Chapter 10

I couldn't sleep. The couch was comfortable enough but I couldn't make my body rest. There hadn't been any update on Casey or the others and I was restless. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him getting a bullet to the back of the head. Finally, when I'd had enough of staring at the dark ceiling I got up and went to the dojo, flicking on the light and closing the door behind me. I practiced the backsteps Raph had shown me, trying to get my feet to memorize them without having to think about it. After my legs ached from the constant movement, I went to the punching bag. I thought about wrapping my hands but when I picked up the tape, my hand tingled with the ghost of Raphael's gentle touch earlier. I set it down quickly and decided to take my chances bare-knuckling it. I felt my punches landing more solidly than they had before but they weren't right, not like Raph's were. When he'd swung, they looked perfectly aimed and executed while mine still looked and felt like they were nowhere close to that. It only made me more frustrated and my swings became less calculated and more frenzied. My mom, Casey, and now Raph. They all swirled in my head like some whirlpool that threatened to suck me under. I stopped swinging and caught my breath, my knuckles stung and when I brought them up, they were almost raw. But my tempest feelings were hardly sated, so I ignored the pain in my hands and went back to swinging until I was so spent I could hardly lift my arms into position. I wished Casey would walk in and yell at me to take it easy. I wished Raph would stop making me feel things that didn't make sense, but most of all, I wished my mom was still alive because then none of this would have happened in the first place.

::;

"Hey sleeping beauty, wake up. Breakfast is ready." Donnie nudged my legs and I groaned in annoyance. I'd stayed up way too late last night and I wasn't anywhere near ready to get up. "Let her sleep." Mikey said coming to my defense. I heard Donnie walk away, but my eyes popped open as my stomach growled. The air smelled like pancakes and coffee, and suddenly I was begrudgingly awake. I leaned up and stretched my back muscles before going to the table."Were you comfortable last night?" Donnie asked as I followed him to the table."It was fine Don. Don't worry, the couch is pretty comfortable." I assured him. Leo set a cup of coffee down and I thanked him while picking up the mug."Geez, what happened to your hands?" Mikey asked eyeing my knuckles. Raph turned from getting his plate of pancakes but I pulled my hands back onto my lap."It's nothing. Just training." I'd cleaned them up before I went to bed last night, but they were raw and noticeable this morning. I got up, ignoring Donnie asking if I wanted to eat and went for the bathroom upstairs, grabbing my bag on the way up. The water that peppered my skin was hot and I let it burn slightly as I washed away all of yesterday's sweat. I looked down at my knuckles and cringed at them. Each one had a circle of torn skin, against my pale hands they looked angry. I finished washing and toweled off, throwing on sweats and a T-shirt. When I opened the door Raph was standing on the other side. Without a word he snatched my hand and brought it up, inspecting it. "Jesus Miya." He growled dropping it back down."It's fine, I couldn't find the wrap." I lied.I didn't fool him for a second."If you wanted a beating you could have just woke me up." When my mind went straight to us in his bed, the dark of night wrapped around us, I wanted to flinch. "No thanks." "You know we're not gonna be able to practice with the punching bag till those heal, right?" I let out an annoyed huff, I hadn't thought about that. "I'm not teaching you this stuff so you can hurt yourself, I'm teaching you so you don't." I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't need you to baby me. I can take care of myself." He grabbed my hand back and held it up for me to see."That is not taking care of yourself, that is letting your anger control you." I yanked my hand away. "You don't know what you're talking about." I snapped.I went to walk around him but he simply stepped to the side and blocked me with his large frame."You think I don't know what it's like to loose control of my anger?" "I don't need your psychobabble crap today." I said hating the way his gaze seemed to see right through me. He ran his hand over his face irritably."Go to the dojo." I narrowed my eyes at the stern order while he clenched his jaw, leaving me no room to argue unless I wanted to deepen the shit storm of a temper I'd woken up in Raph. Our breath mingled between us in a tempest of will. I shoved past him and stalked past Leo who eyed me worriedly. I didn't know why I was obeying the red-clad turtle like a good little lapdog and it burned my pride as he followed behind me like a persistent shadow. "A little early to be arguing, isn't it?" Leo said more to Raph than to me.The door slammed closed behind us and Raph brushed past me, taking his usual spot on the mat. "Push-ups. Now.""Why?""Because you need to learn control. Push ups, until you can't do anymore." He said pointing to the ground. I stared at him not sure if I was going to comply or not."No." I said, deciding I wouldn't.A muscle in his jaw twitched and I enjoyed the sight of it. "No?" I held my chin high as he waited for me to change my mind. When I didn't, he swiped my legs out from under me, knocking me painfully onto my back so fluidly I didn't stand a chance in hell at catching myself."Asshole." I groaned. "Get up."I snarled and shot to my feet, taking a defensive position. If he wanted to teach me a lesson, I wasn't going to make it easy for him. When he threw a jab, I stepped back narrowly avoiding it, and another step back to avoid the punch to my chest. I smirked at him and he snatched the front of my shirt, throwing me down mercilessly in a move that definitely would have been considered dirty.When I went to get up he was behind me, knocking me in the back of the knees so I went down face first. He wrestled my arms behind me painfully and straddled me, forcing me to stay down. "Is this what you want? You want to feel pain?" He asked, a dangerous edge to his voice as he leaned down to my ear.It sent a knee-buckling zing down my spine, and I hated it."Get off me." I snarled trying to throw him off."Hurting yourself hurts the people that care about you." There he went again trying to implore his wisdom. "Oh please. You can't stand me. You only decided to train me because you felt sorry for me." I barked up at him. He flipped me around and grabbed my hips, slamming them down as I tried to unbalance him."You think I can't stand you?" "It's been obvious since the day Casey brought me here." I hissed as I lengthened my fingers and stabbed them into the soft spot on the inside of his shoulder just under his clavicle. I'd never gotten to use the pressure point in action on any of the turtles because I'd never been able to get close enough during training to deploy the move. I could see why they'd taught it to me. His entire arm spasmed, and he made a sound in the back of his throat at the pain. "Ow." He growled grabbing my wrists and slamming them above my head to avoid another sneak attack from me. "Admit it, the only reason you're even bothering with me is because Casey asked you.""You have no idea how wrong you are." His legs clamped against my sides tightly as he rendered me immobilized. He had absolutely no business looking as deliciously dangerous as he did right now. No business looking down at me like that, like he just might be feeling something in the same way I was because my body was doing it again, reacting on its own. My legs squeezed together against the pressure I felt between them. I dug my fingernails into my palms trying to force myself still with the pain. I tried not to breathe, not to inhale his warm scent or make my chest brush up against his. My hips ached to arch up against him and it was all I could do to lie still. "Let go." I breathed, hoping my voice didn't sound hot and needy like the rest of me felt. He stared down at me and I felt his hands tighten slightly, like the conversation wasn't over yet. For him, I'd still earned a lick for abusing the dojo and he wasn't about to let me weasel out of it, but for me, this had gone entirely too far and I needed to get out of here before I did something stupid. "Let.The Fuck.Go."He was watching me intently, looking like he was studying me with intense, somewhat confused eyes. He released my arms and loosed the cage he'd made around me with his body but didn't draw away from me. Without a word I slid myself out from under him and rolled to my feet feeling his eyes tracking my back the entire way out.I couldn't let him train me anymore, that was too close, too inappropriate, too tempting. I was so much more broken than I'd originally thought, I really couldn't be trusted to not sully every good thing around me. I found Leo playing video games with Mikey on the couch and tried not to fiddle my fingers as I came to stand next to them."Does your offer to train me still stand?" He raised his eyebrows as if he was asking me if there was a reason, if I wanted to talk about it. When I didn't, he turned his eyes back to the game for a second and annihilated Mikey's character in Soul Caliber, earning a whine from the younger turtle. "Of course. I'll teach you some stuff even Raph doesn't know." He said giving me his attention again and smiling.