-12-

Speak your fears, mend your wounds

"So...how exactly should we do this?"

The question was posed with the smooth delicacy of a quiet midsummer night and yet my entire body reactively weighted itself down in tensed trepidation.

We were huddled in the backyard of the Bae residence, planted on top of a freshly coated rosewood deck that sloped over the impressively massive pool region. Irene sat adjacent from me, her school attire swapped for a simple t-shirt and jeans combination while I remained in my wrinkled uniform. The decorative flowered centerpiece that usually adorned the glass patio table had been pushed to the side to make room for an immensely different kind of centerpiece—one that silently wailed for my attention.

A familiar blue-tinted bottle etched with golden studded labeling mockingly reigned within my main focal point.

I swallowed back the ugly lump of nerves suddenly engorging my throat, my body progressively sinking into the rough padding of the wicker patio chair as if I were being submerged within quicksand.

Why can't I move...?

"Seulgi?"

My attention shifted to Irene who graciously gifted me one of her many compassionate expressions I really wish she'd keep to herself.

The level of vulnerability those blazing green eyes belted upon me proved time and time again far too intense for me to bear in a single setting.

God, I was already her awestricken fool—must she weaken me further?

"How would you like to do this...?" Irene nervously reiterated, switching in her seat as her slender fingers thoughtlessly toyed at the jagged armrests.

"Doesn't matter to me..." I grumbled under my breath.

I've been dreading this moment.

The entirety of the day was spent with me festering about from class to class a panicky mess, desperately willing any entity lingering among the universe's plane to slow the inevitable drive of time.

As the hours agonizingly drifted along, my impending doom continued to ruthlessly storm cloud around me.

She just had to stay true to her word, hadn't she?

I hoped for once her annoyingly reliable self would fail to rise to the occasion, but surprise, surprise—little miss perfect problem-solver managed to find a way.

I wasn't sure if I favored this trait of hers anymore.

Fuck.

This is it.

I have to face it now.

I've exhausted my excuses, bear trapped myself from escape, completely enslaved by a fiery gaze—I have to face this.

I have to face her.

Park Kyungri.

Although this time only within my subconscious, she managed to shred my life to shambles—ruin me through the faintest of memories.

I needed to do this.

I needed to seize back that fraction of adolescence she stripped from me.

Adolescence I feared I'd never get back...

This must be faced.

But it was still so incredibly frightening.

The odd bright side of it all was that I could now justify actually being within Irene's presence. Her luminous warmth bundled me in a comfort I hadn't allowed myself to feel in a very long time.

But the despaired pain that accompanied said comfort whenever I was forced to think of her was...

...Monstrous.

"How did you even manage to score this thing, anyway?" I asked with amused skepticism as I took the chilled bottle in my palm, closely examining its glassed surface with a jittery switch of my wrist. "We totally stole it the last time."

"You stole it," The brunette clarified with an airy laugh, charmingly tossing her hair past her left shoulder. "And I told you I'd work on it, didn't I? I have a few friends who have connections to people that forge fake IDs for minors. They had one made for me but I don't really drink so it's kind of pointless..."

The subtle strain in her tone had me thinking her alcohol reluctance linked directly to Wendy.

Wendy—right.

Given our extremely bizarre encounter the prior night, she was now much more than just an average acquaintance to me.

We were all a giant, tangled wad of awkwardness after our unexpected sleepover.

Well, at least Wendy and I, were.

Irene naturally breezed through the ordeal oh so elegantly.

At the crack of dawn, she was up in a snap, promptly awakening us in time to shower and dress for school while dodging the low radar of her parents. She also slotted the perfect time for us to swing by my place to retrieve my uniform.

Luckily, my mother had already left for work.

It's not like I wanted to see her anyhow...

"How is Wendy doing?" I found myself randomly asking even though I already knew the answer.

The smiley blonde appeared periodically throughout my school day, so often that I was compelled to initiate some form of small talk despite us literally sleeping together.

It blew my mind just how much of the little things I noticed once my narrowed attention ranged on to someone other than Irene.

"She's doing a hell of a lot better than last night, that's for certain," Irene answered through a light titter, her hands anxiously fidgeting at her jeans. "She's coming over again later tonight."

"...Is it really that bad?"

I wasn't necessarily seeking a verbal answer but she provided one anyway.

"Worse."

Without registering an appropriately level-headed response, my careless thoughts manifested themselves into words I couldn't stop.

"...So just how bad does it have to get for you to tell your parents?"

Horrified green eyes fixated on me in an instant.

"W-What does that have to do with anything?" She frantically gestured towards the vodka bottle still clamped in my grasp. "This is about you right now, not Wendy."

"Just answer the damn question," I urged with an accidental amount of hostility.

A quarter of me was genuinely adamant for answers but the majority of me hoped Irene's fitful emotions would be enough to deter her prior mission.

"I don't know, okay?" The distressed girl combed her bony fingers through her silky chocolate locks. "It's a pretty complicated situation..."

I scoffed.

"She's being abused by her father; the only complication is no one is doing anything about it."

"You don't get it," Irene said, her sullen disposition drastically changing the general mood. "Wendy would be devastated if her father was taken from her...it almost happened once before and she was an absolute wreck over it..."

"But getting her the fuck away from him would be the best thing for her."

"Ripping her away from the only family she has just to be chewed up and spit out by the foster system is the best thing for her?" She sarcastically snarked. "I think not."

"I'd rather that than have her head slammed against a wall every night."

Inner conflict rapidly glinted in her eyes like a wildfire—proving to me that she deeply resonated with my words, for she herself have cycled through this train of thought repeatedly.

"I swore to her I wouldn't get in the way..." She whispered remorsefully.

I already knew this.

She can't.

She and Wendy held a sacred friendship I couldn't quite comprehend in the beginning.

It was plain as day how much Irene was willing to sacrifice for her.

When she first confided in me about the heinous abuse the latter endured on the daily, I knew how harshly it tolled on her—the heavy burden she bore just to conceal her best friend's grizzly secret. The stakes were beyond high, a possible choice between life or death yet Irene was willing to take that risk as opposed to breaking Wendy's trust.

It disgusted me how that same act of honor unintentionally protected the abuser.

It killed her inside, I know it did.

I admired her strength.

But in the same instance...

"You can't continue to just sit back and do nothing while she suffers..." I murmured, my thoughts now drifting off to a dark place of their own.

Forbidden questions I was too cowardly to address aloud arose mid-thought.

Why did my own mother idly standby while I suffered?

Where was she when I needed her the most?

Where?

"She trusts me," I heard Irene reinforce with a firm shake of her head. "I can't betray her—I won't."

"But—"

"Seulgi, enough," Irene sternly cut me off, sheer determination hardening her picturesque features. "We could argue over Wendy for hours but that won't change a single thing about your situation. So we are going through with this until we reach another breakthrough, got it?"

I nodded reluctantly.

Goddamnit, she was right.

No matter how long I tried to sidetrack, this revelation would happen nonetheless.

I have nowhere left to run.

We sat there stiffly in a deafening silence switching our gazes from each other, to our grassy surroundings, then back on each other.

Irene gathered the courage to speak before I could.

"Ready?" She once again motioned to the blue bottle clutched snugly in my hands.

Turmoil unpleasantly shivered down my spine as I hesitantly peered down at the bottle.

The last time I held it like this, a keyhole of memories emerged.

A chunk of my teenhood was stolen from me by suppression.

I needed to fight like hell to get it back.

But if this was legitimate suppression...

Should I be trying to remember.....everything?

Her?

"What? No cups?" I nervously jested as I tried my damn hardest to prevent Irene from seeing my quivering hands by jiggling the bottle back and forth.

"I'm thinking it'd be better to drink straight from the bottle," She answered carefully, eyes never leaving mine. "I mean, that's what we did the last time and that's when you first started remembering."

And those memories were never welcomed by me.

It scares me...

"Will you drink with me...?" I asked her sheepishly and to my delight, she complied with a single nod.

"Of course."

My heart pulsated a crazed rhythm.

Her eyes.

Green.

Bright.

Loving.

God, those eyes drove me damn stark raving mad for the stunning angel in disguise sitting before me. Lazily gazing like an enchanted cobra into those specs of green had me soaring higher than an eagle roaming the crystal blue skies.

Because of Irene.

Only Irene.

So...

Why did another face suddenly appear?

I loved those eyes so much because of Irene, right?

...Right?

I clumsily unsealed the bottle and hastily slammed back the first gulp. The bitter, lukewarm liquor sloshed along the pathway of my throat like poison. I fought hard to keep the liquid contained within my belly.

"Anything?" Irene asked after a lengthy silence.

I shrugged.

"Not really," I responded truthfully, sluggishly sliding the bottle over to her.

Irene tentatively placed the bottle's rim to her rosy lips, releasing a quick puff of air before taking a small sip directly from its tip.

"I really don't understand all the fuss about this stuff," She giggled melodiously while handing the vodka back to me. "It's really quite awful."

"Most people don't drink for the taste," I muttered, my mind trekking into darker territory.

Kyungri certainly didn't drink for pleasure.

It wasn't for thrills either.

Often it's said that liquor gives one courage to speak what a fool normally wouldn't utter aloud to the world. It was the same case for Kyungri except she felt more comfortable extending that inebriated influence to another for company.

"It'll make you feel good, I promise..."

Irene and I had fallen into another snare of quietness, battling our anxious thoughts as the frail breeze wafted over us.

"Still nothing?"

I sighed.

"Nothing."

Irene lightly chewed her bottom lip as if she were pondering a thought.

"Well, maybe talking about certain things will trigger your memory..."

"Like what?" I asked curiously as I passed the bottle to her.

"Tell me more about your family," She said with a trivial smile after taking a quick sip then handing the bottle back over to me. "Your mother seems like a very sweet woman."

I slumped in my chair, balancing the glassed bottle between my fingers by its neck.

"I guess so..."

There must have been something in my voice that tipped off discourse for Irene's smile faded into a frown.

"Do you not have a good relationship with her?"

I shrugged again.

I really didn't know.

Weeks ago, I wouldn't have wasted a second to unleash my extreme distaste for that woman.

But now...

Now I wasn't so sure.

I skated the very confusing line between loathing and gratitude.

Whenever I thought about my mother, a hasty rush of negativity flooded my veins. I was bitter towards her, that's for sure. I figured I've always felt this strongly, but my mother recollected the exact opposite about me two years ago.

Was I really that different?

"She's not exactly my favorite person," I finally said with a struggled drawl.

Her slender brows raised quizzically.

"Why is that? I mean, she is super attentive to you. She even knew your favorite meal for breakfast and exactly how you like it," A repugnant sneer spread along her lips. "My mother certainly doesn't know what I like for breakfast. Hell, she doesn't even know what foods I'm allergic to."

I blinked in astoundment.

"You have food allergies?"

"Only to strawberries but not severely," She explained. "I get nasty hives if I come in contact with them."

"And your mother doesn't know about this at all?" I questioned.

Her eyes rolled so sharply, I idiotically feared she'd cut herself.

"She couldn't have. She's always insisting to the house staff to keep fresh strawberries stored since she just loves her fruit trays."

I visibly winced in reaction to her disclosure of 'house staff' which she blushed profusely as if she hadn't meant to let it slip.

"I know, I know...it's disappointing," Her heavy gaze dropped to her lap. "My parents are very strange people—they like to give off a façade that they can manage the basic responsibility of raising their own child but the reality is, it's much easier to pass the task off to someone else," Irene paused briefly, eyes still fixed intently in her lap. "I had several nannies up until I was twelve. After that, it was only regular housekeep."

My nose scrunched sordidly.

I'd been at her place multiple times now and hadn't even wondered if or not her family kept any house staff.

Thinking on it though, that explained why the place was always kept so immaculate.

Her workaholic parents never seemed to be home at all and Irene was busy with school and extracurricular activities, the home would have to be attended to somehow and it was continually kept spic and span.

"I've never seen any housekeepers here," I speculated aloud.

"You never will," The emerald-eyed girl informed me with a hollow smile. "They've been ordered to never be seen by anyone, not even by my parents or me."

My head geared towards the glass double doors of the patio leading to her kitchen, the slanted shutter blinds concealing any activity taking place.

"Then how do they...communicate with them?"

Irene scooped up her smartphone and waved it to me as a signal.

I shuddered.

Yet again, I got a harsh glimpse of just how strictly cold-blooded her parents are and it made me empathic for the type of stress Irene was confined in because of it.

"That's....kind of fucked," I admitted in a subdued tone, finally sloshing back a swig of vodka then passing the glassed container to Irene who took it eagerly.

"Well, that's my freaking life," She knocked back a long hard mouthful of liquor. "You learn to get used to it."

What kind of life is that?

My mother being a housekeeper herself, to me, the work was somewhat degrading.

Maid work wasn't anything to be proud of—who could take pride in having to wait hand and foot on entitled assholes who could buy their way out of responsibility?

My mother could.

And I couldn't recall her ever mentioning having to work for a family who never allowed her to be seen.

"...My mother is a maid," I confessed meekly.

"I'm sure she's very efficient at it," Irene's previous mood altered from brooding to lively as she fervently pushed the bottle into my hands. "When I spoke with her over the phone, she was so concerned about you eating enough and getting proper sleep. She loves you a lot. I'm a little jealous."

I knew she tossed the last part in as a lighthearted joke but I couldn't help but detect a hint of seriousness.

In a way, it made me realize that yes, my mother was very caring and thoughtful when it came to me.

My mother loves me.

And she wanted me.

"Mom didn't have you by mistake, Seul...the pregnancy was a mistake, but she chose to have you."

I couldn't see it before.

Somehow, I had it in my head that I was an unwanted bastard but...

She wanted me.

She sacrificed her marriage, a stable, carefree life of a housewife just to have me.

Thinking on it...

She's always done that, hasn't she?

Growing up poor was a heavy burden to bear day by miserable day but my mother bolstered most of that load and managed to provide her children with at least the essentials. Actually, she never really had to worry much about Jaebum since his father supplied him with whatever was desired by a young teenage boy but with me, she always found a way.

I'd have a brand new pair of shoes for every new school year and if I ever got any tears or holes in my uniform, she'd stitch it up tailor perfect or if she had the money, order me a brand new set.

I had forgotten what a true provider she was.

She sacrificed a lot for me.

So I don't understand why she let me fall...

"She's no saint," I objected bitterly after taking a long swig of vodka then clanging the bottle on the glass table a little more aggressively than I intended.

Although taken aback by my piercing words, Irene timidly reached over for the bottle to take a tiny sip.

"Is that how you met her...?"

I allied the words my mother had spoken weeks prior with what I knew now.

"I made the best money of my life working for the park famil—"

"She worked for Kyungri and her husband..." I monotonously recalled, my body frigid and cold. "The Parks."

"I see..." She sounded as if she was contemplating saying a bit more but decided against it.

I swiped the bottle from her and swilled down a hefty sip then freed a prolonged sigh.

Fogged memories began jointing together piece by piece.

"She'd take me along with her sometimes...I'd go voluntarily, of course..." I reminisced, senselessly staring off into the far grassy distance. "She often had chronic back pains...I went along with her to most of her jobs thinking if I took some of that workload off her, she wouldn't be in as much pain..."

"This is good," Irene soothingly encouraged with a faint smile. "You're doing great, Seulgi..."

But the further I tried to dig; the murkier things became.

...The more painful.

"I-I can't remember much else..." I stammered while roughly setting the bottle onto the glassed surface, creating a sharp clang.

Irene was strangely silent before speaking again.

"What about your brother?"

My eyes widened.

"Jaebum?"

She nodded.

"Tell me more about him."

I gulped back another sip, the bitter taste maliciously bleaching my mouth.

"He's okay."

"Are you two close?"

Were we?

From the stories, he told me and from the little, I could remember from our childhood, it seemed as much.

But...

"We were once."

"What happened?"

Another memory jolted to mind.

Jaebum wasn't pretending to be a supportive and loving older brother—he'd always been that.

We'd always been that way with each other.

For some reason, I took my caged anger and aloof behavior towards him as a result of our childhood but now I realized those emotions warranted from something else.

His words when we were in that field as we smoked, he talked about...

He said...

"He...told me he'd always be there for me..." My hands clasped themselves compactly into fists. "But then he left me."

"Was there a reason?" I heard Irene ask.

This time, I didn't hesitate.

"It was because of me."

I transported back to that moment...

...The moment where he was shaking me...screaming...

He was so scared...

Why was he so scared...?

"What makes you think he left because of you...?"

"Seully, don't die on me, please don't leave me!"

I squirmed in my chair and took another gulp of vodka for solace, my head beginning to throb excruciatingly in my skull.

"I never want to see you like that again..."

"I don't want to talk about this..." I protested but Irene, now suddenly kneeled at my side, quickly slipped a tender hand of support in mine.

"Pace yourself..." She whispered empathetically, her warm palm gently caressing along my skin. "What do you remember about him leaving?"

"Something I did..." I recoiled. "Something I did to myself..."

My free hand subconsciously began spidering up my neck along my pressure points.

"He knows what happened to me..."

Irene's gaze wandered off in the distance momentarily before realigning with mine.

"Has he talked to you about it?" She asked.

"...He started to," My mind involuntarily reverted back to he and I in the car. "He wants me to remember..."

Seeing Jaebum after all that long while apart felt like a huge pain in the ass—all I wanted was for him to go the fuck away.

But once he did...

I felt empty.

"I'll always be there for you, Seully."

Bull fucking shit.

Right when I receive him back into my heart, he runs.

Yet I'm the coward?

Why did he fucking say it if he didn't mean it?

"So he left because of what happened with Kyungri...?" I heard Irene ask, her voice muffled and faint.

"I think I might have been hurting myself....because of her..."

There was a pregnant pause.

"Hurting yourself how...?"

"She...she liked to choke..." I said bleakly, my fingertips continuously grazing absentmindedly along my neck in a listless fashion. "It was kind of a kink of hers...I got a little addicted to that pressure..."

Pressure.

Hands...

Her hands around my throat...

That pressure...

I needed to feel it...

"You're such a good girl...you take it so well, baby..."

Pressure.

"Seulgi...what are you doing?"

I faded back into reality, catching the frazzled gaze of Irene who paled twenty-five shades lighter. That's when I realized my right hand was clamped to my throat.

I immediately removed it.

What the fuck...

Irene opened her mouth to speak but the noisy vibrating of her cell phone distracted us both.

I already knew the caller.

"I'll ignore it," She dismissed when she noticed me staring at her cell down on its face, vibrations reverberating through the glass. "Let's just keep talking...."

But the vibrating never stopped.

Seungyoon, the persistent.

Typical.

"Just answer it," I griped in annoyance.

She wavered slightly to scan my expression as if to assess it was really okay before releasing my hand and answering the phone.

"Hey, baby...yeah...I told you I had something to take care of today...we did have plans, didn't we...? But this is important...no...I'm not blowing you off...." Her sentence faded as her gaze aligned with mine momentarily before turning away guiltily. "I'll make it up to you...I swear....okay fine....bye..." She hung up and discarded her phone on the table, placing her forehead in her hand in frustration.

"Everything okay?" I asked with authentic concern which was rather jarring coming from me.

Before, I would have mocked her for how pathetic Seungyoon was acting or how obviously full of shit she was with the half-assed explanations she nursed him.

But now, seeing how worried and guilt-ridden she was, I just wanted to...

...Make it all better.

For her.

"Yeah, it's fine," The brunette shrugged while fixing her posture and forcing a phony grin. "Seungyoon and I had plans today but I was so focused on this, it totally slipped my mind."

"Oh," I said flatly.

She was supposed to be with him.

Yet...

Here she was with me.

"He's a little pissed off but being here right now is more important," She reached out and took my limp hand. "I believe with time and patience, I can really help you fix this."

Funny.

This didn't seem much like a victory.

Not anymore it didn't.

Here she was tending to me like some freak side project when she really needed to be with her uptight, smug-ass boyfriend—which I'm sure she fully intended to be if it weren't for her good-natured morals.

Chalk up another good deed for Irene Bae.

That's all I am to her.

A good deed.

It's all I'll ever be.

I'm nothing...

"You should have just gone with him." I crossly grunted.

Her mouth fell agape, alarmed by my sudden outburst.

"Why would I—"

I shot up from the patio chair like a canon.

"This is a fucking joke."

"Seulgi..."

"I'm not a Goddamn charity case," I barked, desperately resisting the frustrated tears that began angrily brimming around my eyes. "If you need to be with him then just go. Don't act like this is that important to you. It's insulting."

"You're not a charity case to me," She refuted as she lifted from the ground and took a step towards me. "I really care about you..."

"Stop saying that," I spat.

I didn't want her to say it because then I'd have no choice but to keep believing her.

I believed she cared for me.

Fuck, I believed her wholeheartedly.

But the aching terror of doubt that lurked in the outlawed crevasses of my mind blinded me.

"I do care about you, Seulgi, that's why I'm doing this," She sympathetically stated, eyes swimming purely with genuine concern. "And you need me."

"No, I don't."

I do.

I need you so fucking much...

She caught on to this blatant lie straightaway.

"I know you do."

"I don't need you, I don't need anyone."

I attempted to make a fast break for the yard exit but was prevented by a surprisingly strong grip on my wrist.

"Why is it so hard for you to accept I really care?" Irene asked distraughtly, struggling to maintain her hold on my wrist as I violently tried to break free.

"Because how can you?" I winced at the dejection glooming my own voice. "You hate me...remember?"

"I lied..." She negated in a hushed breath, green eyes glowing passionately. "I never hated you...I tried but I can't... I can't hate you..."

I gritted my teeth.

"Well, it's easier to hate me."

"That's not true."

"It is true because what the fuck is there to care about?!" I shrieked, glaring down at her with a wild force. "I've made your life a living hell! I stalked you, deceived you, made you cheat on your boyfriend! I'm a disgusting, toxic, broken mess who doesn't deserve someone like you!"

I deserve nothing.

I'm nothing...

At this, she ran tight-lipped. She kept that way for so long, it finally dawned on me that she really didn't have an answer.

Fuck everything...

Since her grip loosened, I easily slid her grasp and turned to make another quick break for the yard exit.

But Irene's next words numbed me still.

"You're really breaking my heart..."

I twirled around to face her, nearly melting with heartache viewing the grief-stricken expression weighting down her features.

"No matter how fucked up, it was you who made me realize I don't always have to be so perfect all the damn time...that I don't have to place all this unnecessary pressure on myself and just be me..." I felt her behind me unexpectedly, slowly reeling me around by the hand and affectionately cupping my cheek. "There is no real reason why someone cares for another and actually, no one really chooses who to care for in the first place...it just happens..." I allowed her to gradually tug me closer, our foreheads tenderly pressing together, "I've grown to care for you so damn much, it keeps me up at night..."

I stood there dumbstruck, gaping at her helplessly like a wounded animal.

"When you talk about yourself as if you don't deserve to be cared about...as if you don't deserve love—I hate that...I hate that woman who made you feel this low of yourself. That twisted bitch fucked your whole life up. Knowing you're suffering like this and I can't do anything about it—God, it really kills me...it fucking breaks my heart...." Her breath hitched as she met her heavy-lidded eyes with mine.

My legs began wobbling as if my bones preserved to jelly. When I could barely keep my balance any longer, Irene enveloped my waist and pulled me flush against her, lightly stroking my hair.

"It's okay, I'm here..." She murmured as I tucked my face in her neck, permitting my once captive tears to wet her porcelain skin.

"I-I hate this..." I blubbered. "I hate not knowing..."

"I told you I would help you through this, you just have to let me," Irene comfortingly assured me, her hold on me tightening. "Let me in, Seulgi..."

I wanted to.

I want to.

I need you.

"Okay."

Irene nodded at my words, glanced around her yard then squeezed my hand again. "Let's talk about this inside."

Grabbing the half-empty vodka bottle, Irene led me inside through the kitchen to the grand staircase.

"It always seems so lonely here..." I sniffed docilely while trailing behind her up the stairs, goosebumps fleeting on my arms at the noiseless atmosphere.

This place always gave off the same impression.

Cold and empty.

Now with the knowledge of hidden staff stowed somewhere only made the place seem that much colder.

When she wasn't at school or with friends, Irene spent her time here.

I remembered when she told me how alone and out of place she often felt due to her parents' negligence and continuous arguing.

"Lonely, yes but I've gotten used to it," Irene softly chuckled, slowly walking us down the elongated hallway to her bedroom.

When inhaling the comforting scent of her natural aroma, all the pent of anxiety within me deflated.

Her room was different than the rest of the drafty house and it was because it was hers.

This is home.

Irene closed the door behind us then led me over to the bed where she sat down and patted her lap.

"Come here."

I gave her a funny look.

"What?"

"Come here," She repeated through a giddy giggle, continuing to pat her lap.

I made another face.

"What? You gonna rock me to sleep with a warm bottle?" I joked, a faint smile tugging at my lips.

She rolled her eyes playfully.

"Just come here, weirdo."

"You're asking for me to sit on your lap like a little baby and I'm the weirdo?" I laughed while leisurely approaching her.

"Before you would have read into that a different way," Irene beamed radiantly. "Progress."

A deep blush filled my cheeks as I placed my hand on her shoulder for balance before lowering myself contentedly in her lap.

She was right.

Previously, I would have read into this action quite differently.

But at this moment, cradled in her lap almost like a child, her gentle hand resting on the small of my back, I was vulnerable.

Warm.

Loved.

"You said your brother knew you were hurting yourself because of Kyungri..." Irene hushed me lovingly while caressing my hair.

"Yeah..."

"And you told me before you were in love with her..."

...Right.

I was in love with her, wasn't I?

I loved her with my whole heart...

"But she was physically hurting you?"

"Just the...choking..." I murmured, the anxiety creeping its way back. "...But I consented to it."

"No you didn't."

I stared at her blankly which prompted her to continue.

"She's an adult who manipulated and took advantage of a fourteen-year-old to satisfy her own greedy, sick desires. That is not consent."

I tensed.

I remembered a different kind of pain thinking of her...

A pain that bled my heart.

"You're a child, Seulgi...you knew what this was..."

"I could never love you like him."

Irene readjusted herself underneath me, her arms maneuvering closer around my waist.

"What are some things you remember about Kyungri?"

"Her smell...was my favorite thing about her," I breathed.

Honey sickle.

She often smelled of honey.

It was so distinct.

Sweet.

On the outside, that described Park Kyungri perfectly.

Breathtakingly gorgeous, married to a hotshot doctor, and fairly well off herself taking up the profession of law.

Her closest friends would say she had it all together.

But built inside was a maddening darkness no one knew of.

A darkness she never dared to show.

Yet she showed it to me.

And I mistakenly assumed that made me special somehow.

I was wrong.

"Anything else?" Irene coaxed.

There was something else.

Something more.

"I'd spend time with her alone...my mother trusted us together. She thought Kyungri was a good female role model for me," I rationalized, recalling my mother's words to me. "Her husband worked very late hours...when she wasn't working, she would be there, with me..."

That's when I remembered the vodka.

"She always pointed out how nervous I was when she was around...I was intimidated by her beauty," I described fretfully, feeling Irene's nimble fingers tracing patterns into my back. "So she introduced the alcohol as a way to relax me..."

"Think of it as an ice breaker."

I shivered remembering the eerie smile she gave me after.

"Okay..." Irene hummed, reminding me that I was in her arms and not back in that bedroom enwrapped in another. "What else?"

I looked down at my hands and noticed I was shaking.

"She meant so much to me... with her, I felt I belonged."

Kyungri was there for me when I felt I had no one else...

She listened to me whenever I divulged in her company—she made me feel beautiful...like I deserved the love she gave me.

But that wasn't love at all.

It was just a trap.

She was only shaping me into something she could play with.

"It's easier this way..."

"Those days she'd take me to her room...I wanted to be with her... she made me love her..."

That pressure—that pressure on my neck.

She made me addicted to her rough sex and I wanted to feel it over and over and over again.

The day after she broke my heart, I...

...I wanted to replicate that feeling.

My school necktie...

I...

"Seully, don't die on me..."

I attempted to say more but couldn't quite get the words out. Irene's finger feathering along my cheeks indicated to me that I was crying again. I placed my head on her shoulder as she held me there and I was at ease once more.

We stayed in a comforting embrace for a long while.

Unmoving.

Just feeling.

This feeling was familiar but somehow felt different.

Because with Irene, I believe the warmth she gave. There were no hidden motives as I remembered with the voracious touches of Kyungri...

She touched me with a dripping dark lust.

Irene just felt me.

This is home...

Eventually, we were forced to part ways.

She confessed wanting to spend the night with me again but knowing Wendy would appear sooner or later and the fact that I didn't want to worry my mother to an early grave, I reluctantly declined.

Honestly, if I had it my way, I'd never leave her side.

She filled me with so much...serenity.

Like a lifeline.

She's my lifeline right now...

When I sneakily crept through the doorway of my apartment, there was a profuse tension lingering within the air—one that almost held a physical presence. It intensify when I caught sight of my mother drooping at her usual spot at the kitchen table.

I was compelled to walk right by her without acknowledgment but with my memory gradually weaving back together to quilt my misplaced past, I could really see her for what she was.

I pitied my mother times before but this woman wanted to have me.

She wanted me.

That couldn't have been for nothing.

I wondered.

Why did she keep me in the dark?

As Jaebum had said—why would pretend as if nothing ever happened?

"You're home late," My mother finally grunted roughly in a tone I wasn't used to from her.

"I usually come home late..." I mumbled.

"I know and I usually don't like it," She replied sharply.

"Why does it matter?" I combatted.

She splayed her hands down on the table and stared at me with a viciously stern glare, bearing a doughtiness she hadn't given me in ages.

Over the years, I took advantage of her handling me with such elusive caution as a gardener would to a dainty flower.

Needless to say, this fiery rage shining in her eyes now caught me slightly off guard.

"I can't stand for this any longer," She hissed irately. "You're skipping school, staying out way past curfew, doing drugs—I won't stand for that crap any longer, Seulgi."

I smiled.

"I guess you want to be my mother now."

I watched as she shot up from her chair and railroaded over to me, causing me to flinch.

"I've always been your mother."

"When it's convenient for you," I bitterly retorted, my body quivering in building anger.

"You don't think I try my best to provide for you? I bust my ass trying to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly, you will respect me."

I held my ground.

"Respect is earned."

She appeared appalled by my honest words, blinking rapidly as if I spat in her face.

"Where do you get off speaking to me this way?" She jeered while steadfastly folding her arms over her chest. "Jaebum has been filling your head with nonsense, I see."

"At least he tried to help me."

"That's exactly why I sent him away," My mother scoffed. "He's such a toxic influence on you."

"Mom, I've been toxic this entire time."

When she didn't react, I continued.

"Jae was worried about me, he didn't want me to suffer anymore," I confessed, words spilling from my mouth almost uncontrollably, I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. "I've been suffering for so long...didn't you notice...?"

Silence.

"Didn't you notice, mommy...?" I whispered quietly.

"...O-Of course I noticed..." She whimpered, her eyes swelling with tears. "Ever since you left the hospital..."

"Then why did you ignore it?"

She remained silent once again so I stepped forward.

"Why did you let me forget?"

"I was afraid..." She cried softly.

"I was afraid..." I countered, my vision blurring with my own tears. "I was hurting and I needed my mother."

"I didn't know how to take to it...when I saw you forgot everything, I thought it was a blessing in disguise...I really believed I was doing what was best for you....because I failed you before. I couldn't protect you..." Her eyes narrowed in a punitive glare. "That woman violated my own child right under my nose and I hadn't even the faintest clue..." She paused to steady her erratic breathing. "Every day I think to myself...was the money that good I was blind to all the obvious signs? How come I never questioned why you wanted to be alone with her so often? Why was I so careless to just leave without question? Did I trust her enough to leave you—my youngest child—with her? And you seemed so happy, at least until you weren't anymore...God why couldn't I see?"

My throat lumped up a good chunk of remorse witnessing my mother unraveling like a reel right in front of me.

She quit working for the Parks because of me.

Something happened.

Something with Kyungri...

Was that when I began to act abnormally?

My mother had quit because...

I wanted her to.

Yes, she did it for me.

That day...

She didn't just break my heart.

She broke my spirit.

That day, Kyungri told me she was pregnant.

I didn't know she was still fucking her husband, delusional me thought she only wanted to be with me.

But it was all lies.

I was just a toy to her—a child.

I meant nothing.

I'm nothing...

"I should have pressed charges....I should have taken action against her but she and her husband were so powerful—she's a fucking lawyer for God's sake....their money would have destroyed us... I felt so helpless...but I should have fought anyway, I should have fought for you no matter the consequences..." The frazzled-haired woman fell to her knees, tears gushing like a facet down her aged cheeks. "I wanted to get you therapy, I truly did but I couldn't afford it...I asked Seungheon multiple times but he denied me, he said it wasn't his problem..." She scooted toward me, pressing her forehead to my belly to sob freely. "I'm so ashamed...I'm a terrible mother. I thought providing for my children was enough and I worked damn hard to give you and your brother whatever you needed...and here I am asking for respect when I let you down... I'm so sorry....I'm so ashamed..."

She lifted her head to peer up at me woefully, weary eyes thick with repentance.

"God....I failed you...I'm so ashamed of myself..."

I placed my trembling hands on her shoulders and knelt down to her level.

I realize I've been clinging for dear life onto this matted hatred of her, restricting me from loving her as a daughter should.

The once impenetrable veil of resentment was finally lifted and I saw her again.

I saw her.

My mother.

My mother.

"Please forgive me...forgive me...forgive me..." She chanted repeatedly in a soft mantra through her choked hiccups.

I wordlessly draped myself around her in a protective hold.

My mother wanted me.

She chose me.

Now she was pleading for my forgiveness.

Perhaps...

That was the first step to healing all along.

Forgiveness.

I had to forgive her.

I had to forgive Jaebum.

I had to forgive myself.

And ultimately, in the end...

I had to forgive Kyungri.

It'd be no walk in the park and I'd most likely fight tooth and nail every single step of the way but on the road to recovery, I needed to.

Not for her sake.

But for mine.

And mine alone.

"I already have..." I assured through a hushed whisper while pulling back from my weeping mother to place a loving kiss to her forehead.

Finally, for once—I felt free.

"I forgive you."

I'm free.