Try and Try Again

Athena

I was going to make them help me.

I stood in front of Rick and Merle, my breath coming fast, heart hammering. Daryl was still in there. Still in that bastard's hands. And they were talking about leaving him?

"No. No way in hell," I snapped, shaking my head. "We're going back."

Rick let out a heavy breath, his hands on his hips like he was trying to stay patient, but I didn't care.

"We can't," he said, steady but firm. "It's too dangerous. We need a plan, more people-"

"I don't give a shit about a plan!" My voice cracked, but I didn't care about that either. "That's my husband in there! We left him. I left him. And now you're telling me I just have to sit back and-"

"I gave him my word, Athena." Rick cut me off, his voice sharp, eyes steely. "Swore I wouldn't let you go back for him."

"That's not your damn choice, Rick!" I turned to Merle, chest heaving. "Tell him! Tell him we have to go back!"

But Merle shook his head.

"Can't. Not yet."

I stared at him, disbelief crashing over me like a tidal wave.

"What?"

"I gave 'im my word, too." Merle's voice was gruff. "Told 'im I'd keep ya safe."

My blood went ice cold.

"You've got to be kidding me," I seethed, stepping toward him. "You're really doing this!? You!? His own brother!?" I rubbed my face hard, exasperated. "You're Merle Dixon for fuck's sake!"

Merle barely moved. His jaw twitched, but his eyes stayed locked on mine.

Then he snapped.

"What the hell do ya want from me, huh!?" His lip curled. "You wanna hear me say it!? That I've bein' a shitty brother!? That I ain't never done nothin' right by 'im!? I fucked up!? I left 'im behind before!? That I hated myself every goddamn day for it!?"

I swallowed hard, but he wasn't done.

"Ya think I don't wanna go get 'im? My baby brother?" His voice cracked, rougher than I'd ever heard it. "Ya think as soon as I get ya where I promised 'im I would, that I ain't comin' straight back to burn that place to the ground? I'll tear that place apart 'til I find 'im." He stepped closer, voice a low, furious growl. "But my brother ain't never asked me for nothin' until now. And I ain't gonna let 'im down again. Ya have to wait goddamit!"

Tears burned behind my eyes, hot and angry, my breath shaking.

"I can't leave him," I whispered, my throat tight.

Merle's face twisted at my words.

"I know," he said, sounding like he could cry himself. "But we gotta. For now."

Rick sighed, rubbing his neck. "Give her the note."

Merle's face went hard again, his jaw clenching as he pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his jacket. He didn't say anything as he shoved it into my hand.

I turned my back on them. My fingers trembling as I unfolded it, my heart pounding so hard it hurt.

Ath,

I ain't good with words. I don't know how to say what I need to say. But if you're reading this, it means Merle did what I asked. It means I ain't there with ya.

I know ya gonna be mad as hell. I know you'll wanna come back for me. But ya can't. Not now. Only thing that matters is you been safe, and that means going with Merle, waiting. I know waiting ain't what ya do, but I need ya to do it this time.

I love ya more than anything in this messed up world. You're everything, Ath. Ya gotta know that.

Ya changed it all for me. Showed me I was worth something, worth loving, after I spent my whole damn life thinking I wasn't. Ya made everything different. Even with all the shit we've been through, I ain't never been happier than when I'm with ya.

I'll make it back to ya. I'm sure as hell gonna try. But if I can't, ya gotta promise me you'll keep going. You'll live. You'll fight. You'll be the same stubborn, fierce, pain-in-the-ass woman I fell in love with.

I'd burn the whole damn world down to keep ya safe Ath.

Don't come for me. Please.

Stay safe. Stay with Merle. I'll figure shit out here. Rick will. We'll find a way.

Know that I love you. Always.

Daryl

I let out a broken breath, my legs nearly giving out beneath me.

Merle caught my arm, steadying me, and for once, I didn't shove him away.

I pressed the note to my chest, my vision blurring.

I wanted to scream. To fight. To run.

I collapsed against Merle for a moment. His arms caught me, strong and steady, but I barely felt them. My whole body shook as sobs tore through me.

I forced myself to stand tall after a few moments, but the tears wouldn't stop.

"I don't care what he said. I'm getting him out of there," I told them, my voice hoarse but unwavering.

Rick looked broken, his shoulders sagging under the weight of everything we'd lost. He looked at me like I was crazy, like I was already dead.

"You saw what happened that night," he said.

I scoffed, shaking my head in disgust. "Who are you? Rick? Giving up on Daryl. That's not you."

Rick's jaw clenched, but he didn't argue. He didn't have to. We both knew the truth. He was scared. We all were. But fear wasn't enough to stop me. Nothing was.

~

I got through to Merle eventually.

I knew I would.

There was no way he wouldn't have gone straight back and torn Negan a new asshole once he'd got me to wherever Daryl wanted, but I wasn't letting it play out that way. I needed him to do it now - with me.

For all his sharp edges and reckless ways, Merle loved his brother. And no matter what he said, no matter how much he acted like Daryl could handle himself, I knew he wouldn't let him rot in there.

But Rick? Rick wasn't Rick anymore.

He was terrified - of Negan, of losing more people, of making the wrong call and getting someone else killed. And in a way, I understood. Hershel was dead. Abraham was dead. Denise was dead. Too many losses.

I could see it in his eyes, the way he moved. He felt trapped in a situation with no way out. No way to fight back.

But I didn't give a damn about what Rick was afraid of.

Daryl was suffering.

Daryl was in there.

And I wasn't leaving him. I didn't care that he'd asked me to. My husband hadn't been protected the way he should've been his whole damn life. Like hell would I let that pattern continue.

Merle and I sent Rick back to Alexandria. He argued at first, said we should all go back and think this through. Said we couldn't win this fight right now.

But Merle was more Merle now - shut him down.

"Ya either go back on your own, or I'll knock ya out and dump ya in the trunk. We ain't waitin'."

Rick looked at me then - looked at the fire in my eyes, the rage barely contained beneath my skin - and he knew.

Nothing he said would change my mind.

So with a heavy heart, he left to go back and protect the rest off the group and gather the supplies Negan would be coming for.

~

Merle and I holed up in a warehouse a few miles from Negan's complex, watching. Waiting. Planning.

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I barely ate. I barely slept. My whole body itched with the need to act, to do something, but every time we got close, we were forced to back off.

I can't believe I'm saying it, but Merle kept me grounded.

Kept reminding me that if we rushed in without a plan, we'd end up dead.

That Daryl needed us to be smart, not reckless.

But with every hour that passed, a dark thought kept creeping in.

What if we're already too late?

I shoved it down.

I had to believe Daryl was still in there. Still fighting.

We wouldn't stop. We wouldn't leave him behind. No matter what.

~

I was a mess.

Merle sat across from me, his good hand wrapped around a bottle of whiskey he got from God knows where. We had been at this for hours - going over every route, every possible way inside. And every goddamn time, we came up with nothing we hadn't already tried.

"This is damn bullshit," Merle muttered, rubbing his jaw. "Fuckin' fortress."

I clenched my fists and tried to swallow down my frustration, my anger, my longing for Daryl's arms around me.

Merle and I both knew the truth - I had gotten out when they were supposed to kill me, and now they were expecting me, knowing I'd go back for Daryl.

And we had been back.

So many times.

We'd scouted it out from a distance first, hoping to find a weak point, something Negan's men weren't covering. But there hadn't found one. The place was a damn fortress - armed guards at every entrance, walkers chained to the fences, spotlights sweeping over the perimeter.

The frustration burned inside me.

The first attempt, we barely got close before we spotted a patrol. We hid in the trees, watching from a distance, seeing first-hand how many guards they had posted. So many men. So many guns. We had no chance.

Merle knelt beside me in the brush, chewing on his lip. "Ain't gonna be easy."

I already knew that. But easy didn't matter. Getting Daryl out did.

The second time, we tried a different approach - waited for one of their trucks to leave on a supply run. Thought maybe we could follow, sneak in when they came back. But they checked every single truck before letting them back inside.

Our third try got us closer. We'd sussed out their patrols now - so we waited for the 9pm one to pass, then slipped toward the fence. Merle used wire cutters to snap the chain-link apart while I kept watch. My heart pounded so hard I swore they'd hear it.

We almost made it inside. Almost.

But the alarms blared. Floodlights swept the yard. I didn't hesitate - I grabbed my knife, ready to fight - but Merle yanked me back. "Run."

I didn't want to - not when we'd made it so far, but it wasn't going to work.

We barely got away. Had to ditch our gear and disappear into the woods before they found us.

After that, we tried an ambush. That one got messy. We watched for another vehicle heading toward the Saviors compound - waited until it slowed at a curve in the road. Merle shot the driver before he even knew we were there. I yanked open the back doors, ready to climb inside... and came face-to-face with two prisoners, bound and gagged in the corner.

They weren't Saviors. Just people Negan had taken, probably for leverage or labor.

I hesitated. That hesitation cost us.

Gunfire erupted. Another Savior must've been riding shotgun, and before we could take him out, he radioed for backup. Merle and I barely escaped as trucks came roaring down the road looking for us.

We'd been back countless times since. Trying everything we could think of.

Nothing. No weaknesses. No way to get to Daryl.

I was becoming delirious with exhaustion, and knowing he was still in there was unbearable. I knew how much he'd be suffering - what they could be doing to him.

I pushed away from the table, pacing the length of the storeroom we were in. My whole body hummed with restless energy, frustration boiling over. "There has to be a way."

Merle exhaled, tilting his head back against the chair. "We'll find it."

I spun on him. "Merle. It's been how long? A week? Two?"

His gaze flicked to mine, sharp and knowing. "Longer."

My lack of sleep and general shitty emotional state had me confused. Days bled into each other and I was losing my grip on time.

My stomach twisted. "How long was I in there?"

"Couple days. Long as it took 'im to find you."

A couple of days? That was it?

I felt like I'd lived a lifetime in that cell. But I had only been there a couple of days? For Daryl, it must feel like he'd been there years. They'd be treating him so much worse than me. I saw how badly they'd beaten him when he first arrived. Negan wanted to break him. He'd torture him thinking it would work. It wouldn't though. Daryl would never submit to him, and I knew it.

I shook my head, trying to shove the thoughts of Daryl being hurt away.

Merle watched me carefully, taking another swig of whiskey. "Yur angry at him, ain't ya?"

My throat felt tight. "Of course I'm angry at him."

For thinking he could protect me by throwing himself to the wolves. For leaving me. For making me go through this - this helplessness, this waiting, when all I wanted to do was rip that place apart and drag him out with my bare hands.

Merle huffed. "Yeah. I get ya."

Something about the way he said it made me pause.

I looked at him, really looked at him - at the deep-set frown, the tension in his shoulders. At the way his grip on the bottle was just a little too tight.

Merle was angry, too. Not just at the Saviors. Not just at Negan. At Daryl. At himself.

I swallowed hard. "We can't give up."

His jaw worked. For a second, I thought he was gonna argue - but then he sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. "Ain't givin' up, darlin'."

I clenched my fists. There had to be something we hadn't tried.

"What about we just go for it? All guns blazing. No trying to sneak in. Just... go."

Merle studied me for a long moment, then gave a slow nod. "Ya think that ain't my first thought as soon as I wake up every day?"

"Then let's do it."

"Nah," he muttered, leaning forward. "Can't."

"Why!?" I snapped, exasperated.

"'Cause I made my brother a goddamn promise!" He shot back. "Keep ya safe. No matter what... We do that. Ya get shot."

"You've gone soft." I sneered, frustrated.

This was Merle Dixon for fuck's sake. Half-cocked, erratic, unpredictable Merle Dixon. But he wasn't acting like it. Hadn't been since we'd been here.

"Nah." He muttered quietly, not looking me in the eye. "Just don't wanna let him down for once."

~

I woke to silence.

For the first time since we'd been here, I'd actually managed a couple of hours of sleep - the exhaustion finally catching up to me. But when I opened my eyes, I already knew something was wrong.

Merle was gone.

The cold knot in my stomach twisted, panic setting in. I threw off my blanket and sat up, my head still foggy, my pulse already racing. I didn't need to look around to know where he had gone. I could feel it.

He was going in to get Daryl. Full force. Without me.

I knew it with every fiber of my being.

Damn it, Merle.

I grabbed my knife and strapped it to my belt, throwing on my gear in a blur. The raw, desperate urgency pushing me faster than my body wanted to move. Every part of me screamed that I needed to do this with him, but I couldn't even hear my own thoughts as I sprinted out of the warehouse, the early morning chill hitting my skin. My legs burned, but I kept moving, my breath coming in sharp, quick gasps.

I reached the treeline, and there he was, just like I expected. Merle crouched low, watching the compound from the shadows.

"Merle!" I hissed.

He tensed at the sound of my voice, but he didn't turn. I closed the distance between us quickly, my heart thudding painfully in my chest.

I grabbed his shoulder, jerking him toward me, forcing him to meet my gaze.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I demanded, my voice coming out more desperate than I intended.

Merle sighed, rolling his eyes like I was some kind of child. "What's it look like, sweetheart? M'goin' in."

A surge of anger hit me. "And you thought I wasn't coming too!?" I scowled. "God damn."

He sighed heavily. "Ya ain't real concerned about the odds, are ya?"

"Nope. I'm done waiting."

He looked at me. "You should go."

"Shut up."

"We'll probably die." He said it with a strange calmness that made my chest tighten. "Ya don't need to come."

I laughed. It was bitter, humorless. "I don't need to come?" I could feel my hands trembling. "Daryl is everything to me."

Merle stared at me for a long moment, his face unreadable. Then, he sighed deeply, as if tired of the argument before it even began. "Fine," he muttered. "Fuck it. Ya wanna die with me? Let's go."

I didn't wait another second. I nodded, knowing this was our only option.

We crept forward, staying low and moving quickly, making our way closer to the compound. My heart was in my throat, the urgency pounding in my ears. Every part of me screamed that this was suicide, but we kept moving, each step feeling like it was getting closer to Daryl.

I caught sight of something, and a thought grew in my mind.

"We won't be able to shoot our way in through the main doors. Just too fucking many of them."

Merle eyed me, knowing I was plotting. "What ya thinkin'?

I bit my lip. "The sewers."

I'd spotted a manhole that hadn't been visible until now, and figured maybe we could cut through an old sewer tunnel beneath the outer wall, come up inside one of the buildings. When we were in, we could start fighting.

It was risky as hell, but it was the closest thing to a solid shot we had.

Merle pondered for a moment after I explained my plan. "Could work."

We had to try.

We waded through waist-deep water, barely able to see in the dark. The tunnel smelled like rot, like death, and I knew we weren't alone down there. Walkers groaned somewhere ahead, their voices echoing through the pipes.

We fought our way through, knives sinking into soft skulls, water splashing as bodies fell. By the time we made it to the other side, my hands were shaking - but we were in. We were inside.

This was the closest we'd got to Daryl.

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