Chapter 14

TW/CW: Mentions of child abuse and assault. I tried to keep it very vague, but it is there. So take care of yourselves.

Sirius

Staying at Hope's always works some sort of miracle in my brain. I sleep better, eat better, actually relax without needing to be doing something. Hope makes delicious food for every meal, and James hovers in the kitchen with her, soaking up everything he can. Remus watches fondly and stays up late with Hope every night, still somehow looking well rested. Regulus exists quietly, always looking slightly in awe of the warm, cozy home that Hope keeps. I remember feeling the same the first time we stayed here.

Hope's taken the week off from work, so she and Remus take us into Milwaukee and show us around the city. And our third day in, she sits us all down for haircuts while we watch the finale of the season of Great British Baking Show she's currently watching. Even Regulus lets her, looking a bit dopey when Hope massages his scalp for a few moments.

I don't get any time alone with Remus until our fourth night. Hope calls it a night early, tired from our long day at the beach on the lake. Regulus and James wander off, too, leaving just Remus and me in the living room to watch the end of Ten Inch Hero.

"Jenson Ackles is hot," I mumble, a cheek pressed into a pillow. Remus snorts from his armchair, and I lift myself up onto my elbows to look at him over the arm of the couch. "What?"

"Even with a mohawk and side burns?" he asks.

"Yes. Obviously."

He licks his lips and glances at the TV. "Would I be hot if I had a mohawk and side burns?"

"Yes. You're always hot." He blinks but doesn't look over at me. I sit up fully and frown at him. "Remus?"

Slowly, he gets up from his chair and sits next to me on the couch. He pulls his legs to his chest and his rubs hands on his jeans. "I talked to Mom the other day. About you."

My breath catches in my throat. "You did?"

He still won't look me in the eye. "Apparently, I've been obvious about my feelings for you for a while. And...even more so this visit. She asked if we're...together."

A delighted laugh bubbles up in my throat. "Hope Lupin. Matchmaker."

That gets a laugh, but it's short lived. "I told her we'd talked and that I...that I told you I was scared." He hugs his legs tighter. "I'm still scared. But she said I should talk to you about why."

Unable to help myself, I press a hand to the top of his foot. "Remus...you told me what you were scared of. I don't...I don't agree. But -"

"No, that's...I mean, it was true. Is true. But I'm scared of a relationship because...because - God, this sounds ridiculous."

"You're not ridiculous, Remus."

He presses both hands to his face, lets his knees rest against the back of the couch, and pushes his foot into my hand. I don't know if he means to, but I squeeze it anyway, hoping it will ground him. What I really want to do is hug him, pull him into my arms and squeeze him until he stops looking...like that.

Finally, he pulls in a breath. "You know I have HIV."

"Yes?" I blink at him. "And?" He peeks over his fingers, dread filling his eyes, and my stomach drops. "Oh...Oh, Remus. No. Please. No."

He tucks his head into his knees. "I know."

"No, Remus, I don't think you do. Please look at me." Slowly, he raises his head. The near panic there turns my blood to lead. "Remus, that doesn't change anything. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I...I'm not scared of you." He pulls in a shaky breath. "Come here? Please?"

It takes a little coaxing, but he finally unfolds himself and curls up in my lap. It's an odd feeling, honestly, to be taller than him. But it's amazing, too, to pull him so close, to hold all of him as near to my body as I possibly can.

"When I was seven," Remus starts suddenly. "We had a party at our house for my dad's work. A Christmas party, I think. I was up in my room, playing. And one of dad's colleagues found me. He...He did things to me. Things I didn't understand at the time. All I knew was that I was scared."

My lungs seize, and I fight not to react. I can't have him even considering that I'm pushing him away. "Remus -"

"He told me not to tell anyone, so I didn't. But...then I got sick. A lot. A year later, I got pneumonia and was in the hospital. And...And that's when I tested positive for HIV."

"You don't have to," I say desperately.

"I know I don't," he whispers. "You've never asked. But...I want you to know. I want you to...know what you're getting into. If you even...If you even still want me."

I squeeze him impossibly tighter and press my lips to the top of his head. "Ok. Ok, but you can stop whenever you want. And it's not going to change anything. Nothing."

He swallows, and I can feel it, feel the way it moves his chin and expands his throat. "When I tested positive, they wanted to know...how. How it happened. How did a seven year old get HIV? And that's...that's when I told. I tried not to. I was so scared. But I...I couldn't lie anymore. Dad was... in shock. Mom was absolutely furious. Livid. They arrested the guy, threw him in jail. I don't remember much of that time. Trauma, I guess. Blocked it out. Buried it deep.

"I do remember Mom and Dad fighting. We moved here, out of the house where...where it happened. Dad wasn't...he...let's just say there's a reason I haven't spoken to him in fifteen years, not since he and Mom divorced. And even if I ever did talk to him again, I probably wouldn't tell him I'm gay."

Of course. Right. It's all coming together in my mind. Remus never speaks of his father. Hope never talks about him. I've never asked. But if he was a homophobe parenting a son with HIV...well, that's a recipe for absolute disaster.

"I got on meds. I got better. I get sick, of course, but the normal amount," he continues. "But I'm still...the things my dad said, the things he..." He squirms a little and looks up at me. "I don't want that for you. I'm so scared, even though I know you...don't care. Or care but not...not like that."

"Remus," I murmur, dislodging a hand just long enough to brush my thumb under his eye. "I get it. I do. And you're right. I don't care. Not like that. Not because it changes how I see you. I care because it affects you. And I care about you. So. So. Much. So much it scares me, a little." I chuckle through an abrupt sob. "Because I don't want to lose you."

His face scrunches a little, and he tucks his face into my neck just as a sob shakes his entire body. I grip him again, holding him together as he falls apart. It takes a while for him to get his breath back, and when he lets out a last, long breath, he melts against me.

Softly, I start speaking. "I know you know all of this, but I'm going to remind you anyway. You're treating your HIV with meds. As long as you keep everything in control, there's almost zero risk of transmission. And of course, there's always condoms. If - you know - God, this is ridiculous. I don't know why I'm talking about sex after what you just -" I close my eyes and let out a breath.

Wonderfully, I get a tiny little giggle from Remus. "It's alright, Sirius. I know what you mean."

"Good. Because I can go on PrEP, too, if that makes you feel even better, but that's besides the point." I shift him against the back of couch so I can look into his eyes. "The point is, I want whatever you can give me, Remus."

"But what do you get out of it?" I frown. "If all I can give you is holding hands and cuddling. No kissing. No...sex."

I blink at him. "I'd get you. I'd get to hold your hand. And hold you...like this."

He looks back and forth between my eyes, desperation turning to hope. "Really?"

"Yes. Yes, Remus." I almost kiss him but stop myself just in time. "What...We start slow, yeah? Holding hands. Cuddling. I'd like to take you on a date, if you'd let me."

Remus' face splits into a slow smile. "I'd like that. I would, actually, like to kiss you, too."

"Yeah?" My heartrate kicks up, and I'm sure he can feel is pounding against his shoulder.

He nods, leans in, and it happens. He kisses me, his lips soft and slightly salty. It's over far too quickly for my liking, but I still have to catch my breath when he pulls back.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," I breathe.

He huffs a laugh and drops his head back to my chest. "Yeah. Me, too."

***

James

Watching Regulus hop up the bus stairs has not gotten less nerve wracking over the last week. But he insists on doing it himself, and at least he let us pick up some crutches for him the other day. That doesn't stop me from hovering behind him just in case.

He huffs once he gets to the top and flops onto the couch. "Do you think those two will ever actually get together?"

I chuckle thinking about the eyes Remus and Sirius have been making at each other for the last three days. It's worse than it ever has been. And after Hope went up to bed, Regulus made faces at me until I understood that he wanted to leave them alone.

"God, I hope so. It's painful. I mean, it's been painful for...well, for a long time. But this is ridiculous."

"Did either of them ever tell you what they finally talked about on Mary's birthday?" He shuffles to one end of the couch and props his foot on a pillow.

I mirror his position on the other couch. "Only that Remus said he liked him back, but they weren't...together? To be honest, I didn't completely understand. He didn't get into details."

He hums, sighs, and shifts. "You wanna watch something?"

We throw on a rom-com, something almost too dumb but with enough redeeming humor and actual romance to keep us engaged. I get too swoony a couple of times and hope Regulus doesn't notice.

Near the end of the movie, I peek over at him, watching the side of his face as he gazes at the TV. Really, I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. I've been bugging Sirius to talk to Remus for forever. Shouldn't I take my own advice and talk to Regulus? I've had the feeling...well, just the way he looks at me sometimes makes me think. I let the idea simmer as the movie wraps up and the two leads kiss. And kiss. And kiss...

What would it be like to kiss Regulus? Soft? Intense? He's quiet, but the fire, the snarkiness, the challenge in his eyes sometimes...What would that feel like with his lips pressed to mine.

The credits roll dramatically, and I watch Regulus stretch his arms over his head. "You think Remus and Sirius will be back out here tonight?"

"I don't know."

"Hmm. I'll just sleep here, then. No use pulling the bed out if Sirius is going to come climbing all over me in the middle of the night." He shuffles down a bit. "You can watch something else, if you want. I'm going to crash soon, though."

"Nah." I flip the TV off and return the remote to its spot. "I'm wiped. Need anything before I head to bed?"

He shakes his head and pulls his blanket over him. "Nope. Thanks, though."

"Mmhm." I stand, stretch, and start back toward my bed. Halfway through the kitchen, I pause. Clear my throat. "Reg?"

"Hm?" He cranes his neck around to look at me, and my heart thunders. His eyes. God.

"I, uh..." I wander back to the other couch and sit. Rip the Band-Aid off? Ease in? "We've...I've...We've known each other for a long time."

He blinks at me. "Uh, I guess? Yeah."

"And I...well..." This is ridiculous. When was the last time I told someone I liked them? High school?

"Spit it out, Potter," Regulus teases.

I huff a nervous laugh. "Sorry. I just...I like you. A lot. Not just as a friend. Not just as Sirius' little brother. But...like I want to take you on a date. That kind of...like." I bite at my lip and stare at my hands.

"James," Regulus says softly. So softly. I look at him and find him staring back just as nervously. "I like you, too. And I would really like to go out with you. Granted Sirius doesn't murder us first."

I let out a choked laugh, trying to wrap my mind around the words coming out his mouth. "He won't, actually. He...wait, one thing at a time. You actually..."

He half smiles and holds a hand out toward me. I shuffle across the space between couches and kneel at his side. His hand is soft and warm, and I revel in the touch. "Yes, James. I like you. I think I've liked you for a very long time." He brushes the fingers of his other hand through my hair. "I didn't...I thought it was a silly middle school crush. But these last few weeks...God, you're amazing. So sweet. And funny. And...hot."

I catch his blush and chuckle. "Well, thank you."

"Shut up." He nudges my head. "What were you saying about Sirius murdering us for wanting to date each other."

"Well..." I settle better on the floor and lean into Regulus' touch. "Pretty soon after you joined us, we were in Washington? I think? I came back to the bus to get something for Sirius. You were asleep on the couch, and I just...moved your blanket or something. And Sirius followed me and saw. I'm sure my feelings for you were all over my face. And he...he just said not to hurt you, to take care of you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think it'll still be an adjustment, but that's normal."

A slow smile stretches his face, his hand tightening around mine. "So, we're really doing this?"

"If you want. Yes. Absolutely," I gush.

"I want. Yes." He sits forward a little, propping himself on his elbow and bringing himself so close to my face I feel his breath on my nose. "And I really want to kiss you. Is that...ok?"

I answer by pressing my lips to his, and he lets out the tiniest hum. It's soft at first, tentative. And then the fire kicks in, his fingers tightening in my hair and teeth grazing my bottom lip. It's not the best angle, and after a few long moments, I have to pull back to breathe and rest my neck. His eyes are wide, mouth open and panting.

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."