-15-

Shine

A bittersweet wave of nostalgia pulsated a steady rhythm in my chest as I quietly surveyed my now barren bedroom where I spent much of my adolescence brewing in a harrowing mental prison.

A naked mattress and a scruffy old dresser were all that remained.

My minimalistic nature reflected in my lack of room décor.

Apart from a few worn books and mementos from my childhood, my bedroom had been mostly plain.

Yet, it was still quite strange to see it so empty...

Bittersweet, indeed.

I can recall a time when I was tempted to run away from this hellhole—abandon all the burdens ascribed to me at birth.

Poverty, disgrace, loneliness...

Funny how my hesitation ultimately led me into her clutches—

—Her bed.

My cowardice was my downfall.

However, the fighter in me could no longer tolerate portraying the role of a coward.

The misguided little girl who allowed herself to be swept away by a pair of sinfully deceptive green eyes cannot continue to exist within me.

Failure to resolve my sexual trauma along with the lingering feelings I still harbored for her would reign her triumphant.

And there was no way in fucking hell I'd ever let her get the best of me.

Not again.

Park Kyungri doesn't deserve my love nor my silence.

The first step to recovery is therapy.

California.

The decision to leave was my own.

Jaebum and my mother clearly favored me receiving professional treatment, but I was confident that if I refused, they wouldn't have forced me.

This new fated path was all on me to take.

And I accepted.

I needed to.

Contrary to Korea, America would be an entirely different animal to wrangle.

The culture shock—the time difference—the language barrier.

And therapy?

Fucking hell, therapy.

...What would that be like?

With the little attempts at coping, I've made with Irene alone, the little hyper bursts of memories kept pouring in like molten lava—could I handle that on a daily basis?

That alone terrified me.

But at the same time, I'm determined.

Happiness and health are my dues.

So was being with my brother.

Finally, we can be together as siblings minus the twisted secrets and suppression.

The prospect of witnessing him become a father brought a special feeling to me.

I was going to be an aunt to a tiny human being.

knowledge made me feel a great sense of responsibility.

Of course, I'd need to learn all the baby basics like how to change a diaper or how to prepare baby formula. Among the many things that I was excited for was the chance to meet Mina, whom Jaebum couldn't seem to shut the fuck up about.

It was a pleasant change of pace since when he first mentioned her, she was just some nameless floozy he impregnated.

But from the animated, devoted way he spoke about her, I knew he found someone special.

We'd both get to watch her belly grow.

A sudden influx of new experiences and blessings had been added to my life that I had never imagined I would be fortunate enough to enjoy.

My mother chose to give me life.

My older brother put me before his own father.

And Irene...

Well...

She was the reason why I felt like I could go through with all this in the first place—like I can fearlessly embrace the darkness unjustly cast upon me and confront it head-on.

I can do it.

"Damn, rooms always look so much bigger when they're empty."

I cocked my head to the side to catch Jaebum striding up beside me, his slinky arm lovingly draping over my shoulder.

"Wasn't much to pack, huh?" He chuckled while giving a comforting squeeze to my upper arm.

I shrugged.

"Never had much to begin with."

"Well, in Cali, you'll have the financial freedom to do up your room any way you like," He playfully nudged my side, donning a cheeky, boyish grin. "Maybe we can even get a framed picture of your girlfriend—something to keep you motivated."

"S-Shut up," I coughed nervously as I shrugged off his arm and adjusted my backpack straps, an intense blush coloring my cheeks. "She's technically not even my girlfriend..."

"And I'm technically not a father," he quipped back while contentedly resting his hands behind his head. "Not yet at least."

"I don't know how things will be between us long distance..." I admitted sheepishly, the tip of my sneaker lightly scuffing at the rough floorboards beneath my feet. "We haven't really talked about it much...so we don't further complicate things..."

Not wishing to add to our misery...

"Yeah, it's gonna be pretty rough," Jaebum stated through a quick sigh, scrawny body swaying as he rocked on his heels, something he always seemed to do when he had something insightful to share. "But if you both are willing to make it work, you'll end up just fine."

Both willing.

There was no doubt rooted in my mind that I sure as fuck was willing and I knew for damn sure so was Irene.

Yet, that didn't ease my mind in any way.

It's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it can also disintegrate affections if neglected...

If I ever lost her...

Noticing my hesitation, Jaebum placed a cool hand on the back of my neck to ease my nerves.

"You don't need to worry about stuff like that anyway, Seully, Irene seems like a really-ride-or-die kind of chick," He hummed reassuringly, gently massaging the tension from my neck. "I'm sure whatever happens, she'll still be right in your corner."

The words of encouragement kindled a broad smile on my lips.

"Yeah, she is pretty great..."

His hand slid to my cheek then promptly gave it a firm pinch.

"You love her," The silver-headed doofus cooed while roughly tugging my cheek.

The rims of my ears burned with embarrassment as I swatted away his hand then walked over to my black rolling suitcase.

"W-We should get going..." I nervously changed the subject while toying with the loose handle of the bulky baggage.

I don't think I'll ever get over how mega awkward it is to freely acknowledge my very raw and oh-so-intense feelings for Irene with someone—especially when that someone was my nosy, idiot brother.

"Right, I got a car waiting for us outside to take us to the airport," Jaebum said chipperly as he seized the suitcase from my hands.

"Are we really flying first class or are you just blowing smoke up my ass?" I asked him skeptically.

"I meant it when I told you I'm milking that bastard for all he's worth," He chuckled, pulling my backpack from my shoulder then lobbing it over his. "Plus, my baby sister deserves to go out in style."

My eyebrows twitched in response.

"You make it sound like we're gonna blow up on the way there or something."

"That's a possibility," he said goofily while reaching down to interlace our fingers. "But at least we'd blow up together."

I scoffed in amusement, clenching his hand tighter.

"You're so corny."

He flashed his signature grin.

"Certified cornball."

After one final glance, Jaebum and I exited my bedroom together, hand in hand, with my bags in tow.

When we entered the living room, our mother stood by the front door anxiously waiting for us.

"Aww, look at you two," She gushed in elation, placing a frail hand over her mouth and staring at the two of us affectionately. "I have such beautiful-looking children."

"We know," Jaebum and I said proudly in unison.

"If you two weren't siblings, you'd make a lovely couple," she mused jokingly which had us instantly pulling away as if our hands were suddenly implanted with spikes.

"Ew! Why would you say that?!" I gagged in disgust while Jaebum dramatically dry-heaved beside me.

"Ah, Ma, why did you have to go and ruin the moment?" Jaebum whined with a small pout. "Do you know how hard I worked to get this kid to even let me touch her?"

"You know I'm kidding, hush," she rallied us back together and commenced staring us down as if she were trying to burn the image of us permanently in her mind.

Her soft, warm eyes eventually linked directly with mine, gradually filling with tears the longer she looked at me.

In a loving gesture, she cupped my face.

"We haven't been apart since the day you were born..." she whispered tenderly, gently caressing my cheeks with the palms of her hands, her tears silently rolling down her worn face. "But I know now is the time to let you go."

She then carted me into a tight hold which I returned.

Her hold was heartfelt and comforting, familiar—as a mother's hold should be.

"I'll miss you, mom..." I murmured softly, burying my face into her sweater, taking in her perfumed aroma.

It was a time of savoring, not knowing when I would be able to see her again, at least the smallest things, such as a scent, would be etched in my consciousness.

"I'll miss you more..." she pressed a sweet kiss to my forehead. "Take care, my sweet baby..."

After one final squeeze, she unwrapped herself from me then moved to embrace Jaebum.

"You look out for her and don't get her into any trouble," she sternly instructed him while ruffling his stringy hair. "Which means no more drugs, or I'll personally deliver your head to Mina's father myself."

Jaebum rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Ma, it's just pot," he justified defensively through a loud groan. "And it's legal down in Cali."

"I don't care," My mother countered sharply. "She's underage and she doesn't need the influence."

"Okay, okay, Jesus," He sighed in defeat. "I swear to you, she won't even be smelling the stuff."

He discreetly elbowed my ribcage, prompting me to look down at his crossed fingers.

mom, not even a smell," I said while reciprocating my brother's devious smile.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

The three of us bid our final goodbyes, then loaded up the rest of my luggage before leaving the apartment.

"I love you!" Our mother's voice echoed through the hallway as we raced down the stairs.

"Love you more!" We exclaimed in response.

Upon exiting the complex, a large, luxurious-looking vehicle was parked adjacent to it.

But that wasn't all that awaited me.

A strikingly radiant Irene stood before me exquisitely clothed in a bright yellow sundress that flowed attractively in the breeze. Her glowing complexion was enhanced by her silky chocolate locks that fell past her shoulders.

God.

She never fails to take my breath away.

"Hey," She greeted me with a luminous smile that had my legs feeling like jelly stilts.

"Hey," I replied shyly, not bothering to fight the cheesy grin that badly wanted to stretch across my face.

We gazed at each other.

In the presence of those striking jade eyes, everything seemed to dissolve into thin air.

You and me...

opened her mouth to speak but hesitated when she noticed Jaebum standing beside me sporting the stupidest 'I'm totally fucking up the vibe' smirk.

The two of us stared at him awkwardly before he huffed and threw up his hands in surrender.

"Okay, okay, I'll fuck off," He chuckled while readjusting my backpack on his shoulder. "But don't take too long sucking each other's faces off."

"Go away, jackass," I muttered, my entire face illuminated in a furious blush.

As he walked off to load up the car with our luggage, Irene turned to me with a lively grin.

"I got something for you."

That's when I noticed the small bundle of envelopes clutched between her fingers.

She extended them out toward me.

"This one is from me," She pointed to a cream-colored envelope with my name neatly written in script cursive. Then she handed me a smaller baby blue envelope bearing my name in large letters. "And this one is from Wendy."

"I'll take my time reading them," I chirped happily while taking the letters in my hands.

Next, she pulled out a Polaroid photograph depicting a familiar scene.

"Seungyoon wanted me to give this to you."

I straight away recognized the wall graffiti art of Seungyoon against the brick wall with the spray-painted angel wings.

The printed version was even more impressive.

"He told me you seemed to like this one best," Irene said, her voice buoyant.

"So, you guys are talking again?" I asked her while examining the printed artwork, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, we had a conversation, it was nice," She admitted, her broad smile showcasing her pearly whites. "I had no idea he was hiding this from me. Can't believe he kept it to himself, the talented jerk."

"How are you two, anyway?" I asked, stacking the letters and polaroid together in a bundle.

"Back on speaking terms at least," she said earnestly. "We finally had a long talk about everything...and in the end, we agreed to be at least friends. It'd be weird to just completely shut each other out."

"That's a start..." I murmured, a bitter taste rising in my mouth as a Seungyoon's parting words to me replied in my mind.

"I won't give up on her."

I knew he meant it.

As much as I wanted to confidently say I wasn't the least bit concerned about Seungyoon rejuvenating their romance, anything was possible.

He had you once...

Irene must have sensed my reservations since the next thing I knew, she cradled my hand delicately in hers, bringing that same warm feeling I could feel tingling in my toes.

"Seungyoon and I are friends and that's how we'll always remain," She declared to me assuredly, her eyes aligning with mine. "I love him but I'm not in love with him."

My smile was restored.

"Good to know."

"I also have to figure out my bisexuality," She added with a small blush.

"Just don't explore too much," I smirked, lightly poking at her belly with my index finger which caused her to release a cute giggle.

Upon hearing my words, Irene's grin turned sly.

"You jealous?"

I playfully rolled my eyes.

"Can't be jealous of nothing."

"Good," She placed a sweet kiss on my nose. "Right now, I only have eyes for you..."

A fleet of goosebumps broke out along my arms, my heart swelling twice its size.

In between laughter, we exchanged gentle kisses, our noses brushing tenderly.

"I'm going to miss you so much..." She said through a choked sob, rosy cheeks already wet with moisture.

"I'll miss you too..." I whispered, mixing her tears with my own as I leaned in to taste her lips.

I love you...

"Promise you'll write?" My glassy-eyed lover sniffed, smile still prominent but caked in sadness.

"Letters are so old school," I joked, sucking my teeth.

"I don't care—I want letters," She demanded while stamping her foot cutely. "I'm a traditional girl, you know."

I laughed softly.

"Letters it is."

Our lips reacquainted themselves one final time.

My emotions were heightened by the sensation of tasting her lips.

There was a heavy weight in my chest, a weight that only grew heavier the longer I prologued pouring my heart out to her.

"I-Irene..." I began to say as I slowly drew away from her, my vision obstructed by tears. "I really—"

I was abruptly silenced by her hand clamping over my mouth.

"Don't you fucking dare..." She whispered while removing her hand and slowly tracing lazy circles around the outline of my lips. "You can't tell me this now...I won't be able to let you go if you do..."

My head fell wearily against her shoulder.

"But I want to..."

She forced my head back up to face her, wiping my wet face clean with the pads of her thumbs.

"Say it in a letter...I did."

Nodding, I pulled her back into a tighter embrace, just as I had done with my mother, trying to preserve the preciousness of the moment.

Just her.

Just me.

Just us.

A blaring horn forced us apart.

"Oh my, God, Seully, let's go!" Jaebum loudly bellowed, obnoxiously honking the vehicle's horn with each word he shouted. "You can FaceTime your girlfriend at the airport!"

"He's right," Irene giggled. "I mean, we'll see each other virtually in about twenty minutes."

"Doesn't beat the real thing though," I hummed while stealing another kiss from her sleek lips.

"And when you land in California, I'll be expecting a phone call at least once a week."

"You got it."

With one final sentimental parting kiss, I spun around and trotted hastily to the car.

My gaze was hard-locked to Irene's beautiful figure as the car pulled away, the two of us waving to one another until she diminished into nothingness.

A weighty sigh of relief seeped past my lips as I turned around and melted into the passenger seat.

"You ready?" Jaebum asked, resting a gentle hand on my shoulder.

I nodded.

Confidently.

Bravely.

"Like a fucking fight."

I'm ready.