6.0 heat waves

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that wasn't the last time minho went to bed with an empty stomach though;for the next two weeks minho basically lived on 800 calories a day and even though it hadn't been "that long", he started to feel the consequences of his unhealthy diet.

since he was still always moving, even more than usual because now he not only had dance practice three times a week but also training, he constantly felt worn out and weak. he first felt it after the third workout with his personal trainer.

~~~

he had worked out for almost 3 hours at the private gym and could practically feel the sweat drip down his chin as he did his 47th sit-up. he was panting, basically gasping for air, but the way his trainers eyes burned into him made him continue. his body yelled at him to just stop, to let him rest, but he couldn't - shouldn't maybe.

but his stomach was burning, breathing was hard and his head was throbbing for the past 10 minutes. it didn't take long until he finally fell back on the ground. he hit his head on the floor but since everything was hurting anyway, he barely even noticed. all he could think about was the burning pain in his chest and stomach, which probably came from overexercising. minho ended up just laying on the ground, panting. his eyes were closed - the light was far too bright for him.

"what the hell are you doing?", his trainers voice echoed through the room stridently and minho almost immediately felt his head hurt a little bit more. if there was something he hated more than working out, then it was this trainer. with all his strength left in his body, minho pulled himself up, now sitting on the ground. he must've looked awful, but right now he couldn't even care. he just wanted to stop, take a break, he just wanted to breathe for a little.

"I can't", the boy panted and lifted his hand to massage his temples. everything around him was ringing, he wasn't quite seeing clearly. what the hell was happening? "I can't anymore".

"well, we aren't done yet", he answered and minho felt a hand on his chest, pushing him down. he felt panic rise up in him as the hand put more an more pressure on his chest and grabbed the others arm, now having a lot more strength in himself than he had before. at least it felt like it for a moment until the trainer finally pushed him back down on the matt, minho hitting his head on it once again. a sharp pain shot through his head and made its way to his neck and arms. "fuck", was all the boy was able to whisper as he finally stopped struggling against the trainer. the man eventually took his hand off his body and minho immediately felt more at ease, even though his body was still stiff from the very unpleasant touch.

"you can stop in fifteen minutes, when our time is over", the man insisted. his voice was more of a grunt and minho shuddered at the thought of his hand being on his chest again. he always thought the man was disgusting and hostile, this action now proving it. maybe there was something even worse than him just constantly yelling at the boy and making him do stuff.

"okay".

the next fifteen minutes felt like a war between minho's mind and body.

—

his legs were trembling and his mind was racing as he slowly walked back into the dressing room to get changed. each now and then he stopped and held onto the wall to prevent himself from falling down. he wasn't sure what was happening with him, but the cold sweat running down his hot body made him dizzy and his legs were barely able to hold up his weight anymore. that's because you're fat. if you weighted like 20 lbs less, then this wouldn't be a problem for you. it's your fault, it's all your fault.and he agreed. of course it was. he let himself go and let himself get this huge, of course he had to pay for it now. just a few steps more... then he would be in the dressing room and could sit down for a moment... just a few steps more.

minho was basically clinging to the wall now, every step followed by a huff. his whole body was wobbling step by step and minho was sure if he had to walk another 10 meters, his legs would give up on him.

luckily, that wasn't the case. he swung open the door and tumbled into the room, immediately collapsing in front of one of the benches - he wasn't able to reach so far to sit on them. in his head was basically just nothingness now, all his energy was put into trying to stay conscious. he just wanted his legs to stop trembling and his stomach to stop hurting and his back to stop aching and...

a sudden wave of sickness came over him. it overtook his whole body and sent shivers down his spine. his body that was feeling hot just one second ago, was suddenly freezing. minho tightened his grip on the bench and tried to get up, but his arms started shaking violently and he quickly sank to the ground again. he bit his lip nervously - just what the hell was happening to him?

then another wave hit him and his body got hot all over again, sweat starting to run down his forehead once again too. panic and fear was all minho had left in him as he felt his stomach twist and turn - he was sure he had never felt like this before.

as the third wave hit him - he was basically just a shaking mess on the ground now - minho all of the sudden felt a hot liquid come up his throat. he tried to swallow it down, far too scared to let anything out of him, but it didn't work. a second later minho leaned forward and vomited on the floor in front of him, the fourth wave finally taking away his consciousness and his head fell on the ground as everything around him went dark.

—

the watch on minho's wrist showed him that he passed out for about 20 minutes. he woke up with his head still throbbing, but overall feeling better. his legs had stopped shaking and his stomach felt far better than it did before. the panic that was dominating all his senses a few minutes ago slowly started to wear off and minho finally got up and went to the sink, his gaze immediately looking at his reflection in the mirror. he was worn out and was completely exhausted, but his mind just went back to this one thought he always had;

if only my face was the problem.

minho's eyes wandered down to his shirt, which was still wet from all the sweating. it stuck to his body a little, showing every detail of his stomach. he looked at the outline and immediately stepped back, disgust creeping up inside him.

was he actually disgusted of himself? disgusted of how his body looked? at this point, he wasn't even sure anymore. he just saw how huge and fat he looked. that's all minho was able to focus on.

maybe working out like this is good after all, he thought as he lifted his hands to trace over his stomach. it still felt soft - it disgusted minho even more. just why did he let himself get so fat? why couldn't he just be like seungmin or felix or even jisung? they all looked so, so much prettier than him and got so many compliments ... why didn't he just control himself back then?

no. no time to think like that. minho just had a few weeks left until he should be in good shape again. wishing he was somebody else wouldn't help, he just needed to push himself a little more. it's fine, it's okay. he deserved every single bit of it.

minho let his hand sink down again and finally turned away from the mirror, now looking back at the bench he collapsed at. the puke was still there and minho suddenly felt weirdly satisfied at the thought of not only training so hard that his body gave up on him, but also all the food not being inside of him anymore. of course that was weird, but he just couldn't help it.

feeling a little lighter, minho finally cleaned everything up, got changed and called the manager to bring him back to the dorms.

—

minho bit his lower lip as he stared at the scale he placed in front of him. should he risk it again? he worked out so much today - the numbers must've went down, right?

taking a deep breath, minho finally stepped on the scale again and closed his eyes, as if the numbers would go lower if he didn't look. he held his breath for a while, not sure if he should really risk a potential break down again if he opened his eyes. it took him a while to finally breathe out and it took him even longer to finally open his eyes.

this time, minho stumbled back a bit - a smile slowly appearing on his face as he looked at the numbers beneath him. his hand slowly traveled up and covered his mouth, the smile just getting bigger in the process.139 lbs.he lost weight - he really did!all the pressure from earlier seemed to slowly slip off his shoulders and minho picked up the scale again to put it away, so the other members didn't know he weighted himself every day.

this was the first time minho actually saw the numbers go down. god, it was such an euphoric feeling, he couldn't even describe it. that's all he wanted - to be lighter. to be beautiful like the others and loved by them.

as soon as he reached the weight everyone wanted him to be, everything would go back to normal - that's what he always told himself. he would be pretty again and would be able to eat everything the others ate. he just needed to push through a little while longer. after all, minho just started, right?

maybe all the suffering would be worth it in the end.