Chapter 6

It's been 3 days since I bought my plane tickets with the little money I gathered. I'm suppose to be headed off in about 2 days. Still, nobody knows except Tracy. She's actually quite angry with me. Which I understand. I'd be angry too, but I can't let it stop me. It'll be what's best for Jade, Zayn and me.

At the moment, Zayn and I are walking around the shops, hand in hand. I don't get the tingly feeling I should when he kisses me or holds me hand. Instead, I feel pushed. Like I have to do it. I want to love Zayn when I want too, not because I have too. It's almost as if Zayn just wants to be in a relationship because of Jade. It bugs me, hurts me, practically. Maybe he loves me, I'll give him that, but I can't just keep thinking that everything will work out eventually.

I was drawn out of my thoughts when I felt a soft tug on my hand. "Babe, you alright?"

I nodded and took another sip of my coffee, pulling my jumper closer to my chest. The weather dropped dramatically and I just wasn't prepared. I had my suitcases of clothes stashed away in my closet. I'm paying for a hotel, with the help of Tracy, until I get on my feet with a job. Tracy hates the idea, but she said she'll always help me. It's almost Zayn's birthday. Tomorrow, to be exact, and I'm leaving the day after. I still can't wrap my head around as to why I am leaving, but I am. I have too.

We stopped at yet another shop, him pulling me into it. He insists that because he didn't buy me anything for my birthday, he needs to get me something. I've been denying everything he throws my way. I can't make him buy me something when I plan to secretly leave.

I'm so damn selfish.

"What about this, Ray?" He pointed to a beautiful pair of Chanel boots. I can almost imagine wearing those whilst in New York. They're pure brilliance and practically shined in the window.

"No," I said plainly.

"Okay, Raven. Something's wrong," he persisted, dragging me out of the shop. I practically got onto my knees as I left, thanking the lord that I was away from those beautiful boots.

"Nothing's wrong, Zayn. I just want to go home and see Jade," I lied. I mean, of course I want to see Jade. I just don't want him to be forcing all of these amazing gifts in my face, only to be turned down because of my secret plan.

"Fine," he muttered, tighting his grip on my hand as we made our way back to his car.

The entirety of the car ride was silent, so far. The only noise being the hum of the engine. We weaved our way through the crowded streets, only to be caught behind a large traffic jam. He shifted in his seat, his right arm leaning on the window and his left placed lazily on the steering wheel. I couldn't help but see the firmness of his jaw line and it immediately giving me butterflies. I still have feelings for him and always will, but I can't let those get in my way.

I reached over and rubbed the back of my hand on his cheek. He jumped a bit at the surprise touch, causing me to giggle a bit. "Jesus, Ray. You scared the shit out of me!" He spat, a laugh threatening to spill out of his lips.

"Sorry!" I said inbetween giggles. His face turned towards me again, his eyes setting on mine as we wait for the light to turn green.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, rubbing my knee with his thumb. I smiled sheepishly. "I'm so grateful you're mine."

Damn it. Here comes the guilt.

*Next night*

"Happy Birthday, Zayn!" Everybody cheered as we entered the bar. Zayn laughed loudly and raised our entwined hands up in the air.

Many different people, famous and not, came up to Zayn, screaming 'Happy Birthday' over the blasting music. We had a "family day" with Jade earlier, spending yet another afternoon hidden away in my flat. Zayn claims it's relaxing, but I know he wishes he could do more with her.

"Let's go dance," he huskily whispered into my ear. I nodded and followed him onto the dance floor. His large hands found my hips and my smaller ones wrapped around the back of his neck. He was barely even focused on me, really. His eyes kept diverting to the people around us, occasionally taking his hand off my hip and waving at someone walking by. It was getting tiring, acting like everything was ok. Every time I look at him, I want to tell him about my secret, but I can't. I don't want to see his face when and if I do.

"Raven?" I felt a small squeeze on my hip. I blinked a few times and gazed back to Zayn. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. Everything washed over me; I won't be waking up to Jade in the morning. I won't be able to have tea with Tracy every Friday afternoon. I won't be able to see Zayn. That all starts tomorrow and I don't think I'm ready emotionally.

"No you're not," he muttered to himself. He pulled me off the dance floor and out the back door to where it's quiet; kind of. "Please tell me what's wrong!" Zayn pleaded.

"Zayn, please-"

"Why can't you tell me what's eating you!? Why? Do you not trust me?" He looked upset. His facial expression tearing at my heart.

"It's complicated, Za-"

"How complicated can it fucking be?! So complicated that you'd hide something from the guy that loves you?!" He sneered. "If it's that complicated, then damn. You need to get help!"

The sarcasm in his voice made me scoff. "You know what Zayn, fuck you." I retorted.

"Look," he sighed, "Raven, I'm sorry. Please, just tell me what's going on!" He begged again, tuggingon my arm.

"Zayn, I can't te-"

"Jesus fucking christ, Raven! Why not?!" His interruptions are starting to genuinely piss me off, now.

"Because I know it will hurt you!" I yelled at him. There was nothing said for a moment, just the visible breath from each of us. "I know that you'll hate me if I tell you," I continued, my voice dropping a little.

Zayn's eyes widened as he backed into the wall, using it for support. "Did you cheat on me?" He asked. He thinks I'd cheat on him?!

"No!" I shouted, stepping towards him. He ran a hand through his hair, messing his style up only minutely.

"What have you done, then?" I leaned up to the wall next to him. I took a deep breath and finally decided to tell him what's been planned for 3 days now.

"I'm leaving, Zayn," I whispered. "I'm leaving London and going somewhere else."

I peaked at him through my eyelashes. There was no emotion on his face. I took that as a clue to continue.

"I'm taking a plane to New York City and auditioning for the Rockettes. This could be a big thing for me, Zayn. This could change my life." He shook his head. I reached up to place a hand on his shoulder, but he backed away. "This could improve the life I have now! I'm done saying I wish. I want to say, I will."

"I thought Jade and I were a big thing for you, Raven. I thought she changed your life... I thought I changed your life." He walked towards the back door of the club and tugged it open.

"Have a nice life, Raven. I'll see you when you're finally content with the life you have."

Then he was gone. The door shut behind him and I was left alone...

I can't believe I told him. Hell, I can't believe I'm doing this whole thing period. I love my life so much here. I love my daughter, I love my best friend, I love my... boyfriend -Using that term loosely- I love my part time job at the dance academy. But I still feel like I'm missing something and that's to be a professional dancer.

I tugged my blazer closer to my body as I walked down the road, barefoot. My long brown hair was tied up into a loose bun sitting upon my head. I had to keep pulling my black dress down as I walked down the streets. Eventually, I made it to the only place I thought of going; Tracy's. I knocked on the door to Tracy's house few times before Kris opened the door with a smile. That soon fell though, as he noticed the running eye make-up and torn feet. You'd think I'd have tough feet for being a dancer, but I'm not used to walking around on cement for an hour.

"Jesus, Raven," Kris muttered as he slung an arm around my shaking shoulders and led me inside their warm house. "Trace, get down here!"

Tracy came trotting down the steps, Jade in her arms. "What's going- Oh my god, Raven! What's wrong?!" She handed Jade to Kris and pushed him out of the room. I looked up and saw Jade looking at me with worried eyes. She didn't know what was happening, but she knew it wasn't good.

"I told him, Tracy. I had too..." I sobbed into my hands. Soon enough, I felt Tracy's warm embrace next to me, rubbing soothing circles onto my back.

"It was the right thing, Raven. What're you're doing isn't, but telling him was." I shook my head.

"I'm an awful mother and friend," I mumbled, wiping the tears away. "I'm leaving you guys behind all because of what I want! I'm selfish..." I sneered at myself, cringing at my own words. No mother should be selfish. I promised myself I never would take after my mother and do that to my daughter. But look at me now! Taking after my own mum and leaving everything behind.

"Listen to me, Raven." Tracy tilted my head up and forced me to look at her. "You're doing what you need to do. Not everything that needs to be done is the right thing, but some things just have to happen."

I tried my best to smile at my best friend, but soon a frown took it's place when I realized I won't be seeing her for a very long time. "Let me go get you some water." She patted my knee before pushing herself off the couch and padding into the kitchen. I heard some mumbling between Tracy and Kris. His voice raised slightly as Trace's stayed low and content. I shook my head.

My choice is effecting their relationship, too.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, staring down to my aching feet. "I'm sorry for being so awful."

I bent down, slipped on my shoes, and went to the front door before she could come back. I glanced down to the floor, frowning at the small converse laying next to Kris' trainers. I turned around, facing the direction of the kitchen. I saw the back of Jade's head in the high chair, looking like she's content on whatever she was doing in front of her, but she still turned around, maybe feeling my eyes on her. She waved her hand, a smile spreading on her small lips. The back light of the kitchen behind her made her look like she was glowing. She's beautiful. I waved back, a tear falling down my cheek.

"Goodbye, angel," I whispered to myself. I blew her a final kiss with a forced smile and pulled open the front door. I trotted down the front steps, perfusely wiping the angry tears.

Why am I still doing this?

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So, I've been writing this all evening because you guys met my last amount of votes. Since I've been writing all evening, I haven't proof-read. Oops.

hope you enjoyed thiss!! I was honestly tearing up while writing. If you have an imaginative mind like me and some people I know, you can just see this all happening and it's really sad... ugh.

so, the fight between Raven and Zayn??? ooooooooooooh.

ok, lovely readers. let's bump the vote range up because I need more time... soo

5 votes until next update! :)

love youuu! x