Chapter 23

Sutter's POV

    "Favorite color?"

    "It's still green, Sutter." Lilly says dramatically, but I can hear the smile in her voice.

     We're laying in the tree house, with our feet going in the opposite direction, but our heads are right next to each other. We've been here for over two hours, and the whole time we've been asking each other questions.

     Lilly thinks I just keep making up these games, and I guess in a way they are, but truth is I really just want to learn everything about her that I missed. And we're not the same people we were when we were fifteen, and I want to know everything there is about the new girl she is now.

     She acts like she hates it, but I know she loves it secretly. She's not fooling me.

     "Favorite memory of us when we were eight." She says, and I have to think for a minute.

    Being together so long, the years kinda seem to mesh together, especially when you realize how fast they've gone by.

     "Hmmm, probably watching you punch Sadie Wells on the playground for telling Jo she was fat." I can't help but chuckle at the memory.

    Jo's little second grade self came running up to us and was crying, when we asked her what was wrong and she told us what happened, Lilly didn't even waste a second before running off to find Sadie. Of course I was mad too, but it wasn't like a could hit or say something mean to a girl.

     Jo and I heard a scream probably two minutes later, and we walked out to find Lilly on top of Sadie and punching her in the face with her little fists.

     "Don't ever call her a mean name again!" She screeched, and then was being yanked off Sadie by a teacher. Jo and I both ran over to the teacher who was dragging Lilly away, and we each grabbed one of her feet trying to get her down.

    "Stop taking her away!" I yelled, and Jo said something too. We were both pulling on her feet as hard as we could, how we didn't pull her ankles out of socket is beyond me.

    That day all 3 of us got sent to the office and our parents had to come get us. My mom ended up getting Lilly too, neither of her parents were able to get off of work. My mom took us to ice cream after that, and told Lilly how proud she was of her for sticking up for Jo.

    I hear Lilly laughing beside me too, remembering that day as well. "Oh my gosh, I always forget the funniest stuff, but then you remind me and it I remember it just as clearly as I did the day it happened."

    "I think that's when Jo started idolizing you like you were some kind of hero."

    "She's always been like a sister to me, and that brat had it coming calling her fat. I mean what seven year old even thinks to say that as an insult?"

    We're both quiet for a minute after that, remembering the issue that later transpired for Jo after that. In the seventh grade she stopped eating as much, and always told us she had ate a big lunch at school. She dropped to 100 pounds, and at her height of 5'3 at that age, she looked like skin and bones. My mom ended up finding out she was making herself throw up whatever she ate, almost everyday. She would purge and fill herself so full, and then later make herself bring it all back up. The doctor said Jo had sores on the roof of mouth from her fingernails scratching it, when she was putting her fingers down her throat.

    Apparently Sadie and a couple of her friends didn't stop picking on Jo like we had thought, and she never told us any different.

    Jo was sent a way for a while after that, to some camp that helped young girls who had eating disorders or anxiety problems. She was only allowed someone to visit her two times over the whole summer, and the only person she ever asked for, was Lilly. Every time I would drive her up there in the mountains where Jo's camp was with my parents, and we would wait in the car the whole two hours until their visitation time was over.

    "You never would talk to me about those visits you had with her." I say aloud to her in the present, and I know she'll know what I'm referring to. Jo's eating disorder was something that laid heavy on all of us for a while.

    "She never wanted me to, and when she talked to me, she trusted me. When I told her I wouldn't tell anyone what we talked about, she made sure to include you in that."

    "I'm her brother, why wouldn't she want me to know about that?" I try not to let it hurt that my sister didn't trust me with something, because our whole lives, she was the closest person to me, besides Lilly.

    "You're a guy, Sut. And while you've always been more understanding and sensitive than most males your age, this is just something she didn't think you would get, and it wasn't an insecurity she didn't want you to know about. She was embarrassed." Lilly's voice is soft as silk the whole time she's talking, the way she sounds when she gets really passionate about something. "She told me when she looked at herself in a mirror, she saw herself the way people see themselves when they look in those distorting mirrors at the fair and parks. Even though she was only one hundred pounds, when she looked at herself she didn't see that. Even after those girls stopped picking at her, the words were already etched in her head, and she said she couldn't get them out."

    I feel a familiar sting inside my chest that there was something I couldn't protect my baby sister from. "You don't think she feels that anymore now, do you?"

    Lilly laughs, surprising me. "Hell no, at the party when she and I were talking, I asked her how she was doing and she immediately knew what I was really asking. And you know what she said?"

    "What?"

    "She said, 'Lil, it took me a while, but I finally saw just how fucking hot I really am.'"

    I shake my head at that, but can't help the small smile on my face. "God, I am in for it this year, aren't I?"

    "Oh yeah, cause as much as you don't want to think about it, you have a smoking hot little sis. She's going to be hounded by boys, and I hope she indulges them all."

    I cover my ears with my hands. "Please, for the love of God, do not talk like that around me. I know you and her talk like that in private, but please not in front of me."

    She giggles, and pries my hands away from my ears. "Okay, no more. But just know, I think she is okay now. She's stronger than those weak bitches that tried to take her down, and I can't wait to see their faces when they see how good she looks."

    "I'm surprised they haven't already seen her at a party or something, but now that you say that I haven't noticed any of them there."

    "That's because, secretly, no one wants them there. They may be popular in school, but no one wants to see them outside of there, because all they do is start drama."

    That was another thing I always loved about Lilly, she never cared about the petty drama other girls loved to stir up. The few girls she was friends with before, if she heard them start gossiping or saying things about other people, she would always grab my hand and we'd walk off and do something else. Nadine was the same way, which was why those two always meshed so well together.

    "Are you nervous to see Nadine in school?" I bravely ask, still unsure of that whole situation. All I heard was the little info Jesse had told me, and that wasn't much.

    "Why would I be nervous? I've seen her every school year since we were in Kindergarten." She's evading my question, but I decide to not let it drop this time.

    "You know why I'm asking. When are you going to tell me what really happened between you two?" I'm curious as hell, but I also know that if maybe she talks about it to me, we can come up with some kind of plan to fix things between them. Because even if she doesnt say it out loud, I know she wants to.

    She releases a big breath. "There's not much to tell. She tried to help me and I wouldn't let her. I was a bitch to her, and when she found out I was doing coke and ecstasy, she tried even harder to get me to stop. She showed up to my house one night, crying her eyes out, begging me to stop and to get some help," Lilly's voice starts to crack and I can tell she's getting emotional talking about this again. "But I just pushed her away, I told her to fuck off and to let me be miserable in peace. She tried with me for over a year. Always coming to get me when she heard I was messed up, always picking up after whatever mess I made. Finally she had enough, threatened to leave me, and I told her that was fine, she was no different than everyone else who had walked out of my life."

    "And then what?" I ask, trying to make her finish.

    "She told me she loved me, but that she couldn't watch me destroy myself anymore. She left my house that night, and we haven't talked since. I had a class with her our junior year in high school, and we barely looked at each other. Of course Ashley noticed that things were off between us, and she started buddying up to Nadine. That's who she hangs out with now." I can hear the hurt and jealousy in her voice, but I can also tell she only blames herself.

    "Why haven't I seen her around anywhere?" I ask, wondering why she too hasn't been to any of the parties or local restaurants we've been to since these last two weeks my family has moved back.

    "You know the last six weeks of summer she always goes and spends it with her dad's side of the family in Wisconsin." She reminds me, in a more solemn voice.

    "Well, do you want to hear what I have to say about it?"

    "Sure."

    "Nadine is the type of friend who will be there waiting for you when you're finally ready to apologize. Tell her you're sorry, tell her you didn't mean any of the shit that you said, and hell, tell her all of it was my fault." Again, I find myself getting angry at all my stupid decisions all over again.

    "Why blame you?" She asks, like she doesnt think the same thing about it that I do.

    "Because if I had just stayed here where I should have been, none of that would have happened. You wouldn't have got beat by your horrendous father, you wouldn't have started drinking and doing drugs, you wouldn't have pushed away all the people who love you, and you damn sure wouldn't have been fucking raped at a party." The last one is hard to get out, just like every time when I think about the night Lilly told me about. "If I would have just stayed here with you, everything still would have been better for you. You wouldn't have had to go through all the bullshit you did." My breathing starts to accelerate and the want to cause bodily harm to myself and all the other people who have hurt Lilly is staggering.

    She must hear my breathing pick up, and the shakes of anger that are taking over my body, because she lifts her hand up again and places her palm against my cheek furthest from her, and pushes it until our faces are touching. I turn my head into her more, and press my lips to her skin, hoping she can calm me down.

    "And then where would you be?" She asks.

    "What do you mean?" I ask back, my lips moving against her skin with every word.

    "If you had never left, where would you be right now?"

    "Where ever you are." I answer easily, knowing thats where I've always been.

    "How do you know?"

    "Because thats the only place I've ever wanted to be." I tell her.

    "That was before everything that happened between us. You can say that's where you think you would be, but we don't know that for sure."

    "What's your point?" I ask through gritted teeth, mad that she's assuming I wouldn't have been here for her, even though thats exactly what I did. I just did it in a different town.

    "My point, is that when you left, you got help for yourself. You were in the same black abyss as me. But you didn't stay and wallow there, you didn't get comfortable with it like I did. If you had stayed here Sutter, you could have went down the same path as me, or maybe something even darker. You had to go away to clear your head, and you can't be mad at yourself for making things easier on you and your family. And I'm realizing I can't be mad at you either. Because if someone would have told me I could have left back then and came back a better person, I would have left too." Her words are filled with so much honesty, but I'm surprised to hear them coming from her. Not because she's not honest, but because I never expected her to be the one to point that out to me.

    She should be the one to have any excuse to be mad at me for leaving things the way I did.

    "But would you have left if someone told you that you leaving would have made me worse?" Because that's the downfall here. I healed, she worsened. And we were in this together, we should have healed together.

    "I would have if they told me when I eventually came back, I would start helping you heal too." She whispers, and my breath catches at her meaningful words.

    She's telling me in her own way, that me coming back is helping her heal. And if there is any balm that can go over this wound I have of what I did to her, thats the only thing that will help.

    "If you would have stayed, we could have drug each other through the mud even more. We could have fought constantly and then hated each other, and never spoke again. Anything could have happened, but there's no reason to dwell on it, because it didn't happen. And regardless of how your leaving made me feel, I'm the only one responsible for my actions. I could have tried to be stronger and handle things better, but I didn't, and thats on me. Don't put that on you too."

    "Lil, I don't think there's anyone in this world who is stronger than you are." She blows me out of the water with the strength she pulls out of herself everyday.

    "You make me strong." She says after a minute of silence, and I know she whispered it because it makes her vulnerable to say it out loud.

    I roll my body over, and grab her hip so I can turn her body so that ours are laying the same direction. I wrap my arms around her, and she lays her head on my chest.

    I breathe in the smell of coconuts in her hair. "You've always been strong Lil, even without me. You've just had too many people telling you you aren't, so sometimes you forget. But I won't let that happen anymore."

    She encircles my neck with her arms too, and pushes her cold nose against the skin of my neck. I can hear and feel her breathing in my smell too.

    God, were fucking weird.

    "I want to fix things with her." She mumbles against my throat, and I know she means Nadine.

    "Then we'll fix them, together. Only two more days until school starts, so you'll see her everyday after that."

    "I'm nervous about what people are going to say and think about me living with you again, and I'm sure they'll wonder why." She admits.

    "No one is going to find out about your dad, not unless you tell it. You know Jo and I won't say anything, and my parents wont either. It's not anyone's business."

    "That doesnt mean people don't try to make it their business by being nosey. You know how people in this town can be."

    "I'll handle anyone who has something to say about it." I tell her, and I mean it. Protecting Lilly has always been second nature to me, and though I usually only let her see my sweet side, I can be fucking dirty if I need to.

    "Let's go to our other spot!" Lilly says excitedly, trying to brighten the mood.

    "At least this time I wont be finding you there floating on the water and drunk." I joke with her, and start to climb down the ladder that she just descended. One of our new spots is the pond, and we've made it a point to go and visit Annie's grave together everyday.

    Neither of us has been able to talk yet, but it's still a step in the right direction.

    I hear her loud laughter in the night, and when I get down to the bottom, I watch as she spins herself around in a circle and watches all the stars up above her in the dark sky. I know what's coming next, when she suddenly plops down on the ground, and watches the sky as it still spins around her while she's dizzy.

    "You still do that, huh?" I ask with a smile on my face. When I was obsessed with being an astronaut when I was little, Lilly made this game up, and when your mind finally stopped spinning, you focused on the first star you could, and you make up a name and whole story for it. We would sit out here and do it for hours, often times letting time get away from us and coming home way past our bedtimes.

    When she leaps up off the ground without picking a star and making up its story, I question her. "Not gonna pick a star town to go to tonight?"

    She looks over at me, and I lose my breath at the carefree look that she's carrying around. "I kinda like where I am right now." Then she takes off on a little jog in the direction of my house, but still looking back at me. "And by the way, you still have a bottle of vodka left over, maybe we can both get drunk and float around this time."

    "I don't think so!" I yell back at her, and start sprinting in her direction.

    She laughs and tries to outrun me, but I catch her easy and swing her up in the air and spin her around. Her loud laughter and girly screams speak to my heart too, and I know how right she is.

    I'm okay with where I'm at right now too.