I never want to hurt you or to fail you. But I have to do it this time. If I want to live."

"But what is life if you're not happy?"

I scoffed then almost laugh.

Did she really think I would be happy with the man she chose for me to marry?

"Marrying Kirk will not make me happy. Quite the opposite really."

"I don't understand. Why don't you wait until after the surgery before you make such a big decision? You said it yourself. You have the best medical team. Everything will be all right."

She was very optimistic and it was not even noon.

"I'm going to say this now before I lose my courage."

The lines on the side of her eyes and on her forehead were deeper than ever.

"I'm in love with someone else but it doesn't matter anymore," My heart felt like it was in a vise but I kept talking.

"She's with another and she's happy now. I don't want to go through this procedure without telling you the truth. Just in case I..." The words were stuck in my throat.

My grandmother stopped me by putting her hand over mine.

"She?" Her brows were knit close together.

I nodded.

"Just like in high school?"

"Yes."

"But a different girl this time?"

I shook my head.

"How the hell did this happen?" She slammed her fist on the table.

The water shook from the half empty glass.

"Does it really matter? She doesn't love me and I couldn't even fight for her because I'm the same. I'm still a coward. I couldn't stand up for what I really wanted because I love you and I don't want to hurt you."

There was no stopping the tears this time.

It poured like rain.

I let it swept me away.

My grandmother was quiet for a long time.

I've seen her lose her composure when she and Nueng argued over her insistence that she married the prime minister's son.

Or when she found out that Song was with a girl.

She was furious that such a fate had befallen one of her granddaughters.

Now there were two or three.

I don't really know.

"Where did I go wrong?"

I glanced at her, surprised by the question.

My grandmother slumped on her chair.

I rarely see her do this.

She was always about good posture and would even go as far as to push our shoulders back so we would straighten in our seats.

Slouching was a cardinal sin.

"You didn't do anything wrong, grandmother."

"Then why did I lose Song? Why are you still in love with that girl?"

"I don't have the answer to that."

"Did she force you into this?"

"There was nothing like that. She was just who she is." I couldn't help but smile when I thought of Mon.

"Does she know you're sick?"

"Yes."

"You said she was with someone else?"

"Yes," My lips trembled when I said it.

I gripped the edge of the table napkin as if it would give me the strength I needed to see this conversation through to the end.

"I do not agree to any of this, Sam."

"I'm not asking you to. I told you everything because I am tired of keeping secrets. I love you with all my heart, grandmother. I would marry someone else if that would make you happy. It doesn't matter if I would be miserable for the rest of my life as long as you're satisfied," I paused to catch my breath.

"But just in case the surgery didn't go as planned, I don't want to leave this earth carrying all this baggage with me in the afterlife. I would like to think that if I die on the operating table, at least I did one thing right. Or two."

I thought of Mon and the conversation we had at the basketball court.

She knew I still love her.

Nothing has changed.

"Does Mon know about your surgery?"

My ears perked up.

She still knew her name?

"Don't be so surprised, Sam. I kept tabs on that girl."

Now I'm really shocked.

"I did everything I could to protect you and your sisters. I failed with Song. That was one of my biggest regret. I was not going to let that happen again."

"Was that why you kept Mon in your radar?"

"I wanted to make sure that she kept her words. I must say she delivered. I didn't expect her to do it but she did good."The surprises just kept coming.

My grandmother was not generous with compliments.

"She was so young then. I knew I scared her when I went to see her in school. The poor girl almost peed her pants. I warned my bodyguards not to scare her but their presence alone was enough to rattle anyone."

"Why did you kept an eye on her?"

"Oh, you know. I wanted to make sure that she won't bother you again. You were both young and have your lives ahead of you."

"How long did you spy on her?"

"Only until she finished university."

"That long?"

She didn't answer.

I was curious to find out if my grandmother knew that Mon and I were working in the same company but didn't want to ask in case I start something I would regret later.

"That Mon has spunk. Someone told me about what happened at the restaurant."

"What happened?"

I didn't know about this.

"She came up to Kirk during their business dinner and confronted him. I couldn't believe that the shy girl I met that afternoon would do that," My grandmother smiled.

Now I'm really puzzled.

There were only a few things that could make her smile.

Being amused by Mon's behavior was not on that list.

"People change. All the time."

"But not Kirk. He was still the high school boy who came to tell me about what he saw at the library."

"Isn't that why you like him? Because he was always loyal to you?"

"He loves you, Sam. Kirk would do everything to get what he wants."

"Even if he ends up hurting other people."

"Sadly, yes. He was protecting his own interest."

"Why are you even defending him?"

"Don't you see what's going on in here?" She evaded the question.

"We all want to protect you."

"I don't feel that way," I released a shaky breath.

The conversation may have turned the other way but it doesn't mean I was out of the woods yet.

I kept talking to empty my mind of the thoughts I carried for a long time.

"I felt trapped from all the expectations and my responsibilities. It took this sickness to make me reevaluate my life. I was losing a lot of things. First was Diversity and now Mon. I don't want to lose you too."

Her expression softened when she heard that.

"Now you're breaking free."

"Are you mad at me?""Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because I broke my promise."

"Sam," She covered my hand in hers.

"I am more afraid of what I see in you everyday since we started planning for this wedding."

"What did you see?"

"How you're smiling more and more. It scares me."

"Were you just waiting for me to say something?"

"Yes."

"If I didn't, will you just make me go through the wedding?"

"For me it meant that you made a choice."

"Even if it was the wrong one?"

"Yes."

"Why would you let me do that?"

"Because only you have control over your life."

It was my turn to slump on the chair.

"I'm having a headache just thinking that you would let me marry Kirk," I massaged my temple.

There was a faint tingling at the top of my head.

"And the thought that you have Mon followed to make sure that she kept her word."

"The girl didn't disappoint."

"She would never," The smile just appeared on my lips.

"Are you sure about this decision of yours?"

"A hundred percent."

"Even if Mon is now happy with someone else?"

"Yes, grandmother."

"You're not going to fight for her?"

"Letting go is me fighting."

Her smile got bigger.

That rarely happens.

When she did, it meant one thing.

I did something good.

"Are you all set for your surgery?"

"Yes. If by that you mean my last will, I updated it."

"Good."

"Will you be there on that day?"

"Of course."

"Do you need Kirk to come with you?"

"No. When one of his business partners told me about the incident at the restaurant, I talked to him."

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing bad."

"Grandmother," I raised an eyebrow at her.

"I just said that at the rate his going, I won't be surprised if you break the engagement. I was right."

"I still have to talk to him. He's the only loose end."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. The last time we spoke, I did say he will get the wedding he wanted."

"You never break your promise."

"I did once," My grandmother frowned but I didn't elaborate.

"I would do it again but unlike before, I will never regret this."