Chapter 22

Lilly's POV

    Sutter and I come upstairs and I'm waiting for him in the bonus room, whatever he has planned for us he has stashed in his bedroom.

    I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thankful for the minute alone though. I have a million different emotions flying through me right now, but most are positive, for a change.

    I'm obviously upset that my parents were so easily persuaded to give me up. Not like I didn't know that already, but them giving me up like that was what really hit the nail on the head. But something Mr. Hal said to me really sat with me, and thats that in the end, they are the only ones missing out on anything.

    I'm seventeen, I have plenty of time to make something out of my life, and turn into a positive. They're both already in their mid forties, the better part of their lives are basically over, and they wasted it on being assholes to me.

    I know I messed up by getting pregnant young, but I took responsibility for my actions. And I did what morally felt right to me. Does that not deserve some type of recognition? But the thing I've also come to realize, is that it wouldn't have mattered even if I never had got pregnant. There always would have been something to yell at me for, to slap me around because of. I was fifteen and making straight As, had state records for swimming, and never did anything to get myself into serious trouble. Even when I was perfect, they still hated me.

    Because Paul and Sarah Matthews were never meant to have kids. They're too selfish and self-absorbed. And unfortunately, I was the one who had to suffer the consequence of them reproducing. But I'm taking advantage of it, and I'm making my life into something that they never could have imagined for a horrible person like me.

    Sutter enters back into the room, interrupting my internal decision. I can't help but appreciate the way he's been treating me lately. He left me, but I can't deny that before all that, he was the only person I felt I could really rely on. And by some miracle, he's come back and still is that person. I'm still upset, and till hurt, but I'm also able to accept again what he used to mean to me.

    What he still means to me, underneath all the rubble of bullshit and heartache.

    "Alright, are you ready for this?" He asks, mysteriously, while holding a bag that is sagging from the weight being held inside it.

    "Lay it on me."

    He reaches into the bag and pulls out two shot glasses, and 2 bottles of flavored vodka.

    The hell?

    "Umm, were getting drunk I assume..?" I'm not against the idea, but extremely surprised that this was the big plan he had for us.

    "Yes, but I have a different reasoning for it."

    "And that would be?"

    "When you drink now, you normally drink as an escape or for some reason to mask a pain or feeling you have, right?"

    I shrug my shoulders, still not seeing where he's going with this. "I guess so."

    "Well tonight, we're not drinking as an escape or to make numb anything. Tonight we're drinking for fun, tonight we're drinking as a girl and a boy, who have reconnected after being separated. We're drinking to celebrate the fact that you're away from those people, and going to be in a environment where you're loved, and looked after properly. We're drinking because this our last summer before we're adults, and because we both deserve it."

    How is it that he's able to turn us drinking into something sweet? "Okay, I can drink to that." I say, and move to grab one of the glasses and bottles.

    He puts his hand up to stop me. "Hold the phone, there are rules."

    I crinkle my eyebrows in confusion. "There's rules to drinking for fun?"

    "There is tonight." He informs me.

    "Okay, so what are they?"

    "Well, I guess you could say it's more of a drinking game that I made up. The way we play is; I ask you a question about something, if you answer it and I was thinking of the same answer, only you drink. But if you answer, and its not what I was thinking, we both drink."

    I laugh out loud. "Sutter, that means one of us will literally drink every time there's a question asked."

    "I know, but it'll be fun." His boyish excitement is contagious, and I can't help but smile at him.

    "Okay, whatever, I'll play. What kind of questions are we asking?"

    "You can ask anything, but you have to answer. There's no skirting around it this time."

    I'm shaking my head before he even finishes. "You're gonna make me regret this, aren't you?"

    He smirks at me. "I'm a curious guy when it comes to you."

    I roll my eyes. "Whatever, fine, I'll answer all of them. Can we start already?"

    He hands me one of the shot glasses, and opens the vodka and pours us each a decent size shot first.

    "Ladies first." He says.

    I think about my question for a minute before deciding on one. I didn't realize how many things I actually wanted to ask him until now. "What's your favorite memory of us?"

    If he's shocked by my question, he doesn't show it. "Us holding Annie for the first time together, I'm not sure there's anything that could ever top that feeling."

    I smile sadly at him, because that's my favorite memory too. "Looks like you're drinking alone on this one."

    He downs the shot quickly. "That's you're favorite too?"

    I just nod my head, not willing to reveal what the memory of him looking down at Annie and bawling his eyes out does to me. He loved her just as much and as quickly as I did. "Your turn."

    "Okay, hmmm..what's the funniest thing you ever think happened to us when we were together?"

    I don't even have to think about it. "When we got caught skinny dipping in the community pool together."

    He belly laughs and I can't help but laugh with him. "Man, Mrs. Frazier sure did get an eyeful on her dog walk that night, didn't she? We both have to drink."

    We take the shot together, and I try not to let it show how much I truly love the taste of alcohol. Any kind too. "So that wasn't what you were thinking?"

    He shakes his head. "No, I was going to say it was that one time we went fishing and I kicked that random fish hook and I stuck you right in the leg with it, and then had to carry you back all the way to my house from the pond so my mom could get it out. Then your mom made you go and get a tetanus shot."

    I gasp loudly. "Oh my god, how did I forget about that?" And then I start laughing too, thinking about how worried he was and how his mom had a fit over my leg. Because of course it was a treble hook, and all three ends got stuck in my leg.

    "Alright, my turn." I say excitedly, getting into the game. "What's the most trouble you think we ever got into?"

    He thinks for a moment before answering. "Probably that one time we were watching the meteor shower in the treehouse, and we fell asleep out there without telling our parents where we were."

    When he takes his shot, I take mine too. "That wasn't what you were thinking?" He asks.

    "No, my parents didn't even notice I hadn't come home that night. When I walked in that morning, they thought I had just woke up early and we had played before breakfast. I was thinking of the one time we went to Jesse's house and we dyed his pool water green, and when his dad went swimming the next day he looked like the Incredible Hulk, and we weren't allowed to swim over there for the rest of the summer."

    I chuckle, but he doesn't. His face looks troubled. "Your parents didn't notice you didn't come home at night when we were eleven years old?"

    "No, they never were really mindful of where I was or what I was doing."

    "My question is, when was the first time he really started hitting you?"

    "How can you guess that answer? That question doesnt really go good with the game." I try to deflect, but he's not having it.

    "You agreed to answer the questions, so answer it."

    I sigh, not wanting to talk about this, but I know I agreed to it. "First time was when I was eleven, we were walking to eat dinner at the same time and I stepped on his shoe. He turned around and threw me against the wall. I've told you all of this before Sutter." I take my shot quickly, wanting to ease the burn in my chest at the memory.

    He doesn't take his though. "I figured it was either eleven or twelve. You started wanting to stay out and play more and more. You also stopped smiling and laughing as much."

    I ignore what he says, and just keep going with the game, not wanting to turn our fun night into a sob fest. "How many girls did you kiss while you were away?"

    "Three." He answers honestly, and watches me for a reaction.

    I can't deny the jealously that surges through me at the thought of him kissing other girls, but it's not as bad as I guessed it would be, so I take my shot and he follows right after.

    "What number were you thinking?" He asks.

    "Probably around like five or six."

    He doesn't say anything else. "Is Denny the only guy you've had sex with, other than me?"

    "No." I answer, and toss my shot back quickly.

    "Well how many?" He asks, in voice that I can't place. He doesnt sound mad exactly, but more towards panicked.

    "It's not your turn anymore, it's mine." I tell him, and notice he doesn't drink with me. So obviously he was assuming Denny was the only one. "Did you think about me when you were kissing those other girls?"

    "Yes, you were the only thing I could think about, and how they weren't you." We take our shots simultaneously, because I knew he would think of me. I told him so when he was telling me he was leaving that day.

    "How many others?" He asks again.

    I roll my eyes, but answer nonetheless, even though I know he's only torturing himself more by asking. "Besides Denny, only two more." I take my shot and he takes one too. "How many were you thinking?" I ask, and start to get pissed thinking he was guessing I was with a lot of guys.

    "I was hoping it was only one more." He admits, and my anger deflates.

    "You left me, you can't get mad at me for something you caused." I know it's not what he wants to hear, but I wont make myself feel guilty for the things I did when he was gone.

    "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself." He looks down at his hands, and takes a swig from the bottle anyway. Both of us have just been taking a drink from the bottle, the shot glasses forgotten.

    "My turn. Did any of those girls kiss better than me?" It's a petty question, but I want to know.

    He takes a swig before he even answers. "Fuck no. Did any of those other guys make you feel as good as I used to?" His voice goes husky, and I have to look away so he doesnt see the heat flare in my eyes.

    I take two swigs of the bottle, one for my question and one for his. "No, I'm not sure anyone is ever going to make me feel the way you used to." I don't think we're playing this right anymore.

    He doesnt drink with me, obviously knowing that there wasn't someone who could get me off the way he used to. Cocky asshole that he is.

    "Did you ever pleasure yourself to thoughts of me while you were gone?" I bravely ask, the vodka making me think things that I wouldn't if I was sober.

    Okay, so maybe I would think them, but I definitely wouldn't say anything about it out loud.

    He takes a big gulp this time. "More than you can imagine."

    I feel a tingle in my lady area, and know if we don't get off this subject soon, I'm going to be fucked. I drink from the bottle and wait for his next question. I don't think I was supposed to drink that time but forget it, once I start it's hard for me to stop.

    "What happened at that party you went to? It was something bad."

    His question stuns me for a minute, because I have no idea how he would know about that. But then I remember the football guys, and I'm sure word travelled to them and one of them blabbed to him. I haven't talked about this to anyone since it happened, and I don't really care to right now, but I know that maybe I should. "I just had had too much to drink, and then I took a pill that people were passing around. I don't know if it was just me or if it was meant to do this, but I was laying in bed next to a guy I'd been flirting with all night, and all the sudden my body just stops working. I'm paralyzed. I tried moving my mouth, and then my arms and legs, but nothing was working. So when he starts taking my clothes off, in my head I'm screaming no, because I don't want have sex with him. But I had no choice, so the whole time I'm just laying there while he's going in and out of me, and inside I'm yelling so loud it gave me a headache. After that, I never took anymore pills or anything. Just stuck to alcohol and weed every now and then."

    I don't look at him, because I'm afraid to see the expression that is on his face. But I can hear his breathing pick up, and can practically feel the anger rolling off of him in steady waves.

    "He fucking raped you?" He practically growls the words.

    "No, he didn't rape me. He didn't know that I was unable to move or talk, and I'd been flirting with him all night, and we had been kissing. I'm sure he just assumed that would be what was going to happen later. It was my fault for egging him on."

    "Fuck that Lilly, if you honestly think he wouldn't know that there was something wrong when you weren't moving or talking, you're in denial. I'm sure he could have seen the scared look on your face or something, that asshole knew, and he did it anyway."

    "No, Sut-"

    But he's already jumping up off the floor, and starts walking to the door. "What's his fucking name? I know where most of those cove kids live, I can fucking find him."

    I move so fast, the alcohol making me a little wobbly, but I make it over to him before he gets to the door. I put my hands on his chest and try to stop him. "Sutter, no, stop. It's okay."

    He wraps his hands around my wrist like he's going to move me away. "It's not fucking okay, who the hell does that? Seriously, tell me his fucking name and I swear to god I'll kill him."

    I've really never seen him this mad, and its scaring me. I move my hands off his chest, and put them on either side of his face, making him have no choice but to look at me. "Sutter, you're being irrational. I am okay, this was a long time ago. There is nothing to do about it now, please stop."

    He doesnt look any less mad, but he's stopped fighting me, and moves us back until he has me pressed against the wall. "I don't know what to..I can't even.."

    His breathing is still erratic, and I pull his face so close to mine that our noses brush against each other. "Hey, look at me. Look at me." He finally looks at me, and the protectiveness in eyes make my knees weak. "Breathe, okay? I'm alright, I'm here with you and i'm safe. This was a long time ago, and going to kill someone isn't going to change what happened. And I don't even see it the way you do, I never felt like I was raped. I don't think he would have done it if I could have told him no."

    He lets out a deep breath, and closes his eyes, leaning his forehead against mine. "The thought of you laying there, and telling someone no, and them still going..it makes me fucking crazy Lil. I don't think I've ever been this angry in my life, not even with the Denny shit, or your dad hitting you. I can't even describe it. It's like I can't see straight."

    "Focus on me." I tell him, and pull his face back so we can look at each other again. "I'm right here, and I'm with you."

    His eyes are searching mine for something, and I don't know what. He moves so his hips are pressed against mine, and I have to control myself so I don't let out a sound of pleasure. I haven't had him this close to me in over three years, and my body still yearns for his.

    "Never again, will anyone hurt you. I swear on everything, I'll never let another unwanted hand lay on you."

    "I know," I tell him, and I do. I know he means exactly what he says.

    "We never should have played this game, I fucked everything up. This was supposed to be fun for us." He looks down in disappointment, and some ancient feeling rises up in me, reminding me that I have always hated to see him upset.

    "You didn't fuck it up, I had fun thinking about the shit we did when we were kids. And I definitely got my ego stroked when you said you thought of me with those other girls, and that you pleasured yourself to thoughts of me while you were away." I mean to say the words to lighten the mood, but my voice drops at the end. And using the words "stroked" and "pleasured" in the same sentence when we're pressed up against each other like this, probably wasn't the best idea.

    "I thought about you everyday that I was gone. The way you tasted, how you felt, and the little noises you would make when I hit you in just the right spots." Sutter's voice is low, and his eyes are on my mouth. I know he's thinking exactly what I'm thinking too, because I can feel him growing hard against my leg.

    If I moved over a little, I would be pressed right up against him in a really good spot. I'm just about to say fuck it and throw precaution to the wind, when he shuts his eyes tight, and moves himself back. I can taste his breath on my tongue, and the need to kiss him his so overwhelming it's making me dizzy.

    "Fuck Lilly, I want you so bad, but not like this."

    I'm a little hurt, and not understanding what he means. "Not like what? What's wrong with how we are?"

    He shakes his head. "I don't want the first time we have sex again to be when we're drunk, and after coming off of some crazy emotions. I want it to be when you trust me again, and when I can call you mine again. I want to do this the right way."

    And what started off to hurt my feelings, makes me feel even better than before. Sutter has always been a gentlemen to me, and after being treated like trash these past two years, to hear someone talk about me in that way again, does more for me than what he knows.

    "You're right, I'm sorry. It's just hard to not want it when were like this.." And by this, I mean this rip roaring attraction that we've both felt ever since we hit puberty.

    "I know, God trust me, I know. But I want to take this slow, and do it the right way all over again. I'm not just here because I want to have sex with you, I'm here because I want you to know how much I love you still. How much I've always loved you."

     I close my eyes at the amount of emotion I feel rushing inside of me. God, only this guy has ever been able to bring out this side of me. "Thank you." I whisper to him.

     "Every day," He says, walking closer to me again. "Every day, I'm going to make up for what I did. And everyday I'm going to remind that it'll never happen again. Every day, I will be here and I won't ever let you down again."

     "Do you honestly, truly, mean that? Because if not this needs to stop right here."

   He looks at me intensely. "I mean that with everything I have. I'm not going anywhere ever again. Not unless you tell me to, and even then I would never go far."

     I move away from the wall and grab the bottled of vodka left on the floor. I hand him his back. "Let's take a shot together."

    "Why?"

     "Because I knew you were going to say that." I tell him, and bring the bottle to my lips.

     "But that's not how the game works, those aren't the rules."

     "Rules, Schmules." I say, because I have every intention of breaking a lot of rules I set for myself.

A/N Wow, is it hot in here or what?

I just love them together, and especially the parts where they discover things about each other again.

Vote and comment!! Thank you (: