Chapter 19

Sutter's POV

My dad and I pull up to the house around two in the afternoon, both of us in high spirits. But for very different reasons.

He's happy because coach said if I play right during practice and keep my grades up, I can be starting quarter back again. Which is great news, and it makes me happy too.

But the real reason that has me walking whistling like a man in show tunes, is because Lilly and I slept together last night. It was literally just sleeping, but we held each other all night. She showed me a side of herself that she keeps hidden from the rest of the world.

A side that isn't exactly beautiful, but something she trusted me with anyway. Which hopefully meant that I was gaining her trust back, and that I could finally get my girl back.

We've only been back for about two weeks, but I swear it feels like longer. And I'd gladly fight for her for the rest of my life, if that's what I had to do to prove my love to her.

But somewhere deep inside her, she knows that I have loved her this whole time. I left because I was lost and scared I would never be found again, scared of letting Lilly down, scared of losing someone else I loved with my whole heart.

I lost her anyway because of my own stupidity, and it's something that I'll never forget. It's also something that I'll never repeat. I would never leave her again if she would just give me another chance to show her that the love we've always had, is still there and maybe even soaring higher and faster than it was before. If she'll let it.

I jump out of the car as soon as its parked, and practically run up the front porch steps and into my house, anxious to see Lilly. I keep walking, following the voices that I hear talking in the kitchen.

"Where's Lilly?" I ask, when I notice its only my mom and Jo sitting at the table talking.

"She left about two hours ago, said she was going to go see some friends and take her mind off of things." My mom informs me.

"She doesn't have any friends?" It sounds mean, but it's true, she told me so herself. And I'm instantly anxious in another way, because I have no idea where she is or who she's with.

"Sutter Mayfield, do not say those things about that sweet girl. Of course she has friends, she always has."

"No mom," My sister interferes. "He's not lying about it, he's telling the truth. Nadine and all the other girls she used to be friends with on the swim team, they're not really friends anymore."

My mom looks confused. "Why not?" Her voice is filled with concern.

Jo and I don't answer, but instead look at each other. Obviously not sure what we should tell her. I don't want to tell my mom too much, and then her feel like she can't trust me or open up with me anymore.

"She's just had some..troubles since we left. Things changed a little for her, but we're hoping to get her back to normal, and her life." Jo says, giving her the best version of the truth that we can without Lilly letting us know it's okay to tell someone else.

"Well, we will do whatever we can to help her. Your father and I were going to speak with her tonight about her living with us, and maybe getting legal guardianship over her."

"You guys really think you could make that happen?" I question, my heart swelling at the idea of Lilly being taken care of, and under the same roof as me.

My mom shrugs her shoulders. "I'm not sure, but your dad said Paul hasn't left yet, so maybe he can go down there and speak with him about making that happen."

"Okay, well make sure I'm here when you decide to talk to her about that." Not because I think it'll be bad, but because I'm sure it'll cause her to feel some kind of strong emotion. And whether it be good for my parents, or bad for her own who are abandoning her basically, I want to be here to help her.

My mom nods her head. "How did the meeting with the coach go? Everything set for when you start back to school next week?"

****

We talk for a little while about school starting back, and Jo is excited to play volleyball again with her old teammates.  Dinner passes by uneventfully, and quiet. I spend the whole time time wondering where she is, and when's she's coming back. I try my best to not think about who she is with, because I'm pretty sure it's Denny. I know she's more than likely not with Jesse or any of them, because I saw a couple of them at the park playing some basketball when dad and I left the meeting with Coach.

The thought alone makes me sick and feel like I can't finish my dinner.

Finally around eight o'clock, I've had enough and decide I'm going to look for her. As long as I see her and see that she's okay, I'll leave her alone. Even if it's the last thing I want to do. I'm not going to push her, and I'm going to start waiting until she comes to me, like she did last night.

The drive to Denny's house is one that I've made a thousand times before, with our moms dropping us off from practice together, or when I got my license and drove to his house for the first time, thinking I was cool as shit. I remember pulling into his driveway with my new mustang my parents got me, and he came out of his house hooting and hollering. We spent the net few hours just riding around and blasting music on the radio.

When I think about the way things used to be between us, I can't believe that he would really betray me the way he has. I realize Lilly was single, but Denny knew how much I loved her, how much I would always love her. He was the one who was there egging me on to ask her out for the first time, and he was the one I told about us losing our virginities to each other. He knew basically the ins and outs of our relationship.

The thought of him perusing her as soon as I'm out the picture, makes my blood boil and I have to talk myself down.

    When I pull up to Denny's house, I see Lilly's car parked in the street. I'm filled with relief that I've found her, but also dread that she would run here after us sleeping together last night. I park my car behind hers, and then make the short walk up to his front door. I give three solid knocks and then step back.

    The door opens and Denny's mom appears in the entry way. She gasps when she sees me, clearly not expecting me to be the one at her door.

    "Sutter Mayfield, is that really you?" She asks, and then steps forward to wrap me in a hug. Despite everything going on too, I return her hug gently.

    "You didn't know I was back?" I ask, finding it hard to believe this whole town didn't know about my families return.

"I heard it, but didn't know if that was just town talk or what. It's different actually seeing you here though, it's been so long. How are your folks and your sweet sister?"

"They're doing good, dads back to working a desk job and mom is still teaching. Not much has changed." I run my hand over my hair awkwardly, and wonder if she can tell how uncomfortable I feel.

"I'm glad to hear it, are you here to see.." And then her voice trails off, and her eyes must notice the the car that is parked in front of my car. "Sutter, I'm.."

Again, she doesn't finish her sentence. I look down at my shoes, not able to take the concerned look in here eyes.

She clears her throat loudly. "I never supported what he did to you, with Lilly. I told him that was not something a gentlemen would do. But he never did like to listen to my advice on things."

"Does he love her?" I ask, wanting to know if his intentions with Lilly were ever good.

"They love each other as friends, and that's it. They've both gone down hill, and they did nothing but help propel one another faster to the bottom." Wetness shines in her eyes. "I'm not sure if you can help Denny, I think he's past that point. But if you can help Lilly, please do. I love her just as much as I've always loved all of you, but she's not the girl she used to be anymore. She doesn't have that light around her any more."

"That's my fault. I'm trying to do what I can to bring it back, but its hard when there's so many shadows in front of me." Obviously I'm talking about her son. It's hard for me to bring her back when he's constantly holding her where she is.

"I'm sorry about that, Denny hasn't been himself ever since Roy got sick."

"Sick how?" I ask, and feel a twinge of sadness in me at the thought of Denny's dad being sick. He's a stern man, but he also taught us everything we know about football, and he never let a day go by without telling Denny how proud he was of him. I remember being jealous of that after my dad got caught up in work, and couldn't really be bothered to do that kind of stuff with us anymore.

This time she can't keep the tears in her eyes, and a couple spill down her cheek. "He has cancer. Stage three. It started off in just his kidneys, but then it spread everywhere. They told us he had six months left, and that was four months ago." Her voice is full of grief, and I can't help but stumble back a little at the news.

No matter how upset I am with Denny, I would never wish for any harm to come to him or his family. I know the feeling of losing a loved one better than most.

    "I had no idea, I'm so sorry."

    Obviously not wanting to talk about it anymore, she just nods her head. "I'll grab Denny for you." She says, and then disappears into the house.

     A couple minutes later, Denny's face appears in front of me, and as soon as he's in close proximity to me, I can smell alcohol wafting off of him.

     "What do you want?" He asks.

     "I just want to know that Lilly's okay."

     He shrugs his shoulders. "I wouldn't know, she left."

    What? "She left? Left where? Her car is still in your driveway."

     "She walked to wherever she was going. We had been drinking and then got in a fight, so she couldn't drive." His voice has no emotion in it at all.

      "And you didn't try to stop her?" I ask, trying to keep a reign on my temper and remind myself that he's going through a lot too.

     "I'll tell you like I told her, I'm not chasing after anyone that don't wanna be here. She didn't want to be here, so I let her leave."

    I shake my head at him, because I just don't get him. "I understand you got some shit going on with you family, and I feel for you with that. But that doesn't give you right the be an asshole to the people around you who care about you."

    He smirks at me. "Yeah? So what's your excuse for being an asshole and leaving a couple years ago?"

      I throw my hands up in the air. "I have no excuse. Why the fuck do you think I'm here now trying to make things better with all the things and people that I fucked up?"

      Denny rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything else.

     "Did she say where she was going?" I ask finally, giving up on standing here trying to talk any sense into him.

     "Nah. Threw a bottle at my wall and then walked out." Again his voice is void, and I want to shake him.

     "How long ago?"

     "Couple hours. You done asking questions now?"

      "Yeah, asshole, I am." I turn around and walk down the steps.

     Something makes me stop though, and turn around to face him again. "I'm sorry about your dad."

     He's still standing in the door, but tucks his hands into his pockets and looks away from me. "I don't need your fucking pity."

      "It's not pity. I'm honestly sorry and I wish there was something I could do to help." I say in a sincere voice, because I really do mean it and wish I could change things.

     He looks at me and I can see how broken he is too in his eyes. But then it changes and fills with rage. "Tell Lil if she wants to come back over for a drunk fuck, I'll be here." And then he turns around and walks away.

     Maybe before I came here, his words would have stirred up some emotion of anger in me. But right now I can't help but still feel sorry for him, because I know that's his way of trying to release whatever pent up shit he has going on inside him. That being said, I'm not letting him take Lilly down with him. Not if it's the last thing I do.

••••

     Again, I take a wild guess and drive to the cemetery, thinking that's the only place she would go in the state that she's in and with it starting to get late.

      When I walk up and see Annie's headstone, and pile of clothes laying next to it, I know I guessed right.

   I pull out my phone and send Jo a text, telling her to let mom know I found her but not to wait up for us. I don't want them to see her like this, and I know she won't either.

     I walk over to the head stone, and kiss my fingers before placing them on her name. "If you could please help me bring your mother back to the person she was before, it would really help me out angel." I whisper to her, and feel the tears well in my eyes at the reminder of her loss.

     I stand up and take the walk down to the pond, and see her floating face up on the water again. I can tell that her eyes are open though, and she's moving her slowly through the water.

     I take of my shoes, shirt, and pants, and lay them in a pile on the ground. I see an empty green Jager bottle on the ground, and know I'm about to be in for it.

     With a heavy sigh, I start my walk into the water. When I make it out to her, I can still touch. If she knows I'm there she hasn't reacted to hearing me.

     "Is this going to be a frequent thing for us?" I ask her quietly, not trying to startle her.

    "Only if you keep coming here too." She replies, and I'm surprised that she doesn't sound that drunk.

     "Why do you come here and swim?"

     "I've always loved to swim, you know that. And after being over there and crying over her name for so long, I like the distraction it gives me. The comfort."

     "Do you want to tell me what happened with Denny?" I bravely ask, scared she's going to think I'm being nosey.

     Her face darkens at the mention of his name. "He's an asshole and I never want to see him again."

     Well, okay then. "You don't have to, but can you at least tell me what happened?"

     "We got into a fight over you, and he said some shit about you and Annie, acting like he knows our situation or something. But he doesn't. He said it to hurt me, like he knew it would." She turns to look at me and the water is almost covering up her eye that's closest to the water.

     "He found out you were staying at my house I take it?"

     "Yep." She says, popping the "P" sound, and turning her head back to look at the sky again. "He wanted me to tell him why I couldn't stay at home and then it all went down hill from there."

     "Speaking of that, how is your back feeling?"

    She laughs unamused. "It's good, I can't really feel it right now with all this alcohol flowing through me. So that helps."

     "How much did you drink?"

     "Denny and I split a bottle of Jack Daniels and then I drank a bottle of Jager to myself. But I think it's starting to ware off now, because the sky isn't spinning anymore."

     I decide to take advantage of her honesty. "Why did you leave this morning to go over to his house?"

     She moves in the water to stand up and face me. "Because I'm confused and needed space. Being around you makes me forget all the bad shit you did to me, but I can't forget it or it's going to get me hurt again."

     I move a step in her direction. "I promise I will never hurt you again, Lil. I just want to be here for you and help you, show you that I can love you and never leave you again."

     "You said that before." Her voice quivers, but her eyes are still clear. She looks so beautiful in the moonlight with her wet hair it makes it hard to concentrate.

    "I know, and I meant it even then. I just got lost baby, and I had to find my way back. And now I'm here, and I'll never leave you again or let anyone else hurt you." I take a chance and place my hands on her hips. She intakes her breath, but doesn't push me away.

    "You can hurt me worse than anyone else." She tells me, looking up at me with her bright blue eyes. "My dad can hit me, Denny can yell at me, Nadine can leave me, and that all hurts, but it lessens over time. But when you left, I've only ever felt pain like that before with Annie. It was like you both had died and I was left here all alone. I can't go through that again, I won't make it a second time."

    Her words floor me, and I'm once again working to control my anger, but this time it's self directed. I'd do anything to take back the day I left her. "I know I hurt you, and like I've said a thousand times, I'm so sorry. But I can swear to you, on anything, even Annie, I will never leave you again, never love someone else that's not you, and I'll definitely never truly be fulfilled or happy without you. I need you. Please, please forgive me, or at least give me the chance to show you. To prove to you, everyday, that I'm here to stay. And that we're meant to be together. You belong to me, Lilly."

    I don't know if she heard something different in my voice this time, but when she breaks down this time, I can tell something in her has shifted.

    "Okay." She mutters into my chest.

    "Okay what?" I ask, afraid to get my hopes up.

    "Okay, we can try. And I'll work on forgiving you."

    I grab her cheeks in my hands and it takes everything inside of me not to kiss her, and I feel like it'll kill me not to. But I'm not going to push her anymore tonight. "Thank you baby, I promise, you won't regret it. I'll earn your trust and your love back."

    "You never lost my love," She tells me. "I'm just not ready to say it or show it. But I do feel it, I do. But I'm just not there yet. And I don't know how long it's going to take me."

    "I don't care how long it takes you. It can take weeks, months, even years. I'm still going to be here, and I'm still going to love you." I feel like I could fly right now.

    "Can you just hug me right now?" She asks, and I scoop her up before another breath is out of either of us.

    She wraps her legs around my hips, and our arms go around each other.

    "Guess what," She says after a minute of us hugging.

     "What?" I ask.

    "I can finally say her name and it not feel like I'm going to vomit or pass out."

    "Whose name?" I ask, confused.

    "Annie's." She tells me, and leans back to look at me.

    Both our eyes fill with tears at the mention of our girl. "It's a beautiful name that should definitely be spoken. And you know what that means?"

    "What?" She asks.

    "It means you're healing." I tell her, and even feel a little piece of my own heart mending itself back together.

    She gives a little laugh, and throws her arms around me again.

A/N tell me what you think!!

vote and comment please, I love any kind of feedback!!

thanks yall (: