Chapter 32

Lilly's POV

    I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to not sneak into Sutter's room every night when he's right down the hall from me. When I lived here before, his parents used to let us sleep in the same bed because we had Annie, and there was no point in trying to stop us from having sex when we already had a child together, even if we were still extremely young. But even before we had Annie, Sutter spent most nights in my bed beside me, after scaling up the side of my house into my bedroom.

    So to say the temptation of having him so close, but not close enough, was starting to get to me was an understatement. I spent most of my nights with him in one of our rooms or the bonus rooms with Jo, and we would do homework and other things together after we all got out of practice. And then we'd end up in one of rooms, and we'd fool around, always getting each other off, but never the way I really wanted to. He seemed content to just keep it strictly at second and third base when I was swinging for a home run every time we were alone.

    We were falling into an easy and comfortable routine together, just like we had before. But it was different this time, we were older, and we'd gone through so many obstacles it was kinda hard to go back to the way we used to be, but we were also still the same. I'm not sure how to explain it, other than he still made me the happiest I'd ever been, but it was a different kind of happy than before.

    Other than the fact that we still hadn't had sex, and I was convinced he was making me wait just because he knew how badly I wanted him. He walked around the house barely dressed, and always smelling like he just came from shooting some damn cologne commercial.

    He made my mouth practically watering with need for him, and he knew it. He would always smirk at me or send me a playful smile if he noticed me staring at him.

    So what did I do?

    I started walking around my room naked, or in some bra and underwear sets that I knew would drive him crazy. Sutter always loved the color black on me for some reason, and he walked in on me in a skimpy lacey set last night.

    I was in the middle of telling Nadine all the details about it in 3rd period.

    "So he walks in the room, and of course I have my back facing him while I'm digging in my closet to find something to wear when he walks in."

    Her smile is just a devious as mine. "What did he do?"

    "I turned around all nonchalantly, and he had his mouth hanging open like a dog. I could tell he wanted to so bad Nadine, but then he just turned around and walked out of the room!"

    "Why?"

    "I have no idea, but it pissed me off. I know he wants us to take things slow, but this is ridiculous."

    "So is that why you asked me to pick you up this morning early?" She questions, knowing it was unusual for me to ask her to drive me to school when I usually ride with Sutter and Jo everyday.

    "Yep. I left before he even got up this morning too, but I let Jo know where I was so they wouldn't worry or anything."

    "Has he not tried to see you today?"

    "I'm sure, but I've been avoiding him. It's starting to make me feel like he doesn't want me with all of this holding off shit. Like he has some other reason for not wanting to be with me."

    Nadine's expression makes it clear that she doesn't agree with me. "I think you're just overthinking it, Lil. The boy has been attracted to you since he was practically in diapers, that hasn't changed."

    "Well if he wants to play hard to get, so can I."

    Just then, the bell rings, dismissing us for our next class of the day. Nadine and I gather all of our things and walk out of the library together. As were ambling our way through the halls, I notice Sutter's brown hair sticking out over all the rest, and he scanning the crowds looking for me. I try to blend in with all my peers so he doesn't notice me, ducking my head and speeding my walk up a little.

    Nadine looks at me, with a knowing look in her eyes. I do my best to hide my pink cheeks, and hoping there is nothing in her face that gives away my real reason for avoiding him.

    Not that I lied to her, I just left out a huge part of the truth. Which is that, I'm embarrassed by his lack of interest in me. He used to not be able to keep his hands off of me, now it's almost like he's hesitant to even touch me. And me, I'm still over here wanting him like I always have. I'm scared that there's some reason behind his hesitation that he's not telling me. I know I may be irrational, but I can't help it. But I'm not sure I'm emotionally prepared for him to tell me anything negative about that aspect of our relationship, so I'd rather just avoid it all together.

    I walk into my last class of the day, and do my best to melt into the back of the class in my seat. I'm not ready to come to terms with some of the people in this room, and I'm already dealing with enough as it is.

    I make it to the swimming pool locker room without Sutter noticing me in the hallways after the bell finally dismissed us for the day. I'm lucky that his and Nadine's class is on the other end of the school from mine. I can't help but wonder if he asked her about me in class, and if she told him anything.

     I change into my suit quickly, wanting to get in the water and get started as soon as I can.

     The whole hour of practice, I push my body as hard as I can, without stopping or letting up. Every stroke, every turn, and every launch off the blocks is with every ounce of strength I have. And it's starting to show, because my times are getting better.

    Even if it's only by milliseconds, it's still progress. Every practice I get closer and closer to being in first place.

     When coach finally blows the whistle and calls practice, I decide to stay a little extra and swim some more laps. Nadine had some club meeting after her cheer practice so I know she'll be here late to give me a ride home.

     After my body can't possibly go any more, I hoist myself out of the pool and remove my cap and goggles. I have some extra shampoo and body wash that I leave in my locker, and I decide to take a shower before I leave. Knowing I have another half an hour before Nadine will be done.

     I turn the dial on as hot as it will go, and nearly moan from the relief on the back of my muscles that are exhausted. I lean my head against the tiled wall and just soak for a while.

     I'm in the middle of rinsing the shampoo out of my hair when I hear footsteps in the locker room.

     "Nadine?" I call out, wondering if she got done with her meeting early.

     Suddenly, footsteps appear at the bottom of my curtain, and I notice right away that they're boys shoes and legs. I start to back up and look around to grab something when the curtain flings open.

    The scream catches in my throat when I see that it's just Sutter standing there, but my heart is still racing.

    "What the hell are you doing?" I question him, and start worrying that someone is going to see him in here with me.

    Everyone left already, but there is always the small chance someone will come back or a janitor will come in here to clean, and being caught in the locker room shower with him is not what I want to happen on my first week back on the team. That's a quick way to get me kicked off.

    He doesn't answer me though, and instead starts to remove his shoes, and then his clothes. I turn my head away when he's fully naked, and for some reason it finally dawns on me that I'm naked as well. He steps into the shower stall and I step back to give him room to get under the water spray.

    He still isn't talking to me, so I decide to try again. "Are you going to tell me what you're doing or are you just gonna stand in here like I'm invisible while we're both naked?"

    And still, he doesn't answer me.

    "Hello?" I say loudly, trying not to let my temper get the best of me.

    He just continues washing his hair and body like I'm not even there, so finally I decide enough is enough. "Whatever." I mumble under my breath and start to walk out of the stall.

    Before I even touch the curtain though, he's reaching around and grabbing my arm to pull me back.

    "Being ignored sucks, doesn't it?" He asks and I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's pissed at me.

    "I wasn't ignoring you." I lie, and he knows it.

    "Oh really? So ignoring all my calls and texts, and leaving to every class and practice without seeing me, intentionally, isn't ignoring me?"

    "No, it's avoiding you." I say snootily, knowing i'm in the wrong but not ready to admit it yet.

    "Why are you avoiding me?" He asks, and I look away from him, not wanting him to see the embarrassment in my eyes.

    I shrug my shoulders, knowing that won't be enough to satisfy him. He lets go of my arm and puts his hands on my cheeks instead, forcing me to look at him. I don't know what he sees there, but whatever it is makes his gaze soften.

    "Please, Lil. What is going on with you?" He whispers, and it's the desperation and love in his voice that breaks me down. It always has, I could never deny him anything.

    I look back over at him, knowing my cheeks are already flushed red at just the thought of telling him what is really on my mind. "I'm embarrassed, Sutter."

    He eyebrows crinkle. "Of what?"

    "Of the fact that all I can do is think about being with you again and you seem to not have the slightest interest in it at all. Even when you see me naked. Last night you saw me and practically bolted out of the room."

    "And you think thats because I don't want to have sex with you?"

    I throw my hands up in frustration. "What else would it be? You have no issue fingering me or us doing oral, but you seem petrified to have actual sex with me, and I don't know why. I'm starting to think you just don't want to, and it sucks because its all I want to do with you."

    He looks like he's fighting off a smile. "All you care about is having sex with me? You don't wanna have conversations and reestablish our relationship together?"

    "You know that's not how I mean it, I just mean that when we are alone and we start messing around, it practically kills me to not have sex with you again, and you seem all fine and Virgin Mary over there. I feel like I'm the only one who has any needs, and it's embarrassing. Wanting someone who doesn't want you back sucks." I turn my eyes away from him, and grit my teeth to keep myself from crying, refusing to make this any worse.

    Sutter chuckles, and I look back at him to see his eyes closed and him shaking his head. "For you to be so smart, you can be such a dumbass sometimes."

    I try to pry his hands off my face so I can walk away, not wanting to hear anymore. But he pushes me up against the bathroom wall, leaving me no room for escape. "I'm calling you a dumbass because I can't believe you honestly think that." He squats down so were eye level with each other. "There is nothing I want more in this world than to be with you in all the ways we were together before, but I'm waiting so that you see that thats not all I'm after. And I'm waiting until the timing is perfect for us. I don't want you to ever look at me like those other guys who used you, and feel like i'm one of them. You having sex with me is going to be something special, not some random fuck with some guy you used to make yourself feel better after everything I fucked up for us. I'm also a little out of practice, and I want it to be good for you like I know it will be for me. I don't want to disappoint you." It's his turn to look away now out of embarrassment and I instantly start to feel bad.

    He's told me all of this numerous times, but I never really stopped to listen to him. I never let the words sink in the way they just did.

    "Hey," I say softly, and grab the back of his neck and caress it with my fingers. "You could never disappoint me, Sutter. Being with you has always felt like magic to me, electrifying. And I will never look at you how I look at other guys, I've been blind to that kind of thing since I was five years old and saw you for the first time. Even when you left me, I knew our relationship had been real, and I know you have never used me and never will. I just miss being with you." I lean my head against his chest, my arm still around his neck.

    "I miss it too." He whispers, and I can hear the lust in his voice. "I walked out of your room last night because I was seconds away from pouncing on you, and had to leave so I could go jack off in my room. It had nothing to do with not wanting to see you, and everything to do with the fucking erections you give me every time I see you without some form of clothing on. Hell, even with clothes on you make me hard."

    I smile against his chest. "Really?"

    "Yes, you sensitive girl." He teases, and kisses the top of my head.

    I turn my head up, so he can kiss me on the mouth. Just like every time, there's instantly passion between us, and the kiss turns hungry. He picks me up and pushes me up against the shower wall, and his erection rubs against my center, making me moan into his mouth.

    "Would it be terrible if our first time was against the wall in your locker room? Would you be upset with that?" He asks, and I fill excitement zing through me and the thought of us finally doing it again.

    "The only thing that could upset me at this point, is the idea of us stopping." And I'd be lying if I said the thrill of possibly getting caught didn't make this ten times hotter too.

    Instead of replying, he takes over my mouth and starts kissing me again, and teasing me by circling his hips. When I feel him move on of his hands to grab himself and move it over my entrance, I can't help but feel the exhilaration and nervousness at the situation.

    He rubs his tip along me, coating the top with some moisture to make it easier to slide into me.

    "We can't be too loud." He tells me, so I lean forward and start to bite his shoulder to keep from screaming out.

    He starts to inch his way inside me, and the feeling of being stretched by him is indescribable. I peek up to look at his face, and I see that his eyes are closed and he looks like he's concentrating on something.

    When he pulls out, and then pushes back in further, I can't help but let out a whimper at the feeling. He starts doing it again and again, setting a good pace for us. The angle of me against the wall makes it feel like he's going deep too, and I can already feel myself starting to tighten.

    "Baby, this may not last long. But I swear to god, it wont be long before we're like this again."

    I just nod my head, unable to form words, and instead attach my mouth to his. He pulls back to bite my lip, and starts thrusting into me even harder, and faster.

    I know I won't last much longer, and I close my eyes, already seeing white behind my eyelids at the intense feeling that my body know is about to erupt within me.

    My orgasm tears through me, and I cry out, not being able to help it. Sutter must have been right there with me, because he pulls out not even two seconds later, and releases himself onto my legs that are wrapped around his waist.

    "Fuck.." He says, chest heaving heavily.

    My head falls back against the wall, with my body feeling even more exercised than it did after my first work out.

    Sutter pulls my face down to his though, obviously not liking the distance between us. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I fucking love you, Lilly." He says against my lips, and kisses me with force.

    When we pull apart, I look into his eyes and see so much depth, and pure love in there, that I can't help but feel my heart skip a beat. No one has ever looked at me the way he has, like I'm the reason for all thats good in the world.

    And its that revelation that finally makes me break down, and say the three little words that have only ever such a meaning for him, and our daughter.

    "I love you, Sutter." I tell him, and smile at the way his eyes widen and fill with an emotion that can only be categorized as euphoric.

    He laughs, sounding exuberant, and starts kissing me all over my face and lips again. "This is one lucky ass shower." He says, and I giggle uncontrollably, not being able to recall the last time my heart felt this full.