chapter 19

Jun first, 2011

Dear Diary,

What if mermaids are real? What if they can swim to shore and by drying their fins, the sun turns them to legs, allowing them to walk between humans until they step back into the ocean and dip their beautiful heads in the salty water?

I wonder how it feels like to win over a lad just by a look, a smile… How lovely that might be…

Or Unicorns. What if they were real? What if unicorns were amazing guys who once in a full moon turn back into human form, and they walk around making everyone feel special and good and loved? If that was true, it would explain why all of the boys I know are garbage. I am happy though that unicorns are not these amazing guys who turn on full moons, because if that was the case, Harry would be a unicorn, and then what would I do without him?

Emma's POV

I am sat on a rock outside the old shack reading Hope's entry while Harry explors inside, seeking to see if anything changed since he was gone.

The amount of love this girl had for her brother makes me wish I had one of my own. I am wondering what Harry must have done to make his sister see him as a unicorn, when Harry walks out a frown on his face. I look up at him, and he stops in mid pace, glancing up at me, then he hurries to my side, worry taking over the frown "Are you all right?"

"Yes, why would you ask?" I inquire surprised.

"You're crying," He points and catches a tear that runs down my cheek. I haven't noticed I had started to cry, touched by Hope's words.

"She was a special person wasn't she?" I remark.

"She was," He sits by my side, looking across at the old hut.

"She loved you so much," I whisper, handing over the diary to him. Harry reads the entry I have just read, and chuckles. I am slightly shocked, not ready for him to laugh. I glance at him, a slight smile on my face and my eyebrows raised in question.

"She used to call me unicorn sometimes, though I thank the lord she never used it when friends were around," He smiles.

"Really? Why did she call you that?" I ask in amusement.

"She had a really bad day, and our mum was away, so I went and got her favourite cupcakes and a hot chocolate from that coffee shop 50cookies?"

"Yeah I know that place," I grinn.

"I went up to her room and climbed into bed with her and watched a girly movie to make her feel better," He finishes his story.

"What movie?" I question.

"Breakfast at tiffany's," He answers shaking his head with a smug grin on his face.

"Why was she having a bad day?" I question, wondering what could have possibly happened to make him do such thing.

"She refused to tell me, but she got home crying and closed herself in her room,"

This was a side of Harry I did not know. I knew he was protective and I knew he was hot tempered, and would through a punch with not so much as blink. But going to his sister's favourite coffee shop to get her favourite things and spend time watching a girly movie of her pick only because she was unhappy, and not even knowing why, was so amazingly wonderful of him that I can't stop staring at his face. His profile as he reread the entry of the mermaids and unicorns. I wonder if I would get to see some more of this Harry, when a car drives up to us and stops next to Harry's SUV.

Harry's POV

We turned to find Eleanor and Perrie getting out of the same car. I glanced at Emma before looking back at the two girls who walked side by side for the first time since my sister died.

"We're here," Perrie stated as they made their way towards us. Once close, Eleanor shifted to stand by Emma, making Perrie roll her eyes.

"Can I please look at the diary?" She asked turning to me.

I stretched my hand and handed it over. Perrie took it and did the same thing I did when I first got hold of the diary- she thumbed through to the last entries that Hope wrote.

I couldn't help but note that when Emma had her chance to read it she started from the middle jumping back and forth, not looking for anything, just trying to get to know the person behind the journal.

"Did you go in yet?" Eleanor asked Emma.

"I haven't, though Harry did," She answered quietly, her hand jumping to her temple rubbing it. I've noticed her doing it a few times today, and wondered what was happening.

"Are we going in? Or are we staying out here?" Eleanor asked me.

"Whatever you please," I answered nonchalant.

"Then maybe we should just stay out here then," She shrugged and glanced at Emma for approval.

"Her ghost isn't hunting the place El, I've been here since, you have nothing to worry about," Perrie stomped off into the shack, the diary in her hand. It was strange hearing Perrie talk to Eleanor like before, even though she was scoffing her, it was easy for me to pretend they are friends again. It was Eleanor's turn to roll her eyes before heading in after her.

"Are you all right?" I asked Emma again, just to make sure.

"I'm ok, I have a slight headache but I'll manage," She answered. I followed her into the shack and as Perrie and Eleanor came into view I almost expected to see Hope with them, laughing and kicking the hay like they used too. I watched as the girls looked around taking the place in.

"It feels like just yesterday we spent the night here with Hope on that stupid dare," Eleanor said out loud, brushing the walls of the hut with her fingers as she walked through.

"Gosh I remember that too!! Harry, Dylan and Louis scared us half to death remember Harry?" Perrie giggled.

"Dylan and Louis? Your Louis?" Emma was lost, turning to Eleanor for some confirmation.

"Yeah, Dylan and Louis are neighbors, and they used to be pretty close, so all three of them used to hang out a lot- that is how I came to date Lou," Eleanor smiled, the memory of the old days flashing in front of her sweetly.

"We used to have so much fun together, Hope used to get us to do such stupid things," Perrie joined in.

"What happen to us?" Eleanor asked sitting down on the floor.

"Hope died and left us bleeding," Perrie quaked.

Emma's POV

The drive back home is quiet. My friends came to an agreement to keep this silent, giving us time to go through the diary and see what we can learn about it. Also waiting might flush the person who put it in Eleanor's locker out.

Harry parks outside his house and I unbuckle my seatbelt.

"It was weird to see El and Perrie together like that," I say as I glance at him.

"It was weird for me to see them apart," He replies "Hey, I forgot, this is yours," Harry pulls out of his bag my book.

"You have this thing about readying about death," He stats as I push it into my bag.

"It fascinates me," I shrug.

"Isn't it being a little morbid?" He asks raising a brow.

"So is reading your dead sister's journal," I point out. Harry studies me for a few, and then gets out of the SUV. My dad's car isn't outside, which means he must still be at the station.

"Well, see you," I wave at Harry and turn to my house. I can feel him watching me tough I don't turn to make sure. I feel depressed, by this whole diary, thinking of my own family's loss and I can't understand how Harry is so nonchalant about it.

When I enter the kitchen there is a note from my dad saying he's working the night shift and there is food in the fridge. I climb the stairs to my room, to put down my sketchbook and bag. My phone beeps then, telling me I have a new message.

From: El

Meet Perrie and me at the back of the school in a half hour.

I don't answer or ask why. I take a hoodie, and head out, thinking I am better off spending my time with some friends then alone.

I am out of the house soon enough and am making my way towards school when a car stops beside me.

"Where are you going?" Harry questions through the window.

"To School, I'm meeting Eleanor and Perrie," I answer.

"Come in, I'm on my way to practice I'll give you a ride,"

I get into the car and Harry starts it again.

"What are they doing together?" He inquires.

"I didn't ask," I reply.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, are you?"

"Yeah," He responds, though his jaw is clenched.

When we get to the school I thank Harry and start walking to the back. I am half way there when I realize Harry is still by my side walking at the same pace.

"Can I help you?" I glance at him.

"Just coming to say hello," He is frowning which means he suspects something is up. Maybe they want to come up with a new plan behind Harry's back, and I am bringing him along with me? It is too late to tell him to leave, since we are already behind the school building and Eleanor and Perrie come into view, a bottle of jack daniels in their hand.

"Hi guys! Join our game!" Perrie smiles up at us, and I can tell she is somewhat drunk already.

"Yeah! We are playing the 'we suck as friends' game," Eleanor joins. I glance at Harry and suppress a smile "Sure I'll play," I say and sit down next to them.

"No you're not," Harry glares at me.

"Come Harry there is room for you too," Perrie chimes at him.

"How do we play?" I ask, my hands in my lap.

"You say out loud something about your life, or something you did that sucks and then drink," Eleanor explains.

"I'll show you- I knew Tyler was hitting Hope and I kept quiet," Perrie states and then takes a swig from the bottle.

"Ok, my turn," I take the bottle from her.

"No! Give me that," Harry tries to take it from me.

"No! You wait your turn," I tell him pulling away, hoping this might help the emptiness inside me fade a bit.

Harry's POV

I watched as Emma thought it through and then held up the bottle "We were gathered at the shack for Hope, though all I could think about was my dead mum," Then she briught the bottle to her lips and drank. I saw her wince as the liquid ran down her throat and she passed the bottle to me "Your turn," She said. I stared in her eyes, and once again they were sad. Did I trigger this sadness?

"All right then," I take the bottle and sit down next to her.

"Instead of helping Hope more, I was too busy fucking Linda," Then I take a swig and pass the bottle to El.

"I took a step back, too busy fucking Louis instead of noticing my best friend needed my help," She drank.

"My life is fucked ever since," Perrie drank, and passed the bottle on to Emma.

"My dad cares more about his work then about me," She took two gulps before I needed to pull the bottle away from her.

"I sat in juvie for a murder I didn't commit," Though this time I didn't drink and I just watched the girls.

"I would drink to that," El said taking the bottle out of my hand and taking a sip.

"I hate my life," Perrie remarked taking a big gulp.

"I hate my life too," Emma took a swig. This time she didn’t pass the bottle but nursed it in her arms.

"It's my turn, give me the bottle Em," I tell to her.

"No! I want to keep it, I hate how everyone thinks they can control my life- including you," She hisses at me and took another gulp.

"That does it!" I snapped, grabbing the bottle out of her hand and spilling the remaining onto the ground hearing the girls grunt and sigh at my actions.

"You two go home, before I call your boyfriends! And you come with me," I pulled Emma to her feet by her arms. She didn't try to pull away as I lead her off to the car. She waved to her friends sadly. When I reached the car, I opened the passenger door and hauled her in. I leaned over her and glare into her face.

"What the hell is up with you?? If I would have known you would act like this I would have never brought you with me!" I shouted at her, anger bubbling up in me.

She wasn't looking at me, but straight ahead, as if she hasn't even heard me.

"Emma! Answer me damn it!" I slammed my hand on the dash board, which made her jump. Her eyes slowly found mine and they were glazed with tears.

"When did everything get so fucked up?" She whispered, and I swallowed the bitter taste that spread in my mouth.

"I don't know," I replied calmly.

"I didn't think it will get so hard again," She mumbled, and I wanted to kiss her, make it all go away, and make her lips and eyes smile again.

"Come, I'll take you home," I walked around and got into the driver's seat.

"Can you just drive around for a bit?" She begged  and I nodded my head in agreement. If this is what might make her feel better, so be it, practice can wait.

Harry drove out of town and onto the highway, giving Emma the chance to calm down, knowing that when she is ready she will ask to turn back home.

I understand her. I understand her pain, she hurts for herself but yet she hurts for others too. For her friends, and for a girl she never met, and she hurts for him. For my brother, because even though she doesn't know this yet, I do- she feels for him. It is not yet love, but it might be.

When you have so much pain of your own, and then make room in your heart to feel so much for others, it consumes you, taking up all the room leaving none for happiness and hope.