Chapter 26 - I Won't

Chapter 26 – I Won't

Jesy pov

"Hi Pez!" I say enthusiastically as I enter her place, she comes up smiling and hugs me. She does it every time she sees me by now and I'm so happy that she feels comfortable with me again.

"How are you?" I ask her with a smile on my face.

"I'd be better if I could breathe" she laughs sincerely and her magnificent laughter fills the walls of the room, I realise I'm holding her a little too tightly and I let her go.

"I'm sorry" I whisper worriedly, but she keeps laughing and returns to my arms.

"I'm fine, Jes. I was just kidding" she reassures me gently.

"So, what would you like to do today?" I ask her.

By now Perrie has started going out fairly easily again, sure, crowded places aren't her first choice because they still cause her anxiety, but she's starting to do normal things like go shopping, or to the cinema and restaurant.

She saw Zayn again last week and their meeting was full of happy tears and forgiveness. She even hugged Zayn at the end.

Even though Pez is now comfortable being alone, I preferred to come and keep her company since Jade is at the label to discuss something with Simon. She hasn't told me what it is yet but I think it has something to do with my blonde friend.

Perrie hasn't spoken any more about what she'd like to do in the future and we haven't pushed for it, although I often see her writing, she never shows me what, but I suppose they're songs. I'd like her to let me listen to something, but I don't want to force her.

Apart from that, in all honesty we could use some help with the new tracks.

Jade has written I Love You and Love Me Like You which will probably be a single and they are obviously for Pez, although she still doesn't seem to get it.

Leigh and I have been collaborating with other songwriters and the result is A.D.I.D.A.S., Hair and Black Magic, which will be the bomb, if it goes as I expect I'll get to the point where I'll be sick of singing it!

Jade told me she wanted to ask Perrie if she could also record Love Me or Leave Me, but she's afraid Pez will say no because it brings back too many bad memories.

That leaves the three songs we had written before we found Perrie: Grown, Weird People and OMG.

My Love Won't Let You Down, which to this day is one of my favourites as it reminds me of the day Perrie woke up, will not be included on this album. At least that's what Simon has decided and it doesn't seem to me that he wants to change his mind. He says he's missing something and it's not pop enough. Marketing issues or something.

The truth is that the thing that is missing in all these songs is one thing. And it's not a thing, but a person.

I don't have to say who I'm talking about, do I?

So in order to have a complete album, we are missing at least three more tracks, me, Leigh and Jade have started writing a new one, but we are not convinced.

Honestly, without Perrie's voice, nothing seems to convince me.

On top of that, fans still don't know that Perrie is no longer in the band and now I'm wondering what she would like to do, because if we make the official announcement she will be peppered with questions and I don't think it will be healthy for her to be in the spotlight having to explain her leaving.

"Jesy!" Pez snaps her fingers in front of my eyes, "I've been calling you for ten minutes, baba. What's wrong with you?" she asks me laughing.

"Sorry, sunshine. I was thinking about the new album. We're late and we're still missing a few songs" I tell her sincerely but omitting all my reasoning about her.

Her gaze drops and I see some sadness and uncertainty, "Have you recorded anything yet?"

"Yes, but it all sounds... incomplete" I admit.

"Can I listen to something?" I see her eyes light up and I could never say no to that glance.

I let out a giggle and take her hand walking towards the living room. I connect the speakers to my phone and put on Hair.

Perrie listens intently and occasionally smiles, then her gaze changes to one of determination.

"Well, this is... intense" she tells me and I realise she can feel the meaning better than we can, I already regret letting her hear it but, "Can I make some changes?" she asks.

I am astonished but inside I was hoping for nothing else.

We work on the song for a couple of hours, adjust the melody and Perrie adds a few details and fixes some words.

We don't realise it's already late until we see Jade and Leigh staring at us with huge smiles, Pez hasn't seen them yet, too focused on the song. She has a furrowed brow and bites her pencil between her teeth. When she turns around she sees three pairs of eyes staring intently at her and a blush rises along her cheeks.

"Hello, love" Jade says to her and walks over to give her a hug. Perrie greets her with adoration in her eyes, but Leigh has to ruin the moment and clears her throat to indicate that she has not yet received her welcoming hug. Perrie runs to her and quickly makes up for it, and I see Leigh holding back tears of joy.

We still haven't got used to having her back yet

As I watch her I can't help thinking about what she has been through and how much progress she has already made and will make in the future. That girl is something else.

"So, let us hear it!" Leigh squeals so high-pitched that I have to plug my ears.

Leigh, you just perforated my eardrum, you bitch

"It's no big deal" Perrie starts, "I just had some ideas, but it was actually much better before I got my hands on it" she whispers.

"She's lying! It's a hundred times better now"

It is, but only because Perrie was singing. We can't keep being Little Mix if she or another one of us leaves.

"Come on, baba, let's just give it a try" Jade begs, pulling out her puppy-dog eyes knowing perfectly well that Perrie can't resist her.

And indeed,

Pez nods and sits on the couch motioning for us to take a seat, I show Leighade the edited text and ask Pez if she would like to sing, at first she seems undecided, but after thinking for a while she chooses to join us. We divide the text by four and I start the base with the changes we worked on and finally the song comes to life.

Much better than before

Pez is smiling the whole time, her voice is a little lower than ours but I can see that she is enthusiastic about it and is putting all her effort into getting every note right.

The song rocks!

When the song ends all four of us smile from ear to ear and it seems that nothing between us has changed, despite these two years.

"Wow... That was... liberating" Pez smiles, "And fun. I didn't remember it being this much fun"

"Do you want to continue?" Jade asks her, squeezing her hand. Pez smiles and nods.

"Okay, we have this song we can't finish, it's missing a verse and some chorus parts" Leigh pulls out her notebook showing Perrie the last song we started writing. Again the lyrics are about her, and about us. We wrote it thinking about all the things that have happened in the last few months but especially in the last few weeks.

It holds all the hope we have and the confidence that we will make it...

Perrie pov

I take the paper Leigh hands me and recognise the handwriting of my two friends and my girlfri-Jade.

Hold on, Perrie, you were so close

I read the text and look at the girls watching me carefully, I know this is for me too. I read it in the words and in their eyes.

I want to thank them for writing something so meaningful. This text perfectly reflects our growth over the last few months.

I feel that something is missing, "Can I add something?" I ask shyly, they do not answer but Jade hands me the pen and so I write what I have been repeating to myself for the last few weeks and the only thing I want.

I ask them to start the base but they haven't written it yet, so I grab my guitar and start playing what I feel might fit this song. A cheerful, playful melody comes to life and I tell Jesy to start singing.

"I got my pride, my self-respectNeed nothing more, want nothing less" I motion Jesy to interrupt and sing the verse I just wrote.

"'Cause all that I got should be enough to make it work'Cause all that I want is to love and just be loved"

I see the girls smiling at me as I continue to play. They will be the only ones who know how much truth there is in these words, but I don't need anything else.

"I'll never let it go 'cause we can do this on our ownI'll never let it go, we have too much to let it fallI'll never let it go 'cause we can do this on our ownI'll never let it go, we have too much to let it fall" we sing the pre-chorus together and then I hand them the sheet with the lyrics.

I added something to the chorus, I learned that nothing comes easy in the worst way, now I can take my revenge and I won't let anyone come between me and my dreams.

"And I won't let anybody tell me noI won't take anything for granted'Cause I know that nothing good comes easyIf it did, I wouldn't be meLet it go and let me do it 'cause

I won't, I won'tI won't, I won'tI won't, I won'tI won't, I won't" I can see Jade getting emotional as she reads the parts I added and knowing how proud she is of me makes me so determined to do better day after day.

"I got my heart, my head up highI will be strong, I will survive" Jade sings looking deeply into my eyes and as my hands continue to play I know that this moment is ours, she is talking about herself, but she is also talking to me.

"'Cause all of the hurt will wash away with the rainAnd all that we've learned will be enough to shine again" Leigh closes the verse and she too looks at me to tell me that these words are for me. That the pain and the darkness will be gone and I can shine again.

We repeat the bridge and the chorus. The song does not have long lyrics but it is enough to say what we need to say. It holds all the determination and hope we have and that's just fine.

When I'm about to finish the girls sing a part that wasn't in the lyrics I read.

"Hold your head up, see the daylight (these stones and sticks are what makes me)Hold your head up 'cause your future's looking bright (these stones and sticks are all I need)Hold your head up, see the daylight (these stones and sticks are what makes me)Hold your head up 'cause (these stones and sticks are all I needed)" I listen carefully to each word. And I believe every one of them.

"Thank you" I say only because the emotions are too many and I know that if I try to say everything I feel I will end up in a sea of tears, and honestly, it's no time for tears.

I know I don't need to add anything else, they know that. They need no more words to know how essential their help has been and is.

I would not be here without their support.

I get up from the sofa and without a second thought I run to hug them. A real group hug after so long, the first, I hope, of many.

After watching two films Jes gets up and says she has to go home and possibly write another song. Ever since she told me that they are missing some lyrics I've been thinking whether I should show them the one I wrote for Dr Blossom. On the one hand I am proud of that lyric, but I don't want Jade to take it badly or be offended.

I pluck up my courage and stop Jesy, "I have something" I tell them, "I wrote it when I was at your place, that night you found me in the music room" I look at Jesy and she nods indicating that she remembers.

"I was very confused about my feelings towards Alex and... towards Jade, so Cheryl asked me to write down how I felt and I'm quite proud of what came out" I tell them but now looking only at Jade.

Her face has no expression and now I feel intimidated. What if she reads it and gets angry?

She won't hurt me

I know she won't, but sometimes my brain reverts back to some dynamics and I have to remind myself that Jade is definitely not like Alex.

I go to my room and pull out the lyrics, "It's called Lightning" I say on my way back to them.

I give them the lyrics and see the expressions of pure interest as they read the text. Jade lowers her gaze and I sense her confusion and sadness.

I lift her chin and look at her, "Jade, this song is a trip, my mind was in a storm and I was questioning my every emotion and thought. But I want you to know that the good parts are only about you. I felt so confused as if I was between an angel and a devil and didn't know which way to go. My mind said to go back to him because it was the obvious choice, but my heart said to go back to you because you would save me, but it was all so complicated"

Jade looks at me and I see her relaxing, but the concern persists "So.... Are you sure I didn't hurt you?" she asks me

"I'm sure, baba. I wish I hadn't loved you again, but you are the light of the sun I run towards to escape the shadows" I smile at her, "You could never hurt me like he did. You are not like him and never think you are"

Jade finally relaxes and smiles sincerely, "Well... the song is crazy, it's cool though!"

A hearty laugh comes out from all of us at her words, "Have you thought about the type of sound yet?" Jesy asks.

"No, but I was thinking of a dark vibe, a bit creepy to be honest" I say laughing but knowing that it's the best thing for this song and because at that moment in my mind there was pain, suffering and restlessness, the darkness was invading every part of me and this song is so raw I almost feel like I'm naked as I let them read the lyrics.

I'm fine with them singing it because I won't anyway and no one will ever know I wrote it.

I haven't told Jade yet, but I don't think I'll be able to go back to this job, at least for now.

It's not so much the writing and recording part, which I can handle, but how am I supposed to do during concerts? When I go half naked on stage and all their eyes are on me. When everyone will try to get a piece of me, the journalists, the paps and also the fans.

I don't know if I can do it, it's too soon. I need my comfort zone and the security that my routine gives me.

Besides, if I go on stage with those outfits, Jade will see my scars and be disgusted with me and my body. I can no longer look at myself in the mirror because for me every scar is a memory, but for Jade... my body is irretrievably ruined and when Jade will see it she will run away.

And even if she accepts me, even if I go back to singing, the fans will see them and everyone will start asking me how I got them. I am not ready to tell them the truth, I am not ready to tell my story, but if I go out there sooner or later it will be revealed, and if the journalists don't get the truth they will invent one.

My thoughts are interrupted when there is a knock on the door and Jade goes to open it.

"Pez, it's for you!" she shouts, returning to the living room. I head towards the door very confused.

I wonder who's looking for me and why but gasp when I see who's there a few steps away from me.

"Hello, sweetie" his grin sends shivers down my spine.

He stares at me with those eyes I could never forget.

"Aren't you going to say hello to an old friend?" 

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A/N - Who's at the door? Any ideas? Drama is coming 😣

Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C