Chapter 18

Lilly's POV

I wake up with a start, sweat pouring down my face and drenching my back. I lay there and wait to move until my breathing slows down, and my heart rate decelerates back to normal.

I haven't thought about the night Sutter and I conceived Annie in a long time. Those sort of memories became too painful to think about after he left, so I did my best to block them out.

The reminder of what sex with Sutter felt like, has me all worked up. And not in a good way. Because when I have happy memories like that of us, I go back to the day he left me and still can't understand how he could leave. How he could just walk away from me, our relationship.

Even when my dad was beating on me and I was suffering at home, I never let that negative side of my life affect the good side I had with Sutter. I mean sure we had our little tiffs here and there, but for the most part, we were a really in love couple. And even if we did fight, we still didn't like to be away from one another. And we didn't ignore each other.

So the shock and devastation of him leaving me, still felt raw inside of my chest. It was something I never expected from him, especially since he was usually the better one at talking about his feelings and emotions. My father made it difficult for me to show the way I really felt sometimes, because I was so scared I would be wrong for it.

I was tired of always being wrong.

I was tired of people always leaving me, and never returning the love I have for them.

     I wanted to forget about all of that shit, for once. I didn't want to keep suffering with this feeling of inadequacy every time I was around people.

And the only person who didn't make me feel that way, was Denny.

I jump out of bed to get ready, wondering where Sutter went. Sleeping with him last night was a bad idea, I never should have let that happen. But I let all of my emotions take me over, and I knew if I didn't have some kind of physical touch of love, I was going to crack even more.

You don't realize how good a hug can feel until you remember how long it's been since you've had a real one. All the hugs I've got from Sutter and his family have stirred up something inside me. Almost like my body remembers the love they used to show me too. When Sutter's mom hugged me last night and cried actual tears for me, it showed me what a mother's love is really supposed to look like.

My mom has never shown love for anyone but herself and my father. I wouldn't even say she's shown love for him, but just the lifestyle he can provide for her with all his money.

I go down the stairs of Sutter house and almost make it out the door before seeing someone. His mom and sister are sitting on the couch in the sitting area next to the kitchen.

Mrs. Mayfield's face brightens when she sees me. "Lilly, sweetie, how did you sleep?"

"Better then I have in a long time." No point in lying. I slept like the dead for the first time in a long time, despite the dream I had.

"I'm so happy to hear that. Sutter and Hal went to another football meeting with the coach, he should be back soon though." She informs me.

"Oh, okay. Well I was actually going to head out for a little while if that's okay.." It feels like I'm almost asking permission to leave, and I don't know if I should because I'm not sure if I'm living here or not now. I'm used to doing my own thing and then maybe getting slapped around for it later.

I'm not used to the actual caring parents who want to know the whereabouts of their children.

"Oh that's fine, Sutter mentioned you had a job, are you going into work?"

"No ma'am, that's normally just something I do over the summer to take up some of my days. But I quit that early the other week when I was..indisposed." A nice way to put what happened to me. "I'm actually just going to hang out with a friend for a little while, hope to help clear my mind on everything."

"Absolutely, no problem. We will be here when you get back, do whatever you need to to help yourself." She stands up from the couch and comes over to leave a kiss on cheek. "When you get back, Hal and I would like to talk to you about something, okay?"

"Okay, is everything alright?"

She smiles reassuringly at me. "Yes, everything is great. Really, don't worry about it."

I nod at her. "See you when I get back." Then I walk over and plant a kiss on Jo's cheek, sorry that I was leaving before we got to talk more, but needing some space of my own. She gives me a small smile in return to let me know that it's okay.

When I walk outside I remember that I don't have my car, Sutter drove me over here in his when he had all my bags and everything that day. I look in the direction of my house, but don't see any movement.

I want to get out of here, but I don't want to see either of my parents. It's strange to be able to say that you really don't care if you never see your mom and Dad again, but I really hope I never do. They're toxic people, and I won't let them drag me down anymore.

I lift my head up and decide to walk over there, despite being nervous about seeing him. But I can't let him control me my whole life, and today's the day I stop letting him keep me locked inside myself with fear and self-loathing.

The walk is short, and I make it to my car without a hassle. Pulling the keys from my purse, I unlock my car door and go to get in. I look up one last time at the house I hope I never have to step inside of again, and I see a curtain moving in one of the upstairs windows.

I don't know who it was that looked at me, and I didn't stay long enough to wait and see.

••••

I knock on Denny's door, hoping he's home. I haven't returned any of his calls or texts lately, and I'm praying he's not going to be an asshole about it.

He answers the door a second later. I don't know what he sees when he looks at me, but after the shock of seeing me wares off, he starts assessing my face and clothes. "Glad to see you're still alive." He says dryly.

"I know, I'm sorry. Had some personal shit at home to deal with." I give him a vague answer, like always, hoping he still doesn't care enough to question me further.

"Sutter is personal shit at home?"

"Sutter isn't the reason why I wasn't around the last week." Why does he even care?

"Sure didn't seem that way when he was looking for you around your job and all over town."

"I didn't know he was doing that," I try to hide the emotion in my voice at the thought of Sutter trying to find me when I wasn't around. "I was at home all week until last night, I swear."

"Where'd you go last night?"

My silence is all the answer he needs.

"Exactly." He says, and moves to close the door on me.

I step forward and put my foot in the way. "Why are you acting like this? Why do you even care?"

He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Why do I care that my girlfriend is going back to the guy who she used to be in love with? Gee, I wonder why I would be upset about that, Lilly."

"Denny, we have never acted like a normal couple and you know that, I thought what we had was just casual and convenient for us." I tell him, being upfront with him.

"No, it was only casual and convenient for you. I just acted like it was the same for me because that was the only way I could ever have you, or get you to give me the time of day."

    I'm confused. "So what are you saying exactly?"

    He takes a deep breath. "I'm saying that I have actual fucking feelings for you, and I don't just use sex with you as an outlet to get some anger or depression out of me the way you do."

      "I have actual feelings for you too." And I do, just not in the romantic way. But I do love Denny in my own way, in a way I'm not sure can really be explained or understood.

    "We don't mean that in the same way and you know it."

    Instead of admitting anything, I avoid the topic as best as I can. "If we're going to have a conversation like this, do you think you could at least let me in so I'm not stuck out here on your porch?"

    He wordlessly steps back and opens the door wider for me to walk by him. He leads the way into his room, and we sit down on his bed. Him leaned back against the headboard, and me laying horizontally across the foot of the bed.

    "I don't know what you want me to say." I break the silence after a few minutes, not being able to bare it anymore.

    "Are you going to get back with him? Lets start with that."

    I've decided to be brutally honest, because he deserves to hear the truth. "He hurt me very badly, and that's something that's going to take me a while to get over. But we still love each other."

    Denny scoffs. "Of course you still love each other, you were together too long for that to ever change. But that's not what I asked, so is that your subtle way of telling me yes?"

    "That's my way of telling you I still love him but I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now."

    I see anger flash in his deep, brown eyes. "So what the hell did you come here for then?"

    "I just needed to get away from all of the drama and memories for a while. You've always been the best person to help take my mind off of things like that."

    "So drinking and sex, or getting high and sex? Or maybe we can do all three?" He asks me, like any of them are suitable options.

    But I can't deny the scratch I have that I need itched. "Let's just start with the drinking first and go from there." I know I won't succumb to the drugs, but sometimes after drinking I can't stop myself from wanting sex.

    Even if I tell myself beforehand, I always get drunk and want some kind of physical touch. And since Denny isn't really the cuddling and hugs type of guy, I take what I can get. The next day I always feel worse after, but I can't seem to make myself remember that when the opportunity presents itself.

    Denny reaches down and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels from under his bed. He unscrews the lid and takes a decent gulp, and then passes it to me. I take a bigger swallow than he did, and can already feel my body releasing some tension.

    "Why aren't you staying at home?" He asks suddenly.

    "Some shit just happened and it was time for me to take a break from my parents." I'm beating around the bush, but he isn't someone I would confide in about what was happening to me. I wish no one knew, but that was inevitable when Sutter and Jo showed up at my house and saw me.

    "Yeah, your old man is a dick sometimes. We all have that." He tells me, like I'm overreacting about my home life.

    "It was a little bit more complicated than that." I try to hide the bite from my voice, but I don't do a good job of it.

    "And I reckon I'm not good enough for you to tell me what you really mean by that."

    "It has nothing to do with you not being good enough, I just don't want more people knowing than necessary. I don't even want Sutter's family to know, but he made that impossible when he showed up to my house looking for me." I'm worried I've said to much and he's going to piece together the bruising on my body again and my weird explanation for what's happened, but he doesnt.

    So either he's the densest person on the planet, or he doesn't care to read between the lines more than he is.

    "Well, just thank God Sutter showed up, huh? He can't really get much better." He takes another gulp from the bottle and then passes it to me again.

    I'm getting pissed off at all his insinuations, even if they're right. "I'm your girlfriend and you didn't hear from me for a week and didn't bother to question where I was, what does that say about our relationship?" Another gulp, and I pass it back to him.

    "What you don't seem to understand, is that that's normal for you. I could call and text you all day and you won't reply or call back until it's a good time for you. I'm used to you disappearing for days at a time like that. Sutter's not, because you didn't pull that shit with him. You two were so far up each other's asses, I'm surprised you could even see well enough to walk." Deepest pull that he's taken so far, and then hands the bottle back to me.

    I feel the anger swell inside me at his tasteless words, but then I also feel the truth in them too. He's right that I never would have gone days without talking to or seeing Sutter. "You're right, I wouldn't have done that with him. But I was a different person back then, and he would have cared enough to look for me, you never did." I swallow the brown liquor twice, before passing it back. The bottles getting close to empty.

    "I'm not going to waste my time looking for someone who doesn't want to be found."

    When he hands the bottle back this time, I don't drink it right away. "If we're such a waste of time, then what is the point of all of this? Why even bother?"

    He reaches into his night stand and pulls out a blunt, putting it in his lips and lighting it. "That's the question of the fucking year apparently." He takes two deep drags from the blunt, and then offers it to me.

    I shake my head. "Aren't you worried about getting drug tested for football?"

    He laughs darkly. "Probably no point in worrying about it now that you're boy is back. He'll take back his position and his girl, even though he fucked up and I was here to pick up his slack."

    Something about the way he words that, rubs me wrong way. "Is that all I was to you? Loose ends to pick up in the place of someone you wanted to be?" I finish off the rest of the bottle and start looking for another one.

    "Don't act like I meant anything to you either. All I was an escape for you and someone who helped you bury the misery you have festering inside of you. We both used each other, but at least I have feelings for you."

    I find a green bottle under his bed, never before opened. I stand up and glare at him, my body swaying from left to right. Drinking while sitting down and then standing up will get you every damn time. "You've deluded yourself into thinking you have feelings for me, because when you have honest, and real, feelings for someone, you don't refer to them as 'slack' or 'loose ends'."

    "Right, when you have real feelings for someone, you just leave them alone after you've lost a child together. Is that what I have to do to get your attention too?"

    After hearing the sharp intake of my breath, his eyes flash with regret at his words. But it's too late, the words are in the open and they're ricocheting off the walls of my already damaged heart, causing more tears and bruising.

    I pick up the empty liquor bottle we shared, and throw it at the wall, loving the way the sounds of the glass shattering make him flinch.

    "Lilly, I'm sorr-"

    "Fuck you." I say interrupting him, and walk out of his room and house.

    I consider driving, but don't want to add a DUI to the mix too, so I decide to walk instead. Walking to the one place that I can get complete solitude, and face no judgement for the way my life has played out.

    I open the seal of the new bottle, and take a large drink. I think about the many pieces of glass on Denny's bedroom floor, and wonder if thats what the inside of my heart and soul look like too.

A/N: comment, vote & let me know what you think! & shout out to CottonC12  for the new cover photo! She's amazing and super fast at getting them done if you're looking for someone to make one for you! Thanks again y'all (: