Chapter 3

Sutter's POV

      I remember the first time I started to realize that I liked Lilly as more than just my best friend. I always loved her of course, we played together almost every day of our lives when we were little. And when one of us was gone for a family vacation or anything else, the whole week would feel off because it was like we were missing this huge asset that we always had with us. It was strange to feel that way about someone so strongly at such a young age, but my mom said those are always the best kind of relationships, because even when we're old and gray, we can always look back on those memories and smile. Even after everything Lilly and I have been through now, I can look back at us as young kids and smile at the innocence we shared, a bond forming that would be much stronger and go deeper than either one of us could have ever imagined.

-     I got to the birthday party a little late because my sister had decided to have a huge fit over the fact that she couldn't come too. But this was one of mine and Lilly's good friends and he was finally turning ten like the rest of us. It was the summer before 5th grade, and we had all turned ten during the school year but Jesse was just a little bit behind us with his birthday not being until the end of June. But a summer birthday party is always fun, and I knew it would be even more fun because Lilly would be here, my best friend. We were supposed to carpool together to the party but when my sister started having her meltdown, my mom called Lilly's mom and told them to go ahead without us, we were going to be running behind. I started to scan the crowd looking for Lilly, even though it was Jesse's party, I really just wanted to hang out with her. You'd think it would get old since we played together everyday, but it seemed like we always had something to talk about or some new game to make up.      I heard a lot of splashing and laughing coming from the pool and I saw Jesse dunking Lilly under the water and them laughing and wrestling with each other.      But that was my Lilly. That was my friend, why was she laughing and playing with anyone else? I felt my face fall and my excitement fizzle out with it. So much for us playing together here, she was obviously already playing with someone else and didn't have time for her lousy old neighbor anymore.     But just as I started to turn around and walk away, she turned toward me and our eyes collided. She must not have seen the sadness in mine though because she smiled the biggest smiled and started waving her hands, motioning for me to come in the pool.      "Sutter, you're finally here! Come and play in the pool!" She screamed excitedly, and I of course start to take my shirt off and go straight into the pool. Because whatever Lilly wanted from me she would always get, even if I was mad at her for playing with Jesse and not missing me the way I missed her.      And that big smile she aimed my way was because she saw me, not because of Jesse.      I walked down the steps of the pool and she met me at the bottom, smiling up at me like I was the sun. And she made me feel that way on the inside too. I looked over her shoulder and noticed Jesse had swam off and was playing with other kids. I was happy that she didn't seem to care or notice.     "What's wrong Sutter?" She asked me in the sweetest voice, obviously finally realizing that something is off with me.      "Nothing's wrong really, I just didn't realize you and Jesse were such good friends." Even though they were obviously friends she was invited to his party. I just hoped they weren't as good as friends as me and her were.      "We're not really. Nadine and me were playing together when he started a splash fight and then we all started playing. I kept looking for you but wasn't sure how late you were going to be."     Nadine was Lilly's best friend who was a girl, the best friend she told me about the first day we met each other. Me and her were friends now too, but sometimes she made me mad because she always took Lilly away from me. On the days Lilly was playing with her, I went over to my friend Denny's house and played with him. It wasn't the same as spending time with Lilly, but it was enough to distract me so I wouldn't sit at home bored the whole time.      "Yeah, Jo through a tantrum because she couldn't come too, so I had to wait until she was done with that and then my mom forgot Jesse's present so we had to turn around and go back and get it." I explain.      "Well that's okay, you're here now so we can play together. C'mon, I bet me and you can take them all in the biggest splash contest from doing cannon balls." She starts to swim away but before she gets the chance I start talking again.      "You sure you don't want Jesse to be your partner?" I ask, trying to hide the sadness out of my voice at how easily she traded me in.     "Of course I don't? Why would I want anyone else to be my partner when you're here?"      "Well it sure seemed that way when you were playing with him when I walked up."      "Yeah because I was waiting on you to get here, not because I wanted to partner up with someone else."      "So what would you have done if I had never shown up?" I ask her.     She shrugs her little shoulders. "I don't know, I guess I would have just been the judge or something."      "You wouldn't have played in the contest with someone else?"      "No way! Everyone knows me and you are always each other's partners, if you're not here, I'll just have to play next time."      And it's in that moment that I realize I'm not worried about Lilly playing with someone else, I'm worried that she'll want to start spending all her time with someone like she does with me, and I'll lose her. I don't ever want to lose her. I love her too much.      Wait, I love her?      "There's no point in me playing without you Sutter, and everyone knows I wouldn't partner up with anyone else anyway. Even Nadine knows that." She leans over and gives me the softest kiss on my cheek. The first time she's ever kissed me. "I'll always only pick you, Sutter."      If a little ten year old heart could soar, mine definitely did. The smile on my face never fell away the whole night, and Lilly and I of course won the splash contest.      After we dropped her off at home that night, I made a promise to myself that no matter what happened between us, I was going to make Lilly Matthews into Lilly Mayfield someday.

-

    I'm staring at a picture of a ten year old Lilly and me at Jesse's party together. We're standing side by side and we both have cake smeared on our faces, with so much joy and laughter filling up the whole frame. If only we could be that happy and innocent again, there's no telling where we would be today.     Actually, I could tell you where we'd be.     I'd still be playing varsity football and Lilly would be playing every sport she could during their seasons, because the girl is literally amazing at every sport. She could take her pick at any varsity team and probably get a scholarship to any school from all of those sports. It's crazy how effortlessly good at things she always was.      But then she got pregnant, so she obviously couldn't play sports anymore. And I think that was one of the hardest things for her to deal with in the beginning, realizing that life wasn't going to be what it always had been. But then after we had Annie, she didn't care a bit about any of the things she had to leave behind in order to be a good mother. All she cared about was our girl, and doing all the things that her parents never did for her.      She was the best mother even then, and she was only fifteen. I can't imagine how amazing she would be now if our Annie was still here and almost three years old.      It's hard to think about her, even years down the road. I don't think it will ever get easy, but I know it would be worse to pretend like she was never here, or never existed. It seems almost disrespectful to my little girl to not acknowledge all of the incredible things she could've been.      Should've been.     I think that was the hardest thing to overcome. Not knowing the why. Why did she die if there was nothing wrong with her?     But that's one of those things we will just never understand in life. There's so many questions that will always stay unanswered to us, until maybe one day we die too, and all the answers will finally be revealed. I can only hope that's true.       There's a knock at my door that startled me, my mind was so focused on the picture and my thoughts, I wasn't even aware of my surroundings.      When I turn my head, I see my mom leaning against my door with her arms crossed. She has a solemn look on her face because she can see what picture I'm holding in my hands. I know she misses Lilly too, and is probably just as anxious and excited to see her as I am.       These last couple of years have really worn on my moms appearance. She was and still is beautiful, but she used to have full cheeks, and vibrant alive eyes. Now her face is kind of sunken from all the weight she's lost, and even when she smiles she always seems to be harboring some kind of hidden sadness.      I overheard her talking to my dad one night and she told him she felt like she lost 3 people at once. Annie, who we all lost and who was never coming back, no matter what we wished for. Lilly, because I left her behind since I was too coward to deal with things head on like I should have. And me, because I wasn't the same anymore since I lost the two of them as well.      I saw my mom lean her head on my dad and cry so hard she couldn't catch her breath, and that's when I decided I needed to see someone to get myself better, or at least to learn to cope with all my emotions better. If not for myself, then at least for my family.      "What's up?" I ask her, and she looks away from the picture to me and gives me a small motherly smile that only she can give.      "Just wanted to check in and see how everything was coming. Looks like you've already got mostly everything unpacked."      I glance around my old bedroom that I set up the exact same way I had it 3 years ago. "Yeah, well the movers did all the furniture and the rest was just small stuff."       "Well, if you're up for it, you have a visitor waiting for you downstairs." She must have instantly noticed the look on my face because she was quick to tell me who it was. "It's not..it's not her. It's your old friend, Jesse. He said he saw the moving trucks in town and saw your dad driving, thought he would stop by and see how you'd been doing. I thought I would come and ask first if you were okay with seeing people already." What are the odds that the guys birthday party I was just thinking about, would be the first one knocking on my door? "Yeah, I'm cool with it. Let me put this stuff away and I'll be right down." My mom nods her head and walks back out of my room. I put the picture I'm holding back in the shoe box that's filled with all my other photos of Lilly and I. Some of the pictures look so warn from where I've picked them up and held them so long. Some from where I fell asleep with them next to me at night, especially the one of Lilly holding Annie has a newborn in the hospital. When I make it downstairs I can hear my mom talking at the door, but when I come into view and Jesse sees me, they both stop talking and turn to look at me. "What's up man?" Jesse asks, and leans forward to shake my hand and pull me in for the usual one armed guy hug. "Not much, just got everything put away for the most part. How've you been?" I ask. "Doing good, man. Same old thing still happens in this town, so you know how it is." He gives me his easy going friendly smile, and I notice how little he's changed since I've been gone. He looks older for sure, but still acts like the same cool guy he always has been. It makes me wonder how much Lilly has changed. "That's good dude. I'm excited to be back and meet up with some old friends and catch up. Been awhile." "Well, hey, you're welcome to come with me to the diner in town they just built not too long ago. It's the newest thing we have so that's where most of us hang out to grab something to eat now. I'm meeting a couple of guys from the team, I know they'd get a kick out of seeing you too." He offers, and my first thought is wondering if Lilly will be there too. I look to my mom to confirm it's okay if I go, and she nods her head enthusiastically, clearly excited for me to get back into the swing of my old life so quickly. "Sounds good lets go." I kiss my mom on the cheek before walking out of the door with him towards his pick up truck. "You good with driving me back or should I drive?" "Nah man, I'll bring you back no worries." We climb into the truck and start making all the turns and twists through the back roads you have to take to get into the main down town area. He finally breaks the silence, I guess too curious about me being back to wait any longer. "So what have you been up to the last couple years and what brought you back?" He asks in a friendly enough tone, but I feel like there's something underlying the surface of it. "Well my dad wanted to move to be a candidate for the Mayor election, so we left. I mean you know what happened, at the time it seemed like the best thing for me to do. But finishing my senior year without the kids I've grown up with just didn't feel right, so I told my parents I wanted to come back and they agreed." "Well it's great to have you back, and I hope you've been playing football at that other school so you can be out on the field with us on Friday nights." I smiled, remembering all the football I played growing up with these guys over the years. I couldn't deny the excitement I felt about playing with them again. "Hell yeah man, Dad and I got a meeting with coach on Monday. Who they got playing first string quarter back?" "Uh, Denny." He says, but the way he says his name is like he was hesitant or didn't want to. What's up with that? Denny and me were best friends before I left, besides Lilly. And over the years I'd been gone, he's the one who I kept in touch with the most. "Ahh, back to competing with him again it seems. Is he gonna be here tonight?" I ask, hoping to catch up with him too. "I'm sure he will be." Jesse doesn't say much after that and for some reason it feels like this ride has got awkward. Thankfully we pull up to the restaurant a couple minutes later and we exit the truck to go inside. When we walk in I notice a huge table set up in the corner next to a juke box, and at least ten of the old guys I used to play with we're sitting around, passing insults and laughs just like old times. I spot Denny talking to a guy named Daniel that played with us too, and started to walk towards them first. I couldn't wait to see the surprised look on all their faces when they realized I was back in town. And I needed to make sure they kept it quiet too, because I wanted to be the one to surprise Lilly with the news. Denny must have felt the presence of someone walking up because he turned his head in my direction and when he realized who it was, his eyes widened and his mouth opened in shock. "Holy shit." He said. I laughed and pulled a chair up next to them. "What's up brother?" I slap him on the back and expect to get the same reaction. But when I further examine his face, he's not even looking at me, but looking back in the direction of the kitchen where waitresses are bustling around. He finally looks back at me and forces a smile on his face. "Damn, when did you get here?" He asks, but there is no excitement in his voice. He even looks a little angry. "Um, just earlier today. Jesse saw my dad driving and asked if I wanted to come and hang out, catch up with everyone." I take the second to look around the table and a bunch of guys throw greetings my way, but something feels off, like they're waiting for something to happen. What the hell is going on? "Well that was nice of him." Denny says while looking at Jesse, and he looks like he's feeling anything but happy about the fact that I'm sitting next to him right now. But Jesse just looks away and shrugs his shoulders. "So how long are you visiting for? School starts back in like two weeks, so I assume it won't be for long." I shake my head. "Not visiting, we moved back. Today was our first day here and unloading everything." If his face could fall any further, someone will be picking it up off the floor. "You're moving back? Here? And going to our school?" "Yeah, that's the plan anyway. Got a meeting with coach on Monday about hopefully finding a spot on the team with y'all fellas." I look around the table to see if any of them are excited about this news, but it doesn't seem like it. Anytime I make eye contact with someone, they abruptly look away. What am I missing? "Alright, what's going on? Why is everyone acting so fucking weird right now? I know I've been gone a couple years, but damn." Before anyone can answer though, the waitress comes by the tables with their drinks, interrupting us. "Alright boys, here's your drinks. Food should be out in about ten more minutes. Y'all need anything else?" She asks, and I freeze in my seat. Because I know that voice. I could pick that voice out if it was playing with a thousand other voices at the same time. I twist around in my seat, and there she is. My Lilly. She has her long, curly blonde hair thrown up in a pony tail, and she's wearing a tight shirt with the restaurants logo on the front, and short blue jean shorts and some gray Nike tennis shoes. And I swear in this moment I have never seen something so beautiful before. The soft structures of her face are still the same, she just looks a little older now. Still has the same blue/gray eyes that can pull you in from a mile away. I'm looking so closely at her face and see where there's a small bruise forming on her cheek, and a cut on her bottom lip. What the..? But I don't get to finish that thought, because she finally feels me staring and turns her gaze towards me. Our eyes lock and the whole place freezes into nothing. The only thing that's even there anymore is us. Her eyes widen and she instantly takes a step back, and I try not to let it hurt. She must just be shocked to see me. I'm a second away from standing up and going over to her, when Denny stands up and blocks my vision of her. He takes her by the hand and pulls her away from the table, but she never stops looking at me. When he finally has her out of ear shot, he drops his hands and tries to start talking to her, but she still hasn't stopped looking at me. He looks back over at me with a murderous glare before he takes his hand and turns her face so she has to look at him. And for some reason that just really pisses me off, and I'm standing up out of my seat before I realize what I'm doing. "No no no!" Jesse yells and stands up to push me back down in my seat, and he fills up the one Denny was just occupying. "No fighting or anything, not here." Fighting? Why would there be fighting. I was just going to tell him he didn't need to put his hands on her face like that, not when there was already a bruise there. I look back over at them and see they're in a heated discussion, and neither one of them seem like they're saying anything positive to the other. Why are they fighting I wonder? Ever couple of seconds though, Lilly's eye will shoot my way and look at me, like she can't believe it's really me. "What's going on, Jesse? I can see why Lilly might be a little upset or surprised I'm here, we didn't exactly leave on good terms. But what's with everyone else? And especially him getting up and making her leave." I ask, finally having had enough with everyone being so quiet and acting so damn weird. Jesse shakes his head. "It's really not my place to tell you." "Well somebody better start telling me something, or I'm going to walk over there and get the answer from one of them." He must realize I mean it because he sighs dramatically, but I can tell he's about to cave. "I'll tell you, but only because I don't want anyone to cause a scene. So you have to promise you're going to stay calm." I nod my head, not really meaning it, but I'll say anything to get someone to tell me the truth right now. "Denny and Lilly are together, Sutter. Denny ain't happy that you're back because one, you'll probably take his first string position on the team, and two, because his girlfriend has been in love with you since any of us can remember." He says the words but it's like they're not making sense in my head. "His girlfriend? Lilly is his girl friend?" Jesse nods his head. "Yeah. They been a couple for a little over a year now. It was weird for all of us at first too, but I guess you learn to just get used to things. And none of us ever thought you were coming back.." He trails off because he must notice the look on my face. I'm not even sure what that look is, but if it's anything like what I'm feeling on the inside, I imagine it doesn't look inviting. I'm stuck between a state of shock and full throttle rage. My old best friend is with my girl. And I still call her mine because I know all of these people know that she will always be mine, just like I'll always be hers. There has never been anyone else for either of us, and the thought of her with someone else makes me sick. I stand up and Jesse tries to stop me again, but I shrug his hand off. "I'm not going to cause a scene," I tell him. "I'm just going to get some answers." Which is true, I just wanna know what the hell is going on and how this happened. But I do know if I see Denny trying to act like Lilly is his, there damn sure will he loads of trouble.