Chapter 25 - Small things

Chapter 25 - Small things

Perrie pov

"Hello, Perrie. How are you today?" Dr Blossom asks me.

It has been a week since I decided to 'come back' to Jade. When I heard her begging me to come back to her, I realised that I can still give her something. That it is not only her who makes me complete, but I am also an important part of her.

And that leaving her would only hurt her more.

With this new dose of awareness I am now working to get better, to regain the progress I had momentarily abandoned. Cheryl has made me realise that it was not a failure, but rather a setback, and that it doesn't mean that I got worse.

Now I have to stay on the right track, and although I know that change starts with me, I am happy to have so many people around me who support and sustain me, even in the most difficult moments.

In fact, what happened recently taught me that it's okay to make wrongs and that not everyone will hurt you if you make mistakes.

In all this turmoil, last time I didn't have a chance to tell her about my kiss with Jade, "I kissed Jade... the night I decided to... come back? I don't know how else to say it" I confess.

Cheryl stands open-mouthed for a minute, then blinks a couple of times and recovers. "You said you kissed her, correct?" she asks me still incredulous. I nod, "That's... unexpected," the surprise still in her voice. "Perrie, I have to ask. Did you do it because you felt forced or pressured?"

I don't have to think about it to answer, I know perfectly well why I kissed Jade "I did it because I wanted to. Jade didn't pressure me in any way, on the contrary. She said she will do it if and only when I ask her to" I smile sincerely.

Cheryl smiles back at me, "Good. So tell me, how did you feel?"

"Terrified" I laugh weakly, "I was terrified at first, but with her it was... different. It wasn't like with..."

"Alex?" she asks me cautiously.

I nod, "He was controlling and I knew something always happened afterwards" I momentarily lose myself in memories but then I think back to Jade and our moment.

"With her it was sweet, chaste... kind. I felt good, complete. I actually didn't want it to end. When she was about to go to her room I asked her to stay with me. She held me close all night and I felt.... safe. I knew she wouldn't hurt me. I trust her"

"Do you think it will happen again?" Cheryl asks with genuine interest.

"I want to" I smile, "But I feel like I don't have enough courage to do it or ask her" I admit.

Kissing Jade and having it confirmed that what she's been telling me all these months was true is also one of the reasons I feel like I'm ready to meet Zayn. I know he visited me often in the hospital when I was in a coma, but afterwards by my decision he never came and that means I haven't seen him since that day Jade and I broke up. Almost two years ago.

Wow, how time passes...

"I think I'm ready to see Zayn now" I go on coming out of my trance.

"This is a big step, Perrie. I'm so proud of you!" Cheryl answers me with enthusiasm and a smile that shows her teeth. "Have you thought about why you feel ready and why you want to see him again?"

"He was my best friend and the person I trusted the most besides Jade and Lesy, rationally I know he won't hurt me, even if the fear persists in me. But I think I have to start getting out of this bubble I have locked myself in. I think I need to move on, or I'll always be stuck with Alex" I voice my thoughts aloud, "And then... I think Zayn needs to hear that I don't blame him for what happened. I know he blames himself for leaving me with Alex that morning... I think it's time for all of us to forgive and let ourselves be forgiven"

Cheryl looks at me dumbfounded, "Wow, Perrie. This is really great progress. Maybe your setback was more enlightening than I had thought" she smiles at me.

"Well, I guess I had a lot of time to think, and not all thoughts were destructive" I tell her sincerely.

"I'm very glad to hear that. So when will you two meet?" she continues.

"I think as early as tomorrow. He knows I'm planning to see him, but I asked him if I could tell him even at the last minute evaluating how I'll feel and he made himself available to any of my needs" I smile mentally thanking him for his understanding.

"Very kind of him. Will you be alone with him?"

"No, at least initially Jade and Lesy will also be present, if I feel up to it I will ask them to leave us alone" I reply, "Should I be ashamed? I mean, for the fact that I need my best friends to make me feel safe around my best friend..." I reflect and wonder.

"You don't have to be ashamed of it, at all, Perrie. Everyone reacts to pain and their experiences differently and we should never judge. Don't judge yourself. If you feel this is the right way for you, that's fine. There isn't a right or wrong way, or a time to heal. It is important that you recognise your needs and not judge them as vulnerabilities. Asking for help is never a sign of weakness; on the contrary, it takes a lot of courage. You are strong, Perrie. Don't forget that" I see the sincerity in her eyes and thank her for her heartfelt encouraging speech. The doubts I have already seem less overwhelming.

I know that it will take me time to get well again and Cheryl explained to me that I should not strive to get back to the way I was before, but rather accept the person I am now. I have lost some parts of me, it's true, but I have discovered new ones and it will be up to me whether I use them positively or negatively.

But I have always been a positive person and this part still lives in me, sometimes I forget it exists but I know it's there and I will make the most of it.

I say goodbye to Cheryl and prepare to go home, I see Jade waiting for me and greet her with a warm smile that she returns. As we get into the car I reflect on the fact that since the day I got out of hospital the only places I've gone to have been Jade's house, only for a few hours, Jesy's house for a few weeks, from there straight to the rented house and here, to Cheryl's.

For months I have only looked at the world through Jade's or Lesy's car window when they drive me to Cheryl's. I have memorised every shop that is on the way, I have also learnt the faces of the people who pass by on these pavements always at the same time.

I no longer want my life to be reduced to watching the world from a car window

"Can you stop?" I ask Jade.

She looks at me as if I have three heads but then puts on her indicator and pulls over to the side of the road.

"Are you all right? Is something wrong?" she asks me with panic in her voice.

I smile reassuringly at her, "No. Everything is fine" I explain, "I was thinking, would you like to go to the park with me?" I ask squeezing her hand.

She looks at me in amazement but smiles warmly, "Are you sure?" she asks again with some concern.

I nod looking intensely at her to let her know that I am sure. I feel safe with her and trust her to do so.

Jade doesn't stop smiling and then unbuckles her seatbelt, gets out of the car and comes to my side opening the door for me. She offers me her hand which I immediately hold, I get out of the car and never let go of her hand, I look around taking a deep breath, we are only a few steps away from the park and I wonder what smells here. I imagine it fresh and relaxing.

Jade locks the car and looks at me, "I'm here, I won't leave you" she reassures me as we slowly walk towards the park, it's not big and at this hour there aren't many people, which is heartening because as a first experiment I prefer some calm.

We enter the park and I keep looking around. My mind tells me to turn back, safe in the car, but my heart tells me to keep going. To savour this moment and enjoy every minute of it.

I choose my heart

We walk on, slowly, not because I am afraid, a little bit, actually, but because I don't want to rush my stay here. Imprisonment first, and my self-isolation later, led me to completely forget the beauty of small things, and now that I am here, I feel like I am back for the first time.

I meditate on the fact that I really had the courage to get out of the car and abandon the security I am looking for to do a crazy experiment that could either help me heal or bring me down again.

I don't realise the tears streaming from my eyes and the smile on my face until Jade brings her hand to my cheek, "Talk to me" she whispers softly.

"I think... I just think I'm happy" I laugh at last. My heart stops when I think about what I just said.

Happy

I look at Jade and see a smile full of joy and eyes full of love.

"Kiss me" I whisper to her. She wastes no time, slowly moving closer and brushing my lips with hers. A chaste kiss full of unspoken emotions. We pull away when we realise we are not alone and someone might see us.

Jade and I have not yet decided what we are, if we are anything at all. I am not ready for a relationship and she knows it, but that doesn't doubt the love I feel for her. And I no longer doubt her love for me.

Jade is proving it to me every day with her whole self, not only with nice words, but above all with small gestures, which for me are the foundation of the trust I am slowly but surely building.

When our moment is over, we decide to continue our walk in this park that already holds many meanings for me and where I know I will return again.

We sit by a pond and enjoy each other's company as the fresh air hits our skin. I watch the birds and squirrels move around us and laugh at my childish side.

I thought I had lost that too but every day I discover more about myself. Some things never leave completely, they take a moment to come back again when we need them.

I shudder, but I don't know if from the air or from Jade's hand sliding down my arm. I look at her and she immediately stops, tries to remove it but I grab it and place it back on my arm. She starts caressing me again and doesn't scare me. I feel at peace.

"I never stopped loving you" I confess not looking at her, "Even when I hated you I never stopped loving you"

I see her tears return and I lift her chin, my eyes fixed in hers, "I forgive you, Jade"

She bursts into tears, "Perrie, I-" the sobs don't allow her to speak, "I don't know what I did to deserve you" she tells me and my world stops at her confession. I remember all the times Alex told me that I only deserved pain and suffering because I would never be enough.

Now Jade overturns my beliefs again

"I love you Perrie Edwards"

I smile because the three words I want to say to her stop in my throat even though I know they are there.

I love you Jade Thirlwall

I can't say it just yet, but I feel it. I know one day I will be ready.

"You don't have to say it, Pez" she reassures me, "I know you do, I can feel it, when you want you can say it"

I thank her and continue looking at her to memorize every detail of her in my mind again. My finger traces all her features, the curve of her nose, the perfect line of her lips and I feel connected to her in another way.

She moves closer and kisses my forehead lingering on my skin, I relax feeling the warmth of her lips, I hold her close to me and know I won't leave her again.

A sweet melody interrupts our moment and we turn in the direction of the sound to find out where it came from.

Ice cream truck

I don't know if tempting fate is the right thing, but Jade is with me and I know nothing bad will happen. I stand up and rub my trousers, offer her my hand and she grabs it so I help her pull herself to her feet.

"Do you want to go home?" she asks me with a sad smile.

I shake my head and take her hand as I walk around the opposite side of the park entrance and towards the white truck, Jade watches me carefully but doesn't comment.

I don't want to back out. I know I can do it.

All that I got is enough to make it work

I repeat it to myself like a mantra as I approach my goal.

I make a mental list of the things I want and I can do:

Choose the flavour

Talk to the ice cream guy

Order the fucking ice cream

I beat myself up thinking that at my age ordering ice cream seems like a mission impossible but then I remember Cheryl's words.

"It's important that you recognise your needs and don't judge them as vulnerabilities"

"Everyone reacts to pain and their experiences differently and we should never judge them"

"Don't judge yourself"

I think it's been almost two years since I was allowed to choose what to eat, talk to others without his permission and order food. I think Alex messed me up, but I survived and I think I won't let others judge me.

"You are not weak"

Jade's words make their way into my mind and I feel stronger.

I am not weak

"Good afternoon" I say after taking a deep breath, the boy on the other side looks at me and his eyes light up when he sees me and Jade, I smile at him, "M-may I have a chocolate and biscuits ice cream?" I ask, stuttering at first, but the rest flows smoothly.

He nods and I look at Jade who looks at me with watery eyes full of surprise and admiration. I know she is enjoying this moment as much as I am.

The boy hands me the ice cream and Jade orders hers. I see she is about to pull out her wallet but I stop her.

I can do it

I take out my wallet to pay, my hands shake a little but I manage to complete my task.

Small things

Big achievements

We thank the guy and say goodbye but before we go he stops us, "Wait! I won't get another chance. Can we take a picture please?" he asks us with hopeful eyes.

Oh

I swallow and close my eyes taking a huge breath, then smile and get ready to take the photo, but the guy stops me, "What? I'm here with two of my favourite singers, there's no way you're staying out of the picture"

This sentence has more meaning for me than he will ever know.

I think about the pictures of Alex and his friends.

I also think that he just called me one of his favourite singers.

What do I do?

So am I really worth something?

Jade keeps telling me that, but I think she's only saying it because of how she feels about me.

I still haven't decided what to do with my future, whether going back to singing is my path.

"Why?" I ask him. He looks astonished, " Why are we two of your favourite singers?" I ask again voicing the doubts in my head even though he doesn't know.

He hesitates for a second as if he's thinking about which is the right answer and which is the real one, "You girls are an inspiration. Each of you has experienced something that made you suffer but look where you are now! You could have given up a long time ago, yet here you are, selling one record after another. You stand up for people's rights, there is no discrimination of any kind. You speak to the hearts of all without letting those who tell you that you cannot do it get you down. On top of all that, your voices are insane" he says to me smiling and I see the honesty.

He looks at me and for a moment I think he has understood everything. I smile at him. I wonder what his story is.

This guy has just changed my day and he doesn't even know it.

Thank you

I approach and Jade follows me, I feel his hand brush mine and I stiffen. This is the first time I've touched a man since... Alex, when I'd seen my father and brother I hadn't even been able to hug them. I take a deep breath and think that I am safe, no one will hurt me.

Not all people want to hurt you

Not everyone is cruel

I open my eyes and smile, not from duty but from the knowledge that I have done more than I thought possible for me. He clicks and I feel proud of myself.

I am not weak

We turn away and say goodbye to him, "It will be fine" he tells me with an understanding smile, as if he knows the truth. And perhaps he does.

Yes, everything will be fine 

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A/N - Hello everyone! So, I am very happy to realise that after like 23 chapters I could remove the trigger warnings!!! 🥳 Unfortunately this won't last forever since Perrie's journey has just started but we can enjoy the small things too! 🥰

Thanks to all the people who are still following this story, your support is really the best thing 🥹🧡

Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C